Guiding Principles as Stability Points - Day 174

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the way that I see others treating me and interpret this as what I am worth and so in turn I also treat myself this way (or 10x worse) and also expect others to treat me this way (or 10x worse).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selectively choose what interactions I will use as evidence of what I am worth so that I end up only choosing all the negative interactions that I have with other people wherein I am able to interpret that another person has "hurt me" and so within this I can blame them and I can abdicate my responsibility over myself and also abdicate my own ability to define myself and determine my own self worth.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be worth the same as / equal to all other selves as one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others are worth more than me and that especially those who treat me poorly are worth the most and have the most power over me and the most power to determine who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any other person has power over me or who I am or how I express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself extensively within these beliefs and patterns of allowing the way that others treat me or the way that others behave to dictate for me who I am or who I can or cannot be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow negative interactions to influence me and tell me about myself as if the way that another person treats me, when they treat me poorly, is indicative of what I am worth, but if and when another person treats me well or as an equal, I dismiss this as probably wrong, probably a fluke, or maybe even a sick joke.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the ways that others mistreat me so that the very thing which triggers my own creation of anger and injustice becomes true because I become the person that deserves to be treated that way by my internalization and personalization of mistreatment and abuse through a lack of understanding as to why anyone would treat me that way -- thus personalizing their mistreatment as indicative of who I am rather than indicative of who they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become extremely frustrated and angry when and as I see that another person does not seem to understand the impact of their behavior on me. I realize that the impact is mine and my own creation through and as my reactions and my instability. I realize I cannot make another person take responsibility for themselves, and I realize that I am the only person who can take responsibility for myself, and as such I cannot make another person take responsibility for me or my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internalize the mistreatment of other so that I in turn also mistreat others and become abusive of myself and others because I have some misconception that this is where "power" lies... precisely, it is lying to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and entrust myself to "power" and power dynamics that I experience through how I am treated in interactions with others so that I give my power over myself over to others for them to abuse as they wish and I accept and allow myself to be changed by these interactions, overpowered by these interactions and my interpretations and reactions to these interactions, instead of maintaining self directive principle of myself in stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of the two basic principles of oneness and equality, whereby I can trust that I am "okay" and I am not "inferior," and treating others as you would like to be treated, whereby I can firstly treat myself as I would like to be treated, and secondly always be looking toward productive and constructive changes in this world by being the person who changes interactions into what is best for all.

When and as I feel as if I cannot trust myself, I stop, and I breathe. I realize I have principles by which to guide myself in oneness and equality and so can trust that I am not inferior, and treating others as I would like to be treated, and so can honestly consider my actions and behavior within and without. I commit myself to guiding myself by these principles in all moments, and especially to come back to these principles when I feel lost or like I cannot trust myself. I commit myself to use these principles as cross referential points to see myself and how my behavior within and without is or is not aligned with these principles and then to adjust myself accordingly through self forgiveness and further self commitments.

Self-Judgment and Self-Support - Day 173

This post ended up being the opposite of specific, but that is okay... I did use my new little notebook today and that was very cool. It fits right in my pocket so it's perfect.

Mainly what I started writing within was the realization that I often lose sight of the "golden rule" in terms of treating others how I would like to be treated, and how this is sort of the most basic thing that must be understood and applied, and if this is really lived then not much else is all that relevant. But then I also realized how I utterly fail at treating myself the way I want to be treated... I mean if I can actually see how I would like to be treated, why don't I treat myself that way? Why do I take the absolute most self-abusive relationship with myself that I can possibly have? So that is what I was trying to write about when I began this post, but it became something much different, and that is okay, perhaps I will write more specifically on that point some other time. There is a lot in this post that could be written about more specifically at another time.

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I'm coming to see recently that when and as I experience joy or laughter or a smile on my face, it's, like... surprising, or unexpected, or novel, and also sometimes judged as something I should not experience. For one thing this indicates to me how little I have allowed myself to enjoy myself and enjoy life lately, to see that these instances are note-worthy because of their scarcity. For another it suggests to me that I must have some underlying permeating belief about myself and what I deserve, and apparently I do not deserve to experience happiness or joy or enjoyment. I am not sure the root of this belief.

I also know that throughout my life I have experienced depression and often once I enter a depressed state it has been very difficult to emerge back out of it, so that I kind of get stuck in negativity, pessimism, and depression, also helplessness, hopelessness, and beliefs about my own incapability. So knowing that I have been very stressed and anxious lately, and also in moderate to severe pain most days with migraines, I can see how this might come into play.

I also know that I continue to judge myself for a decision that I made, believing that this decision indicates I am a bad person or I am a failure and also believing that other people are judging me for this decision even though I don't really have any evidence to support that other people are even aware of the specifics of the decision.

So I enter into a lot of self-doubt that prevents me from even really embracing the decision and moving forward in my new creation of myself and my experience, instead still stuck in the past and also stuck in the point of this decision, also stuck in anger, and still stuck in whatever may or may not happen on one of my two days off where I might be forced to encounter a trigger that I have not yet figured out how to handle the reactions within myself that are triggered by this person. So even though I made the decision to "release myself" from myself from the energy that I created in this situation, I am still living under that dark cloud of not knowing what is going to happen, if I am going to be triggered, and thus have not been able yet to move on. But, apparently it is asking too much to ask this person to give me space. So I have to figure it out on my own.

"Figure it out on my own" -- another thing that I struggle with repetitively, where I isolate myself in thinking that I am just supposed to figure things out on my own, figure myself out by myself, without any guidance whatsoever. Some of this is a lack of trust of others. Much of the problem with it however is a lack of trust in myself. Also the isolation breeds paranoia. I can practice self-trust, though, by seeking out perspectives and support from others, and then making my own decisions for myself based on my self-honest investigation of what is best, so that still I am my own self directive principle, but I am not completely alone and I am not isolating myself from walking beside other beings and interacting intimately with others by sharing myself. And that is something I practiced somewhat today, with some success I would say, where I took an opportunity to share myself in a vulnerable way.


It is frustrating to me to see who I am today, because it is not the person I once was; or at least not the person I lived as. It is frustrating to me to see how much of who I am I can link to experiences I have had only recently and especially with a specific person whereby in our interactions I was led to believe certain things because I allowed myself to use that person as the example they represented themselves to be. It's frustrating that I allowed myself to lose myself to these experiences and interactions with others / another, because I had things I embraced as true and self-honest and they were effective, and I abandoned them when I saw they did not fit with a person I trusted or a person who I wanted to have like me. It is also frustrating to see how time and again I have felt hurt by people that I trusted to not hurt me, and yet at the same time I have in the past known that it is pretty much impossible to never hurt another person, mistakes happen, we're all selfish, we cannot read each others' minds. And so why did I expect to not get hurt? Why do I continually trust others to not hurt me, and so abdicate my responsibility to protect myself? And why then am I so lost on what it really means to protect myself in self-responsibility, and instead turn to defenses and walls and barriers as protection instead? Turning now to isolation. A part of me feels like this was like the last brick in the ultimate wall of keeping others out.

But I see already quite clearly that if that is true, I most certainly do not like this little isolation room I have created, and I see that I created it, as much as I would like to blame all these other play-actors in my world, so to deconstruct it now instead.


In trying to live in the here and now, I have lost sight somewhat of the "big picture" in terms of longevity of a learning process. I have zeroed in on only my current present experience of myself (rather than the current present reality of the here and now), so that I have forgotten basically that this is not all there is, that the whole point of process is to grow from this and expand my understanding and my stability and my ability to direct myself in every moment. A coworker reminded me today, for example, to consider 5 years from now and what I would like to have learned at this job. I had lost sight of that kind of perspective, of realizing the impermanence of my present circumstances, and so being able to see the "light at the end of the tunnel," so to speak, in terms of the things I am presently facing and experiencing.

So from that perspective I actually have more control and more self directive ability because I can choose the direction that I want to be in, say, 5 years, rather than feeling like all I have is right now and then tumbling around in all the chaos of the circumstances of my life right now. Looking forward toward the solution of the present "problems" rather than just sitting in the problems that are here.

Now I cannot depend and rely on the future. It is not here and now. But somehow recently I have lost sight of this bigger timeline picture, where getting any project completed is a process which requires steps and sometimes it is important to have an idea of what future steps one wants to take or accomplish. Realizing that all I have is the here and now is useful in terms of enjoying the present moment and also finding ways to be as effective as possible. But it is not effective for me to become mired in my present circumstances without consideration of what I want to learn or where I'd like to come out "in the end."

I mean I've said before that I am the constant in all of my experiences, and so learning to support myself comes first in terms of what to face first. If my internal experience of myself is negative and detrimental to my ability to live effectively then this is going to be true across environments. So I have to look at myself first, at softening with myself and not being so hard on myself all the time. I have to look at how I can actually practically apply self support in a way that works.

And I have to really make this process mine, if I am going to walk it. I really have to reject and disregard all of my projections of judgment from others or what others want from me or how others think I should be directing myself.


Okay.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is "bad" for me to believe in myself, have confidence in myself, see that I have done a good job, see that I have done something well, see that I am smart, see that I am capable, see that I possess other positive qualities which support me in navigating this world effectively as I utilize these qualities as my tools and assets for getting shit done and living effectively and enjoying life.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see and appreciate my own strengths.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see myself in a "positive" light because I have identified "positive" as one side of a polarity and I have identified polarities as "bad" rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that what matters most is effective living as what is best for all, and my strengths can be utilized in a way to express through my living choices and applications that are best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see getting support or validation from others as "bad" and as such taking this tool away from myself because I have seen it as mostly ineffective, but I have not yet replaced the tool by building enough trust and stability in myself for me to support and validate myself, so as a result I am left with nothing and no reason to believe that I am valid or worth anything because I am not allowing myself to hear this from others and I am not allowing myself to tell it to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever interact with myself in a negative way so that the most negative and abusive relationship I have is the one that I have with myself.

My mom recently tried to encourage me by saying that she admires how I lean into the painful aspects of my life (I don't really see it that way?) and that one day all of my hard work would pay off in a healthy relationship that I deserve.

But all that I really want is a healthy relationship with myself. How do I achieve that?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live each moment not in the "here and now" of whatever I am facing so that I am thinking about other stressful things in my life that I am not presently having to face in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live each moment to the exclusion however of other future moments in terms of progression through process and learning and expanding myself so that I can support myself in directing / guiding myself in a way that will result in success and effectively utilizing present challenges in a way that will support me to learn and grow by looking toward the future in terms of what I would like to learn and what I would like for my life to be like and thus how to effectively get there, also giving me the opportunity to realize that my life will not always be the way it is right now and so it will not always be so stressful and so I do not really actually have to be in "triage mode" where I am just trying to "survive," but I can actually stop, take some deep breaths, and then look at what it is here and now as an opportunity and challenge to learn and grow and change so that whatever I face "tomorrow" I will be prepared for rather than getting stuck here treading water.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider others in terms of my projections of how others might be judging me in relation to my process and how I am walking process and what decisions I have made. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to doubt my decision because I fear that it was the "wrong" decision because I do not give myself the gift of believing that I can trust myself and my own decisions. I realize that there really is no "wrong" or "right" decision, there is simply what is, and this is what is now, so to move forward within the circumstances I have created for myself in whatever way is most self supportive, which is most certainly not to continue to judge and doubt myself and also continue to think of myself and my process in relation to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to do this whole process on my own because I have beliefs about what I should be capable of and also beliefs about how other people do not want to see me or talk to me or do not want me around / feel burdened by me, so within this I isolate myself and try to carry everything on my own even though I am not stable and even though there is much that I do not understand and even though conversation with others can be extremely supportive in gaining new perspectives from others or in seeing self through conversation.



Okay... That's enough for now.

I commit myself to continue to watch my self-talk and see how I can actually support myself and believe in myself and trust myself, none of which I can do if I am constantly tearing myself down and apart.

I commit myself to continue to focus on the present moment as the here and now in terms of where my mental energy needs to go, but to also now integrate the "big picture" timeline so that I can realize more of a "long-term plan" kind of support for myself to realize that this will not all happen overnight and I have to take steps and it will change, but it will take time.

I commit myself to find ways to enjoy and appreciate myself each day.

(I mean even in yoga for example, when so often teachers end class with saying "thank yourself for showing up on your mat today," I always dismiss this as irrelevant, as not useful, as not something I need to do, not something I deserve, like whatever, I'm here, but it's only because I would judge/hate myself if I didn't come... hmm...)

Practical Support Idea for Stressful Environments - Day 172

I've realized that one way I am actually sabotaging myself is by not looking at specific points and investigating just that point to find a solution. I get stuck on the "big picture" which is sometimes effective, but in this case it's actually more like trying to look at multiple different pictures at once (work, family, friendships, self: physically and mentally), which is pretty much impossible and leaves me feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up. So here I just started writing about some of the internal experiences I have at work, trying to focus in on just one of the things that I feel like is out of control. I ended up realizing that my day is so chaotic structurally at work, and then it doesn't take much for my internal experience to seem chaotic, and so obviously I need some way to organize myself. So I realized that although I have already intended to purchase a small notebook to carry around and write in for work-related reasons, I can also use this as a tool to record my internal experiences as a way of seeing myself more objectively on paper and also of assisting and supporting myself to be able to process whatever reactions come up in me throughout the day, since there is not much time to process during the work day but if I can jot down a few things then I might have an easier time seeing the points and then writing self support on them later, or just seeing myself in the moment and like keep myself accountable in a way to not let myself drift off into some cyclical reaction because I will be able to become more aware of my internal experiences and whether or not I am directing them or if I am just having to move on to the next task while ignoring my own needs (to the degree that I end up wanting another to drop everything and meet my needs for me).

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to do something about my internal energetic experiences because I feel like I cannot do anything about them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my age or my gender as a reason to call myself a victim when I am having interactions with men who are older than I am who seem to be peeved with me because they dislike the changes that my position represents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make these stressful situations about me through my energetic reactions wherein I feel hurt and need someone to come coddle and comfort me and reassure me that I am not a bad person and that I am doing a good job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want someone else to make me feel good about myself or make me feel like I am good enough.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am here to do a specific job and that there might be people who do not like the job I have been asked to do, but within this they are actually not doing the job they have been asked to do, because in fact we have all been asked to do the same job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the stress and friction that other individuals are experiencing within themselves in relation to the changes in their job descriptions, energies which are manifesting in their behavior and attitudes, about me, like as if I am somehow the victim or to blame for them reacting the way they are reacting, and as if me going away would somehow make their reactions go away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as the center of this drama and conflict like as if it is all about me and it is just that these people hate me and are just about to explode on me at any moment and tell me what they really think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become paranoid that other people perceive me as a representative of the things that they do not like about their jobs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become paranoid that other people blame me for the way that they experience their jobs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine other people blowing up on me and giving me a "piece of their mind" in terms of what they really think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally that these people will walk by me and not smile or say hello or anything, that for the most part they avoid any interactions with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this personally and then judge myself through my interpretation of their behavior wherein I perceive that they blame me and target me as the reason that they don't like their jobs or as a person who is making their jobs not fun for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internalize and personalize the way that others have assumed that I am basically snitching on them and their behavior at work even though this is not what I am doing but because I learned that they originally thought I was the one who was doing this, I have held onto this within an assumption that they do not like me.

I realize that a few weeks ago I did not feel this much anxiety about these people and about my job performance because a few weeks ago I felt more confident in myself and my job performance and I also at that point had only just then learned that these people did not like me and so I had not yet destabilized myself within paranoia and instead was able to respond in saying that I do not dislike them but simply I am here to do a specific job and I think that each person should do the job they are asked and expected and paid to do.

So I see that somewhere along the way I began to internalize and personalize the reactions that other people were apparently having about me and as a result my behavior has changed and I have stopped saying hello as much and I have avoided conversations with these people because I have believed that they do not like me and I have victimized myself within this belief like as if they should like me but they don't so they're "mean" and also within a fear of conflict where I do not want to get into an argument with these people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my fears of conflict and my fears of argumentative conversations especially with men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear things happening at work that would not be at all appropriate if they did happen and I realize I would actually be protected by law if anything inappropriate like that did happen such as discrimination on the basis of my gender or age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shy away from interactions and also my job duties as a professional adult because I fear that other people do not like me and I imagine in my mind saying disrespectful things about me because of my gender, my age, and my philosophy / approach in my job performance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable in my own skin at work because I feel like people are always judging me, whether we agree or disagree on the approach that we take in our job performances.

I forgiven myself for accepting and allowing myself to always think that people are talking badly about me behind my back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to feel wounded and small and like I need someone to pick me up and make me better and give me confidence and affirm to me that I am doing a good job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust the interpretations and paranoia of my mind more than I trust the real actual interactions I have with my coworkers, many of which show that they appreciate what I do and enjoy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore physical evidence that I am okay in favor of embracing conjecture within my mind that I am a horrible person.


When and as I see myself feeling paranoid, anxious, like a victim, or stressed at work, I stop and I breathe. When and as I see myself projecting my own internalizations and personalizations onto others in belief of how they feel about me or what they think of me, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that I am there to do a job and I am doing that job and I have received a lot of positive praise for the job I have done. I realize that if I do anything wrong, someone will probably let me know. I realize that people may or may not like me, it doesn't really matter because as long as I can stabilize myself and act from a starting point of self honesty, then anything another person does not like about me is either their own energetic reaction, or something that I can resolve and face in myself if it is brought to my attention. I realize that I am my own responsibility and although sometimes when I feel stressed it is okay to seek out support, it is not really okay or appropriate or self responsible for me to expect others to give me positive feedback or even just positive interactions like as if keeping me afloat is a priority in such a stressful environment. Each individual is his or her own first priority and if I am not supporting myself to be stable and self-confident in myself, then I am not going to be able to be effective in my job. I realize that when I am doubting myself at work, I am not present at work and I am not able to be effective in my job.

So I commit myself to really focus on my breath and being in the here and now at work, facing whatever is in front of me and taking care of whatever tasks are asked of me.

I have committed myself to this job and so I commit myself to this job, meaning that here this is the job I have for the next however many months, and so I need to find a way to make it work for me.

I commit myself also to carrying around a small notebook with me so that I can take notes on work-related ideas, log incidents, and also support myself through writing as a physical expression of the many thoughts and feeling I face throughout the day but am never able to express or direct because it is always onto the next thing and showing up and basically performing my job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in a position of performance, of acting, of pretending, because I have not properly supported myself with my breath, with presence in the physical, or with the ability to process while I am at work, so that instead I will be caught up in my mind and my internal experiences while at the same time trying to perform a stressful and demanding job that involves a lot of social interaction.

So I commit myself to carrying around a small notebook for the above reasons and I commit myself to support myself through writing, breathing, and being in the physical moment, within this applying self-support to create self-stability to foster self-trust at work.

I commit myself to utilize this notebook as a way of seeing myself and understanding my experience throughout the day at work, because work is chaotic enough without my internal experiences, and when I add in my internal energies and beliefs and judgments it becomes extremely convoluted and difficult to manage. I realize there are better ways therefore to support myself at work and so I commit myself to trying this notebook idea, alongside a focus on my breath and a focus on the physical as whatever I must do to direct each moment effectively as what is best for all -- which thus does not mean giving priority to my energetic creations as most important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in being self-ish in my direction of myself so that my self and my internal experiences of myself are what are most important to me so that I begin to feel like panicked in terms of having certain needs met and I feel helpless in meeting those needs myself and so I push those needs out onto others and then allow myself to further create whatever internal experience I have of myself based on my perception / interpretation of what others think of me because even those that I want to support and "save" me sometimes are busy and so I take it personally that they are not available to support me or I become so victimized and anxious that I want them to like read my mind that I need some help but instead we just talk about something unrelated to my internal experience where I feel like I need help, because they can't read my mind and I have been too anxious to ask for direct support.

I realize I can in fact support myself, I just haven't allowed myself to, and I haven't allowed myself to come up with solutions for myself to make my work day easier and less stressful, to direct the stress that I face.

I realize that having a notebook will assist and support me both in keeping track of work-related issues as well as keeping track of my internal experiences.

I realize that I need to realize myself as my constant and thus the only thing that can make me stable because anything else that I believe can make me stable is not always with me, only I am with me everywhere I go, I am my constant, and so I can rely on myself to keep myself stable, if only I give myself the tools to support myself and then build trust in myself that I am in fact capable of supporting myself and keeping myself stable.

As Reality Changes, So Must I - Day 169

One of the things that I have identified as "stressful" recently has been the increased age and illness of my grandparents.

Today my mom came to me with a "proposition" where after two days ago my grandparents looked at and very much disliked an "old folks home" then yesterday we discussed the possibility of someone coming into their home each evening to help out, now today we are looking at the possibility of my mom and myself going over there on different evenings to help out. She wants me to pick two evenings that I would be able and willing to do this.

I am able and willing but I hit a couple road blocks that are basically like the spoiled brat within me coming out. Also fear.

So firstly I am in the process of living my life for myself, having released myself from certain energies I created in relationship. But obviously this cannot be done selfishly and so this is not an excuse to not help out members of my family who need help. But I notice that I get a little stuck on that point because I am not the greatest at time management or mood management and so free time + good mood coinciding is difficult to come about, where within that free time and good mood I can enjoy activities rather than waste time in a bad mood. Central there, I guess, is mood, which is great because "mood" is a thing I am learning how to direct, and taking some of "my" time to give to others (who happen to love me and have been of tremendous support within my life) is probably only going to serve as a support for learning to direct and manage my moods in a way that is best for all and best for me rather than merely self-serving.

So that point is moot.

Secondly I have this sense of feeling unsure, "awkward" even, of how to take care of my grandparents and ensure that their needs are met. Do I even believe I am capable of this? Well, what does the task involve? Going to their house right after work, sitting, chatting, maybe emptying the dishwasher, preparing whatever meal they will have that night, do the dishes, and leave. Maybe some days I will do laundry too. My mom says that sometimes when she goes over, she just sits on the couch or the patio and reads, because simply the fact that she is there is pleasant for them and then if they need anything they can call for her. So this is actually very simple. Also enjoyable, because I really do enjoy my grandparents.

I do tend to slip into this "youngest child," "baby" personality though where it's like I've always been the "observer" in my family, watching the "big people" do things and take care of things, and also sometimes argue. So in that sense I am now moving into, as an adult, the role of "actor," one who actually does those behaviors I have always watched, and I find that I have little confidence in my ability to do this and also feel like I will be watched judgmentally by those around me to make sure I am doing it right, which is a kind of pressure point and is completely self-made. I mentioned this somewhat to my mom and she pointed out that it is a point of growth, which makes sense. I am not a kid, even if sometimes my role as "the youngest" makes me feel perpetually like a kid, that is just a personality I created to cope from within my position in my family, and now I am an adult and I have self directive principle over myself, so to not limit myself within my beliefs about myself and of what I am capable or what others expect of me or what I should or should not do.

(A weird thing that I keep coming up against in the last few weeks/months and also with the idea of growing older is this idea of holding myself back in imagining myself as young, immature, incapable, etc., and hoping someone else will take care of certain things for me so that I don't ever have to learn how. But really, in the past 10 years I have done some of the very things that I now limit myself from doing in various forms and all with quite a bit of success. So what's with that? Fear of growing up? Increased anxiety? Removing layers (facades) of "functioning" personalities only to find some of the less functioning ones underneath?)

So again it seems as if this change of going to my grandparents' house two nights a week will in fact assist and support me to grow within this point, to release myself from self limitations of being "the youngest."

"The youngest" is also an interesting point in relation to victimization, which is something I have done a small bit of private writing on in regards to communication and work, where here in this instance it's that I have 2 older brothers and so I ask why I have to be the one to do this (and the answer is obvious) and so then feel like "I have to do everything," which then either serves to break me down or to build me up in my ego as I feel self-righteous in how I participate in more than others do and how I manage myself "so much better" than others and that is why I am entrusted with these kinds of tasks.

And that is interesting to look at in relation to what I was writing earlier today in regards to self-victimization in relation to "effective and tactful communication," so perhaps I will try to find a good time to share that here.

Lastly, and perhaps most avoided through the above points, is simply sadness. Grief. Not liking what is happening and not being able to do anything about it*. A feeling of revolt about the idea of going to a stressful job only to leave and "work" at my grandparents' house (because this "bad thing" has happened), and tied to that the idea that I have no one with whom to share that grief: Loneliness. Within that I notice an urge or desire to basically "complain" and to make it sound as if I have it bad. But I don't. I just feel alone, and so that is some weird misguided tactic to get attention / support from others, whereas the converse of that is to act as if it is no big deal at all, as often happens when someone does in fact offer me their sympathy. The solution is to stand tall and stable as myself, supporting myself, and to continue to do what I can to support myself in all areas of my life.

(*But actually I can do a lot about it: I can ensure that my grandparents continue to enjoy their lives even up to the very end, and I can support my grandma by researching ways to support individuals facing Alzheimer's and I can make her a schedule so that she knows what is happening etc. etc. I cannot change reality, no, but I can support it to exist in a way that is best for all. To resign myself in defeat and not do anything because I believe I cannot do anything is self dishonest and self irresponsible and only allows me to get more and more cozy and enmeshed within my self limitations.)

The idea of wanting someone to "lean on" or "go through this with" is an interesting one, because within it I reject the individuals who are naturally already here: My mom, my grandparents, my other family members. We are all going to deal and cope differently. What is it exactly that I perceive as being the thing that another person could give me that I think I need? Why can't I get that from myself, if not my family members? Sympathy, support, understanding, maybe a hug here and there. By insisting on getting this from someone else, I am insisting that I am not enough. I mean this is where the belief comes from. I am not enough, because I have not entrusted myself to be enough for myself.

So the solution again is to be enough for myself, again to come back to myself, again to support myself first and to not move until or unless I am the one moving myself, as self directive principle of myself, which I will not do unless or until I am stable within myself.

It is interesting how I resist adding things to the mixture of my daily life within the belief that this will somehow limit my expansion or development and put a "wrench in my plans" where here I notice that I am planning and so am trying to control and so am in my mind and so am not in the physical, whereas the physical is always changing and fluctuating and to support myself is to create myself as stable within that fluctuation, able to adapt and adjust and move myself deliberately to support my environment and reality to exist in such a way that is best for all, rather than moving against it and sabotaging what is already here and already breaking so that it breaks more because I am refusing to take responsibility for myself and insisting that others do this for me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change and new developments within reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hung up on all of my internal fears and beliefs to such an extent that I tend to finally feel "caught up" with reality just when reality shifts again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to assist and support myself into a version of stability that only takes into consideration and account my present experience of reality, within this therefore not assisting or supporting myself to remain stable when and as reality shifts and changes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to throw like a little tantrum at being asked to show up and assist and support my grandparents in a selfless way. I realize that actually in doing this I will be assisting and supporting myself to grow and expand and mature and within this I will be able to see realize and understand new things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to self-victimization when and as I feel overwhelmed with my life circumstances in such a way where it's like I count all the various things I have to "deal" with and feel upset about it rather than stopping, breathing, and dealing with what is in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist the very things that could and will likely assist and support me to grow and expand because I have feared change and I have believed that there is some kind of end-point to my "recovery" where at some point I will no longer have to adapt and adjust or "work" but instead will simply "be" and be able to remain in a state of stability.

Maybe. Maybe I can. But not until I do the work and continue to adjust and adapt and learn how to just be with what is, in a state of stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a point of self-victimization where within it I want to have someone to basically complain to and give me sympathy and act like they understand and maybe let me cry on their shoulder, like as if this makes anything "better" when really nothing is "wrong," simply I am not accepting or allowing myself to support myself absolutely, instead am drifting off into caveats within my mind wherein I think about how "bad" things are or otherwise am allowing myself to get caught up in my internal emotional energetic movements rather than standing stable as self directive principle of myself and dealing with what is here in physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely every time that something new and "bad" happens because I realize that I basically have no one to complain to about it and so then I feel lonely and even less capable of dealing and I believe that this is some form of self-care to wish I had outside support, but if I step back and look at it, where am I heading within that energy? Nowhere. Down. Stuck.

I commit myself to committing to taking care of my family whatever way I can that makes sense, and I realize this way makes a lot of sense.

I commit myself to not run away from the things that I fear just because I fear them. I commit myself to stop and look at the fear and see myself as the source of the fear as my beliefs and judgments. I commit myself to walk through the fear to the other side and see that there is more room there to grow.

I commit myself to realize that things change and that reality shifts and changes and that to support myself is to support myself to be stable within all environments even those that change.

I realize that there is no stopping point and no end point to this process, that as far as I can see I will always be adjusting and adapting and growing and expanding and facing points within myself to birth myself to life. Maybe someday I will be stable without so much effort. But not today.

I realize the skills I am learning now about self awareness and self regulation and self support are skills which will expand but could one day be mastered. Not today though, and not by magic, only by practice as practical application.

So today I commit myself to continuing to be here within and as myself and seeing what is around and within me and seeing how I can assist and support myself to remain stable no matter what.

Self-Decision, Self-Direction, Self-Support - Day 165

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt and question and judge myself when I communicate to myself and then listen to myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider other people as my projections of their opinions and judgments of me and what I should or should not do and why and what my choices say about me and how my choices define me when I am making a decision for myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want input from others not just as a suggestion or perspective but actually as actual permission to set myself at ease that the decision I want to make for myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself is actually an "okay" and acceptable decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take away from myself my own self directive ability through and by self doubt and self judgment and believing that I am wrong or that I am incapable of identifying what is best for me, that what another person says or thinks is best for me is automatically "right."

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to trust myself when I communicate to myself and then listen to myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgments and beliefs about myself and who I am and what I should or should not do based on projections of what I believe other people think or opine and also based on self-judgments about myself and my history and my patterns and my tendencies where when and as I see that what I want to do is or may be similar to a previous pattern or tendency, I resist it because I do not want to give into that pattern or tendency even if in this instance it might in fact be what is most self supportive and best for me.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself absolutely and unconditionally, within this trusting myself, and also within this allowing myself the room to make mistakes because it is only by allowing myself to make mistakes that I can also allow myself to find success in new ways of supporting myself and new ways of living where, if I have an idea of how I should or could best support myself in self honesty and self responsibility, I have resisted trying it because I have placed in front of myself road blocks in the form of judgments and doubt and projections of judgments from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always look to others to provide me with direction for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out permission from others when and as I see a decision that I want to make for myself, wanting permission from others to say that this is "okay" for me to do.

I realize that getting input and perspective is valuable, but within the belief that I need permission, this is not valuable and is not self supportive.

I realize though too that within the context of this particular decision, each person I have talked to for input or perspective has ended up agreeing with the decision that I want to make.

So here I have allowed myself to make a decision for myself while at the same time seeking out permission and validation from others, so I see how this instance is an example of one way to transition from only directing myself through and by others' suggestions into only directing myself through and by and as myself, where here I was able to create my own direction for myself and then receive feedback that suggested that this was a "good" direction and so now moving forward I feel "safe" in this decision and yet if this decision turns out to not be best I realize it was my decision and so if this decision is a mistake I can learn from it rather than project blame onto others for having guided me this way, and if this decision is a success then it can serve as an example of having listened to what I have communicated to myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself, so therefore this decision and following through on this decision will assist and support me in building self-trust within my process.

When and as I see myself feeling uneasy and uncomfortable within myself about a decision I want to make or a direction I want to take, I stop, and I breathe. I assist and support myself within this transition of other-directed living to self-directed living by first writing and speaking to myself about this decision or direction and delineating for myself the various voices and personalities that are contributing to this decision and then investigating what is self honest and keeping what is self honest and deleting and disregarding any portion that is not self honest. Then I assist and support myself by seeking out feedback and perspective from trusted individuals and I overlay this feedback and perspective onto my own direction or decision and from there I proceed within the realization and understanding that how I direct myself and what decisions I make is up to me and so it is my responsibility whether the decision or direction is a mistake or a success.

I commit myself to complete the process of this particular decision and direction. I commit myself to process this decision for as and by myself now that I have established for myself that I am the only person who can make this decision and no amount of input or perspective or permission from anyone else changes that fact. So I commit myself to commit to this decision in consideration, and if in pure self consideration I still find that this decision suggests the best outcome for supporting myself and what is best for myself, then I commit myself to carry out this decision. I commit myself to not turn back. I commit myself to support myself to give myself the time and the space to breathe and to come back to myself and to give myself back to myself. I commit myself to communicate this decision from a starting point of stability and to be absolutely clear in my communication so that there is no room for confusion. I commit myself, when I make this decision, to make it a final decision inasmuch as I will try it before I abandon it, and trying it will require time and space to test the decision, so that I will have to live out this decision before I can determine if it was a mistake or a success.

Falling and Breathing - Day 158

I haven't been writing as much or as honestly about what is really going on for me the last few days because I haven't wanted to accept responsibility for myself. I've known that there isn't much I can say here that is self-honest without that. I have identified and lived as if the "stress" and "anxiety" is "out of control," as if I am out of my own control. I have fed into multiple automated systems which compound upon one another leaving me with migraines and other physical pain that just make it that much easier to excuse myself from having to actually stand up and take responsibility for myself.

Each day has felt like a big question mark of how it will go, like as if I am completely at the mercy of whatever thoughts and energies pass through me. Each time I receive a text message it's a big question mark of if it will be yet another stimulus for stress, anxiety, or anger. Each interaction I have with another person is a big question mark of who I am and who they are and what it all means, defaulting on panic and self-judgment.

Each day is a new opportunity to live as a victim and abdicate self responsibility and project judgment and blame and become more and more out of control.

I can't go on like this, and I've thought of quitting. I've thought of it as pointless, but it is the point.

One thing occurred to me while laying in bed moments ago. I've been asked by a friend if I am able to be stable or if my energy moves me. It moves me. How can I be stable? And then I reflected on some individuals who have written about their process of waking up and their realizations about the fear and other energies they immediately feed into upon waking. So I saw for example how each day is new. I can wake up each day and start it with self support and self trust to support myself in that day. It is a question mark inasmuch as I do not know what will happen. But I know I can breathe.

And each breath is new. In each breath I have myself; each day I have myself. I mean what the fuck am I supposed to rely on when I am in this kind of a storm? I begin to self-deprecate, and also get all mopey that I have no friends or that my family isn't like some other families, and reflect back on all the many pains I have encountered as if these things somehow squash me and truly make me who I am. Or reflect back on every minor interaction of the day which automatically becomes an infraction in my mind as I conjure up more and more reasons to barrage myself with hatred, judgment, and blame.

This is not stability. This is a deliberate swan dive as an automated response to fear of living.

On the one hand I could say I cannot trust myself, and I cannot rely on myself. But if not myself, then whom? The truth is I can breathe. The truth is I am here. The truth is that I have to wake up each day and support myself, and when I fall, I get back up, and support myself again. I breathe. I forgive myself.

I haven't forgiven myself much lately because I haven't wanted to give myself that kind of grace and compassion. If I can hold onto the energy then I can continue to be a victim. If I can continue to be a victim then I can continue to blame everyone else but me. "I'm different. My mind is too much. I can't help it."

And sometimes it is really hard to trust myself. Sometimes it is really overwhelming to see how all of my memories and past experiences inform who I am today, how I try to play out and relive past pains and make them somehow different now, and creating new pains and traumas to keep me trapped. It isn't working though. There is mind survival, and then there is survival. Survival to live is kicking in.

What am I supposed to do when I cannot trust myself?

I can breathe.
I can have patience with myself.
I can trust in my breath, at least, and be here.

There is so much I believe I cannot let go of, or I do not want to let go of. But it's killing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow the accumulation of energies that has brought me to this point.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself unconditionally and absolutely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring myself to the point of my energy creation manifesting as pains in my body, migraines in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control and really believe that I am out of control, that there is nothing I can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away from myself in writing so that I have not utilized this tool to see myself through this time. I've been taking space. It's okay. But it is better to at least still write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if every single little thing that happens or item on my schedule or agenda or interaction or every single little thing, is another drop in a bucket that is already overflowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and doubt myself at every single turn, and yet still hold tightly onto myself as my righteousness as if righteousness is my life force, as if it is all that I have, because in my past it was so easily taken away and squandered and shuffled about and pushed under the rug, as if I did not matter. That is the past. This is now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into full automated activation of past memories and experiences when encountering new experiences which are similar or reminiscent.

I realize these things happen to me repeatedly not because others are evil and not because I am not worthy of a certain quality of life, but because of my patterns and my participation.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand this automated activation as what is happening, and figure out what to do about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to replay and relive out interactions with my dad, trying to make a different result this time.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really understand how all of those similarities I have already seen have actually influenced and informed and directed me as activators of personality and survival systems, wherein I have believed that there is much more at stake than is really at stake, indeed I have mistaken what is at stake, which is not me in my self righteousness but is me in self honesty and self support and self responsibility and self stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize what I am doing to myself and others by my participation in this sick automated game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify this as sick. It is what it is. I see it now, or am finally beginning to see it now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up and feed into anxiety about the morning and the day and what the day will bring and what stressors I will have to face and how I will possibly be able to handle them and within this questioning if I am even capable, questioning if I should even have a job, or this job, questioning why I am alive if I am apparently so inept at living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow every small initial fear or anxiety or doubt to snowball into complete and absolute self-abuse and self-sabotage instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop, breathe, and create complete and absolute self support and unconditional love and understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to understand me when I have not even fully understood myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider abandoning process as a way of like throwing my hands up in the air and giving up and believing that this isn't "working" and that it would be better to just go back to self-medicating through energy and substance. But I realize how much I have learned and how I would be taking that to support myself even if I abandoned process, because I know no other or better way... So why not keep learning?


I commit myself to wake up and breathe. I commit myself to breathe through each moment. I commit myself to rely on and trust in my breath. I commit myself to practice being fully present and aware in every moment in and as every breath. I commit myself to write out myself for myself or for my blog when I see that I am experiencing any kind of energy that is limiting my living. I commit myself to myself as life for as long as I am living and breathing.

Myriad Points - Day 156

I feel like I have a lot going on for me right now, and I have resistance to writing about it in part because I don't even know where to start.

It's actually similar to how I felt at this week's CoDA meeting, where I thought about sharing, but then didn't really know what I would possibly say. And my experience with that is one of the many things I could dissect and share here.

So for now I just want to make a list of some of the main points I have tumbling around and within me right now, and see what comes of that, or just see it.

1. Anxiety / Paranoia
• I continue to experience a lot of anxiety, especially at work, although I don't really engage in much outside of work to trigger an experience of anxiety. The anxiety itself is within my mind of course, and that goes with me everywhere. 
• After I wrote about anxiety last Tuesday, I experienced a reprieve and a restabilization. Even yesterday morning I noticed a marked difference in my experience of myself, my confidence, my presence here in the physical. But then at lunch time I had an interaction and I interpreted a facial expression in such a way that triggered back chat about that person not liking me and being annoyed that I was trying to participate in the conversation. 
• And then I put words in that person's mouth, really hateful words that I believe are directed at me, like, "Oh, you wanted to talk? Oh my god, why are you talking? Why are you even here? Just leave. I can't wait to get away from you."
• So first I reacted to a facial expression and doubted myself for participating in the conversation. I wondered, did I interrupt? Did I do something inappropriate or rude? Should I not have shared? I should just shut up and listen. 
• (So when in my life have I met or perceived a reaction from another like this? Where did this belief originate?)
• The interesting thing here is that for example all my life people have thought that I have been sad or mad because of my facial expressions, when I have been neither (at least not when they have commented about it). So I of all people should realize that facial expressions do not always communicate clearly a person's experience. 
• I should also realize that a person's experience is their experience and says more about them than it does about me. 
• So I should realize that my experience tells me about me, not about what other people actually think about me. 
• Then after I shared what I put into that conversation, pretty much everyone left (it was "time to go" for some, but for others they could have easily stayed, but also today I noticed times when it seemed like people might have changed their conversation when I walked into the room, or purposely walked a different direction so as to avoid me), some of them retreating to offices behind closed doors together, and me back to work. The difficult thing at work is that the people I most trust and admire and respect, and also therefore want to have like me, have different roles than I do on campus. So while I am expected to be in classrooms with students the majority of the day, they are expected to be in their offices having conversations about how to implement changes on campus. 
• So I know the expectation of their roles, and with my interactions with these people, I know that they are just as passionate as I am, if not moreso, about actually implementing these changes. So, chances are, it is safe to assume, that when they have the opportunity to be behind closed doors, they are not talking about me and how much they hate me and how they can get rid of me, but probably about how they can implement these changes.
• Now, a tricky part of this is that there ARE people on campus that these people do talk about in ways that I would not like to be talked about for professional reasons, because basically these people they talk about are people who are not in alignment with the changes we are trying to implement, and so are not really doing their jobs well as they have been directed to do them. So obviously I do not want to be perceived this way, although I have absolutely zero reason to believe that I am perceived this way except the bullshit that I make up in my paranoid mind. 
• So on the one hand, if these people are going to be talking about anybody behind closed doors, I can probably take some very good guesses as to about whom, and even as to what specifically they are saying. 
• But on the other hand, I witness and even participate in these conversations, as they are necessary to navigate the politics of implementing these changes, and so I thus have a fear about these same conversations happening about me.
• But, what I also know of these people, the one in particular who I feel the most anxiety around, is that this person is completely transparent with those about whom they speak. Meaning, they may have discussions behind closed doors with others about someone, but then they will have that same discussion with that someone -- showing them the respect of entrusting them to be professional enough to handle such topics as how to implement these changes even though those individuals do not want to. 
• I want to implement the changes. I have received many compliments from these people. So why do I continue to doubt myself, personally and professionally? 
• I admire / respect these individuals, so I want them to like me / I want them to continue to provide me with guidance / support / exemplary professionalism / strategies for doing this job. 
• I am invested in actually enjoying my day at work, and these people are pretty much the primary source of enjoyment (outside myself! so placing my ability to enjoy work outside myself is problematic because it is not stable / not something I can control). 
• So, I mean, if I didn't really care about enjoying what I spend the majority of my day doing, or if I didn't have to go there every day, then I wouldn't be so invested in wanting these people to like me. 
• But I have to look at why I care so much about people liking me. 
• One thing that is relevant to all of this is that I frequently feel anxiety about my self-worth in the eyes of others and whether or not other people like me. And one of the few things that I have found thus far to even bring me anywhere close back to "center" in terms of not going to these extreme states of paranoia is the act of comparison. I doubt how really self-supportive or self-honest that is... but it's what I've got, right now. And so if / when / as I feel anxiety / paranoia that members of my family, for example, do not like me, I can refer to other members of my family who I know behave "worse" than I do and are more of a "problem" than I am (because within this anxiety / paranoia I perceive myself as "bad" and a "problem) and see that my family members still love and support that person. Similarly at work if / when / as I feel anxiety / paranoia that coworkers do not like me, I can refer to other coworkers who I see are great sources of frustration and set-backs to the changes we are there to implement, and realize that they are still treated with respect as human beings, and even if there are some personal misgivings in place, it's not like anyone hates anyone and hates when they walk into the room and hates when they open their mouth, etc. etc. And so from the point of "comparison" I can at least get somewhat of a more grounded perspective on myself by comparing behavior and effect of behavior between myself and some of these other people to begin to see that there really isn't much that I do that other people are likely to react to negatively. Or I can take for example my job at my yoga studio, where I am repeatedly complimented by a staff member that I am good at my job there, and am sometimes let in on whatever is going badly for others there, and yet when tonight I called the studio to ask a question about the price of an event (something ideally I would know given my position at the front desk), I became paranoid that the staff member I spoke with (the same staff I mentioned already) was annoyed with me. So I can refer back to the relationship already established to see how this person actually feels about me. 
• But... that's sort of all I have at this point to try and get myself out of this paranoia. That, and trying to actually recognize and value what positive feedback I receive from other people, something I have never been great at retaining and usually brush off as invalid, a fluke, or them somehow being wrong. 
• And yet, how a person "feels" about me is mostly meaningless, because often it has only to do with that person. I mean peoples' moods change all the time based on the smallest things and so I guess I can try to go off of how a person seems to feel about me when they are at their "baseline" / not stressed out or upset or especially elated about something, but even so this is really only a reflection of my possible ability to manipulate others into liking me. Although I don't see myself as actively manipulating others into liking me, having others like me is still a primary starting point for my behavior and so it undoubtedly plays a role in directing who I am. So again: Why do I care so much about other people liking me? 
• So I see still that none of this is actual stability in self honesty in myself. So that is still a huge point I have to work on. 
• I suppose I also have the realization that my internal conversations and reactions are likely directing my behavior in ways that I may not be totally aware of, and that then serve as stimuli for others to react in ways that I perceive as others not liking me, when in fact those others might be perceiving that I do not like them. 
• So: Be nice! Treat others as I would like to be treated! Be respectful! 
• And, maybe ask for feedback. Like, ask if there is anything I can do better or differently, professionally-speaking, so that if there is anything, I can know, rather than fear that there is something that they are not telling me. 
2. Work in general is very stressful for many reasons
• I realize that in some ways I "like" stress because it is interesting and also makes me feel important. 
• However something I realized over the weekend was that here I am back at a job that is stressful every day by its very nature, just like the last time I worked at a school, but this time is different because we are trying to implement an entire systemic shift in program, and there really isn't much stability or even foundational support in terms of what to show up and do each day. Fortunately this is being built each day, but it's an extremely slow process.  
• It is primarily other staff who contribute most to the stress, not the students. 
• More and more I am dreading going to work, or, rather, less and less am I looking forward to it. More and more I feel like I am just trying to "get through the week," because the stress and anxiety I feel at work is so debilitating. The job itself really isn't that hard. It's my relationship to the job, my relationship with myself that is so demanding of all my energy, where I demand all this energy of myself through my reactions, sucking me dry with paranoia, stress, and anxiety. 
• Only to then meet the weekend where I have another obligation, and fear / anxiety now tied to that obligation as well. 
• I see that I often miss my old job in Denver because I had so much more support from my coworkers even if only because there were so many other people with my same exact job title and description who shared similar experiences, plus I worked with other staff at almost every moment of the day whereas now it is often just myself and a teacher in the room with students, and whenever I am on campus (getting paid to be there, anyway), so are students, and there is no one else my age / with my job title who I feel I can trust / rely on for support. Support is really lacking in general, and although there are individuals who try to give it to me, I begin to feel guilty or like I am sucking them dry or overstepping boundaries and being needy by needing / wanting support. Plus it is clear that every single individual on campus is in a state of distress and frustration. So we are all trying to each manage ourselves while managing each other while managing the students while managing the changes. 
3. Loneliness
• The last point in the previous section also leads me thus to think about how I feel lonely. I mean at my old job for example I made friendships where we hung out outside of work frequently, we even celebrated Thanksgiving together. Also in Denver I had other friendships in my building. And some wacky stuff happens at work and it would be cool to just be able to talk about it with someone, to just process it through conversation. I have written a lot about friendships and there is much more still to write, but they are something I have always struggled with my whole life. And as much as I miss a handful of people from Denver and various aspects of my life there, if you would have asked me while I still lived in Denver if I felt like I had any really good friends, I would have said no most of the time, because I have always discredited and discounted whatever friendships I have made, always on guard for getting hurt or being betrayed, wanting to reject others before they could reject me. I think that the last time that I really consistently embraced my friendships was my freshman year of college. After that I much more consistently came up with barriers. 
• And that is something that came up at the CoDA meeting from someone else's share, about drawing others close and then pushing them away. There is this fear in me of actually having close, honest, intimate relationships, even though at the same time I have often said that that is precisely all I have ever really wanted in life. Intimacy with others. 
• So that is interesting to look at in terms of intimacy with myself, and if I've really had that, at least in a way that has provided me with self support and feeling complete and whole within and as myself. Although I've always been extremely introspective, I've not had compassion and grace for myself, I've not really been my own best friend, or even friend. In fact I am often my own worst enemy, as we can see from the paranoia I experience. 
• So I put up these walls and defenses and barriers. Obviously. Part of that comes back to the paranoia where in many instances I might perceive that another person doesn't like me, or just generally go through life with the belief that I am unlikeable, and so I put up walls and defenses to prevent myself from getting hurt or from having to be rejected by others. I also utilize memories of times when I have felt hurt and rejected and betrayed by people I decided to trust, and use those memories as justification for more walls and barriers and not trusting others. 
• But I obviously cannot trust myself! And I am the only one I really even should trust. So that is the point to look at. Trusting myself, and being my own friend. If I do this, then I am stable, and I can interact with others freely, without expectation, hope, or fear. 
• It also frustrates me a great deal that some of the few friends I have had recently, who have been males, have hit on me and sexualized me rather than simply being my friend. And yet I settle for this as if it is at least safe and secure inasmuch as I know they want me, even if it is only that they want me for sex, so I feel safe that they will not leave me. I don't try to tease or anything... I mean I have been actually upfront that I am uncomfortable with the comments. But I use this also as like a self-victimization point of "I can't even manage to make a friend who just wants to be my friend!" like as if all I am good for is my body and sexuality, which is actually often how I have accepted and allowed men to treat me and thus how I have treated myself, because "I accept sex when what I really want is love." 
4. At this week's CoDA meeting there was a lot of silence between shares. And I felt awkward around it. And I would glance around the room sometimes and lock eyes with people, people who were looking right at me. And I began to panic and get paranoid in my mind that people were expecting me to share, and in fact getting mad that I wasn't sharing, and feeling like I was somehow infiltrating their group and just taking without giving, just listening to all of these peoples' inner secrets without sharing any of my own. And I created big anxiety and pressure around this that made me start to think that I will just not go next week, that I can't handle it, and also getting kind of angry that these people would be so untrusting of me and expect me to share even when I don't want to. All this just from making eye contact. 
• So I mean first of all obviously there is this huge point of anxiety and paranoia and projection and back chat, and believing that I know what others are thinking about me, and believing that others are thinking these very negative things about me, just like the anxiety and paranoia at work. 
• Then there is the actual fear of sharing, the fear of opening up. The fear even of my reaction to sharing, the fear that it will be yet another experience where I will say something and then immediately doubt myself and therefore hate myself and beat myself up within my mind. The fear that I will fumble over my words, or that I won't have anything interesting to say. The fear of breaking the ice, the fear of taking that first initial step.
• Breaking the ice and taking that first initial step is the fear I have to conquer first, and I could easily do so by simply saying, "My name is Kaitlee, I'm a codependent. I notice that I feel very afraid of sharing in this group, not because the group has shown me that it is untrustworthy, but because I see that I do not trust myself and the things that I tell myself about myself. But I am not going to allow my fear to direct me, so here I am, sharing about my fear. Thank you." And then they would thank me for sharing, and I would maybe cry or at least tear up and then suppress it down, and then the next person would share. 
• And if I were to react with crying I would be afraid of how others would perceive this, like as if I want attention or as if I want the focus to stay on me even after I am done sharing, or even that others would pity me or feel bad for me, or their focus would in fact remain on me, because I do not want to be seen or recognized even though I so badly want to be seen and recognized. 
• What the fuck. 
• But one cool thing about this is to also see how I resisted writing yesterday, and even still today, because I didn't really know what I could share. So rather than support myself by trying to write for myself, like I am doing here by just getting it all out, I would start to write, then scratch it because it didn't seem worthy of sharing. But what is worthy of sharing? I am here. I am walking. I am doing my fucking best within my present abilities to support myself. That is worth sharing. 
5. Which leads me to: A different kind of anxiety
• Not the same kind of anxiety that exists alongside paranoia, although maybe this also involves its own form of paranoia. This is an anxiety about a build up. This is an anxiety about breaking the ice. This is an anxiety about that first time. That first time I share. That first time I see my dad again after over 7 years. That first time I see and talk to that person between myself and whom I have built a wall and a grudge. 
• So my immediate response once I began to crack under the pressure of this growing anxiety is to release it, but I am not certain if I am releasing or suppressing / ignoring it. I don't like it, that's for sure. I don't want to experience it. I believe that if I can "let it go" and stop allowing myself to exist as it, that then I will be able to do whatever is necessary to heal and / or practically prepare, whether energetically, mentally, or physically. 
• How valid is this? I don't know. Do I want to share even after trying to let that go? Not really. Do I really want to see my dad, even after ignoring the pressure I have felt to see him someday? Not really. Do I want to reconnect with the other side of the grudge? Not really. Is this just accepting and allowing the blockade to exist, the wall, the grudge, or the otherwise off-limits-ness of fear? 
• I mean, is it supportive to exist under and as all that pressure and anxiety to go through with something? I have felt it during this time of requesting time and space. I have not been HERE and NOW but have been THERE and THEN, that future time and space when I believe I might have to face this fear. So rather than being HERE and NOW and WITHIN and AS MYSELF, during the time and space I have been given per my request, I have been abandoning myself to my energetic experience of fear, anxiety, and pressure, imagining and gearing up and building up to that future time and space of having to face the fear. Rather than taking the time to heal and do whatever it is that I need to do to be ready to face that fear, I have been the fear itself, the fear directing me, also giving me migraines. 
• So... I have to look at this more. I don't really know what's going on there. It's hard to tell. If I were not me, if I were someone else reading this, I would probably say: Face the fear! Fuck time and space! Just do it! 
• But, do I trust myself to just do it, and not react? To just do it, and not be overtaken again by energy, even more than I already am? 
• But, but, but... 
• But I see in what I have written in all of these points above, I am so obviously not stable. I am so obviously allowing myself to be directed by energy. And this is not even all of the points tumbling around and in me. So what is most self supportive? Is it better to put off the scariest points in favor of trying to stabilize the others? Would it be easier to stabilize the others if I got the scariest points out of the way first? What am I so afraid of, anyway? I'll not die. The world won't end. 
• And I see from Day 155: "I realize that I learn through falling, and I learn through standing back up. This is how I learn to trust myself, and by trusting myself I will be able to stop my fears."
6. Family stress
• I have multiple stressors around me in my family, primarily in the form of illnesses and old age. No one close to me has ever died. The few people who have died, I wasn't that close to, and certainly after they died I told myself we weren't really that close at all anyway. I mean in part this is relevant to my inability to connect with other people on an intimate level of really feeling connected in such a way that I can't just basically flip a switch and suppress any negative reactions I might have over their death (and yet look what happens if someone betrays me or hurts me in some way, how interesting). 
• I think one of the things I experience here is guilt. Guilt about not being there more. Which is interesting because I could easily be there every day. I just choose not to. I "intend" to, moreso now than ever. But do I follow through? I haven't yet. 
• And then there are family members I resist for other reasons. And then there are family members I perceive as resisting me. And then there is me, feeling resentment about that perceived resistance. And then there is me, undoubtedly operating and behaving in some way that manifests precisely that which I fear, if in no other way then that I experience it as real because I create it through my own paranoia. 
7. How I respond when it seems others are resisting me
• If I reach out to someone and they do not respond, I tend to kind of grumble and have some back chat but then just kind of leave it, but really there is still this energy that they must not like me and I shouldn't bother and maybe they even hate me and maybe they are sick of hearing from me and I am such a burden etc. etc. 
• Usually when this happens it is over some kind of electronic communication, most frequently texting. 
• So, simply to look more at this and see how even if I leave the thoughts alone, I still hold onto the energy even if only subtly and still end up feeling resentment that another person somehow managed to overlook responding to me / communicating effectively and believing therefore they must be purposely ignoring me with malicious intent. 
• How have I lived this out? There have been instances when I have purposely not responded. Sometimes with malicious intent, sometime manipulative intent, and sometimes simply because I believe it is best for me to not engage. 
8. Migraines. Increased migraines. This is how I can really tell that something, or many things, I am doing is not working. 

So it's obvious that I've not been directing myself in myriad ways. It's obvious that I've lost touch with my ability to support myself practically, or even to trust myself. 

Where to go from here is unclear. Continue to support myself in the ways that I know how. This includes continuing to benefit from what my peers share in their blogs, or what is shared in interviews. This includes breathing through my entire day at work, whether or not I am experiencing anxiety, and being observant of what is going on around me, and stable in myself, and realizing that even if there are people on campus who don't like me, even if people I respect and admire do actively avoid me and talk behind my back, this does not hurt me physically, I am still here. So being here and now in every moment and every breath, and seeing myself too as who I am within my mind, who I am to myself, how I treat myself, what I say to myself, and not accepting or allowing myself to mistreat, abuse, or manipulate myself through my thoughts, back chat, and energy. 

And since I feel disconnected from myself in terms of the supports I have already established and the realizations I have already had, where to go from here also thus includes reconnecting with these aspects by rereading what I have already written on a lot of these topics, because none of these are brand new points within my process, or none of them are completely unrelated to points I have already begun the process of walking, so I can support myself by reminding myself what I have already begun to learn. 

Thanks for letting me share.

Anxiety, Self-Direction, and Getting Lost - Day 149

In some ways, I have noticed a marked increase in my experience of anxiety.

Right now I attribute this to increased awareness. Like a hyper-exposure, as compared to ever before, to my environment and who I am within it. And, since I haven't really addressed anxiety specifically, anxiety is a kind of go-to reaction to that hyper-exposure.

ex·pose
ikˈspōz/
verb
1. make (something) visible, typically by uncovering it.

Visibility implies vulnerability. In becoming more visible to myself, I experience myself also as more visible to others. But nothing has actually changed in physical reality. Only my awareness.

The sensation is interesting. It isn't really an anxiety in my gut. It's more in my chest, in my heart rate, and like a very subtle vibration in my upper arms and shoulders, like making me feel compressed from the sides, with my arms at my sides. A kind of pressure to make myself small and narrow, and collapsed.

It's weird because it's also how I felt when I visited Oakland a few weekend ago. In part I was a little anxious because I was meeting someone for the first time, and that is usually an experience that I react to with anxiety.

But I also attribute my experience in Oakland to this feeling of being kind of trapped and exposed, which for some reason I relate to in terms of transportation. I mean I know that my anxiety in the bay area links me to a memory of the only car accident I've ever been in that was my fault, and that occurred in San Francisco.

So for some reason I associate this particular experience of anxiety of visibility and vulnerability -- this experience becoming normative as my experience now as I become more involved at work especially, and come to see myself more and more in process -- with the experience of being in a large city and having to navigate my transportation therein by myself.

So it's a weird association that I don't really understand yet. But the experience is becoming a frequent, maybe even near-constant experience of myself, even now here where I live and at work.

But interesting to note here in particular in relation to this association is that it is associated with having to rely on myself to navigate in a crowded, highly visible, chaotic environment, where the whole city is not going to stop, where no one really can be expected to stop to help me, or to soothe me, or to give me direction, should I crash, or fall, or make a mistake. I have to do it myself. And, at least in the case of driving, I don't believe I can.

And, really, in the case of living, it is the same. I am saturated with self-doubt, and it feels like my speed is picking up. Like here I am now approaching the city, and now driving in the city, and I can't stop it, I am here in the city, and I am scared. What I do at work matters. What I do in my personal life for myself, matters. I matter, I am beginning to see. And with that comes responsibility, ie self-reliance. Self-trust. Whoa.

And I want to hide. I feel hyper-exposed.

But now I see that my speed is not in fact picking up. As I said above, nothing in reality has changed, only my awareness.

So now, I stop, and I support myself with my breath, when I feel anxious like this. I take deep, slow breaths, and I support myself this way until I can release the anxious energy as pressure and compression on my body from the sides of my arms and shoulders and chest, through my breath.

I realize that as I breathe deeply and slowly, the sensation dissipates. Could the sensation itself be indicative that I have been holding my breath, or breathing too shallow? Maybe. So I look at this.

---

I wrote that last night.

Last night I also watched an episode of Lost (Season 2, Episode 18, "Dave") and it was really a very interesting episode in terms of "mental health." Basically within it we find out that one character, who used to be in a mental institution, was there at least in part because he had an imaginary friend who represented negativity and an addiction to food. And in this episode, the character has a mental break, and this imaginary friend re-emerges, and lures him to a cliff where he suggests that jumping off will allow the character to wake up to see actual reality (the imaginary friend convinces him that everything at that point is an illusion).

I got kind of wrapped up in this. I mean I could really relate, given my own experiences with "mental illness" and the dark places I have gone within my mind, hating myself, limiting myself, even wanting to kill myself, or hurt myself. Paranoia about reality vs illusion. Lack of trust of others, and myself. Really dark negative belief systems about myself. And it was interesting to see how that kind of energy can become separated so far to the point of creating an imaginary friend, although I've not done that. Either way the episode serves as an example of the personalities we create for different parts of ourselves, as we divide ourselves from ourselves as life within our minds. Lost is available to stream on Netflix, by the way. It's a great show.

But I was scared, as I was watching. It's so easy! It's so easy to get lost. It's so easy to let that part take control. It's so easy to fuck up. It would be so easy for me to, for example, believe I should just kill myself. So I was scared. Because I didn't want to go there again. And I didn't want to risk it. And I was scared because I wasn't sure how I would even be able to tell. How can I tell illusion from reality? I've lived in illusion for so long, even if it hasn't always been the kind that leads me over a cliff. How can I trust myself?

So for me this relates back to the hyper-exposure / awareness of myself. I am more aware of who I am, who I have been, the consequences of me. And as I try to pick up the pieces of myself and gather myself as one whole, I am pulling into myself the parts of me I pushed farthest away in separation. The darkest parts of me, are still me. So here I am, like in the same room now with my own death, having to face myself, without separation.

And last night I felt actually kind of scared as I was trying to sleep, because I was afraid that this anxiety would be my demise, that I would somehow really fuck something up, like at work.

I'm trying to identify the anxiety more now. I know for one thing that sometimes the food I eat gives me a physical experience that is similar to anxiety. Just like how one of my old students at my old job would sometimes become scared and thus angry after playing sports, because he confused his increased heart rate for anxiety and fear. Similarly I might be confusing these physical sensations, and reacting to them with anxiety.

But I am also facing a big point right now. And I don't really want to face it. That is probably a huge part of it.

I also see how angry I am. I am so angry. And I see that the things that I say in my mind, the angry energy that I am directing at another in my mind... why, it's so familiar. Because I've hated myself before. Because I've hurt myself before. Because I've wanted to hurt myself before. Because I've raged at myself countless times. So when I realized this, when I realized that everything I was ranting about in my mind about another was the exact same shit I believe about myself, it kind of overcame me. It came back at me, as me. And I just want to rage and throw a fit and break something and hit a punching bag until I cry.

I haven't released it yet. I went through today with this anxiety energy consuming me. The anger is consuming me.

I am not sure, but, I think in some ways, it was probably a self-victimization. I am stressed, I am overwhelming myself. So here I made myself the victim of anxiety. Like, wow, I am really going through something "serious" here, so I need attention. But I didn't seek out attention for it. I just went through my day, feeling anxious, feeling worried, feeling distracted and uncomfortable, feeling afraid, and feeling afraid of fucking up. Seeing how easy it would be to fuck up, and feeling afraid of that, and then feeling stuck, like I am going down this path, like I am driving in the city and I am going to crash.

I don't know. There is a lot right now.

What I do know, but have not been practicing, is that I have control over myself. I know that, even if I don't know how, I am creating this experience. I know that I am feeding it, or else it wouldn't still be here. I mean the mere fact that I moved through the entire day holding onto this anxiety -- obviously I am participating. I was "trying it on" so to speak, to see how it felt. Now I need to take it off, and let it go.

So I breathe. And I also move away from the foods that I suspect might be contributing to the physical experience that I am reacting to as anxiety. And I take care of myself, and be patient with myself, and try to figure out how the fuck I can support myself before I self destruct.

And I continue to look at how to let go of energy, and leave it behind me. Actually release it, and then fill myself with my breath, myself as life.

And I reflect on what I have already written, as a way to see myself, rather than resist myself. I embody myself as one whole; I do not abandon myself, and I am not a lost cause.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto anxious energy as a self-definitive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in angry thoughts and hold onto the anger generated by these thoughts so that I am back tracking and creating new energy to hold onto rather than releasing and letting go of energy unconditionally.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to truly be forgiving.

I commit myself to embodying forgiveness as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move through my day filled with self-doubt and self-hatred and questioning my value or my worth to anyone or to myself.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to put it on others to validate me or tell me I am okay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a lack or need within myself and then expecting others to fill it, or hoping others will help me feel better somehow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot do this, where this is supporting myself, this is standing in stability, this is continuing forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage with this extreme experience of anxiety as if it is the new me, who I am, and who I will be, as if I have no ability to direct the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become this experience of anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to direct myself and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exposed and fear being exposed, even though I believe that integrity = transparency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and fear that others will judge me as harshly as I judge myself, or as harshly as I judge others.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to embody forgiveness and realize it as the way of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am alone, that I do not have the support that other people have, that I do not have the friendships or relationships that other people have, and that because of this I am lost, I am less equipped to get through each day the way that others can. I realize this is self-victimization. I realize my relationships are my own creation. I realize that within this I am denying myself my own ability to support myself. I realize that this does not support me, to entertain these thoughts, and feel sorry for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of the relationships or outside support that I perceive others as having. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of the seeming stability that other people have. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent people in my life who I feel do not support me the way I wish they would, or the way it seems like other people are able to garner support from those around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entranced in a story or theatrical depiction of mental illness and to fear myself having the same experience, or fear my memories of my own dark experiences, to fear that I have no control over myself, that my mind can overtake me and direct me to my death.

It can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this, and believe that I can't overcome it, that I can't direct myself to life.

I can.

I commit myself to patience with myself. I commit myself to understanding myself. I commit myself to forgiving myself. I commit myself to letting go. I commit myself to steady breathing, steady walking, and steadiness within myself. I commit myself to slowing down to what is here and now. I commit myself to supporting myself and sympathizing with myself and giving myself whatever I wish another would give me at any given moment, giving myself that moment to be here for and as myself, to care for myself, to care about myself, giving myself what I need but am not getting because I am not giving it to myself.

I commit myself to stop fear of moving forward. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to be overcome by energy.

I commit myself to start by allowing myself to believe I can do this, to stop the self-doubt. Then, I will do it.