Boundaries and Control - Day 164

Last night I had a dream wherein I somehow came to reconcile with an old friend from college. I guess this was one of my first really big friendship grudges. There were others, but this one was big.

The dream was quite a few hours ago and I don't remember a lot of it now, but I remember that when I woke up right after, I knew I was telling myself something.

I remember that within the dream, although this person and I reconciled, I was placing clear boundaries for myself in the relationship. Basically, okay, we're not "enemies." But I don't know if we're really close friends either. I didn't want that. Actually I think within the dream it had to do with "we can be friends again, but I don't want to live together again" (we had been roommates in the dorms).

And then I think at some point in the dream I came home, which I guess was also her home at that point, and she was doing something that I didn't like, and then in the dream I stopped and realized that this is also her home, and she can do whatever she wants here.

I guess part of what this dream brings forth in what I can remember of it is: boundaries and control.

Without proper boundaries, I feel very out of control and then try to assert control through my emotions and reactions.

With having placed the boundary in the dream (a little confusing to think back on it because the dream is so fuzzy to me now), I was able to let go of the need for control over another person and simply have control over myself. I was able to realize that in a situation where I didn't like something, I am the subject and the doer in that sentence, so I am the person that I need to deal with to resolve that issue.

Boundaries is something I've been grappling with for a few weeks or months now. I've only recently begun to understand them and understand how I can support myself within them. Basically my perspective is that a boundary is an agreement with myself. That's all, plain and simple.

Control is something that I've been realizing I only have if I am not trying to control something outside of myself. The moment I try to control something outside of myself is the moment I lose all control, which of course perpetuates the experience of trying to gain control of my environment if I have not yet realized that the only thing I can control is myself. Trying to control is to be out of control. Actual control is to just be with what is, within the boundaries as agreements that I set for myself in self support and self responsibility.

So I see how these are two key features of all my failed relationships with others and failure to sustain a trusting loving relationship with myself.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to set healthy boundaries for myself within friendships and relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me in such a way that is detrimental to the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also react to the things that other people choose to do that do affect me in such a way that is detrimental and ineffective, making the other person feel like I am limiting them and like I am manipulating them because that is the reaction I am having within my sense of being out of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when things that I cannot control happen.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize healthy ways to communicate my needs so that other people can potentially make choices that will serve as a compromise and agreement for both of us within a shared living space or within a friendship or relationship (example: instead of sitting up in bed and making some snarky comment about how I'm trying to sleep, I could have had a calm and collected conversation with my roommate about please not having sex with her 2nd boyfriend that her 1st boyfriend doesn't know about while I am in the room).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my emotional reactions as manipulation to try and control other people because this was the only tool I learned how to use in many instances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to and try to control other people in ways that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when other people are simply living their lives the way that they want to.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place boundaries for myself when I see that the things I cannot control are not things that I want to accept or allow myself to be around or impose upon myself (example: instead of staying in a harmful friendship too long, I can first communicate why I dislike the way another person treats me and then, if it does not change, go elsewhere, rather than holding onto that friendship as a confirmation of my belief that it is what I am worth and that the only way to prove to myself that I am more valuable is to stick it out in the hopes that I can change this person or convince them to treat me better).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self worth and my quality of life outside myself into the hands of others so that because of this I have felt like their choices, actions, behaviors, etc., are direct reflections of who I am, and so therefore I want to control them to create a picture of myself that I can live with through others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself and others as life through this dynamic such that then if the other person does not bend at my will and be "a good friend" to me, I am able to then create a superiority complex for myself while at the same time continuing to live under the premise that who they are is a reflection of me, so that within myself I feel both superior and better-than and also inferior and worthless.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand how what these other people have reflected to me in these instances is my self imposed need for control which is in fact unnecessary, within this showing me how I have not taken responsibility for myself in having control over myself and in making choices and decisions for myself to support myself, instead depending on others to stay within some kind of undefined imaginary boundary that I am not even fully aware of, let alone them. Also how I have not been a good friend to myself or to others, how I have not created boundaries for myself to assist and support myself in choosing healthy friendships and how I have not accepted myself as who I am, instead needing others to show me who I am through who they are through again my perception of them, a perception which is sick and toxic because I have not been self honest, self responsible, or self supportive.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place healthy boundaries for myself of how I will respond in any given situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful situations for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful friendships for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold out and hold onto the hope that another person might be able to change and be the person I wanted them to be.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to accept other people for exactly who they are, and then direct myself accordingly, according to who I am and what I need in self support, instead trying to change other people to meet my needs for support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unclear and unmarked boundaries so that really the only boundary that has been in place has been my reactive emotions which of course is not consistent and is pretty nonsensical within the physical because my reactive emotions are based on all my many memories and beliefs and other internal mind things that other people do not share with me because they do not share my specific experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within this often make many friendships all about me in some ways because here I am delineating the appearance of the relationship based on my shit that I carry around as memories and reactions and beliefs.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and realize what is mine and what is another's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to take care of what is another person's business, leaving my own business to rot or fester or grow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am so worthless and so untrustworthy and to doubt myself so much that if, when, and as I see a boundary that needs to be set, I feel like I have to justify it or explain it with emotional reactivity or some kind of impending danger rather than simply seeing, realizing, and understanding that this boundary is what is best for me and letting that be enough.



I commit myself to continue to look at boundaries and setting clear boundaries for myself, which, depending on different factors, may be malleable within a moment of experience in the physical in practical consideration of what is best (so, not setting rigid rules).

I commit myself to continue to look at how I use my emotions, especially anger, to try and control outcomes.

I commit myself also to looking at how I use my emotions to justify my boundaries when really all I need is to set a boundary for myself and live by it. I do not have to explain myself; the boundary is mine.