Indecision and Self-Trust - Day 52

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create within and as my mind within and as my imagination an ideal image of what my job would be like.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the thought/belief/statement that this is "the perfect job."

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to wait and see what the job was like in the moment of experience in the physical.

So now:

I commit myself to maintain a "level head" about my new-new job to where I am not predicting it will be anything other than what it is. I commit myself to prepare myself within and as myself as who I am and within my work ethic and my ability to take responsibility for myself as myself as one as equal.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as an ambivalence to where even though I have been offered a great job, I do not want to close the door on my other job offer. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to increase the value of Job A after I have received an offer for Job B, whereas before the offer for Job B I had a lot of reservations about Job A.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel bad" for turning down Job A just because they have been so welcoming and so clearly want me to work for them and were a "fun bunch." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become attached to these irrelevant "facts" about Job A, wherein these "facts" are actually based on my memory of my interpretation of one experience with these people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to close a door. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to walk through one door because it means I have to close another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand still rather than walk, to stagnate rather than move.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to fully see, realize, and understand how I truly make a decision in every moment in every breath: every moment and every breath IS a decision, of who I am, of who I will be, of what I will do, of what I will accept and allow myself to think or feel. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to bridge the gap between the moment-by-moment breath-by-breath decisions that I make and the other decisions which I imagine as monumental and imp[o/a]ssible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a "right" choice here and that one choice is "wrong" and another is "right" and that within this actually both choices mean THE END wherein with one choice it is like a disastrous end and with another choice within my mind it's like the end of struggling and not always enjoying work and all of that. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive decisions as end-points wherein with the "wrong" choice I imagine absolute misery and with the "right" choice I imagine absolute bliss, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that within every moment I make choices and within every choice I continue to live through more moments and that every moment is whatever it is and that life goes on regardless of my choices and I will have more choices still and I choose who I am in every moment regardless of my circumstances.

This is a strange dimension of my mind-relationship with decisions/choices. This strange sense that whatever decision I make is somehow the end of... control. Maybe this is part of why I so fear/resist making decisions:

• Fear of no more decisions and thus no more opportunities to direct myself/control my life. 
• So it's like I think that life stops after a decision comes into effect. Like from the point of that decision onward I will just be automatically existing without directing myself? I will be victim to and completely at the mercy of the circumstances of my decision. Decision is death. 
• But holy crap no! Decision is LIFE. The ability to direct myself, to make a decision within, for, as, and by myself, is LIVING!! It is indecision which is death. And I have known this for YEARS, I even wrote about this on my myspace blog in high school, hahah!! Yet here it is still a struggle to see, realize, and understand. 
• So I place a LOT of weight on each decision like it's an all/nothing absolutely all encompassing self-direction where I am going down that track and no other track and that is my choice and there is no going back or changing my mind... 
• Very limiting, constraining, containing, suffocating. 
• I build up a ton of energy up to the point of decision where I realized last time I wrote about this that, in making a decision, I have to relinquish all of that energy, to where I am just left with whatever is in the here & now, which as far as my mind is concerned within what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself, is not a good thing. Being, here, now = scary. 

Okay, just started memory section of DIP Lite... Are there any memories attached to decision making that could be fueling this anxiety/fear/ambivalence/etc.? 

What first comes to mind is the decisions I made in my education where I was allowed to choose my jr high and high schools and how I regretted those decisions as not actually being best for me, and within this I've been mad at myself for who I was within those educational programs wherein I did not direct myself to take my education seriously but went through school very passively, feeling satisfied as long as I had good grades.  So I accepted and allowed myself to be passive in my education after making those decisions, and then blamed the decisions themselves for who I was, as if I had no control over my education beyond the point of the decision of which school to attend. 

I have also experienced/participated in a lot of regret regarding my decision to move from Denver back to Sacramento. But I was "indecisive" even before then... although that transition probably has increased my experience of myself as "indecisive." 

I think another big part of the fear I have in decision making is that I am solely responsible for my decisions. I both create and face the consequences within my decisions. So through desteni and my JTL process I am learning about being responsible in all decisions in every moment, how every moment is a decision point of deciding who I will be in that moment and how I will direct myself. I am learning to direct myself on the moment-to-moment level. So here I can also expand to directing myself in larger-scale decisions that affect me beyond just that moment (although it could be argued every decision affects me/others beyond just that moment). 

So then here again is the fear of making a mistake, of facing consequences, and of having to answer for those consequences. Answer to whom? Myself, I guess. Well I am learning to be able to do that every day here in my writing, where I have a look at myself and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, and I answer to myself.

So I am already developing the tools every day to face regret and face fear and face myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, as what I have accepted and allowed within my life. And I have already opened up points on making mistakes and one what a mistake is and how to support myself within mistakes. 

So... 
I can trust myself. 

This is huge. 52 days ago I declared loudly and in distress that I could not trust myself, I had no idea where to start with trusting myself. I began a series on building self-support and I sought out assistance on the forum and I supported myself through my writing and my DIP Lite lessons... and now I know I can trust myself in each moment within and as my breath in self-honesty and self-responsibility and self-support! 

Learn to trust yourself and learn how to live here: 

Desteni I Process Lite


Relevant past posts:
Supporting Myself to Make a Decision - Day 27 pt. 1

Intimidation in Education - Day 35

Tonight I attended an open house for some various graduate programs in a professional school of psychology. I noticed a few things come up for me within this, primarily an interesting interaction within and as intimidation.

I noticed first during the tour of the "campus" (which was not a campus, haha, just a floor in an office building), when we were in the library, and the admissions counselor pointed out all of the dissertations of previous graduates and all of the research of faculty: I felt intimidated. I thought: "that's right, now I remember why I haven't looked seriously at graduate school recently" and within this I saw that I believed I could not participate in meaningful research and that I could not productively and effectively communicate my findings within research, and within this I saw that I believed that I was not smart, did not have good ideas, was not good enough / other people are better so I might as well just not try, etc. I didn't see all of this right away, of course. Mostly at this point I was just seeing the thoughts within myself, not so much the beliefs behind them. 

Then a little later we were listening to the director of the PsyD clinical psychology program and he was listing the components of the program, one of which is of course research. I was taking notes and when I wrote out "research" I noticed that I felt a little excited at the possibilities, the potential to explore and investigate ideas, the potential to discover something new or contribute something meaningful. So here in this instance I was approaching the word "research" in a much more positive way, to where it really kind of "turned me on" and made me feel open and unlimited within possibilities. 

So at this point it was very easy to notice the stark difference in these two reactions, where within one I felt intimidated and within another I felt inspired. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not capable of pursuing a doctoral degree. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not capable of contributing something meaningful to a field of research and practice. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by, within, and as my energetic experiences of intimidation and fear, wherein I limit myself and my potential and shy away from opportunities. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret the extent of my potential from the basis of what I have already achieved, within which I have already limited myself, and therefore I participate in a cyclical understanding of myself wherein I often limit myself by believing I cannot do something if I have never done it, or something similar, before. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated and "confused" at times during my undergraduate studies to the point that I would do just enough to get good grades but in fact did not learn as much as my grades reflected and did not take advantage of the many opportunities I was afforded by attending a large research university. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my grades rather than myself as the measurement of what I have learned. Even when I did not get good grades, I blamed this on a difficulty with test-taking rather than a flag-point for my learning or my study skills. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim that I am "confused" by something as an excuse or justification for feeling intimidated to where rather than trying to see what it is by which I am confused, I give up and/or feign my understanding. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my education, not address and face times when I have felt confused as opportunities and flag-points to push myself to understand and to learn and have instead just assumed that I am not smart or that I cannot understand.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build a shoddy foundation within my education to where when and as I saw myself feeling confused, I feigned understanding to the point that I was able to get good grades but not able to provide myself with a foundation for further learning of more advanced concepts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my educational choices back to as early as 7th grade when I chose to go to a particular school and "my mom let me" and therefore it is her fault. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am incapable of doing something to which I aspire. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "others are better than I am" and therefore I should not try. That's a big one to come back to in many forms: jealousy, inferiority, intimidation, etc. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for an easy path or course for myself to get by and to make enough money, like getting good enough grades, without actually contributing to my growth so that within this lack of trying I do not have to face failure. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in fact fail by not trying. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss so many opportunities within my educational, career-related, and personal growth. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times become "hung up" on these missed opportunities to where I regret them and believe that there is no decision or way to direct myself now to "make up for" these missed opportunities. Within this I miss even more opportunities, the opportunities that are in every moment with every breath. I forgive myself for missing those, and I commit myself to, when and as I see myself regretting missed opportunities: stop, breathe, and see how each breath is a new opportunity, and to take at the very least the opportunity to release myself from regret, then go from there. 

When and as I see myself participating within and as an energetic experience of "intimidation" or "confusion" when facing a challenge, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within these experiences I am telling myself non supportive thoughts and reinforcing negative beliefs about myself and my capacities. I realize that I am running the risk of using these experiences as excuses to limit myself if I do not stop, breathe, and commit myself to pushing myself through intimidation to where I test my own capacity and see for myself as myself of what I am capable, and pushing myself toward the topics of my confusion to where I can see and understand them by myself or with assistance. I commit myself to stop limiting myself by, through, within, and as my beliefs about myself. 

"Argue for your limitations, and, sure enough, they're yours."

- Richard Bach

Did I Make that Decision, or Was that Decision Made for Me? - Day 28

This post is a continuation of two posts from yesterday:
Supporting Myself to Make a Decision - Day 27 pt. 1
Trying, Really Trying, to Support Myself to Make a Decision... - Day 27 pt. 2

So here's basically how it went down:
I ended my last blog post pretty dissatisfied. It was disjointed and unorganized as far as I'm concerned, but I saw that I was lacking a conclusion and I saw that my best course of action then was to prepare myself to go to work today, as my decision did not need to be made/delivered until after work today. So I published, and got ready for bed. At this point I was making justifications and excuses for why it made the most sense to quit this job and go back to my old job (stability, familiarity as stability, the feeling-states experienced when thinking about one job or the other, giving myself an easy non-challenging foundation for moving forward in my process, etc.), culminating in the idea that "If I've put this much of myself into writing this all out over the last few days and still haven't come to a solid conclusion to where I am able to move myself forward in this job with confidence, that might be as close to an answer as I am going to get right now."

I saw all the hard work I'd put in, and I saw how I still wasn't sure. I saw my time-limit, and I saw that right now, with how I am presently able to move myself within making decisions, this was apparently as far as I was going to get within these time constraints and within the constraints of what I have thus far been able to change about myself and my relationship to making decisions (which seriously, is huge! I put in a real effort here to face this point, and it is a point I will have to face many times more before I really get it). And so here I saw that I was trying to convince myself to push myself into one or another decision about each of which I was not sure, and that if I had to choose a one or the other where both things are things I am not sure I want, I could at least relieve myself of all of this stress by selecting the choice that is safe and familiar, which is also the choice where I have the most ability to foresee potential regrets and to face myself honestly within and as those regrets when and as they arise.

This was what I thought. I felt safe in this thought. I mostly felt light-weight and airy in my torso. Sometimes, when thinking again about being "stuck" at my old job, I felt a heaviness in my stomach. But I basically ignored that, realizing that I was going to have feeling-reactions to either decision, and that I would just have to deal with and face the consequences and feeling-states of either decision, but that for now I had to make a decision and sleep.

I set my alarm with enough time to get up and go to work if for some reason my mind changed overnight. After the alarm went off, I re-set it for an appropriate time to call in about my resignation.

I called in about my resignation, stating that I had spent a lot of time trying to come to a conclusion, and that I just honestly hadn't come to a solid one, but that nonetheless this was my decision, and I appreciated the opportunity, and I was sorry. I was then told by my supervisor that he had been giving a lot of thought to the conversations we had had over the last few days, and he respects and appreciates my decision, but would I be willing to at least give the organization "two more weeks," and he will put me with a different participant. I agreed, stating that I would enjoy taking advantage of the opportunity to have more time to decide.

Apparently there was some minor miscommunication here or misunderstanding on my part, although looking back I can see both. At the end of the day today, after spending the whole day with my new participant, which was quite enjoyable, I met with my supervisor and he specified more clearly that he appreciated my giving "two weeks notice" so that they can find a replacement and that my last day will be the 27th. At this I stated that I had misunderstood our conversation and that I was under the impression that he was open to me switching groups and that we were using this two weeks as a trial period. At this he responded that we could revisit this conversation at the end of the two weeks and go from there.

So as far as my continued employment with this organization is concerned, things remain a little unclear. But here I have been given the opportunity to stay with this job, a job, for two more weeks, gaining further experience in the program and philosophy and increased clarity in myself, getting paid, and allotting myself the time to continue in this decision-making process while still leaving the door of my old job open, and in fact opening even more doors as I now have time to consider other sources of employment. And in fact too here I see that I enjoyed work today, I like the hours, and I am eager to go back tomorrow and continue to learn more and experience more.

So... What do I make of this development? Well, originally I asked this question as if to say, "why/how did this happen?" but I suppose the why/how is not really what matters here, and if it does, then in this sense I don't really know what to make of it. But here it has happened, it is happening, and so now really: what do I make of it? How do I move within it, how do I create myself within this development?



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as my frenetic mind energy even as I am trying to write my way out of my frenetic mind energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the amount of text I am producing on the screen to where I become confused within and as what I am trying to figure out.

I thank myself for pushing through my desires to go to sleep early or to give up completely or to sit on the floor rocking and feeling sad and groaning. I did a fucking lot to try and cut through this bullshit. I wasn't fully successful but fuck if I didn't try, and now I see how I can direct myself through determination, and now too I see more clearly how to get from indecision closer to decision. I am that much closer to directing myself within decisions. I will get to decision. You don't scare me, decision!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up on myself and my process within this decision when and as I see myself as feeling overwhelmed at the amount of text, instead of taking a practical movement such as starting fresh so as to release myself from the muddled text I have produced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that I am wearing myself out and not taking any practical steps to curtail that, such as stopping and breathing and being here now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be caught up within and as the approach I was taking to make this decision, feeling rushed by time, instead of taking just a few moments to stop and breathe and let the energy die down.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the "default" decision be quitting my new job and going back to my old job because it is safe and familiar, to where within this I obviously do not believe in myself or trust myself to take responsibility for myself within every moment within and as every breath, to where I believe I cannot handle what I do not already know and also to where I create within my imagination scenarios based on recent memories and future projections of experiences within this job that I do not want to experience such that I identify these probable experiences not as challenges and points to face but as reasons to not move forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "want" a job that is "in my field" and is "like" my old-old job, but that every time I find this job I compare it to my old-old job to where it obviously is never going to be exactly the same and therefore new jobs are never good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain attached to my memories of past experiences at my old-old job to where I am limiting myself now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be more interested in my own interests than in the interests of the organization for which I work or the individuals I am there to support, to where I like my new job when I am with a participant with whom I have more in common and with whom it is easier to interact than when I am working with participants who actually really need a lot of support and creative application of my skills.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter work from the starting-point of my ego, my self-interests, my comforts, and me-me-me above all else to where I am not seeing or living as all as one as equal as LIFE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by how I see that I am able to say one thing in favor of one decision and at the same time say "but at the same time" in favor of another decision, to where I am constantly weighing options and going back and forth and engaging in a tug-of-war within and as my mind.

Here I will breathe myself to clarity and stability.

Building Self-Support: conversation with my mom part 2 - Day 25

Continuing from yesterday, one point that I missed was that everything that I think about how others will perceive whatever decisions I make for myself about myself and my life are really projected reflections of how I am perceiving and conceiving my own decisions as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own judgments of myself onto others such that I blame others for judging me and I victimize myself in the face of those judgments. When and as I see myself thinking of ways that others might perceive me in a negative or positive light, I stop and I breathe. I realize that these thoughts are projections of how I perceive and conceive of myself and that giving ownership of these thoughts to my peers is false and unfair. I commit myself to recognize when and as I am projecting my thoughts and feelings onto others so that I can see what I am thinking and feeling about myself in order to come back to a place of self-honesty and also to release myself from the entrapment of accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by what I assume others think/feel about me. 

And something that came up for me after writing last night was the realization that I have invested my ego in my job to where I want my job to make other people think specific things about me and to see me as a "good" admirable person (compassionate, selfless, brave/courageous, doing a job not many would want to do, etc.) so that my ego is a motivational factor in determining what job is best for me, and within this that I want to see myself as a "good" admirable person and I have created value-based judgments and applied them to various employment options based on what my mind has constructed and construed as deserving of those judgments. Here too, my starting point within my work is a starting point where I am seeking to fulfill my ego needs instead of seeking to do my job honestly to the best of my abilities to support life. Here I also see myself saying "that's a tough one" because I recognize that I identify my new job as being more supportive of life than my old job, and I identify that both jobs could support me but I am wondering if my old job isn't more supportive of me at this stage where I am trying to establish self-honesty, self-support, and self-stabilization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care more about what my job says about me rather than how my job supports me and supports life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into work from the starting-point of my ego to where in my new job I am concerned with working with the individuals I want to work with rather than being fully present to assist and support the individuals to whom I have been assigned, wherein I am not interacting with all life as one as equal, and where in my old job I am concerned with maintaining my preferred work environment and often get caught up in interpersonal friction, wherein I am not interacting with all life as one as equal. When and as I see myself entering my work from the starting point of my ego and my self-interest, I stop and I breathe. I realize that work is a prime location to practice equality & oneness and detaching myself from my ego and self-interest. I realize that I will be better at honestly accomplishing my job tasks if I my starting point is a commitment to life and a commitment to my commitments as an employee and my commitments to myself, so here I commit myself to investigate how my ego interacts with my work in all work experiences, but especially within this decision I am facing about my employment. I commit myself to investigate how I can support all as life as one as equal in any and every move I make, including any and every job I have, to where I do not participate within and as judging myself if I decide that it is not best to stay with my new job simply because my new job is in human services and my old job is in retail. At this stage in my life I am laying the foundation of self-support, self-honesty, and self-responsibility, and so I must determine which choice is best for that foundation. Wow, really not sure what my conclusion is on that one as I recognize the judgment that my new job is "better" than my old job at supporting life...! More to look at here. 

Back to the conversation with my mom...:

I mentioned to my mom how, leading up to this whole transition, I was coming up against this idea of turning 25 this month, and wanting to be "on-track" somehow, like suddenly an "adult" with a "career," and how in the last couple days with this job I have been thinking about how silly that was, it was just a justification to propel me into destabilizing myself and pushing myself into a change that I may have been able to see I wasn't ready for if I hadn't been creating motivations based on attachments to relatively meaningless ideas about what it means to be an "adult" and also what it means to have a "career." I was basically just creating a problem with what I already had because I was convincing myself that the age "25" means I should have something else when in reality, if being an "adult" is what being 25 means to me, then okay, I should start acting like an adult, which is to say I should be responsible, and start facing consequences in a reasonable way that's supportive of myself and sustainable and that's not punishing myself by making me stay with a choice that was not a good choice. I should start taking responsibility for myself at every point in every stage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach certain ideals to the word "adult" and the age "25" such that I have used these statuses as fodder to propel me into impulsive decisions about how I imagine I should look when I imagine myself as a "25" year old "adult." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a time constraint on my process and growth such that I believe I need to be in a certain position by a certain age. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see and realize how the position I was already in was a position with supportive value for my growth/expansion/development into and as myself  as one as equal as life and that I was already engaging in the process of myself with desteni wherein I am learning to take responsibility for myself and thereby act like an "adult" not by virtue of my age or my job title but by virtue of myself as myself in self-honesty. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my ideals about being an "adult" and turning "25" onto my peers such that I am motivated to appear a certain way to the people around me, which is to say that I am concerned only with the superficial exterior facade I am able to present and not with the actual real intimate self-responsibility I am able to create, sustain, and live in the physical. When and as I see myself being moved by the definitions I have given to being an "adult" and turning "25" and having a "career," I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to re-align myself with creating myself from within to without such that I concern myself with who I really actually am within self-honesty rather than who I can construct myself to appear to be. 

Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue the worth of my old job such that I believe it is not a valid course of employment and therefore I am not valid within it, wherein "valid" means "approved of by others" to where I come back to the realization that I want others to admire me and to believe that what I do is important. If what I do supports me, it is important. I commit myself to re-align myself and my decisions with and as the starting point of self-support to where I can ask myself: How does this support me? And know my answer. 

Still more on this lengthy conversation tomorrow...

Building Self-Support: self-trust, thoughts, and expectations: conversation with my mom part 1 - Day 24

I went to see my mom today after work and had a good conversation with her about what comes up for me as I am facing the potentiality of quitting this new job, and actually possibly going back to my old job, which it has been determined might be an option. The conversation then went into a more general discussion of how I view and judge myself. I'm going to break this up some because the conversation was rather extensive as far as topics covered, but to start I want to bring up some of the initial points and apply SF, then will follow with more tomorrow.

One thing that came up was my preoccupation with what other people will think if I quit this job, specifically my new supervisors and coworkers and my friends and acquaintances who have been excited and supportive about my making this change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care about what others think of me and my decisions such that I try to gauge what their reactions might be in order to inform my decisions and make decisions based on what I think will make other people like me most. I realize that herein I am not trusting myself nor am I moving myself, but am accepting and allowing myself to be moved by my interpretations and assumptions about what other people want me to do. Here I see that it is okay to receive input and it is okay to engage in supportive conversation and it is okay to seek perspective, but that I am taking it even further than that and placing my decisions outside myself and attempting to create myself from the starting point of having others "like" me. When and as I see myself relying on others to help me make decisions such that I feel like they won't "like" me if I don't move the way I interpret them as wanting me to move, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to continue to investigate how I can trust myself to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value friendships and relationships where the person does not support me and my decisions to such a high degree that I would prefer to change myself to where they will support me, than to learn to support myself and to stay true to myself in self-honesty. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist learning to support myself and stand by myself for myself.

My mom asked me what I would say to a friend or person who was telling me about how their new job just wasn't a good fit and they were going to make a change. I saw within me that I thought I would be supportive of their self-directed decision, but that, upon seeing a person who is behaving as I am behaving, which is that I am being really indecisive, over and over again, and am regretting things, over and over again, I would become quite judgmental of that and think "here we go again, why can't this person just stick with something?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat myself and my patterns with an attitude of exhaustion and expectation, to where I see my patterns repeating and I have an attitude that there is nothing I can do about it other than hide it and try to deny it because it is embarrassing how much they continue. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that other people feel this way about me and my patterns. When and as I see myself approaching my patterns from a starting-point of feeling defeated within and as my patterns, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my thought-reactions to myself are part of how I relate to myself, and this is an unsupportive relationship with myself. I commit myself to relating to myself from a starting point of believing in myself and my abilities to direct myself. I commit myself to empowering myself to change myself. I commit myself to being patient with myself, because learning to support myself is a process and will take time and multiple trials to build.

We also discussed how I judge myself within my recognition of problem patterns in my life, such that I think, "Well then I shouldn't participate in that problem!" and then believe the best course of action is to stop the pattern in its tracks, even if that means, as in this case, staying at a job that is not going to satisfy me simply because I am trying to end a pattern of indecision and regret about commitments made. We also discussed my belief that by ending my participation within the pattern it will somehow automatically end the consequence of the present stage of that pattern, to where I believe that I should be able to decide to stay at this job and therefore release myself of the ways that this job is not actually a good fit. Here I believe that by releasing myself from the pattern, I am expecting myself myself to also no longer be affected by the consequences of the pattern, or I am participating within and as the belief that I deserve to suffer those consequences because I participated in the pattern and to evade the consequences would be somehow betraying my commitment to not participate in the pattern. This is a little confusing and I don't feel like I'm finding quite the right words here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to, upon recognizing a problematic pattern in my life, learn the lesson once and for all with that specific incident of recognition, such that I should be able to immediately release myself from the pattern and never face it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by recognizing a pattern and its consequences, I should no longer be wrapped up in the energetic consequences, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for still being wrapped up in the energetic consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve to suffer the consequences of my patterns, even when there is a supportive way out of those consequences. When and as I see myself having unrealistic, impractical, unsupportive expectations about myself and my participation in patterns and consequences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that what I am doing requires time, patience, diligence, and forgiveness. I commit myself to really forgive myself and to be gracious with and accepting of myself in my process. 

So here so far I have seen that:

1. I have a tendency to let my interpretations of what it seems others would prefer I do be a primary motivational factor in my decision-making from the starting-point of having others "like" me. Here I see a lack of self-trust to where I do not feel confident in my ability to trust myself and make my own decisions, and I see a "people-pleaser" personality to where I will deny and disown myself in favor of what I perceive as being what other people want from me. I commit myself here to support myself by investigating how I can learn to build trust in myself and how I can re-align myself with my Self such that I can make decisions for myself by myself. 
2. I see that I abuse myself through my thoughts toward and about myself such that I do not have patience or grace with myself and my process. I commit myself to build a supportive relationship with myself through and as my thoughts toward and about myself such that I do not degrade, deny, or disown myself but instead embrace myself as all as one as equal as stability & support for life as me. 
3. I have unrealistic, impractical, unsupportive expectations of myself in my process to where I expect myself to immediately and automatically change upon recognizing the areas where I need to change, not allowing myself the time and space to actually process myself. I see that I judge myself and have a desire to punish myself for my mistakes. Here I commit myself to continue to investigate and understand what it means to be a work in progress and how to set realistic, practical, supportive expectations and goals for changing myself. 

More to come tomorrow. Thank you.