Today was not a very good day. First I noticed myself feeling a little shaky, I presume from caffeine. This discomfort may or may not have led to feelings of irritability, as I was having trouble juggling my internal discomfort with external unpleasant stimuli. This irritability persisted even after a snack and the cessation of the shakiness. My boss told me something about general work performance and I tried to respond calmly but also honestly, which was to say that I do usually do that, and the reason it didn't happen this time was valid (do I need to learn to just say "Okay" to authority figures when it doesn't really matter? I don't know). I had to help a customer who was a little indecisive in a way that made me repeat multiple steps multiple times. I had to trim 1/8" off of a poster and initially didn't mentally access the best way to do that, so I found it challenging. I even threw my measuring tape onto the table at one point. I expressed to my coworker that I didn't really FEEL upset or irritated or mad, but that I could see that my behavior was reflecting those emotions. Not long after that, though, I began to more readily access and recognize the emotions themselves and not just their outward manifestations. I didn't know why I felt that way, so I didn't think I actually did feel that way. But I did. My only rationale for why has to do with hormones and a lack of birth control for the last 2 months, but who knows really. Either way I was not managing my emotions properly and it was affecting my work and my interactions negatively. I began with denial that there even was a problem. Upon recognizing the problem (most notably through a physical outburst of throwing my measuring tape) I began to be able to curb it. By the end of the day I still wasn't in a great mood, but I wasn't acting out about it so much as remaining relatively quiet and sighing sometimes. I think I was and still am breathing pretty shallow, too, which I think is actually a pretty important element of how my day went. Even in recognizing my shallow breaths, I had a hard time deepening them.
Possibly worthy to note is that this is the first day in almost a month that I would describe myself as having felt stressed. Precisely why, I am not sure. Potential reasons: plans to frame personal photos after work (so I don't get to leave when I'm done), interview set up at potential new job, knowing I need to inform my boss of this interview, negative interaction with boss already, lots of people and things going on in my work space (more than usual), change in schedule, unusual plans this weekend... there are all kinds of reasons to be stressed every day, though. But maybe some threshold was passed today. Either way if I can be here with my breath I should be able to handle it without allowing it to affect me negatively.
Emotions - All negative:challenged
irritable
mad
unstable
defensive
frustrated (with myself for my reactions)
stressed
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