First, an illustration. Whenever my family would drive up the Sierra Nevada Mountains to Lake Tahoe, my mom would invariably comment as we turned around corners on the side of the mountain that "it would be so easy to just drive over! Oh, I feel like I'm just being sucked over the edge!"
This is a little alarming I guess but I don't think I ever thought much of it. I wanted to stop at an overlook area to see the view, but because of her fear, we never did, so that was the extent of how I read into it. Consciously, anyway.
Now I have my own experience, though, where when I am driving I get stuck on thinking about how easy it would be to swerve and crash head on into oncoming traffic, just as one example.
When I'm in a negative energy, especially sad, this thought scares me. Because I don't necessarily trust myself to not do that.
So those are illustrative for me of my fear of falling within my mind. My fear of falling into the dark depths of depression, for example, or "mental illness," paranoia, etc. Basically, "it would be so easy." There's really nothing stopping me.
And the thing that I am noticing with process is... it's a lot of really effortful work. I mean in some areas I have been able to change basically upon seeing. But in other areas... there are such strong energetic pulls to create and exist in a particular energy. The grudge, for example. Anger, and blame, and resentment. These are strong strong strong energetic experiences. So I notice that I have like this fear of falling there, or even a belief that I can't actually eradicate that energy from myself. Like it's there, so it will always be there, and so there will always be that option to give in to it. Like simply because it will always be an option, like how cutting myself is technically always an option, or deciding to starve myself and deciding to start going back to all those self abusive body-image related thoughts is always an option -- it's like since I created those things they are always with me, always an option, and the fact that they're always an option creates a fear in me that I won't be able to resist them forever, that someday I'll inevitably choose them again, even if only because it is so easy to do so, whether accidentally without my awareness, or deliberately so as to punish myself.
But that's just it. I mean, a commitment implies a choice. When offered options, I commit myself to make this choice: Stop, breathe, investigate, stabilize, align self with what is best for all.
So there's nothing about this process that implies automation or ease. Quite the opposite. Now, maybe someday it gets easier. Certainly when one does something long enough, it becomes easier to do. I would guess that if I can make the choice to follow through on those commitments enough, consistently enough, for long enough, I will begin to see through my living and my experience of myself why that really is what is best. I will not want that energetic fix anymore. But, I don't know. I've heard of many addicts who never stop wanting their drug of choice, and energy is like a drug.
Nonetheless, that doesn't change anything. It's still a commitment. That's why it's a commitment. It's a commitment precisely because it is a choice, and I commit myself to make that choice. The process itself implies that it will not be easy or automatic. Just because it is always there and I always want it doesn't mean I have to give in or give up and take it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of falling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically look down the "dark path" I could walk, and allowing myself to get stuck on that possibility of what I could do, rather than sticking to my commitment of what I actually will do and am doing, looking forward instead of looking behind me or to the side.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that certain energetic pulls will never go away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe / fear that if that option is always available as a choice I could make, I will inevitably someday eventually return to making that choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put the brakes on the direction I am committing myself to go because I am stuck in thinking about how easy it would be to slip into a different direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically fear that I don't have control over myself, that I am not my own self directive principle, but instead the recesses and crevices of my mind control me, so within this I fear that it is inevitable that I will fall / fail.
I realize if I fall, I can stand back up.
I realize this is a process, and I probably will fall.
I realize that I learn through falling, and I learn through standing back up. This is how I learn to trust myself, and by trusting myself I will be able to stop my fears.
I realize that I have a new choice in every single moment, in every single breath.
So when and as I see myself thinking / fearing what "would be so easy" to do but that I know I should not do, I stop, and I breathe. I realize I have control of me here. I realize that if I allow this fear, then the fear controls me. I realize that I do not have to accept or allow the fear to be here as me. I realize I can continue to direct myself. I realize that just because something is an option does not mean I have to choose it. So I commit myself to continuing to support myself to live in stability and have control of myself and be my own self directive principle. I commit myself to no longer accepting or allowing the fear, but to be watchful also of if that fear is coming up because I see I am getting close to the edge. I commit myself to self-awareness and self-responsibility, responsible for myself in all of my behaviors, not allowing myself to give my direction of myself over to my energetic experiences or my mind.
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