Unconditional Self-Acceptance & Self-Support - Day 154

Self-forgiveness for yesterday's post: Defining Undefined Lines - Day 153

First of all, I see that I still am in judgment of another / others. I still believe that another / others "need to be fixed" or "see things my way," that if another / others saw things "my way" they would be "fixed."

So I have to continue to watch myself in that, and let that go. I mean I don't have the answers. I don't know. I might have some suggestions, but I don't get to control outcomes. This whole dynamic is one of separation, superiority, and self-righteousness. It's not supportive. I mean we've all got lessons to learn and points to walk, but that is for each individual, and the way that I support the group, the whole, the all, is by walking my process absolutely. It's not that I can't give suggestions, it's just that I see I'm not stable enough right now to do so.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have "the answer(s)" for another person. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this belief to put myself in a position of also believing I am somehow superior, the other inferior, and within this creating separation within myself and between myself and another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that if another person saw things the way I see things, things would suddenly somehow be better, because I realize that actually with the energy I have been existing in, it really doesn't matter what the other does -- I find a reason to be mad. I realize also that it is ridiculous to be mad at someone for having not yet learned something. You don't get mad at a toddler who doesn't yet know how to walk or talk. You don't get mad at an elementary-age student who doesn't yet understand how to multiply. You don't get mad at someone who has never driven a car for not knowing how to drive a car. We all learn different things at different times. There is much I do not understand, and no one has gotten mad at me for it (although sometimes I imagine harsh judgment / critique, but this is only because this is how I exist in my energy toward myself and others). So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck and "hung up" on my perception that I understand something that another does not understand. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want this other person to somehow understand this, whether by themselves or by me telling them, because within this I am not understanding the process of learning; within this I am not understanding that in order for this person to understand, they have to learn, they cannot just be told, it cannot simply be pointed out. So whatever efforts I have made to "support" another person in understanding, they have not been effective because I have not been patient, and I have not been absolutely unconditionally supportive, but instead have been more invested / interested in my own ego fix of believing I have fixed another, within this believing I somehow have the answers.

So when and as I see myself stuck on an energy that I know or understand something more or better than another and believing that the other should see things the way I see them, I stop and I breathe. I first examine the point and see if I really do understand. Do I have all the necessary information to understand? What have I learned about that point through my own living? Why do I have this invested energy in the other person understanding? Then if I want to try to "support" the other person with "understanding," I simply share my perspective. Take it or leave it. I investigate the best way to actually support another person effectively, rather than just asserting / inserting myself into the situation, trying to manipulate a specific outcome without tact or strategy or effectiveness, ie without equal and one support.

And I commit myself to abandon my personal investment in what another says, does, or seems to understand. I commit myself to unconditional and absolute self support so that, if what another says, does, or seems to understand creates conflict or friction for me, I am able to stand stable and see / realize / understand that this is showing me where this person is, and my reaction shows me where I am. Then I see the point I have to walk, within my reaction, and I walk it. I do not point fingers, and I do not hold onto the desire to walk another's point for them, to "make them understand."

I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and critique myself harshly, also projecting this judgment and criticism outward onto others and as sourced by others. I commit myself to continuing to learn patience, grace, and compassion for myself and others, because it is this energy of judgment that is keeping me stuck in energies such as anger, resentment, and blame.

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Now here is just the beginning of self-forgiveness for points found in the previous post:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful situations for too long. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recognize abuse or harm or dissatisfaction and then to reject or dismiss it, within this rejecting, dismissing, denying, and disowning myself: self-abuse. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through what I accept and allow in my interactions / relationships with other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am somehow wrong or in the wrong if I see or recognize something that is harmful, abusive, or unsatisfactory in interactions / a relationship.

When and as I see myself seeing something that is harmful, abusive, or unsatisfactory in interactions / a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I commit myself to examine and investigate what it is that I am perceiving as harmful, abusive, or unsatisfactory. I commit myself to supporting myself to find stability in myself in my breath and in the physical, realizing that any energetic "harm" I am experiencing is a creation of my mind and is not really here in reality. I commit myself to the realization that abuse of me comes only through what I accept and allow. I commit myself to find stability and realize that the behavior of another shows me who another is. I commit myself to adjust and adapt to what I learn about another through their explicit and implicit behaviors. I commit myself to find balance and middle ground within adjustment and adaptation so that I do not create and enter into another false dilemma of "wall or nothing" wherein I either run away / shut out, or accept and allow anything and everything, including my own abuse. I commit myself to continue to learn about boundaries so that I can support myself in this process, in seeing that I have more than 2 options in how to proceed when and as I see something that is harmful, abusive, or unsatisfactory in interactions / a relationship.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have another person fix or save me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix or save another person. I see that I perceive that I would have a strong connection and admiration with a person who could fix me, that I would within that be able to believe that they genuinely care about me, and I "need" them, and maybe that would be something like "love." So I see that in wanting to fix another, I want another to feel a strong connection and admiration toward me. I want to be needed, and to need, because this feels safe and secure and like the other person might never leave, and if they did, then maybe I would be justified and validated in hurting -- justification and validation that I had never or not often received or given to myself previously in the various abuses I have faced.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to need another, and for accepting and allowing myself to want to be needed by another. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to need myself, to realize that I am here to support myself, instead I have been here always with myself and at almost every opportunity I have rejected myself as not good enough to support myself, not good enough to need, not good enough to fix or save myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself as not good enough, or to see my own saving as not worthwhile if there is no one here to show me or tell me they care. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see that caring about myself is more than enough, it is everything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself my own life, which I can give myself through accepting myself and supporting myself unconditionally and taking absolute responsibility for myself. I commit myself to continue to learn how to do this, to be my own advocate and my own accountability.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the credit or satisfaction of being a pivotal or integral part of another person changing and bettering themselves. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be changed or bettered by another person. I commit myself to allowing each individual to walk their process, since that is all they can do, and since I cannot do that for them. I realize that even if I was / am the sole catalyst and "teacher" of another person learning a certain point, it is still they who learned it. I realize learning cannot be given or forced, but it is a purely self-movement-process. So within this I commit myself to walking my process absolutely, since that is all I can do, and supporting myself to learn as much as I can, supporting myself to take in whatever stimuli for learning I have around me and to examine and investigate for myself how I can change myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest in my relationships / friendships such that my starting point has been one of judgment and ambivalence and separation, so that the way I live and behave is not in alignment with what I am thinking or believing, and neither is in alignment with myself in self honesty as what is best for all. I commit myself to working toward aligning all of this as myself, presenting myself through my behavior and living in self honesty, with self honesty as my starting point, aligning myself with who I am in self honesty. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another while at the same time pretending to be their friend. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another while at the same time not looking at myself and who I am within that judgment.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that maybe this person will see things my way someday, because within this I realize that I am still positioning myself as "right" and as in separation from the other person as well as myself. I commit myself to returning all points to myself, as I stated above, to seeing who I am within my reactions and judgments and to seeing that here I have points I myself must walk, so I really don't have time or space to try and tell another person how they should walk or who they should be.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix or change another person because I believe that I will somehow reap the benefits of that, that I will somehow be seen as indispensable to that person so that if / when / as they change, I will get to continue to be in their life, and I will get to then have a person in my life who is the way I want them to be, and I will also get to have the satisfaction of saying that I played some role in them becoming that way. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be indispensable to myself, I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be the way I want me to be, and I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take pride and trust in knowing that I played absolute role in creating myself as who I am. I commit myself to continuing to realize who I am to myself, as in my value to myself, and to accepting and supporting myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be satisfied and content with the only thing I really can have: a healthy relationship with myself as a person who is self-aware and has integrity. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see myself as enough. I commit myself to accepting and supporting myself unconditionally.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in relationships in such a way where I perceive that there are parts of me over there, and parts of another here with me, and that within this we are inseparable, and yet within this we are in pieces, I have separated myself by giving myself to another rather than giving myself the gift of life, and I have taken from another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this because as a result I feel resentment and hurt and betrayed if / when the relationship takes a turn for the worse. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot be "happy" "whole" or "complete" without relationships with others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some thing I have never really had or experienced is "the answer," not realizing that I am the answer, and I am right here, so the answer is right here as me as unconditional self acceptance and self support. I commit myself to accepting and supporting myself unconditionally.

I commit myself to the realization that my perception of this separation and transference of parts is not real, it is only the system in which I have operated. In reality, I am here in my totality, equal to and one with all as life, if only I can live that way.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and exist in a false dilemma dynamic with response options to conflict or other stimuli in relationships / interactions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically do nothing until a threshold is reached, at which point I finally react strongly. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to have healthy boundaries to support myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be abusive of myself and abusive of others through my participation in this false dilemma perception and being dishonest in my behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be complacent and to settle for mistreatment from another as if there is nothing I can do about it, I'll just have to deal with it, and clearly it's all I'm worth since it's all I'm getting. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my self worth is measured by how others treat me. I realize my self worth is measured by how I treat myself, and if I do not stand up for myself in self support, in creating and living by boundaries of what I will or will not accept or allow, then I am not treating myself as what I am worth as life. I commit myself to realizing my self worth as life and respecting myself as life and accepting and supporting myself unconditionally.

I realize when I do this for myself, I will be better able and prepared to do this for others.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to accept a person for who they are. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in judgment of another and of myself, so that neither is ever "good enough" except when I immortalize another, at which point I believe they are absolutely perfect and I am still nowhere near good enough. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these idea-listic relationships with others that are not realistic or based in reality, but instead based in judgment, opinion, and energy. I commit myself to recognizing when I see myself judging anyone or myself, whether positively or negatively, or even neutrally. I commit myself to investigating that and learning to accept myself and others unconditionally as life, one and equal.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically make a hole as an expectation and then try to mold and manipulate another person to fit that hole, whether through actual manipulation within the physical manifestation of the relationship, or through manipulation and self-deception within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change the shape of another. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to focus on myself and changing or accepting or seeing my own shape.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied or even proud of any variation of relationship progression that differs from or seems better than my previous participation in relationship progressions. I realize I have not participated in the beginning of relationships in a healthy self honest self supportive self responsible way pretty much ever, so my standard has to be higher than just being better. I realize getting better is great, but I am not done, there is far to climb before I am operating in this arena in a way that is truly best. So I commit myself to watching this very closely and continuing to investigate this point, because I will not accept or allow myself to do a quick comparison, see that what I am doing now seems superficially better, and then assume that I am "okay" and "in the clear."


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust another person as being right and true. I realize in large part my definition of "right" and "true" is a self definition and may not be fully self honest or within realizations and understandings that I do not yet have. I realize that I can only really trust myself. I realize this happened -- I trusted someone in a way I shouldn't have. I realize that was my choice. I commit myself to let that go as a reason to be angry and project blame. I realize that now I know better, now I trust only myself. I commit myself to continue to look at that point if it continues to persist.

"Never, never trust.

But be friendly.

By being friendly toward others

You increase your non-trusting.

The idea is to be independent,

Not involved,

Not glued, one might say, to others.

Thus one becomes ever more

Compassionate and friendly.

Whatever happens, stand on your own feet

And memorize this incantation:

Do not trust."

~ Chögyam Trungpa, Rinpoche

I see that a lot of this writing led into the statement "I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough," so that might be a good next point to look at.

Liking the Boy Who Pulls Your Hair - Day 148

Today two of my students came to me to talk about boy troubles. Both girls were talking about how confused they were because the boys they liked were very hot and cold with them, basically being nice especially when they were alone, but mean to them when there were other kids around, or otherwise being generally hot and cold.

We talked about self-respect and I asked why they would like someone who does not respect them or who treats them poorly. This was more just a question I wanted them to think about and reflect on, since it is certainly something that takes a while for most women (and men?) to learn. In fact it is something that I am only learning right now.

I encouraged them to be reflective of themselves and only act based on decisions they make about who they are, not about what other people do or say, or what they think other people want them to do, or what they think other people think.

I encouraged them to think about how they could best support themselves.

I pointed out how we're probably always going to feel those butterflies in our stomach when we see a boy who we think is attractive. Sometimes that's hard to control. But what we can control is what we do with that. We don't have to "like" someone just because of how he looks. It's how he actually is toward us that matters, and how he is in general. I mean, what do they expect a relationship with that person to look like, based on how he treats them now? And what kind of relationship do they really want? "One where we're kind to each other, we don't call each other names..."

And what did I really expect that relationship to look like? More of the same? I hoped it would be different. I hoped he would change. I hoped I could make him change. I hoped I was special enough to make him change, to make him be the person I originally thought he was, or wanted him to be. I hoped. Hope is not real. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my experience here and now based on what I hoped for the future. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to exist in the here and now of reality, responding to what is here, now, and moving myself in self honesty from the starting point of stability in this moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change another person for the sake of my own ego, of feeling good about myself as being important enough to another person to make them change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could have that power, to change another person because they care about me that much. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate caring and love with a person changing to be a better person. I realize this goes back to my dad, who said he loved me, but who was abusive. I realize that I wanted him to change in order to show me he loved me. I realize maybe I have a hidden belief that he didn't really love me, since he never changed. So I commit myself to investigate this further. What is "love" in this belief? The belief that I do not matter. That I only matter if I can get another person to change, to treat me better, then I will know I have value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this, to put before myself this impossible task that is completely irrelevant to my actual value as life, and which is self-abusive by design. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be the person that makes another person change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be that person. I see that in this instance I have helped another person see themselves, but only after engaging in much frustration and self-abusive behavior of arguing and not supporting myself. It is not my job to change another. It is not my job to make another see himself. I will not be enticed by this ability -- I am tired! It is not worth it to do this when I am not stable in myself, supporting myself. I cannot support another instead of supporting myself, and I cannot accept or allow myself to be drained by another person who does not understand and respect (see himself as one with and equal to) the consequence of these interactions. I will respect myself and stop my participation. I will create myself now here as the person that I want to be, supporting myself, trusting myself, respecting myself, and taking responsibility for myself NOW, so that I no longer hope for the future to be a certain way. I am here now, I will be here now, I will create myself here and now as what is best for all as best I can in self-support. I stand. 

I also pointed out how, from the sounds of it, it seemed like these boys just wanted attention from them in order to stroke their own egos. And so, when one girl stopped talking to that boy for 4 days, he started giving her a lot of attention on facebook, trying basically to coax her back into the position he had been keeping her in: at arm's length, but still feeding his ego.

Maybe I was projecting from my own experiences; I don't know. But the girls said they could relate to what I was saying. One girl felt sympathetic about a boy who was going through a difficult time with a break up. I pointed out that for me, in the past, I would use that as like an excuse for a boy to be mean to me, and I would think that if I could be stable and consistent, then eventually he'd get over it, and he'd want to be with me, like he'd see how great I am, and we would be together, and everything would be perfect. She laughed and said that's how she feels. The other girl wanted to "blast" one of the boys she had liked but who was being mean on facebook, which I gathered meant that she wanted to basically post a lot on his wall about what she thinks of him. I pointed out how that might feel like taking control, but he's probably not going to reflect on anything based on that. He's not going to say, "you know what? you're right!" or at least he won't say that and mean it. I pointed out how here the three of us were having a nice conversation and we were learning from it, but when other staff, for example, shout at them, it's easy to look away and say "yeah, okay, whatever, oh my god, this is so stupid." So when someone is really reactive at us, we tune them out. But when someone comes to us calmly, or otherwise stops participating in the game / dance of reaction, we realize that something's up, and we look at it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be abused and mistreated with the hopes that a boy / man will see me as valuable. How backwards! 

I realize this only shows what I am accepting and allowing. This communicates that I accept and allow and even invite abuse. 

I commit myself to respect myself by no longer accepting or allowing others to abuse me. I commit myself to set boundaries for myself and live by them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will be heard if I am loud, that I will be seen if my actions are big or extreme. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my reaction with a belief that it will communicate better than me communicating for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into the desire to have retribution through reaction, through "showing another how it feels" or trying to convey my emotional intensity through anger. I see, realize, and am beginning to understand how effective communication comes from a point of stability. I realize that giving myself over to reaction, giving myself over to retribution, is abandoning myself and abusing myself. I realize that I am most easily heard when I am calm. I realize that others do not typically react well to reaction -- they will react in turn, whether by also becoming angry, or discrediting me, or something else. But if I am calm, then I am supporting myself, and there is a better chance I will be heard and understood. So I commit myself to keeping my reactions to myself as much as I can, as much as seems appropriate. I commit myself to not using my anger to communicate. I commit myself to abandoning the belief that if I can show others how much I am hurting, they will feel bad. I realize people don't want to see themselves as bad people, so seeing the consequences of their behavior sometimes makes them just turn away. So I realize this is not effective. So I commit myself to effectively support myself and effectively communicate by finding stability before I communicate. I realize the other person understanding me is not paramount. Understanding myself is what is paramount. Respecting myself is paramount.  

I've been kept at arm's length, and I've been in the position of thinking someone was quite mean to me, disrespectful, and also seeing his behavior as contradictory and even irresponsible. And yet, for some reason, I succumbed to his charm and charisma, and his CONfidence, and his physical appearance, and I decided I "liked" him. I didn't listen to myself in self-honesty. I believed that the other person must genuinely be that great, since he acted so great, since he acted like he was hot shit, since it seemed like other girls liked him too.

I directed myself from what I thought I should do based on what other people thought, based on my perception of how other people received this person -- not how I actually received him, which was a lot of really negative interactions, that I just overlooked, because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, or I thought he would change, or I thought I was wrong for perceiving things that way, because I trusted him more than I trusted myself.

And this is mainly why I am mad, at myself. And I am mad too because I finally let it be known how I felt, and I fear now that this is just being used once again for this individual to stroke his ego. But mainly, I am mad that I abused myself and rejected myself in favor of hanging out with, liking, and pursuing a guy who wasn't nice to me, who didn't treat me with respect, and who behaved egotistically and arrogantly. I'm mad at myself for trusting someone who was obviously not trustworthy. I'm mad at myself for not trusting myself. I'm mad at myself that I believed it was just the way it would be, that it only made sense for us to be together, so it's like I was "stuck" with that, so I found a way to be okay with it. I'm mad at myself that I SAW all of this, and I ignored it. There was no lack of awareness, there was simply a lack of self responsibility. And now I am here as the consequence for that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be self-dishonest and twist my own words / memories / experiences to deny that I liked someone because I feel embarrassed and because I do not want this person to have even more food for his ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to lie to myself in order to manipulate this other person to feel or not feel a certain way. Again this is holding myself hostage in order to manipulate another's experience. I forgive myself. I let it go. 

I'll make absolutely no excuses for myself. I was only just beginning to receive and learn the tools. But it doesn't change the fact that this is what I accepted and allowed, and now I am here as the consequence of that. And now I must take responsibility.

I realize that my liking this person had a lot more to do with me than it did with him. I realize that the fact that I liked this person shows me myself, and what I have not given myself: Trust, Respect, Support. I realize too that I have not given myself the responsibility to give myself these things. I realize that it is who I was as who I have been in my life that led me to the point of liking this person, as a consequential next step from who I have liked in the past. I realize that even though I thought that every relationship after my first should get "better," they have all actually gotten "worse," because my self-esteem, self-respect, self-support, and self-trust have diminished with every experience I have had with men, and it has not been until now that I have been able to see this as the root, that: I have not allowed myself to trust myself, I have not allowed myself to respect myself, and I have not allowed myself to support myself; instead I have done all of this unto another, without first doing it to myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an extensive belief system within myself centering on the core belief that "my life will finally start when I am in a committed relationship," and so I should hold off on really creating myself, so that I would be more available and free to conform to whatever man decided I was good enough for him, so that I could become whatever he wanted me to become, so that I could finally be in a committed relationship and my life could finally start, and I could finally be happy, where the "start" of my life becomes the end of my living, the end of the only thing I have: myself, my ability to direct myself. I realize this belief is central to how I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused by men, to how I have abused myself through men, and abused myself through this belief. I realize through this belief I have abdicated responsibility for myself throughout my life. I realize I have not trusted myself, that within this belief I have cultivated and nurtured self doubt. I realize I have not allowed myself to really live, as myself, as life. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to normalize the phenomenon that men are abusive of and mistreat women, and this is okay, in fact this is a sign of a good relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the small few positive interactions, choosing to ignore the negative / abusive interactions, in favor of believing the positives are what is "real" or what will become real, rather than seeing all interactions as what is real, and using all interactions to show me who another person is, and to show myself who I am being, as what I am accepting and allowing within my relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that another person is better than me or superior to me simply because they treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take memories of past relationships, especially with my brothers, where these were boys I was supposed to look up to and who were supposed to protect me, who sometimes teased me and treated me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that it is acceptable or allowable for someone to treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that if I accept and allow someone to treat me poorly, they will like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that if I accept and allow someone to treat me poorly, they will realize that I am valuable, and they will start to treat me better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that my value to another person comes from what I accept and allow them to do to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be used and abused by men, to stroke their egos, or stroke something else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be used and abused by men sexually, because I want them to like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse myself sexually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that accepting and allowing others to use and abuse me is how I can get other people to like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important or even imperative that other people like me.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to like myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself liking myself to be enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need others to like me in order for me to be okay or happy, or for my life to be worthwhile, for the fact that I am alive to be worthwhile.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to trust myself, respect myself, or support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give gifts to others that I have not given to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not matter, that only what I can do for other people matters. I realize I cannot really do anything for anyone, only myself, or only once I have done that for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" someone just because I think they are attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" someone just because it seems like other people think they are attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide this experience because I do not want the other to use this information to continue to stroke their ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed when it seems as if I have been more transparent than I realized, that what I was trying to hide actually showed through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" boys / men who are not kind to me, who do not treat me with respect, and who are not actually supportive of me as life, as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" boys / men who treat me poorly, who treat me as less than them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this is normal, this is just the way it is, and I don't deserve any better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for boys / men / people who treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow my own abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify what I perceive as "weaknesses" in another person / areas where they have room to grow, and to believe that I can be the person to show them this, and to help them grow, and within this I find value in myself, I believe I matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go out of my way to support another person with the ulterior motive of feeling valued and validated and like I matter.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to validate myself, or realize that I am valuable and I do matter, as all life matters and is valuable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself from the starting point of what I perceive about what other people want or think, so that, since I never communicated my intent, I didn't know for sure what the other person wanted, so I held onto the hope that maybe this is what they wanted, so I kept that door open as an option, kept imagining that as a possibility, so that rather than listening to myself in self-honesty, and directing myself therefrom, I was more enticed by the possibility that this person might like me, and then I could be liked, even if I did not really, in self-honesty, like this other person, but only liked my idea of who this person could be someday, or what this person represented for me, or what I had imagined about this other person, but actually rather disliked this person based on our actual interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be led on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want another person to like me who I did not even like. I see this is abusive. I see this is not self honest. I see this is irresponsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do what I could to get another person to like me, to stroke my ego. I realize this is also what they did to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be wanted, and want to be liked, so that when I saw the possibility that another person might like me "like that," I fed into it, and allowed myself to be led on, even though I was always kept at arm's length, even though I never felt good, even though I was always confused, even though I felt like I had no control of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust another person to be responsible and self-honest because he claimed to be these things, so that, within this, I abdicated my own responsibility and I did not trust myself, because I thought trusting this other person was safer, because he knew more. But I realize it is not about what a person knows, it is about how they live. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to recognize the reality of the interactions and the reality of living, instead engaging in ideas in my mind and ideas as communicated by another, ideas and "knowledge" about who a person is, rather than the reality of who the person shows me he is.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be a person who is self-honest absolutely, because even though I was communicating with myself, I did not listen to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto "what ifs" and "buts" and wondering how things "could" be rather than looking at how things actually are / were and moving myself from within reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing all of this bullshit that has occurred over the past almost year of my life. I forgive myself for that. I forgive myself and I realize I have learned so, so much about myself through this experience, not only about myself and relationships, but myself and self trust, myself and boundaries, myself and honesty, myself and responsibility, myself and grudges/conflict, myself and friendships, myself and listening to myself, and myself and the desteni message. I realize that I made mistakes. I realize that now I know, and with that knowledge I can now live better, as what is best for all.

I commit myself to continue to work through the reactions.

I commit myself to trusting myself, as I listen to what I communicate to myself.

I commit myself to calming myself and soothing myself when I see myself doubting myself, I commit myself to breathing and investigating the self doubt and the function of the self doubt.

I commit myself to respecting myself. I commit myself to not accepting or allowing others to abuse me. I commit myself to not accepting or allowing myself to abuse myself through accepting and allowing others to abuse me.

I commit myself to support myself absolutely. I commit myself to create and live by boundaries for myself as what I learn to trust in myself, and what I learn is best for all.

Standing as Equals

Here is a cool post by someone else who wrote on a similar topic: Why do I like the guys that do not like me?

Reactive Energy as Me - Day 145

The following was written last night, after Walking Through the Wall - Day 144 and after moving through a very intense anger energy where I again saw how I abandon myself in and separate myself from the energy I create, and in this I have never been able to see myself, understand myself, or really forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in the past as the problem and reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on the past as what happened and who did or said what and pointing fingers and blaming and abdicating responsibility for myself here and now.

I realize I didn't know any better. I realize I only had one guide. But I also realize that was my choice. I could have taken myself into my own hands. All my life I have given myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to give myself over to others, to exist through others.

I also realize I know better now. I realize I have a choice now, and in every moment.

I realize I am in my own hands now. I realize I am my own guide, and I realize I have guides all around me.

I realize the solution is here within and as me, now -- not in the past, not in the reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck in anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hit a wall of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reaction and so avoiding the stimuli for reaction, so avoiding communication, avoiding another person to whom I am reacting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the "quick fix" of ignorance, of creating limits, of building walls, of setting rules, of telling myself and the other that I just can't handle the reactions, so just stop, rather than moving boldly and staying with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself when I react.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stay with myself, within myself, with the realization that I am not going to get hurt here. I am safe in myself. But I hurt myself immensely by abandoning myself, by separating myself from my energy as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, so who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself by rejecting and judging the energy I create.

I realize my reaction / energy is a consequence, and it is already here. The energy is here as me, so to resist, suppress, reject, or judge the energy is to do all the same to myself.

I realize I am my reaction. My reaction is me. The energy is me as long as I allow it, and if it is here, then it is in me, it is who I am.

So I realize to ignore the reaction or resist the reaction is to reject and neglect myself. It is self abuse, it is fear-based, it is abdication.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to hold onto myself in intense emotional energy, breathing, being here with myself as I face this energy I have created by what I have accepted and allowed. Facing consequences, being here as myself in my entirety.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to cry, and cradle myself, and embrace myself, and accept myself unconditionally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as what I create in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid stimuli to reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself by not allowing myself to express myself as who I am in the energy I have allowed as myself, by avoiding the stimuli of reaction, thus avoiding the tool by which I can see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame and point my finger at the stimuli, like as if it is bad, rather than seeing that it is a gift to see myself, it is the way I can see myself, without the stimuli I would not see that I am this energy, and I would not be able to direct the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist directing the energy, to  believe that the energy is bigger than me, within this believe that the energy is not-me, believing I am consumed and controlled by the energy, within this then fearing the energy, and fearing myself as the energy, and fearing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become consumed by the energy rather than stopping and breathing and supporting myself here as the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my experience of energy, rather than embracing myself as who I am unconditionally and in my totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should not experience a certain energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist extreme emotions because I have created negative associations with that experience, because I give myself over to the emotions, because I have separated myself from the emotions, and so the moment I enter emotion I automatically abandon myself, and so of course the experience of emotion is scary, of course it is something I would avoid. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative associations with the experience of emotional energy rather than seeing this energy merely as a consequence to who I am as indicative of what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself.

When and as I enter a strong emotion, I stop, and I breathe. I allow the emotion. I see it as myself, I see myself as the emotion, as who I am, as indicative of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I direct myself within and as the energy, but the energy does not direct me. I am the energy. I realize I cannot stop the energy if I do not understand it, I cannot forgive myself if I do not understand myself. I commit myself to understand myself, so that I might actually forgive myself and support myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have not understood myself. I forgive myself that I have not embraced myself. I forgive myself that I have abandoned myself time and again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intense emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught up and lost in emotions, not able to see that it is momentary, temporary, that is not all that I am, only part of who I am, and it is a part of myself I can change, but only if I see it and understand it, so that I can forgive it and change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my emotions, within this wanting to shut others out so that I do not have to experience the emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for the quick fix, the energetic relief, waiting only for the relief from the energy, not realizing this is not stability, this is not real, it is still in me, it is merely dormant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist supporting myself through intense energies or negative energies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that breathing really works, even though I have seen it work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that writing really works, even though I have seen it work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that communicating with myself is useless, that I can only find solutions by communicating with another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take out my emotions on another through blame and anger, only to then realize that through this expression, I have been able to then see myself, and so if I had simply allowed myself to support myself by expressing myself to myself, communicating with myself, then I would not have to regret what I have said to another, I would not be continuing to live in and as reaction, I would not be perpetuating the cycle of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself as reaction, as energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate the cycle. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be with myself and support myself absolutely by myself through intense or negative energies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of crying, or afraid of being angry, to be afraid of screaming or shouting, to be afraid of expressing my emotion as who I am, to be afraid of letting it out, to be afraid of it being real, to be afraid of seeing it, to be afraid of acknowledging it, to be afraid of accepting and allowing it, by which I accept and allow myself, I accept myself as who I am in my totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as my energies because of fear of expressing or manifesting the energy as expression of who I am.

I realize the energy is here. It is the consequence. It is already here. I realize the energy needs an outlet. I realize I cannot do anything about this energy, this time. I realize I can only stop this energy next time if I allow myself to see it and understand it, to really see and understand myself as who I am in this energy, and forgive myself.

I commit myself to breathe. I don't stop. I stay in the energy and I breathe. I see the energy. I allow the energy within the bounds of my own self support, so not projecting the energy onto another, not being directed by the energy, but directing myself within and as the energy, allowing myself to stay here in the energy, the energy with me, myself as the energy, to see myself in my totality, to understand myself. I breathe, and I exist, and I see. I write when I have calmed enough to write. I just start writing. If I have to start by pretending that I am writing to someone else, fine. But I commit myself to write so that I can continue to reinforce for myself that this is how I support myself and it really does work, because here in only a matter of minutes I have gone from crying, screaming, punching, stomping, blaming, to a calmness and new realizations about myself through allowing the emotion as me, staying with myself, breathing and writing.

I breathe. I always breathe. I breathe first and foremost. Breathe.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe / operate as the belief that another has deliberately abused me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another and believe they knew all along what they were doing / the consequences/effects on me. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see another as an equal: in process, learning, walking, making mistakes. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to forgive. How can I forgive? I have to understand. How can I understand? I have to communicate. I have to communicate with myself, and another. It is not one or the other. It is one and equal.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder, "how could you not know, if I knew?" I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to adapt to what I knew as what I saw. Within this I see that I deliberately abused myself by accepting and allowing myself to be abused, to be misled, because I saw it as it happened. I also see and have seen that I have deliberately abused myself and another by not directing myself in self-honesty, because I doubted myself and I trusted another more than myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and ignore my own self honesty because I believed that my self honesty was underdeveloped and I believed this other could only be honest. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself in my transitional period into my participation with desteni, where I trusted another more than I trusted myself. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to listen to myself as what I saw in another that was contradictory or inconsistent, or what I saw that did not "sit right" with me and thus was not self-honest for me, even before I knew what self-honesty was. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by rejecting myself in favor of another. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to favor another over myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hear another's "doctrine" and believe they must live by it, rather than realizing that few people live by what they believe / speak, so why would this be any different? I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to investigate for myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe this person was different. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust this person, be led by this person, and admire this person -- all of this being separation through seeing the other as superior to myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly see myself as better than the other as I saw inconsistencies and contradictions, and yet still allowed myself to follow this other rather than following myself / being my own leader. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust this person as flawless and infallible, thinking and saying "I can count on them to be honest" because they talked so much about self-honesty. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to be honest with myself and trust myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in confusion "because of" interactions with this other person wherein I have felt misled, because this person's words did not match their actions, and yet I perceived them as always right.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to steal away this person's humanity as capable of error.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immortalize this other person, which was unfair to both of us.


I realize I am errant.
I realize another is errant.
I realize we are not perfect.
I realize what I see is who I am as well.
I realize that to which I react, is who I am.
I realize any finger I could point at another, I could also point at myself.


I commit myself to breathing and being in the here and now. I commit myself to communicate with myself and another. I commit myself to understanding in order to forgive.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear freedom and nothingness and emptiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear oneness and equality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear connection, honesty, openness, and vulnerability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel vulnerable in unconditional love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being betrayed. I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself, because it is myself as these energies that I fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having this energy to hold onto anymore. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being boundless and limitless, open, nothing, one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is next. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave myself behind by existing in the past. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to learn. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to change. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to let go and move forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need energy in order to be safe, secure, and stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in this belief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stifle and suffocate myself through and as holding onto and becoming stuck in energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress energies so that they become ingrained in me. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to move through and as energies to release them and let them go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't know how to move forward, that I don't know where to go, within this creating road blocks or contingencies for moving forward, creating walls and excuses and externalized sources onto which I can project blame for my stagnation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is on the other side of the wall.

But time moves forward. So will I.

Phrasing of Self Forgiveness - Day 101

In the past when I first began writing self forgiveness I almost exclusively wrote:

"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to..."

I would then vary sometimes into saying:

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to..."

where I saw a distinction that with the former it was like something I was actively doing, ongoing, or that I did very recently, and with the latter it was something that was already behind me in my past.

I have now gotten into a groove of almost exclusively using the latter phrasing option and I find that it is like putting a distance between myself and my behavior, like a separation of time where I can, in writing "I have done this" rather than "I am actively doING this," so that I can put that little bit of distance between myself and the behavior and not fully acknowledge / take responsibility that it is something that is happenING here now as who I am, thus not effectively cleansing it through my writing through my ownership of my behavior.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself through the use of my self forgiveness phrasing in order to place distance between myself and my actions/behavior to make it seem to me like I am not actively involved presently within that which I am writing about, but that there is instead like a degree of separation which allows me to abdicate full ownership or responsibility for myself as who I am within that which I am writing about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to" while in my mind thinking/believing that this means it is automatically a thing of my past, that it is something I "have" done but I will not do it again and in fact I am not even doing it now or anymore, so that within this I can feel better about it like as if it is my "past self" who did that and not actually ME.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this distinction in my mind to have this back chat about this phrasing and to basically evade responsibility for myself as I am in the process of writing myself out in an effort to take responsibility for myself.


When and as I see myself typing my self forgiveness statements without consideration of the specific words I am using, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a step in this process of writing myself to freedom and investigating myself. I realize that part of what is important here is to actually write, and sound, these words out, and that what I write and sound is like a reprogramming of myself. So I realize that what words I use and what those words mean to me is important in terms of how I am thus reprogramming myself. So I realize that it is not 'bad' to use the words "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to" but I see that I have created a relationship with this specific phrasing that is unsupportive and evasive of full responsibility, and also that along with my back chat that has been existing with typing out these words I am enforcing this evasion of responsibility within myself. I commit myself therefore to remaining present within my self forgiveness statement writing, to selecting my words with consideration of what is self honest, and to seeing and changing myself when I am allowing back chat or evasion within the words I choose. I commit myself to ensuring that as I walk this process I do so with integrity and diligence, not as an automaton and not half-assed, as here in my writing is the first place that I can practice self honesty in the most self supportive way.

Holding Grudges and Retribution - Day 96

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to experiences within my childhood in such a way that I have created a need for myself in having others validate me as my experiences and my reactions to my experiences because I perceived that what I saw/experienced in my childhood was not acknowledged, validated, or properly addressed by the adults in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to experiences within my childhood in such a way that I have created a pattern in myself of needing to point out when others have done wrong, when others have hurt me or someone else, in an effort to receive validation and confirmation that what I have witnessed is accurate, and also as a way of bringing suffering to the "wrong-doer," to make that person suffer consequences for what they have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through this, and through continually NOT being validated by others (by which I mean that even if another "validates" my experience, I still feel invalid -- because I have not validated myself) or having any of my efforts result in a solution to whatever it has been that I have been trying to resolve, develop a pattern within myself of holding grudges against people who I feel have done wrong against me or someone about whom I care.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that there is a difference between "what I have seen" as what has actually happened, and my reactions to it, where even if another person sees the same thing I have seen, they can do so without having my same reaction, without allowing the "injustice" to consume them, and therefore, they will not share this reaction in common with me, and therefore the validation I have sought as another person validating my reaction and taking my "side" is even less likely to be found.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on and cling tightly to memories of things that other people have said or done to me that I have felt have been "wrong" or "not nice" or "mean" or whatever, because:

• I think they are actually wrong/mean
• I have reacted to what they have said or done in a painful way and I refuse to let this heal as an act of self importance and self righteousness, where if you claim someone has abused you but you have no bruises, then no one will believe you
• I have wanted another to suffer the way I have suffered, the way I have identified as them having made me suffer
• I have allowed myself to define myself through what they have said/done and so in an effort to rebel against this definition I create a need to have retribution
• I have allowed myself to define the other through what they have said/done, believing their words/actions to be indicative of who they are immutably, not allowing them room for mistakes or growth, and within this I have asserted myself as self-righteously knowing that they must be punished for what they have said/done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my grudges and steadfastness to these memories because I have believed that the other person is actually wrong or has actually done something mean, where here I realize that my perception of just about EVERYTHING is tainted by my own interpretations, reactions, assumptions, memories, judgments, beliefs, etc. and that the moment I move myself from the point of my self interest is the moment I justify and solidify it as real-to-me, as who I accept and allow myself to be and live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react, and then move from and as that reaction as if it is truth, creating entire inner realities which I try to project outward through gossip and slander and seeing that what is happening physical reality is not the same as what I have created in my mind and trying to make the two the same by continuing to assert my grudges and my sense of injustice. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to tell other people what another has said/done in order to have the satisfaction of others agreeing with me, and also within the hope that others will also turn against the "wrong-doer" and take "my side."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel and be "right" when I share with others an experience as an interaction with another person, where I want others to see/feel the way I do, and so inevitably I will manipulate my words to create a picture for the other person that will convince them that I am right. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slander other people in the hopes that they will lose some of their status within social groups, believing within this that if they are less than, I can be more than. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that here I am doing a "good thing" because "wrong-doers" "deserve" to be "punished" and also other people "deserve" to know "what that person is really like."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know what another person is "really like" but have not accepted or allowed myself to see what I am really like within this: self righteous, self important, egotistical, self centered, unstable, self ignorant, and evil. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and endorse the power of punishment as a vehicle for change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and pretend that I can facilitate another person's change for them, and that I can do so by punishing them, or manipulating environments and social groups to turn against them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want "wrong-doers" to be punished in such a way that their life will just be misery and they will not have any room for recovery but will just have to live with what they have done and feel bad about themselves and have no friends. Here I see I have not in fact wanted them to change, but have simply wanted them to suffer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn others who I feel have done wrong against me or someone about whom I care. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to promote change in all individuals toward behavior that is best for all, but instead have hoped that people who have "wronged" me will continue to "do wrong" so that everyone will see them for "who they really are" so that I can have validation and satisfaction of entire social groups turning against the people I have identified as having done wrong against me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically thus create this "wrong doer" as less than an actual person, not deserving of basic compassion and unconditional love, not allotting them any understanding or consideration of what has occurred within their lives that has promoted such behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this separation and division between individuals on the basis of words or actions, not forgiving myself or another and reuniting with all as one as equal as life, as what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as self righteous, always right, always able to see these wrong things that people do, and therefore in a position to ensure that "justice is served" where "justice" is actually just my own self interest to heal my wounds without having to do it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look at what others have done wrong but to ignore and deny what I have done wrong or otherwise resist seeing it with excuses and justifications, like as if saying to myself when I catch a glimpse of my own wrong-doings, "that's not we're talking about right now, don't change the subject!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and hold on to the things that people have said or done to/against me, where first I have reacted in the moment, and then I have held on to memories of what has happened, memories of my reaction, and then created new reactions of outrage and disbelief that anyone could "do that and get away with it."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want people to suffer. For any reason at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer, through this. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to have compassion and understanding and grace for myself: unconditional love. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to things that are said/done to/against/around me within my mind within emotional energies, and to carry this with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react AGAINST things that have come to pass as what people have said or done to me where basically I believe that what has been said or done is "wrong" and therefore I identify as the only solution to be that it never happened, but this is not possible, I cannot turn back time, and so I hold on to these memories and reactions and continue to expand them bigger and bigger rather than simply being here with myself within the physical within and as my breath, supporting myself through conflict and directing myself toward a solution that is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the things that other people say or do as definitive representations of who they are, immutably and unchangeably, and that within this I have sort of like identified them as like a "criminal" who will always strike again, a "bad person," and that within this I have not only changed my relationship to them but have created a need to change all other peoples' relationships with them through slander and the dissemination of my own opinions/beliefs/judgments about this person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize what other people do or say as being truth about me, as being definitive of who I am, where when I internalize it like this I am making it myself, I am adopting it into myself as who I am, so here it is not the other person who has made this me, it is I. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear and from and as my ego when I feel that someone else has "done wrong" against me, where I fear that I cannot make myself okay and I fear my reactions and I fear the memories that I have held onto from my childhood of conflict that was never properly addressed or resolved, I fear all of these things and so I push them away through my reaction, and where I react within and as my ego to protect my self interest and self righteousness, to believe that I am right and another wrong, to continue separation and continue endorsing the beliefs of myself as my mind.


When and as I see myself reacting to a perceived "conflict" or something someone has said or done to/against me that I perceive as having "done wrong," I stop and I breathe. I realize that what I do with this reaction will determine who I will be in this moment and the moments to come. I realize that this reaction is based in my memories, my self interest, and my limited ability to see and understand what is really happening. I realize I can only really know myself. I realize I can only really take responsibility for myself. I commit myself to seeing these reactions and stopping them in their tracks, not allowing them to accumulate, not allowing myself to justify, and not allowing myself to cultivate and nurture grudges against others because I feel wounded and like I have been done wrong. I commit myself to being HERE in the present moment in physical reality as well as HERE within myself within and as my breath, supporting myself to move through physical reality in self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all in appropriate response and self direction.

When and as I see myself wanting to reveal to another what someone has said or done "against me" which I have perceived as having "done wrong," I stop and I breathe. I realize that here I am seeking external validation and am sabotaging myself, the person I am talking to, and the person I am talking about in terms of sabotaging each individual's ability to remain present within the physical reality of the here and now. I realize that this is no best for all. I realize that this is not self honest. I realize this is not self supportive and it is not taking responsibility for myself. I commit myself to writing out my reactions, to dealing first with myself in self honesty, and then to dealing only with the other person when appropriate to do so, keeping these kinds of conflict "in house" as much as possible, respecting the other person enough to trust that they can show up to face themselves and face me and face ourselves as life as what is best for all, and also respecting myself enough to trust that I can do these things. I commit myself to cultivating compassion and unconditional love, and nurturing a practice of honest communication for mutual understanding and growth and realizations of self responsibility, as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself wanting another person to suffer or be punished for what they have said/done wrong, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not up to me, that I can only take responsibility for myself and who I am in every moment. I realize that forgiveness is key -- forgiveness of self and forgiveness of other. I commit myself to cultivating compassion and unconditional love for myself, to see when and how I have done wrong and to understand why I have done wrong, to forgive myself for it, and to investigate how I can align myself with what is best for all. I commit myself to seeing another as myself, as one and equal as life, so that in understanding and forgiving myself, I can truly self honestly understand and forgive another, not because "I should" or because "it's right," but because it is best for all: myself, other, and all life.

When and as I see myself holding a grudge or repeating words/actions of another against me in my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this means I have not forgiven myself or the other. I realize that this point must be walked specifically. I realize that allowing this grudge and these memories to continue is TOXIC chemical waste within my mind which will contribute to my mind dis-ease and will destroy my relationships with others and with myself. I commit myself to seeing these grudges and thoughts/images of words/actions, and investigating them specifically as to what it is I am believe I am missing that I am trying to fill or resolve through these behaviors. I commit myself to walking self forgiveness on these points to see who I really am here, to forgive myself for that, and to commit myself to change, then to apply myself to change, to be changed. 

The War Within - Day 90

My first meme haha

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think hateful thoughts and judgments about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project every possible hateful thought and judgment I could possibly imagine or make up about myself outward so that I have convinced myself not only that these thoughts/judgments are true but that they are coming from other people, and that I am merely somehow magically (I don't even question this) intuiting or sensing that others feel this way about me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to ask myself how the fuck I am supposedly receiving transmissions of what other people are thinking about me but have simply said "no that's what they think," "that must be true" and then operated from and as the belief that this is in fact what other people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to seek clarity on what another might be thinking about me in order to understand what is happening and not be directed by my fears of what I am afraid they are thinking about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this believe that others are the "enemy" because I perceive that others are constantly attacking and berating me as their judgments and beliefs about me -- judgments and beliefs which I experience in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how this is all occurring within my own mind and that there is no possible way that I can know what other people think/believe/feel/judge about me, that for me to even think I know this is indication that I have created the judgments about myself in the first place, and thus they are judgments I have about myself, and thus I am acting here as my own enemy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wage war against myself, deliberately separating from and turning against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized at the projections of these judgments onto others where I believe that others hate me and are attacking me and judging me, and so in reaction to this I become defensive and or offensive, where I then judge others the same way I have created for myself to believe that they are judging me, as a defense, as a way to hurt them like I have believed they are hurting me, not realizing that here I am hurting myself, and them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy friendships and relationships and opportunities because of this paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about meeting new people or being in social settings because of this paranoia and this belief that this is simply "what other people do to me" or how they feel about me in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project all of these judgments as coming from others like as a defense mechanism so that I am already on the defense so that I can "protect" myself so that no one else can hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create others as both the problem and the solution, so that I am not taking responsibility for myself in any way, not even realizing or understanding the equation, so obviously not finding the solution within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so sick and convoluted within my mind's patterns and perceptions of who I am and who others are, that I have only ever really related within and as myself, myself against myself, and that I have projected all of this outward as a way to justify and excuse the thoughts/beliefs and a way to victimize myself and place blame outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted or allowed myself to question any of this or to see how convoluted it really is, how it doesn't make sense to believe that others are all always judging me, that I can't know these judgments without them telling me, and then also that I need others then to accept me and approve of me in order for me to not be hurt, marred, wounded, or made to be less than by these judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these judgments to be definitive as who I am, indicative of my worth, regardless of the source of the judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these judgments and these projections to be a daily part of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this cancer of my mind, wherein I am attacking and killing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to persist and grow in some friendships or relationships where I never stop to ask the other person how they really feel or explain/express how I feel but instead just continue on in chains of reactions to and as my own mind systems.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see this as it is happening until only recently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build walls as defenses left and right, thinking that these walls will protect me because they will keep others out, believing others to be the enemy, not realizing that I am the enemy and these walls are here to keep me in the confines of the disease of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that these walls are providing the division of space for emptiness to fester so that I sense voids within myself, voids I have constructed, and then voids that I seek to fill by external sources.


When and as I see myself thinking in my mind "they must think this about me" or "none of them like me" or "this person hates me" etc., I stop and I breathe. I realize there is no possible way for me to know what another person thinks without me talking to them. I realize that these judgments are sourced within and as myself. I commit myself to investigating my self judgments.

When and as I see myself projecting hatred toward others, I stop and I breathe. I look at myself to see why I am doing this -- Do I feel the need to protect myself, to defend myself? Have I projected my own self judgments onto them as being sourced by them? I realize that we are all one and equal, and that when I hate another I am hating myself, one and equal. I commit myself to stop this cycle of hatred and to move myself within and as unconditional love, accepting and supporting myself as life as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself "relating" to another from my perception of their judgments of me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am not relating to the other at all, but am interacting and reacting only within and as my own mind as my beliefs and assumptions and judgments. I realize that it is here that I can engage in open honest communication for mutual understanding, so I commit myself to doing so.

Work Ethic and My Nasty Nature - Day 66

Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments for I Work Hard, But Not at My Job - Day 65

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I work hard at my job, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as an excuse to not work hard in other areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert energy and effort and time into how to "get through" my day where I am not enjoying my job or being present with my job responsibilities but am instead engaging in near constant backchat, dissatisfaction, justification, and even distraction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my working hours as time to distract myself, perform mindless tasks on my phone, and to engage in other self-interested pursuits such as reading desteni blogs, which is in no way a part of my job description. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ignore my work and what I was supposed to do at work in favor of silly phone games or reading blogs or checking facebook. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up within and as my mind, my thoughts, my self-interest, my distractions, and my beliefs that I react with anger or resentment or impatience when another person requests or demands my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label this job as "too easy" and that within this I have found reason to be dissatisfied, to disrespect the job, to feed my ego as me being more important than this job, better than this job, too good for this job. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to take this opportunity to enjoy the ease of the job, or to create challenges for myself and do an above average excellent job. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter, angry, and resentful within this job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so fucking ugly at this job. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to, deceive, and manipulate myself and others within this job and my performance at this job, where I have deliberately ignored and denied that I am not doing a good job, have justified/excused my poor job performance/work ethic, and have blamed anyone but myself for all of this. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed any of this to get this far.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on this job when I found out it would be temporary. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react within blame, judgment, anger, resentment, and as my ego and pride when I found out this position would be temporary, when I was effectively let go. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to be present in each moment of this job, to see the challenge of each moment, to meet the challenge of each moment, and to direct myself in self-honesty as what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to respect and appreciate the opportunity I have had in having decent paying employment in my field until I was able to secure a new job. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see how disgusting and disgraceful this is. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to do all of this under so many various justifications and excuses, including that it is a temporary position and that because it is temporary, I am not invested, and I do not "have to" do a good job. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place my motivation for doing a good job outside myself, where it has been external influences which I have allowed myself to blame for not doing a good job, and it has also been external lacks which I have blamed for not allowing myself to do a good job. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to do a good job for and as myself as what is self-honest and best for all. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and then sustain through my participation all of these layers of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, reactions, and other self-interested pursuits such that I have been extremely dissatisfied in my job and have only fed and fostered that dissatisfaction, until I have created for myself a depressed state. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think some of the nastiest things I have probably ever thought in relation to this job and my assignment. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really see myself within these thoughts but instead separated myself from my work self such that I excused and justified the person I allowed myself to be at work through blaming my supervisors, blaming my assignment, blaming the temporary status, blaming memories of my old job, blaming all of the many things I thought I could not control, where here I abdicated responsibility for myself within the belief that I could not control myself, that it was all of these various factors that were what were making me this way, this nasty way, and thus within this I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take ownership of myself, to see that I am always myself, who I am in every moment is who I am as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be: no one but myself creates me. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see just how problematic all of this really was sooner, that it took me entering a depressed state for me to realize the consequences of what I was accepting and allowing within myself. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see myself earlier, to deal with all of this earlier, to face each of those thoughts and beliefs and backchats as they came up so that I could expand myself as my understanding of myself and direct myself within self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to face myself in this sooner so that I could do a better job for the person who was most affected by my job: my assignment. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the independence afforded me in this job, to abuse the lack of supervision, to abuse my power in relation to this person, to abuse this person, and to abuse myself by not taking responsibility for myself or being honest with myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this abusive unequal relationship where I have only been equal to and one with that which I have created myself to be, which is ugly and nasty and abusive. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exert so much of myself into creating myself as this nastiness. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see sooner the ease and freedom in releasing myself from my self interest within and as my mind and allowing myself to exist in the moment in self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself the room to breathe here in this moment. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choke and suffocate and strangle myself with my self interest, where here I have seen that once I finally allowed myself to breathe and to see myself and to take responsibility for myself in each moment in each breath, to release myself from my mind, to not carry my thoughts and back-chats around with me like heavy weights or reasons to continue in those negative energies... here I have seen ease, freedom, stability, growth, expansion, and a sense of finally having room to breathe, fresh air, not the recycled stuffy polluted air of my mind. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wait so long to discover that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to vaguely with ill-formed rationale blame Desteni for who I have allowed myself to be in this job. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflictual mind energy around what I have perceived about Desteni and what I have perceived about this job without actually seeing either or seeing myself as what is common sensically and self honestly best for all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistake my relationship with and perceptions about and reactions to Desteni as actually Desteni or as what is self-honest or what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxieties and self doubt about myself and my work abilities by observing myself within this job, by seeing how I have been within this job, but by not seeing how I have accepted and allowed and thus created myself this way, and not seeing that I can create myself any way, I can direct myself any way, and that if I take responsibility for myself within self honesty, and if I have a little confidence in myself, then I can do an excellent job, because I am well-equipped and well-prepared to work in this field. 

by Rozelle De Lange

When and as I see myself participating in backchat, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interest, I stop and I breathe. I realize that justifying and allowing myself to continue on these courses is how they become me, and I become them. I realize that I am whoever I accept and allow myself to be, as whatever I accept and allow myself to do, think, say, believe, want, need. I realize that when I am actually SEEING myself doing this, I am in the position to stop it. I commit myself to really actually fucking stopping it when I see it so clearly as I have in this job. I commit myself to not ignoring it or denying it or justifying it or rationalizing it. 

When and as I see myself experiencing dissatisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there are probably backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests that I am not seeing or recognizing clearly. So here I commit myself to watch myself to see myself to investigate myself and see who I really am here. 

When and as I see myself experiencing dissatisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that allowing myself to continue in dissatisfaction, to continue to feed my dissatisfaction through and as my backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests, is to set myself on the course for an experience of depression, because within all of this I am abdicating responsibility for and as myself, I am lying to myself and not being self-honest, and therefore it only makes sense that I will experience mental/mind dis-ease, that I will begin to feel hopeless and helpless within the constructs I have made for myself in my mind, where when I allow these backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests, there is no way out: when I am dissatisfied, there is no way to be satisfied. I realize these are all structures I have constructed in my mind as what I have accepted and allowed within myself. I commit myself to free myself of the structures of my mind, of the rigidity of my mind, of the constraints of my mind. I commit myself to release myself from and as being the wants and needs and desires and fears of my mind. I commit myself to stop being controlled by my mind as the system I have installed in my mind. 

When and as I see myself limiting myself within my beliefs about myself in my work abilities and capacities, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am well prepared and equipped and qualified for the jobs that I have been offered and have held. I realize that if I apply myself in self honesty and self responsibility, I can achieve much more than I can even imagine. I realize that I am not expected to be perfect by anyone but myself. I realize that I am likely not seen as a failure by anyone but myself. I realize that all of the reactionary emotions and beliefs that I have created about my new job and myself in my new job are exactly my own creation and nothing else, and thus this is how I am creating myself, so I realize that moving forward toward my new job in fear and apprehension and self doubt will manifest failure. I commit myself to take practical steps to prepare myself for this job, such as reading the PBIS website, reading books pertinent to the population with which I will be working, and maintaining openness within my mind where I do not allow myself to imagine or expect any particular thing but realize that I cannot know and must "wait and see." I commit myself to creating myself in self-honesty and self-responsibility as equal and one to all life as what is best for all, as the creator and destroyer of myself as who I accept and allow myself to be.