The night before I had just had a conversation with my older brother about financial management and how to best pay off my rather hefty sums of debt. It was informative and encouraging, although at the same time it was easy for me to feel discouraged since it feels rather overwhelming to think of making payments on various loans for the next 3-10 years of my life, depending of course on how much money I make and how well I manage that money to have enough of it to put toward the loans. I suppose if I really got on top of it, including changing my living situation, I could pay the loans off in more like 2 years.
At points like these it's really easy for me to become overwhelmed and just ignore/deny the problem, which obviously only makes it bigger.
It's also very easy for me to enter excuses and justifications where I have thoughts in my mind about how I should be an exception to the rules of money, I should be exempt, I'm such a good person, how can anyone expect me to...? and so on.
I think that the traffic fine is pretty outrageous. I've lived in a few different states and none of the other states I've lived in have had traffic fines of this extreme magnitude. Nonetheless I broke the law -- laws that are readily available for me to know and abide by, and even laws for which I am fully aware of the consequences. So while there is definitely a part of me that wants to whine and complain and kick my feet and throw a tantrum about how this "isn't fair" and "I don't deserve this" and how I otherwise shouldn't have to / be expected to pay this fine, it's obvious that this is my responsibility and my consequence.
One thing that I realized today as I continued to process this news was that I had justified/excused my exceptional status as my reaction to this ticket by thinking that I am a "good" person and a "good" driver and a "law-abiding citizen." But actually this is only "true" within the extent that I have not broken any laws which have resulted in consequences for / the harming of others.
I have however texted and driven and talked on my phone and driven countless times -- both of which are illegal and have fines over $100 for first offense. I have also smoked a lot of weed in my past without a license to do so, although I have lived in states where it is legal if one has a license. I even blatantly ran a red light one time and fortunately did not get caught. I also speed almost every day. If I was held accountable to all of these infractions even at only an extremely "reasonable" $1 per infraction, the total sum would easily add up to more than just this one ticket. So to think of myself as deserving to be exceptional or exempt from these rules is really quite silly as I "get away with" breaking the law on a continual basis.
So I see that the actual fine I have been charged in a monetary amount is higher than I think is necessary or supportive of citizens. But beyond that, there is not a lot of good that reacting energetically to this situation is going to do me. It does me no good to play the victim or to become self-righteous. It does me no good to get angry or upset. It does me no good to try and blame others for my mistakes. What will do me good is to take the necessary steps to resolve this issue legally and to learn from this mistake for as and by myself, to where I can learn to be more aware of myself while driving and to not make this mistake again. Likewise, it does me no good to push awareness of my debt out of my mind. It only does me good to become ever more aware of my debt, how I acquired that debt, and how practically step by step I can pay off that debt and start to save and be responsible for myself within the management of money I earn.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ignore/deny/resist problems/consequences as I face them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this ticket consequence within discouragement and fear that it might happen again and that it would be best to just not drive, because "how can I possibly never incite a fine like this again if I didn't even know I was going to get this one?" and so within this I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and fully understand my responsibility here to adjust my behavior to take responsibility for myself in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be fully aware of myself and my environment when I am driving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the belief that where I have to go or what I have to do is more important than driving safely and following laws.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the belief that whatever I am thinking about in my mind is more important than paying attention to what I am doing and who I am in driving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am above the law.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as "road rage."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very angry while driving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very impatient while driving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break laws without even being aware that I am doing so, so within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become upset when I realize that I must face consequences for my behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it difficult for myself to exist within this system to where I have allowed myself to become upset when I must face consequences for illegal behavior which, although did no harm to anyone or anything, is not a very difficult request that my government is making of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume, within the lack of actual remembering, that the light must have just turned red from yellow and therefore it is "not my fault" that I ended up running a red light rather than stopping because I thought it was going to stay yellow, because once again I made an assumption that it would stay yellow, and I chose to risk/gamble that it would stay yellow, rather than play it safe and responsible and come to a stop, after which I would be able to immediately go again because turning on red is legal as long as I first stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into reaction when I see that I must face a consequence for my behavior wherein I play the role of victim and come up with justifications and excuses for my behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for the consequences I find myself facing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break the law daily in ways that are unsafe and that could easily lead to harming others or myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be fully aware and present while driving, wherein I realize that driving is actually a complicated task but that when I drive so much I begin to believe it can be automatic and so I become bored and think that I need to do other things while driving in order to make the experience not so boring.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be bored or to be okay with being bored.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do dangerous things while driving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take so many risks while driving a large vehicle at high speeds near other large vehicles at high speeds where it is actually very easy for someone to get hurt or to die but that despite this understanding I continue to take risks and thus do not direct myself within self-control and self-honesty and self-responsibility and what is best for all, but instead direct myself from and as immediate reward of immediate self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at other drivers on the road who are doing the exact same things I myself have done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my life and the life others in danger by my reckless and careless driving habits.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form habits within driving wherein I become a driving automaton wherein I am not present and aware of my surroundings or my actions but am simply following and completing programs and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and excuse my driving behavior by calling them "habits" wherein I abdicate responsibility for myself as self-directive principle of myself in every moment in every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe "that would never happen to me" while at the same time participating in thoughts of fear about how easy it would be for "that" to happen to me.
I forgive myself that I have often accepted and allowed myself to imagine purposely and intentionally crashing my car into stationary objects or also other moving cars simply because it would be easy to do so and therefore I could do so impulsively or if/when I feel upset and want to just say "fuck you" to life and to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my impulses while driving a large machine at high speeds, giving power to these fears and power to these impulses within my imagination and fear of what I have imagined.
When and as I see myself driving recklessly, carelessly, or participating in "road rage," I stop and I breathe. I realize this is dangerous to myself and to others. I realize there are consequences for my actions both physically and systematically, as well as consequences for the emotional energy that I accept and allow within myself in these instances. I commit myself to driving safely and defensively, within awareness of myself and my environment.
When and as I see myself experiencing driving as "boring" or wanting to do something while I am driving such as text or check my phone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that driving is actually a rather complicated task requiring much of my attention and that the only reason I am experiencing it as boring is because I am allowing myself to. I realize that distracting myself from driving by engaging in other activities is dangerous to myself and others. I realize that it only takes one split second to make a fatal or financially costly mistake. I commit myself to concentrating my full awareness on driving as the task in which I am engaging in that moment.
When and as I see myself looking at other drivers and becoming angry or comparing myself to them within justifications for my own behavior in light of theirs, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is a lot that is fucked up with this society and a lot of people are allowed to engage in activities that they really shouldn't be allowed to engage in for lack of care and consideration and responsibility. I also realize that just because I am able to perceive others as not driving safely and therefore perceive myself as being safer than they are, does not mean that there is any room whatsoever for me to abdicate my own responsibility within driving a huge machine at high speeds. No matter what other people "get away with," I am still responsible to and as myself as one as equal with all life as what is best for all. So I commit myself to once again driving safely and defensively and accepting complete responsibility for myself within who I am within driving without comparison of myself to others or what others "get away with," and to within this take full responsibility for myself in whatever consequences I may face within my actions.
