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| A seed is equal to and one with a flower |
I wrote a few days ago on the meaning of the word "process" and within that I saw that within walking process, one must engage in trial and also progress.
The trial aspect is one that has been difficult for me to grasp, as I have held high expectations for myself and judged myself within those expectations, and within this I have not wanted to make mistakes and within this I have paralyzed myself. But within trial, ie testing oneself, it is inevitable that some mistakes might be made and some adjusting, adapting, and tweaking will be involved as I test my conclusions and commitments and learn how to direct myself within equality and oneness as best for all. So I have not allowed myself to direct myself reasonably and practically for fear of making these mistakes.
The other aspect, progress, also implies mistakes. Within progress, change is visible. I have already embraced that I want to change myself -- there are no problems there, at least on the surface level. But within actually showing my change within my writing, within actually SEEING my change, it is inevitable that who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow. And so the fear I encounter here is to look back on myself within my writing and to not like who I see, or to have others look at my writing (my presentation of myself here) and to dislike or disagree or disapprove. And within this fear I lack the understanding and realization that this is a PROCESS and I will PROGRESS within this process, to where what I write today and the way I present myself today may well be different and in fact less aligned with equality and oneness and best-for-all principles than what I write tomorrow/days/weeks/months/years from now. So within this bastardized interpretation of progress within process, I have created judgments within myself once again where I expect myself to be able to write/present myself as if I am already at my destination, as if I am already "perfect" within equality and oneness and best-for-all principles, and within these judgments I hide from myself or want to hide myself from others here in my writing.
So what's the bottom line here? My ego. Within and as my ego, I want to present myself as full, complete, flawless. I want to see myself this way, and I want others to see me this way. I want to already have all the answers. I want my words to be infinite, to never warrant redaction or retraction. I do not want to write something here that I will regret or eventually see as untrue or eventually disagree with. I do not want to look back and think, "Wow, I was dumb."
And so obviously here I am operating as if judgment of myself is an inevitable within my future where I am not even considering the fact that I am presently in the process of eradicating self-judgments from my life. I am also making assumptions about how my future self will view my past self, which I cannot know now. I am projecting present self-judgments onto my future self as a mode of limiting myself within the here and now.
I am also assuming that simply because something changes and is different, that this necessitates value judgments of the phases/stages of that change.
But in fact, don't I actually want to look back and see that I am not she whom I once was? I mean, I want to change, right? I want to progress? And so inherent within change and progression is to see these differences over time. And I see now that within these differences it is not necessary to give them value-judgments, which is to say I need not see past self and declare my past self "bad" or "wrong" or "stunted" or anything like that. This might be akin to saying a seed is worse than a flower. I am all me, all one, all equal, and within my process, each step is valid, each phase/stage valid, each necessary in creating myself as one as equal as life.
So here I must let go of my ego to allow myself to express myself as I am within my present phase of my process, because it is within this expression that I will grow and develop and continue to progress.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a mistake such that I do not even try.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to change automatically from realization to actualization without any steps in between.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my ego to where I do not want to make any mistakes but want to be perfect and have all the answers so that I do not display any flaws.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change but to not realize that within change I will shift from where I am and within this, where I am is inherently not where I will be, and that within this, who I am now will probably not always be an accurate expression of whom I will be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within change, judge myself as who I am now as being "bad" or "wrong" or "stunted," separating my present self from my future self and separating myself from all as one as equal as life, separating myself from inherent truths about process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself, to deceive myself, and to manipulate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from others, to deceive others, and to manipulate others.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really be self-honest and to really be transparent and to really show myself so that I and others can see me and I and others can learn from the ways I change and progress.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project judgments I have created about myself within change, progression, and trial, onto my future self, to where I assume that if I am not perfect now then my future self will look back on myself now and judge myself now within negative value judgments. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project judgments I have created about myself onto others to where I want to have all the answers already and not actually be IN PROCESS and thus understandably and expectantly be: sometimes unsure, sometimes unstable, sometimes unclear, still learning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide that I do not already have all the answers, that I am sometimes unsure, that I am sometimes unstable, that I am sometimes unclear, and that I am still learning. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide so as to save face and save my ego.
When and as I see myself trying to hide facts about the phase/stage of my process from myself or from others so as to keep my ego in tact, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not self-honest or self-responsible. I realize that the process I am walking, as with any process, requires room for mistakes and in fact is a process of change, wherein I change myself and thus who I am will change. I realize that judging myself within this change limits my ability to see myself within self-honesty and is not self-supportive. I commit myself to being transparent with myself and with others. I commit myself to honesty and integrity. I commit myself to seeing and admitting my mistakes, to ownership of myself, and to end the separation of myself from myself within and through the buffer of judgment and thus evasion/hiding. I commit myself to seeing and being seen as the life that I am.
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