Boundaries and Control - Day 164

Last night I had a dream wherein I somehow came to reconcile with an old friend from college. I guess this was one of my first really big friendship grudges. There were others, but this one was big.

The dream was quite a few hours ago and I don't remember a lot of it now, but I remember that when I woke up right after, I knew I was telling myself something.

I remember that within the dream, although this person and I reconciled, I was placing clear boundaries for myself in the relationship. Basically, okay, we're not "enemies." But I don't know if we're really close friends either. I didn't want that. Actually I think within the dream it had to do with "we can be friends again, but I don't want to live together again" (we had been roommates in the dorms).

And then I think at some point in the dream I came home, which I guess was also her home at that point, and she was doing something that I didn't like, and then in the dream I stopped and realized that this is also her home, and she can do whatever she wants here.

I guess part of what this dream brings forth in what I can remember of it is: boundaries and control.

Without proper boundaries, I feel very out of control and then try to assert control through my emotions and reactions.

With having placed the boundary in the dream (a little confusing to think back on it because the dream is so fuzzy to me now), I was able to let go of the need for control over another person and simply have control over myself. I was able to realize that in a situation where I didn't like something, I am the subject and the doer in that sentence, so I am the person that I need to deal with to resolve that issue.

Boundaries is something I've been grappling with for a few weeks or months now. I've only recently begun to understand them and understand how I can support myself within them. Basically my perspective is that a boundary is an agreement with myself. That's all, plain and simple.

Control is something that I've been realizing I only have if I am not trying to control something outside of myself. The moment I try to control something outside of myself is the moment I lose all control, which of course perpetuates the experience of trying to gain control of my environment if I have not yet realized that the only thing I can control is myself. Trying to control is to be out of control. Actual control is to just be with what is, within the boundaries as agreements that I set for myself in self support and self responsibility.

So I see how these are two key features of all my failed relationships with others and failure to sustain a trusting loving relationship with myself.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to set healthy boundaries for myself within friendships and relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me in such a way that is detrimental to the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also react to the things that other people choose to do that do affect me in such a way that is detrimental and ineffective, making the other person feel like I am limiting them and like I am manipulating them because that is the reaction I am having within my sense of being out of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when things that I cannot control happen.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize healthy ways to communicate my needs so that other people can potentially make choices that will serve as a compromise and agreement for both of us within a shared living space or within a friendship or relationship (example: instead of sitting up in bed and making some snarky comment about how I'm trying to sleep, I could have had a calm and collected conversation with my roommate about please not having sex with her 2nd boyfriend that her 1st boyfriend doesn't know about while I am in the room).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my emotional reactions as manipulation to try and control other people because this was the only tool I learned how to use in many instances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to and try to control other people in ways that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when other people are simply living their lives the way that they want to.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place boundaries for myself when I see that the things I cannot control are not things that I want to accept or allow myself to be around or impose upon myself (example: instead of staying in a harmful friendship too long, I can first communicate why I dislike the way another person treats me and then, if it does not change, go elsewhere, rather than holding onto that friendship as a confirmation of my belief that it is what I am worth and that the only way to prove to myself that I am more valuable is to stick it out in the hopes that I can change this person or convince them to treat me better).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self worth and my quality of life outside myself into the hands of others so that because of this I have felt like their choices, actions, behaviors, etc., are direct reflections of who I am, and so therefore I want to control them to create a picture of myself that I can live with through others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself and others as life through this dynamic such that then if the other person does not bend at my will and be "a good friend" to me, I am able to then create a superiority complex for myself while at the same time continuing to live under the premise that who they are is a reflection of me, so that within myself I feel both superior and better-than and also inferior and worthless.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand how what these other people have reflected to me in these instances is my self imposed need for control which is in fact unnecessary, within this showing me how I have not taken responsibility for myself in having control over myself and in making choices and decisions for myself to support myself, instead depending on others to stay within some kind of undefined imaginary boundary that I am not even fully aware of, let alone them. Also how I have not been a good friend to myself or to others, how I have not created boundaries for myself to assist and support myself in choosing healthy friendships and how I have not accepted myself as who I am, instead needing others to show me who I am through who they are through again my perception of them, a perception which is sick and toxic because I have not been self honest, self responsible, or self supportive.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place healthy boundaries for myself of how I will respond in any given situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful situations for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful friendships for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold out and hold onto the hope that another person might be able to change and be the person I wanted them to be.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to accept other people for exactly who they are, and then direct myself accordingly, according to who I am and what I need in self support, instead trying to change other people to meet my needs for support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unclear and unmarked boundaries so that really the only boundary that has been in place has been my reactive emotions which of course is not consistent and is pretty nonsensical within the physical because my reactive emotions are based on all my many memories and beliefs and other internal mind things that other people do not share with me because they do not share my specific experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within this often make many friendships all about me in some ways because here I am delineating the appearance of the relationship based on my shit that I carry around as memories and reactions and beliefs.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and realize what is mine and what is another's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to take care of what is another person's business, leaving my own business to rot or fester or grow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am so worthless and so untrustworthy and to doubt myself so much that if, when, and as I see a boundary that needs to be set, I feel like I have to justify it or explain it with emotional reactivity or some kind of impending danger rather than simply seeing, realizing, and understanding that this boundary is what is best for me and letting that be enough.



I commit myself to continue to look at boundaries and setting clear boundaries for myself, which, depending on different factors, may be malleable within a moment of experience in the physical in practical consideration of what is best (so, not setting rigid rules).

I commit myself to continue to look at how I use my emotions, especially anger, to try and control outcomes.

I commit myself also to looking at how I use my emotions to justify my boundaries when really all I need is to set a boundary for myself and live by it. I do not have to explain myself; the boundary is mine.

Points and Time - Day 146

Today was a very stressful day for a lot of reasons. I am pretty drained. I supported myself with some brief explorative writing, then went to yoga where I cried but felt too embarrassed and self-judgmental / concerned with "ruining" the experience of the others in the room so I did not really let it go / lose it. Which is interesting language, because "letting it go" and "losing it" is really precisely what I am trying to teach myself to do with this intense energy that I hold onto and hold in. Nonetheless the yoga was supportive. Afterward I went to my mom's and talked for a few hours with her, and was able to express a lot and also see some new things. Now it is almost 10pm and my eyes are very tired from the crying and I haven't eaten dinner. So now I just want to list some points I need to look at, whether publicly or privately, and then eat and relax. 

- Boundaries at work
- Boundaries in friendships
- Professionalism
- Anxiety / nervousness about a specific situation at work
- Holding onto (trivial!) criticism, even in the midst of a lot of praise
- How to let it go / lose it emotionally
- Being angry for the sake of being angry (or any energy)
- The difference between reactive anger and grudge anger (one has a stimulus, the other I am creating out of only myself)
- A close, watchful eye on myself in wall-building versus setting boundaries
- How to take responsibility for myself without involving another
- How to do that without building a wall because of not involving another
- Why is it that I become so invested in what other people do and how they do it? Why does it anger / frustrate me so much when people do not live up to my high standards of integrity? How do I not live up to these standards?
- Being gracious with myself, not so hard on myself, having patience with myself, and understanding that it is one step at a time, and right now the first step is to at least try. It may not have a perfect result; I cannot expect this time to be perfect. But I will try harder this time than I ever have before.
- Continuing to look at fear of oneness and equality / fear of freedom / fear of nothingness/emptiness / fear of not holding onto energy
- Examine "Defensive Hopefulness"
- Examine "Narcissism"
- Detach myself from the outcomes I want to have happen / occur, bring points back to myself, focus on myself, have the absolute integrity for myself, because I realize I falter on this when I expect absolute integrity from others -- I miss points in myself where I do not have integrity
- Understanding my weaknesses as skills that I lack, and supporting myself to learn those skills
- How I have allowed myself to blame others, such as my mom, for my pattern of holding grudges where, in her efforts to protect me, I have interpreted her words as like "permission" to build a grudge, a "I'm right and they're wrong because my mom says so" kind of mentality. I told her this today. It was cool because I know it is one reason I have been mad at her / maintained irritation sometimes, so it was cool just let her know. She had no idea.
- What exactly do I believe I will gain by holding onto a grudge / energy? Or lose by letting go?


There is so much to look at. I can only do so much at a time. One point I looked at in my writing today was time. I will share here:

Once I was advised not to talk to someone while I was in reaction. I am not sure if I will ever be out of reaction completely (at least not any time soon, I mean), and I do think some progress has been made when I have communicated. But I am sure that, right now, I am very, very angry. 

Time. 

It took me 5 years to get over a grudge from college, and even then I wasn't totally over it -- I still had to process it, and then when I extended communication, there will still rumblings of reactivity in my gut. 

I've had an issue with the idea of "time heals all wounds." Time alone? I don't know. Could it be done faster? It seems like it. How fast? Probably not tomorrow. Even if I wrote all day every day, even if I breathed myself in every single breath... I don't know how long it would take to stop this energy completely. 

I mean really actually I think the breath is key there. The writing... that can send me in circles, sometimes, or into a rut. I learn a lot through writing, but it's the living that makes the difference. Writing is invaluable. But breath... breath is IT. I mean if I really breathed myself in awareness in every single breath... I could see that working. I could see myself letting all the energy go. 

But that, of course, is a skill. A very difficult skill to learn. One that might require seclusion and stopping participation in all other activities to learn in a kind of "immersion" style. Which is weird, since I am always breathing. The point here being though that yes, perhaps abandoning all else to focus only on my breathing might result in an ability to release some of this energy. But that is unfortunately not practical for a person who works a full time job and has other obligations. However, obviously, I can always be more aware of my breath. So I will focus on that again, just like the suggestion was once given to me before, to just breathe, when I have been so reactive. Just breathe. 

Is it appropriate to give myself time? Is it appropriate to expect myself to do something I have never done before, the first time? 

Is it appropriate to approach this like practice? 

Is it appropriate to forgive myself even as I go? 

I can't be completely prepared. Can I? 

I can't do this, though, if I am so in the energy. I mean I can't do this, if I am angry for the sake of being angry. If I am angry in reaction to something, then it is a reaction. If I am just angry, it is me, it is a personality, it is who I am being. And I have to shed that before I can not be that.

So I have to come out of the reaction. At least this intense manifestation of it. Somehow. Do I really need this communication I have requested? I don't know. What do I hope to get out of it? How is it supposed to help? My primary goal right now, is to not repeat past mistakes. To not hold onto a grudge for the sake of: a sense of control, a sense of security, a sense of being right, a sense of protection/defensiveness, or fear of nothingness/emptiness. (added to the list above: What exactly do I believe I gain by holding onto a grudge / energy?) My goal is to walk this point differently this time. My goal is to at least try. This is for me, and for all, as what is best for all. But this is not for the other person. If the other person cannot or will not do their side, then I have to do it on my own. It may not be productive to have this conversation. It will not be productive to have it while I am so angry. It will not be productive to have it if I have any semblances of expectation for the other person. I can only have expectations for myself. But right now I am holding on so tightly to anger, for the sake of being angry. For the sake of holding on.

So I will be looking at letting that go. Letting go, and losing it.

Reactive Energy as Me - Day 145

The following was written last night, after Walking Through the Wall - Day 144 and after moving through a very intense anger energy where I again saw how I abandon myself in and separate myself from the energy I create, and in this I have never been able to see myself, understand myself, or really forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in the past as the problem and reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on the past as what happened and who did or said what and pointing fingers and blaming and abdicating responsibility for myself here and now.

I realize I didn't know any better. I realize I only had one guide. But I also realize that was my choice. I could have taken myself into my own hands. All my life I have given myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to give myself over to others, to exist through others.

I also realize I know better now. I realize I have a choice now, and in every moment.

I realize I am in my own hands now. I realize I am my own guide, and I realize I have guides all around me.

I realize the solution is here within and as me, now -- not in the past, not in the reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hit a wall of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reaction and so avoiding the stimuli for reaction, so avoiding communication, avoiding another person to whom I am reacting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the "quick fix" of ignorance, of creating limits, of building walls, of setting rules, of telling myself and the other that I just can't handle the reactions, so just stop, rather than moving boldly and staying with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself when I react.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stay with myself, within myself, with the realization that I am not going to get hurt here. I am safe in myself. But I hurt myself immensely by abandoning myself, by separating myself from my energy as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, so who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself by rejecting and judging the energy I create.

I realize my reaction / energy is a consequence, and it is already here. The energy is here as me, so to resist, suppress, reject, or judge the energy is to do all the same to myself.

I realize I am my reaction. My reaction is me. The energy is me as long as I allow it, and if it is here, then it is in me, it is who I am.

So I realize to ignore the reaction or resist the reaction is to reject and neglect myself. It is self abuse, it is fear-based, it is abdication.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to hold onto myself in intense emotional energy, breathing, being here with myself as I face this energy I have created by what I have accepted and allowed. Facing consequences, being here as myself in my entirety.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to cry, and cradle myself, and embrace myself, and accept myself unconditionally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as what I create in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid stimuli to reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself by not allowing myself to express myself as who I am in the energy I have allowed as myself, by avoiding the stimuli of reaction, thus avoiding the tool by which I can see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame and point my finger at the stimuli, like as if it is bad, rather than seeing that it is a gift to see myself, it is the way I can see myself, without the stimuli I would not see that I am this energy, and I would not be able to direct the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist directing the energy, to  believe that the energy is bigger than me, within this believe that the energy is not-me, believing I am consumed and controlled by the energy, within this then fearing the energy, and fearing myself as the energy, and fearing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become consumed by the energy rather than stopping and breathing and supporting myself here as the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my experience of energy, rather than embracing myself as who I am unconditionally and in my totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should not experience a certain energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist extreme emotions because I have created negative associations with that experience, because I give myself over to the emotions, because I have separated myself from the emotions, and so the moment I enter emotion I automatically abandon myself, and so of course the experience of emotion is scary, of course it is something I would avoid. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative associations with the experience of emotional energy rather than seeing this energy merely as a consequence to who I am as indicative of what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself.

When and as I enter a strong emotion, I stop, and I breathe. I allow the emotion. I see it as myself, I see myself as the emotion, as who I am, as indicative of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I direct myself within and as the energy, but the energy does not direct me. I am the energy. I realize I cannot stop the energy if I do not understand it, I cannot forgive myself if I do not understand myself. I commit myself to understand myself, so that I might actually forgive myself and support myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have not understood myself. I forgive myself that I have not embraced myself. I forgive myself that I have abandoned myself time and again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intense emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught up and lost in emotions, not able to see that it is momentary, temporary, that is not all that I am, only part of who I am, and it is a part of myself I can change, but only if I see it and understand it, so that I can forgive it and change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my emotions, within this wanting to shut others out so that I do not have to experience the emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for the quick fix, the energetic relief, waiting only for the relief from the energy, not realizing this is not stability, this is not real, it is still in me, it is merely dormant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist supporting myself through intense energies or negative energies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that breathing really works, even though I have seen it work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that writing really works, even though I have seen it work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that communicating with myself is useless, that I can only find solutions by communicating with another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take out my emotions on another through blame and anger, only to then realize that through this expression, I have been able to then see myself, and so if I had simply allowed myself to support myself by expressing myself to myself, communicating with myself, then I would not have to regret what I have said to another, I would not be continuing to live in and as reaction, I would not be perpetuating the cycle of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself as reaction, as energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate the cycle. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be with myself and support myself absolutely by myself through intense or negative energies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of crying, or afraid of being angry, to be afraid of screaming or shouting, to be afraid of expressing my emotion as who I am, to be afraid of letting it out, to be afraid of it being real, to be afraid of seeing it, to be afraid of acknowledging it, to be afraid of accepting and allowing it, by which I accept and allow myself, I accept myself as who I am in my totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as my energies because of fear of expressing or manifesting the energy as expression of who I am.

I realize the energy is here. It is the consequence. It is already here. I realize the energy needs an outlet. I realize I cannot do anything about this energy, this time. I realize I can only stop this energy next time if I allow myself to see it and understand it, to really see and understand myself as who I am in this energy, and forgive myself.

I commit myself to breathe. I don't stop. I stay in the energy and I breathe. I see the energy. I allow the energy within the bounds of my own self support, so not projecting the energy onto another, not being directed by the energy, but directing myself within and as the energy, allowing myself to stay here in the energy, the energy with me, myself as the energy, to see myself in my totality, to understand myself. I breathe, and I exist, and I see. I write when I have calmed enough to write. I just start writing. If I have to start by pretending that I am writing to someone else, fine. But I commit myself to write so that I can continue to reinforce for myself that this is how I support myself and it really does work, because here in only a matter of minutes I have gone from crying, screaming, punching, stomping, blaming, to a calmness and new realizations about myself through allowing the emotion as me, staying with myself, breathing and writing.

I breathe. I always breathe. I breathe first and foremost. Breathe.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe / operate as the belief that another has deliberately abused me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another and believe they knew all along what they were doing / the consequences/effects on me. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see another as an equal: in process, learning, walking, making mistakes. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to forgive. How can I forgive? I have to understand. How can I understand? I have to communicate. I have to communicate with myself, and another. It is not one or the other. It is one and equal.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder, "how could you not know, if I knew?" I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to adapt to what I knew as what I saw. Within this I see that I deliberately abused myself by accepting and allowing myself to be abused, to be misled, because I saw it as it happened. I also see and have seen that I have deliberately abused myself and another by not directing myself in self-honesty, because I doubted myself and I trusted another more than myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and ignore my own self honesty because I believed that my self honesty was underdeveloped and I believed this other could only be honest. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself in my transitional period into my participation with desteni, where I trusted another more than I trusted myself. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to listen to myself as what I saw in another that was contradictory or inconsistent, or what I saw that did not "sit right" with me and thus was not self-honest for me, even before I knew what self-honesty was. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by rejecting myself in favor of another. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to favor another over myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hear another's "doctrine" and believe they must live by it, rather than realizing that few people live by what they believe / speak, so why would this be any different? I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to investigate for myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe this person was different. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust this person, be led by this person, and admire this person -- all of this being separation through seeing the other as superior to myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly see myself as better than the other as I saw inconsistencies and contradictions, and yet still allowed myself to follow this other rather than following myself / being my own leader. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust this person as flawless and infallible, thinking and saying "I can count on them to be honest" because they talked so much about self-honesty. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to be honest with myself and trust myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in confusion "because of" interactions with this other person wherein I have felt misled, because this person's words did not match their actions, and yet I perceived them as always right.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to steal away this person's humanity as capable of error.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immortalize this other person, which was unfair to both of us.


I realize I am errant.
I realize another is errant.
I realize we are not perfect.
I realize what I see is who I am as well.
I realize that to which I react, is who I am.
I realize any finger I could point at another, I could also point at myself.


I commit myself to breathing and being in the here and now. I commit myself to communicate with myself and another. I commit myself to understanding in order to forgive.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear freedom and nothingness and emptiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear oneness and equality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear connection, honesty, openness, and vulnerability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel vulnerable in unconditional love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being betrayed. I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself, because it is myself as these energies that I fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having this energy to hold onto anymore. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being boundless and limitless, open, nothing, one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is next. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave myself behind by existing in the past. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to learn. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to change. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to let go and move forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need energy in order to be safe, secure, and stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in this belief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stifle and suffocate myself through and as holding onto and becoming stuck in energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress energies so that they become ingrained in me. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to move through and as energies to release them and let them go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't know how to move forward, that I don't know where to go, within this creating road blocks or contingencies for moving forward, creating walls and excuses and externalized sources onto which I can project blame for my stagnation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is on the other side of the wall.

But time moves forward. So will I.

Filling the Void in Myself with My Breath - Day 131

I've been continuing to struggle a lot with anger and negative emotions, accompanied by self-pity and projection of blame. Most important to curtail here is the projection of blame. It's not like I've just been sitting with myself with my own emotions and supporting myself through those emotions. No, I've been experiencing the emotions and then immediately finding absolutely any excuse or reason I can to blame someone or something else for my emotions, including coming back to the grudge, or allowing thoughts of hopelessness about my job, which, up til this week, I was really enjoying.

But I can't allow it. I won't.

Today... I didn't focus on my breath. Not a lot, anyway. But this morning on my way to work, I did take a deep breath. And in that breath I remembered my breath. I mean I remembered my breath as me, and as a tool to support me. I was able to assist myself out of a lot of the negative energy and anger and blame through and as my breath. It didn't last all day, this increased awareness of myself as my breath. But today was a lot better than yesterday and the day before. And now I can reflect on a big part of why: My breath. And I can reflect on how I can support myself tomorrow: My breath. Always my breath.

In my last post I had mentioned how I had found some relief / respite, and a way to break down the wall in a way. And I had mentioned how soon after that relief, I felt emptiness, and then fear, and then the fear led to the creation of more anger and negative energy. I didn't know what to do with the empty space. I [thought I] needed something to hold onto.

So now I hold onto my breath, myself as my breath.

And I mean, I really am my breath, right? So to fill the void, fill the emptiness, fill myself up with my breath, is filling myself up with myself. Is embodying myself. Is being here with and as myself, in the physical. I mean we "know" this, but I rarely live it. That is what I am here to teach myself to do (like actually DO, not just "know" -- this is applied learning!), and what I learn from everyone else involved in this group all the time.

So, my breath. My breath, myself as my breath, filling myself up with my breath, thus filling myself up with myself... That is how I show up for myself. That is how I do not abandon myself in, to, and as negative energy, thoughts, judgments, etc. Because that is precisely what I have been doing -- abandoning myself and all as LIFE, by existing within and as my mind consciousness systems of anger and negative energetic experiences.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself and all as life, as one and equal as life, as what is here in the physical, by engaging in and entertaining mind energy, especially in this case anger, resentment, projection of blame, and other negative energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative energetic experiences for myself, experiences which I do not enjoy, and yet I do not relent, and I have not assisted or supported myself to release myself of the grasp of these energetic experiences.

I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to truly assist and support myself out of the negative energies, instead holding on tightly to them, as they hold on tightly to me, not realizing that within this I am abandoning myself and giving myself over to the false constructions of my mind as energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fully utilize my breath as the one and only truly necessary step to being here in the physical within and as myself as life, supporting myself to align myself within principles of equality and oneness and what is best for all through existing here as my breath in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embody myself as my breath in the physical so that without holding onto mind energy experiences, I feel empty, because I have not realized myself as here in my human physical body, always here, breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am empty and I have nothing if I do not have my anger and resentment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and nurture an affinity toward energetic experiences, especially negative ones, so as to "fill myself up" and give myself "meaning" and "definition."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to define myself as my breath, as life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand, until now, that whatever emptiness I believe I feel within myself, only I can fill, and it can only truly be filled by me, as my breath, in the here and now, in the physical, as life.

When and as I see myself feeling empty, as nothing, or hollow, I stop, and I breathe. I take a deep slow breath, in and out, and again. I fill myself with my breath. I realize that emptiness and nothingness is who I am as life, as a physical being, and so in this moment I continue to breathe, and I breathe until I am stable in nothingness. I continue this process until I am stable in nothingness, until I have released myself of all the energy I have created and hoarded and held onto.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always search for blame in someone or something else for why I feel the way I do, ie who I am accepting and allowing myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an even greater buffer between myself and my Self by first engaging in emotional energy, and then by creating the separation of projected blame. I commit myself to stop the blame.

When and as I see myself projecting blame or coming up with reasons or excuses or blaming another for who I am and how I feel, I stop and I breathe. I breathe deeply and slowly. I realize that I am creating my experience of myself and I am creating myself in every moment. I commit myself to creating myself as my breath in self honesty, self responsibility, and self support, as one, as equal, as life, as what is best for all.

Emotions, Responsibility, and Actual Forgiveness - Day 114

I'd been given an "assignment" so to speak to just breathe and slow myself down for about the last week.

I can't say it's been as deliberate a practice as I'd have liked, but that's okay -- it's a constant ongoing skill to learn and develop. I can say though that being given such a simple assignment as this as a practical and realistic step to assist and support myself helped me release some of the self judgment I'd been creating about what I do or do not or should or should not be doing all at once -- expectations I'd created about doing things, walking process, facing a particular point, a certain particular way.

And even though I was not totally aware of myself breathing at all times or totally aware of myself slowing down at all times during the last week, the mere fact that I did not have in my mind some standard or expectation for myself beyond these two things meant that I was not pushing myself forward as fast as I might normally, and I was not losing my breath as much by going into those judgments and expectations. So I was better able to stay here in each moment.

And the main thing that I have learned in this past week that has already supported me the next time it came around, which was last night, was to see how easy it is for me (and actually I have known this for many years, but have thought it is just "how I am" immutably, not something that I have any control over) to get really tripped up on, stuck in, and locked into emotional experiences. I mean the back chat is just so constant and so convincing, absolutely everything within an emotional experience directs me to stay there, or go further in, to become the victim, to be SO ANGRY, to blame, to get tied up in wanting consequences for others (or myself, depending on the situation), etc. etc. To be completely NOT HERE within an emotional experience.

So I saw that happening again last night as I reacted to something. I started with all this back chat, things I wanted to say, things I really believed. It feels like standing up for myself. It feels like having a back bone. But it isn't. It's actually a complete denial and rejection of myself. Because I am here, and I am life. And any denigration of another is a denigration of myself. And to not take responsibility for myself is the same as not supporting myself, because within this I am not honest with myself, and as such I am lying to, deceiving, manipulating, and abusing myself.

(And let's note here how cool this is! Earlier this week I was in the absolute midst of an emotional storm without awareness that it was a reaction, within belief that it was reality and true and an accurate representation of my physical experience. This time, rather than re-entering that same emotional energy, I was able to stop myself and at the very least see that it was a reaction, an experience of my own making.)

So self responsibility must be unconditional and absolute. In some ways, self responsibility is the same as self honesty is the same as self support. It's all one when applied.


It's a difficult point to navigate, to be sure: forgiveness of another. My tendency in my life, besides becoming very caught up in emotional turmoil and using it to justify my behavior and rage, has also always been to cut people off and build walls. So it's a really fine line for me, really fuzzy, between coming back to and focusing on myself, and cutting someone off. To come back to myself without at the same time saying / energetically participating as the thought, "Fine, I don't need you anyway, you're nothing to me," or to come back to myself without at the same time doing so as a way of retreating and evading, like as if evading a battle, wherein there are still sides and separation and judgment and blame. But neither is self-honest and neither is true self responsibility or self support -- it is simply a way to cope within and as my mind, still accepting and allowing the judgment and anger that I am trying to forgive.

It would be a lot easier for me to focus on myself if the person to whom I am reacting, the trigger, or the stimulus, wasn't in the picture. It's also easier on my ego, although that's not really the point, but is still a point to consider -- to not have to face another while feeling like / thinking / believing that another is also facing, watching me (which actually reopens a point I wrote on a couple weeks ago in private that I'd like to edit for easier / more appropriate / less specific sharing, perhaps at another time).


So I really have to do some actual re-prioritization within myself. Not within my schedule, but within myself, and this process, and who I am. Am I my own priority? Am I here for myself? Why? What does that look like? Can I let go of all those memories I'm holding onto that trigger emotional reactions that take me away from myself, away from here, away from self honest self responsibility and self support?

---

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the way I can or do support myself, judging always that I should be doing "more" that I should be taking on "more" and that I should be able to handle "more," not seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is me complicating matters and moving away from the simplicity that is my breath and awareness in every moment as the only absolute constant way to support myself.



Emotional Energetic Experience dimension:

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to, upon entering an emotional energetic experience, or when and as I see that I am within an emotional energetic experience, stop and breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotional energetic experience through my participation in the generation and maintenance and justification of back chat, judgment, blame, anger, resentment, and self victimization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck there, and to hold myself captive there within that experience, like luring myself into a prison and locking myself up there and not telling myself that I have the key or revealing to myself that I am the one who put myself in there in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to believe that I can be deceived by others and that others can manipulate me in general, an experience / perception to which I often react in emotional energetic experience, not seeing, realizing, or understanding how the process by which I participate in and maintain an emotional energetic experience is me deceiving and manipulating myself.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to blame others not only for my immediate reactions to them, but also then for the continuation, growth, and sustenance of the virus that is my emotional energetic experience, wherein I do not see realize or understand that I am the person who has accepted and allowed this experience within and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be honest with myself, not choosing to listen to myself in self honesty, instead listening to the voices in my head which are deceptive, self interested, egotistical, manipulative, arrogant, and only exist so as to entice me willingly into and as my mind experiences, fantasies, imaginations, and energetic reactions.

I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to really listen to myself, and also for not accepting or allowing myself to refine for myself who I am within self honesty so that I can tell more easily what is self honest and what is self manipulation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself as life as my human physical body and as myself through and as my mind as my willing participation in aiding and abetting the deception and manipulation within my mind, wherein I allow myself to become caught up in and locked into the emotional energetic experience as created through my mind, allowing myself thus to validate and justify this experience as real.


Self Responsibility dimension:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself within the thought / feeling that validating my own emotional energetic experiences is akin to "standing up for myself" or "having a back bone."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse self support with self survival.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take absolute and unconditional responsibility for myself, always turning all points back to myself because I am the catalyst for all that comes out of me, I am the origin and source of myself, I am the creator of myself, and also because I can only take responsibility for myself, and as such trying to take responsibility for another is a waste of myself, is not self honest, and is not self supportive.


Forgiveness dimension:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist forgiving another because I want to see another suffer or be punished or face consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so invested in and attached to retribution that I wish to by my own hand distribute consequences if this is seen as "necessary," doing so through engaging in manipulative tactics in order to have my will be done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only thus be looking and focusing my awareness outside myself, but also then moving outside myself, moving from a self dishonest starting point of trying to manifest consequences for another.

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts, judgments, and blame about another person and what I perceive as what they do or do not need to do, or should or should not have done, I stop and I breathe. I turn the points back to myself. What does it look like if I change the structure of the point to myself as the source? Can I see in myself that same point? Can I see in myself that same behavior? And, does it even matter? What can I control, for whom can I take responsibility? Only myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a pattern within myself of holding grudges or reacting in polarity wherein first I "like" another person but then I want to reject another person if/when I perceive that that person does not "like" me as a protective and defensive measure wherein I tell myself "I don't need them" or "they're nothing to me" or "they don't matter anyway."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself also to want to evade and hide during conflict so that in an effort to turn points back to myself and take responsibility for myself within my reactions, I confuse this with evading the other person and the situation, because these seem to look very similar although the starting points are very different.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to fear turning points back to myself and supporting myself because I fear that I will not be able to delineate between self honest self support and self deceptive evasion or rejection techniques which I have in the past used to support myself only as my ego, protecting my ego, as a coping mechanism as my reaction to conflict in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and recognize a "thin, fuzzy line" and so to fear that I cannot actually see that line and I cannot actually direct myself within self honesty to always ensure that my starting point in who I am is self honest and is from the starting point of self support and self responsibility, instead fearing that "the line is thin and fuzzy, so inevitably I will cross it, so it is best if I just do not go over there."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to limit myself from actual self support in self honesty and self responsibility because I have identified a "problem" but have refused to walk a solution.

So I commit myself to self awareness in self honesty and self responsibility in every moment in differentiating between the sides of this thin fuzzy line and determining for myself if my starting point in who I am is self honest.


Creation of a Grudge dimension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to cut another person "out of the picture" in order to deal with my reactions to / toward / about that person, because I see this as "easier" and also I see that I do not want to have to take full responsibility for myself within my present or future interactions, but instead feel ashamed / embarrassed about that which I have already seen in myself that I have not yet taken responsibility for, and also see that I am still reactive and pointing fingers in some other areas, and so to me it seems easier to just cut that person out, let that person go, sort it out, and try better next time, where next time might mean with a completely different person, so that within this the effectual result is yet another grudge, another hiding of myself, another running away and evasion of a "problem" so that I do not have to face myself as the other person to whom I am reacting.

Nonetheless I commit myself to give myself the time and space to support myself, yet again still always walking that fine line between self honesty and self deception, where external results may look the same, and so only I can know my starting point and only I can know if I am being self honest in who I am and the decisions I make. I commit myself to listening to what I communicate to myself as what I need in order to best support myself to really actually changing myself, wherein self change is the goal, and within self change I should thus then be able to face another person without reaction, and so therefore I commit myself to keeping this "in mind" within the understanding that if I do not change, I have not supported myself, and that I can tell if I have changed if/when/as I am able to face another without reaction.


Priorities:

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to make this process really absolutely unconditionally about myself. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to make my starting point from the start, myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk so many points with a self dishonest starting point, with ulterior motives, with thoughts and back chat and judgments always going through my mind all along. I forgive myself for this. I do not hold it against myself. I realize too that I am here now. Up until now is what has gotten me here. I would not be here if it were not for there, for then. I commit myself from here onward to make this process completely absolutely unconditionally about myself in self honesty, self support, and self responsibility, as one with and equal to all as life, as becoming this principle, as directing myself to be a living example and expression of what is best for all. A journey indeed!

SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112

This post contains some perhaps seemingly disjointed self forgiveness in response to a post I made on the forum. This is a partial post of going through and applying self forgiveness just on one portion of what I learned through this forum thread, thanks to the support of my peers (specifically Carrie for this portion).


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of myself within the midst of an emotional storm. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am the eye/I of the storm -- the storm is me, and within this I can be calm, within this eye can see. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really just stop and breathe in an emotional storm, but to instead remain in the frenetic mind energy, the electricity and static of the storm, pulled out into the body of the tornado. Within this thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as beliefs that I am helpless, powerless, and incapable within this emotional experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that I cannot see myself or gauge myself as my own reference point for who I am, because I have basically let myself go and abandoned myself within the emotion, surrendering completely to the winds of the storm, and believing that it is beyond myself to end this storm, that I am in need of outside intervention or validation or sympathy, rather than realizing that I am responsible for myself and all that I am, and I can stop.

When and as I see myself existing in a state of extreme emotional turmoil, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that these emotions have been created and activated through my participation within and as my mind. So here my focus and commitment is to really just stop, and breathe, and continue this until I am stable, back here with myself in and as the physical.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate pretty much everything through back chat, but, what if, ambivalence, judgment, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in so many facets of myself as my mind all at once, conflicting, vacillating, thus being very unsure. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to simplify what I see as myself, narrowing in on and refining the actual point, and seeing in simplicity what must be done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to add so many unnecessary complications through self doubt and self judgment.

When and as I see myself complicating matters through and as my mind, I stop and I breathe. Again here my primary commitment is to simply stop, breathe, and come back to myself as the physical, out of my mind through and as my breath. I realize that it is within this tendency to over-complicate that I overwhelm myself, thus very clearly creating the experience of overwhelmingness. I realize thus that this is a mechanism to keep me entrapped within and as my mind, as my belief that I am incapable of walking out, "it is too hard, it is too complicated, there is too much." I commit myself to ask questions of myself, pointed questions, to find the point of what I am seeing, and face that point, one point at a time. I commit myself to fine tuning my ability to simplify and assess "the point" within an experience through looking at the complications and asking myself what of all of this is really self honest, and eliminating/walking through what is self dishonest, then seeing what is left. I commit myself to the realization that the simplest answer is usually the right one, and that this really isn't a complicated process, it is simply myself as the mind which complicates it.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that the process I am walking is lifelong. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that this is a race. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I should be" at a certain point at any given moment, believing that I should be anywhere other than exactly where I am, because here I am, I am here, and anywhere else is leaving and abandoning myself, rejecting myself, denying and disowning myself, not showing up here to be within and as myself in self support and self honesty and self responsibility.

When and as I see myself engaging within and as a belief about where I shouldn't or shouldn't be, or who I should or shouldn't be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am right here, right now. I realize that this is where the next step is, this is where the next point is, here where I am now. I realize that there is nowhere else even to go, except always here, always now. So I commit myself to releasing myself from these judgments -- they do not support me -- and realigning myself within and as the physical as this moment I am in right now, as what is in front of me in this moment.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really listen to myself as what I need or want for myself to take care of myself, but instead always doubting myself and questioning my "wants/needs" where at first I questioned these because I saw them as always being projected outward as "wanting" or "needing" something from another and so I judged this as "wrong," judged therefore that "wanting" and "needing" something is "wrong," not realizing that having "wants" and "needs" is valid, and I can give to myself that which I "want" and "need" -- I do not need to seek it from another. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see how if I do not listen to myself as my "wants" and "needs," I will never change, because I will maintain exactly who I am in this moment, believing I should not "want" or "need" anything. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically reject and deny myself of my own wants/needs and judging them and myself as wrong for existing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misunderstand this point, not allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am communicating with myself within my wants and needs, that this communication is valid, it's just that it's directed at me, not another. So I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I communicate with myself every day -- I just listen selectively based on my self judgments and self doubts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect myself within this misunderstanding, wherein I did not consider that this might be the case, that my wants/needs are valid, but that I am the one who is here to fulfill them, and I did not consider that I might actually NEED to listen to myself, to give to myself first my own listening, and then that which I want/need. I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to listen to myself as what I am communicating to myself daily as my wants/needs for myself. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see how I can support myself through my own wants/needs. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself so thoroughly that I have denied my own wants/needs as valid, wherein I have thought I should not want or need anything, I should be okay "as is" -- which inevitably also means remaining unchanged. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore what I am communicating to myself, not even realizing or understanding that I am communicating to myself, that my "cries for help" are directed at myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I say I want to build a supportive relationship with myself = this takes communication with myself, and listening to myself. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss this integral piece of a relationship/agreement with myself, which is to communicate effectively with and listen to myself, and gift myself with actually supporting myself through that which is communicated as what I want or need for myself.

So when and as I see myself second-guessing or doubting myself, I stop and I breathe. I assess whether or not what I am communicating to myself is self-honest to the best of my abilities. I realize it is not the end of the world if I don't assess this accurately. I realize that this takes some trial and error to figure out and test what is really self honest and how I can trust myself, and learn how to listen to and understand myself. I realize that I do not really know myself, and getting to know someone takes time and patience, and also not giving up, not shutting out. I realize that it is better that I listen to myself in self honesty than that I shut myself out in fear that I am making a mistake or am somehow wrong within my wants/needs. I also realize that the belief/fear that I am wrong within my wants/needs is a self-judgment, and it does not support me, and so by moving myself by my self-judgments and fears, I am not supporting myself, thus neglecting myself, thus abusing myself, thus abusing life. So I commit myself to considering myself in self honesty, separate from all that I have perceived and internalized as being "right" or "wrong," because here I see I have integrated and internalized and adopted some information inaccurately with some misunderstanding. So I trust mySELF, not what I believe I have learned. I come back too to the realization that self support is primary, that I cannot do anything if I do not support myself, and I am the best, indeed only, person to know what I want/need to support myself. So I commit myself to actually listening to myself, or learning to do this, and adapting my behavior to support myself as applying what I communicate to myself in self honesty and self responsibility.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out "permission" from others or to use others as a reference point for who/how I should be, taking cues from others and then directing myself in alignment with my perception of those cues, where here I also project my own self judgments and blame and beliefs into these perceptions of who/how others are as my reference point, so that I am not even really following the suggestions of who/how others are and adapting/applying to myself in self honest consideration / interpretation / adaptation, but am mixing that perception with judgment and beliefs, so further entrapping myself in my mind as my self doubt and self judgments, allowing my mind to interpret what I see however I as my mind sees fit in order to keep me participating in my mind and keep me stuck, and within the projection of judgments and beliefs also projecting blame, so that as I apply what I believe I am observing in another, and if that application seems to not work out well, I allow myself the space to blame the other, the person I observed or read or heard, because I believe that they misinformed me, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding how I impressed my own self judgments and beliefs onto the whole dynamic of adoption, adaptation, and application, not seeing, realizing, or understanding that I did not stand stable as one whole within myself in my observation, but that instead I believed I had to be like this person, and I believed I had to behave in a way that this person would approve of, a process which in and of itself is not self honest, opening thus the pathways for transferring blame. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see others as who/how they are simply as other individuals from which I might learn and gain new perspectives which may or may not apply to me readily, and also see myself as who/how I am simply as myself, also self directive within this, and within this to cooperate with myself in cooperating with others to find solutions that are best for me and therefore best for all.

When and as I see myself seeking permission from others for who I am or how I might want to change, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it really doesn't matter if another person thinks my idea is great, because here my starting point is not self honest. I realize that moving myself by what I perceive as being what others want or encourage me to be, is not self honest, and sets me up to not be accountable unto myself, but to instead transfer blame for who I accept and allow myself to be onto another, believing that they misinformed or misled me, believing that they should have been more careful with the example they set, not seeing, realizing, or understanding that no other person besides myself allowed myself to integrate that "example" as what I perceived / interpreted into and as myself as my living application or process. I commit myself to always absolutely returning all points back to myself, including thus my starting point, realizing that I am always the person who moves myself, no other, and so however I move myself is my responsibility, and so in order to take responsibility for myself in every moment, to move myself responsibly, I must start with myself, moving from within and as myself.


I forgive myself for never accepting or allowing myself to really listen to myself within this process, wherein I have for example known that I have at times wanted or needed to apply more studying of desteni material as a priority above daily writing in my blog, or otherwise re-prioritize my daily living time, but have not followed through on this because I have not listened to this communication of myself to myself, instead wishing/waiting for someone else to tell me this is a good idea, thus myself not believing in or trusting myself to make my own decisions about my own direction within my process. I also thus forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still continue to engage within and as my ego as I walk this process, wanting to always be here every day writing a blog so that other people can see that I am consistent and so that I can continue to maintain beliefs about myself as my ego, making my writing process thus about maintaining my ego, even as I try to dissect it and break it down. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore not really actually support myself in my process because I have not listened to myself as the ways I have wanted/needed support, where to me it has actually been important to prioritize for myself increased integration of the support available already online through eqafe, the forum, and reading others' blogs.

Thus I commit myself to letting go of my expectation of myself to write every day. I commit myself to writing when and as I want/need to write, as I communicate and listen to myself. I commit myself still to spending time each day supporting and developing and expanding myself, a process which is walked in every moment, but I commit myself to setting aside moments each day specifically for educating myself through the desteni material, writing out points when and as I face them, and sharing in my blog when and as I see fit. I commit myself to taking control of my process as who I am, directing myself in self honesty, instead of directing myself as judgments, beliefs, and expectations.


I commit myself to really walking this process for myself, as myself, and by myself.