Crushes & Grudges - Day 133

In my last post I realized the energetic similarity between crushes and grudges in terms of how both seem to really possess me. I am really taken over by the experience in a way that is exhausting and makes me feel quite out of control... Probably because within both, I am trying to control something I simply cannot control.

I reflected on past periods / stretches of time when I have realized that I have not had a crush or a grudge on anyone, and it was like "a breath of fresh air" in a way. Maybe a little "boring," sure, but a sense of freedom to finally "get my life going" in a way, realizing thus that I allow myself to get stuck when I participate in crushes or grudges, because I make these experiences central to who I am.

So now having walked the most recent grudge as far as I have -- a grudge which formed immediately after the cessation of a crush / overlapping with a crush -- I see that kind of "nothingness" or "emptiness" experience in me again where I am not holding onto either of those kinds of energies in my body or in the back (or forefront) of my mind. And now, having the tools of Desteni, I am intrigued to see where this goes and how I can support myself during this stretch. Can this be permanent, even? Can I stop my participation in crushes and grudges?

I also gave myself the warning: I've not yet walked this point of a grudge to completion. And in fact there are historical grudges, especially a familial one, that I've yet to face. So it's not over and done with, not at all. But the intense energy seems to be passing, and so now I have to do what I can to not just suppress whatever remains with a belief that I am "over it," because here I know that actually I am still afraid, and I am still somewhat angry, and it's still here within and as me. I'll not know until I have the opportunity to test it for myself in real-time. And so I continue to prepare and support myself.

I will repaste the quote from Bernard because it is so poignant and assisted me in finding this warning for myself:

"Now, because you did not do self correction immediately when it happened - even with doing self correction now, it's going to happen again - until you correct yourself in real time when it happen. Only real-time Correction, when you Move while you have the discomfort and you correct it until the discomfort is no longer there - is the actual, Real, point of Change." Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed and taken over by the experiences of a crush or a grudge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control within the experience of a crush or a grudge.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize that I cannot control that which I am trying to control within the experience of a crush or a grudge.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand why the experiences of crushes and grudges is so torturous for me -- I am attempting something I cannot do, I am expecting myself to be able to control something I cannot control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved further into possession of the experience of a crush or a grudge precisely because I feel out of control, and so I hold on even tighter, not realizing that my control comes with letting go.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to support myself and show up for myself by letting go of that which is not-me but is only the me I have created myself to be in my experience of a crush or a grudge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my experiences of a crush or a grudge central to "who I am" during those periods / stretches of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to fear letting go of the experience of the crush or the grudge because I fear having nothing or being empty, because I believe that experience is who or all that I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am still here, even without those experiences. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that those experiences in fact change me and make me not-here, but instead existing within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself through and as my experiences within and as a crush or a grudge.

I forgive myself that I have sometimes accepted and allowed myself to actually seek out a crush or a grudge, because they provide me with entertainment through energetic experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the experience of the crush or the grudge through my participation, through and as my imagination, thoughts, beliefs, projections, feelings, and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify my life during periods / stretches of time between crushes and grudges as "boring."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed, engage, and participate within and as any experiences of fear that come with the experience of a "lack" of a crush or grudge, so that the fear that starts out small as a newness or a nothingness, rather than investigated, becomes bigger.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fully investigate the experience of myself that occurs during the periods / stretches of time between a crush or a grudge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recognize and identify these stretches as more "peaceful" and "better" for me, but to not really look at why, and to have definitely not looked at how I can maintain this connection with myself through not participating in a crush or a grudge, instead simply "hoping" that another crush / grudge will not re-emerge, and simply believing / saying to myself that I will not let it get "so bad" "next time," but not giving myself any actual practical courses of action to follow in order to assist and support myself to not let it get "so bad" next time.

Here I commit myself to use what I have learned through Desteni to assist and support myself in this point of finding myself as stability in the periods / stretches between crushes ad grudges.

And when and as I see myself first beginning to participate in a crush or a grudge, I stop and I breathe. I do my best here to recognize what is happening, and I remind myself of the consequences. I reflect on my past experiences within crushes and grudges, and I refer also to whatever I have yet to learn about the period / stretch now coming upon me wherein I will be without these experiences. I commit myself to see what it is I am seeking or avoiding through engaging / participating in these experiences. I commit myself to writing, and to aligning myself within the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all. I commit myself to self honesty, self responsibility, and self support, always, and through these points.

I commit myself also to seeing what other energies I try to use to fill these voids. Depression is a likely culprit. Participation within and as depression during these "boring" stretches of what could otherwise be stability if I allow it. I commit myself to watching myself and to when and as I see myself cultivating any kind of long-term energetic experience, to stop and breathe and see and write.

I commit myself really to breathe, to fill the void with myself as my breath. 

I commit myself to walk the next step and every step thereafter within the realization that these are the first steps of me in this process without a crush or a grudge. I commit myself to always be aware of this so that I can be aware of what subtle energies I am trying to create to replace the experiences I have participated within and as for months. I commit myself to seeing who I am by myself, without these experiences, and supporting myself to be simply me in self honesty.

And when and as I see myself believing this is "over" and feeling "safe" within a belief that I have already walked this point of the grudge, I stop and I breathe. I realize it is not over. I realize this particular grudge still has more to be walked, and myself as grudge-holder is bigger than just this one grudge. I realize I am free in my breath, but I am not free yet from my own prisons. There is still more to be done, and so I will do it, I will not allow myself to lie to myself that it is already done.

Filling the Void in Myself with My Breath - Day 131

I've been continuing to struggle a lot with anger and negative emotions, accompanied by self-pity and projection of blame. Most important to curtail here is the projection of blame. It's not like I've just been sitting with myself with my own emotions and supporting myself through those emotions. No, I've been experiencing the emotions and then immediately finding absolutely any excuse or reason I can to blame someone or something else for my emotions, including coming back to the grudge, or allowing thoughts of hopelessness about my job, which, up til this week, I was really enjoying.

But I can't allow it. I won't.

Today... I didn't focus on my breath. Not a lot, anyway. But this morning on my way to work, I did take a deep breath. And in that breath I remembered my breath. I mean I remembered my breath as me, and as a tool to support me. I was able to assist myself out of a lot of the negative energy and anger and blame through and as my breath. It didn't last all day, this increased awareness of myself as my breath. But today was a lot better than yesterday and the day before. And now I can reflect on a big part of why: My breath. And I can reflect on how I can support myself tomorrow: My breath. Always my breath.

In my last post I had mentioned how I had found some relief / respite, and a way to break down the wall in a way. And I had mentioned how soon after that relief, I felt emptiness, and then fear, and then the fear led to the creation of more anger and negative energy. I didn't know what to do with the empty space. I [thought I] needed something to hold onto.

So now I hold onto my breath, myself as my breath.

And I mean, I really am my breath, right? So to fill the void, fill the emptiness, fill myself up with my breath, is filling myself up with myself. Is embodying myself. Is being here with and as myself, in the physical. I mean we "know" this, but I rarely live it. That is what I am here to teach myself to do (like actually DO, not just "know" -- this is applied learning!), and what I learn from everyone else involved in this group all the time.

So, my breath. My breath, myself as my breath, filling myself up with my breath, thus filling myself up with myself... That is how I show up for myself. That is how I do not abandon myself in, to, and as negative energy, thoughts, judgments, etc. Because that is precisely what I have been doing -- abandoning myself and all as LIFE, by existing within and as my mind consciousness systems of anger and negative energetic experiences.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself and all as life, as one and equal as life, as what is here in the physical, by engaging in and entertaining mind energy, especially in this case anger, resentment, projection of blame, and other negative energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative energetic experiences for myself, experiences which I do not enjoy, and yet I do not relent, and I have not assisted or supported myself to release myself of the grasp of these energetic experiences.

I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to truly assist and support myself out of the negative energies, instead holding on tightly to them, as they hold on tightly to me, not realizing that within this I am abandoning myself and giving myself over to the false constructions of my mind as energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fully utilize my breath as the one and only truly necessary step to being here in the physical within and as myself as life, supporting myself to align myself within principles of equality and oneness and what is best for all through existing here as my breath in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embody myself as my breath in the physical so that without holding onto mind energy experiences, I feel empty, because I have not realized myself as here in my human physical body, always here, breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am empty and I have nothing if I do not have my anger and resentment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and nurture an affinity toward energetic experiences, especially negative ones, so as to "fill myself up" and give myself "meaning" and "definition."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to define myself as my breath, as life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand, until now, that whatever emptiness I believe I feel within myself, only I can fill, and it can only truly be filled by me, as my breath, in the here and now, in the physical, as life.

When and as I see myself feeling empty, as nothing, or hollow, I stop, and I breathe. I take a deep slow breath, in and out, and again. I fill myself with my breath. I realize that emptiness and nothingness is who I am as life, as a physical being, and so in this moment I continue to breathe, and I breathe until I am stable in nothingness. I continue this process until I am stable in nothingness, until I have released myself of all the energy I have created and hoarded and held onto.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always search for blame in someone or something else for why I feel the way I do, ie who I am accepting and allowing myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an even greater buffer between myself and my Self by first engaging in emotional energy, and then by creating the separation of projected blame. I commit myself to stop the blame.

When and as I see myself projecting blame or coming up with reasons or excuses or blaming another for who I am and how I feel, I stop and I breathe. I breathe deeply and slowly. I realize that I am creating my experience of myself and I am creating myself in every moment. I commit myself to creating myself as my breath in self honesty, self responsibility, and self support, as one, as equal, as life, as what is best for all.