Within this conversation and the subsequent time that has passed, I've encountered within myself a few different energetic experiences... Initially a mild embarrassment, and also a worry about what my coworkers thought of my performance and what they will think when it is eventually announced that I'm leaving / have left. Then during my commute home I felt a little... I'm not sure the right word. I listened to music and sang along and just "let out" whatever was going on, and within this allowing myself to align myself energetically with the fact that sometimes there are consequences that, after they have been put into effect, I cannot control. My commute is long though so my energetic experience shifted within it, to where for most of it I was actually smiling sort of sadly, thinking about how this really makes sense and I shouldn't be surprised. After all, I did try to resign, so why would they want to keep me on? And I was just writing in DIP Lite last night about how I am and have been fully aware that I have not been putting in my best effort there. And I know that I do not feel particularly satisfied. I know that the pay is quite good, and I have a sense of admiration for the organization (although not so much the specific program wherein I work), but beyond that I am not invested or committed in this job.So while in the car I was actually rather "at peace" with the situation and then at some point on the freeway I noticed another shift where my energy just kind of dropped and it was like my mind was checking out, like it had thought through and felt all it needed to think through and feel and was just shutting off. And as I saw this I noticed how I felt like I had lost access to some of the "peace" that I had found and had lost access to some of the conclusions I had made and the stability I had felt. So this experience with my mind checking out and shutting off, as I am best able to describe it at the moment, is a very similar feeling of a mental block to what I run into a lot when I am writing and struggling to find words that are self-honest, because I feel like I don't have access to myself, like a screen has been erected to where all my brain/mind wants to do is zone out, and I haven't really figured out yet exactly what's going on here or how to direct myself within it.
I had recently identified this as an experience of suppression, wherein I thought I had seen a pattern of judgment leading to suppression and thus within that suppression obviously not being able to see myself clearly within self-honesty. So am I experiencing this kind of shut-down of my mind because I was judging and suppressing myself? Or does this experience have multiple roots? Or is this a different experience altogether? Was there some specific thought, feeling, or belief that occurred within me right before this noticeable sudden shift in energy experience? I'm not sure.
I know that at some point during my drive home I had processed all of this in my head by laughing with/at myself for all that I have experienced within myself in the last few weeks and how this has all been an interesting learning experience for me and how I can see how I have in many ways let my ego get the best of me to where I have assumed that just because I was good at my old job in this field, I will be good at this job even without trying, riding the crest of the waves of praise I received at my old job. Also I saw how the nature of this position is very independent and self-directed, in which of course I would like to say I am able to perform well, but I see that with the limited amount of experience I have, it's just not practical for me to be so independent and I would learn much more and even work harder by working side-by-side with others. Plus, I simply want to work side-by-side with others. I saw even more than that, which I will come back to in another post most likely.
So I saw myself within all of this quite clearly, I think, and was even thinking of what I might write. And then I know too at some point I thought about tomorrow, when I have two interviews lined up for different jobs, and how before, I was approaching these interviews as somewhat superfluous because I imagined that I would be able to stay at this job if I wanted to because I imagined that I was valuable and important and that of course they would see me that way even though I tried to resign and even though I have already told them I don't see it as a good fit and even though I have not been putting in my best effort. So I didn't have a lot of stress experience in relation to these interviews: I was just planning to go to them and see what happens with no attachment to the outcome. Well, now I need a new job. So now these interviews really matter. And so within this I am wondering if this is where my mind shut off/checked out to where perhaps I began to judge and suppress myself within the new consequences of what has happened, or perhaps simply I did not want to experience the stress of these interviews?
So let's review to try and get somewhere, since I do not have the answer to these questions yet:
Within this mind energy I have "lost access to myself" within an experience that feels like a screen has been erected, and I have become tired, and I want to go to sleep, and I want to delay writing, and I want to watch TV and/or eat, and I want to do anything other than actually look at myself or prepare for my interviews or be self-supportive of myself within these things. I'm still not sure the source of this experience yet but here I am able to see a few scenarios now wherein this experience arises: within writing through judgment/suppression/resistance and now with this car ride. So having defined this experience as much as I have thus far, it should only become easier for me to identify it when and as I am experiencing it and eventually I should be able to find the root or a root of this shift in energy of my experience of myself.
So here is where I can direct myself within this experience of myself: to continue to look at myself within and as this experience. Within this experience I feel as if I cannot see myself, but I can see myself within this experience, which is to say I can see who I am within this experience, this experience as me. And so this is the point, I suppose, of facing the point that is in front of you, and why within writing through this experience I have struggled SO MUCH because I have always tried to write about some other experience, while participating within and as THIS experience, and I have always judged myself for not being able to write about these other experiences with clarity, like judging myself for not being able to see through a brick wall. Now I will see this brick wall. I will experience this brick wall as myself to see myself within this wall of experience, and I will break it down.
And here I have written through and as this experience, seeing myself as this experience, and here I have seen more of myself than I saw before I began writing this, and here I have found clarity to see myself and access myself, and within this access of myself, direct myself. Here I have supported myself and here I have gained some trust in myself.
Super rad.
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