SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112

This post contains some perhaps seemingly disjointed self forgiveness in response to a post I made on the forum. This is a partial post of going through and applying self forgiveness just on one portion of what I learned through this forum thread, thanks to the support of my peers (specifically Carrie for this portion).


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of myself within the midst of an emotional storm. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am the eye/I of the storm -- the storm is me, and within this I can be calm, within this eye can see. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really just stop and breathe in an emotional storm, but to instead remain in the frenetic mind energy, the electricity and static of the storm, pulled out into the body of the tornado. Within this thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as beliefs that I am helpless, powerless, and incapable within this emotional experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that I cannot see myself or gauge myself as my own reference point for who I am, because I have basically let myself go and abandoned myself within the emotion, surrendering completely to the winds of the storm, and believing that it is beyond myself to end this storm, that I am in need of outside intervention or validation or sympathy, rather than realizing that I am responsible for myself and all that I am, and I can stop.

When and as I see myself existing in a state of extreme emotional turmoil, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that these emotions have been created and activated through my participation within and as my mind. So here my focus and commitment is to really just stop, and breathe, and continue this until I am stable, back here with myself in and as the physical.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate pretty much everything through back chat, but, what if, ambivalence, judgment, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in so many facets of myself as my mind all at once, conflicting, vacillating, thus being very unsure. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to simplify what I see as myself, narrowing in on and refining the actual point, and seeing in simplicity what must be done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to add so many unnecessary complications through self doubt and self judgment.

When and as I see myself complicating matters through and as my mind, I stop and I breathe. Again here my primary commitment is to simply stop, breathe, and come back to myself as the physical, out of my mind through and as my breath. I realize that it is within this tendency to over-complicate that I overwhelm myself, thus very clearly creating the experience of overwhelmingness. I realize thus that this is a mechanism to keep me entrapped within and as my mind, as my belief that I am incapable of walking out, "it is too hard, it is too complicated, there is too much." I commit myself to ask questions of myself, pointed questions, to find the point of what I am seeing, and face that point, one point at a time. I commit myself to fine tuning my ability to simplify and assess "the point" within an experience through looking at the complications and asking myself what of all of this is really self honest, and eliminating/walking through what is self dishonest, then seeing what is left. I commit myself to the realization that the simplest answer is usually the right one, and that this really isn't a complicated process, it is simply myself as the mind which complicates it.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that the process I am walking is lifelong. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that this is a race. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I should be" at a certain point at any given moment, believing that I should be anywhere other than exactly where I am, because here I am, I am here, and anywhere else is leaving and abandoning myself, rejecting myself, denying and disowning myself, not showing up here to be within and as myself in self support and self honesty and self responsibility.

When and as I see myself engaging within and as a belief about where I shouldn't or shouldn't be, or who I should or shouldn't be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am right here, right now. I realize that this is where the next step is, this is where the next point is, here where I am now. I realize that there is nowhere else even to go, except always here, always now. So I commit myself to releasing myself from these judgments -- they do not support me -- and realigning myself within and as the physical as this moment I am in right now, as what is in front of me in this moment.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really listen to myself as what I need or want for myself to take care of myself, but instead always doubting myself and questioning my "wants/needs" where at first I questioned these because I saw them as always being projected outward as "wanting" or "needing" something from another and so I judged this as "wrong," judged therefore that "wanting" and "needing" something is "wrong," not realizing that having "wants" and "needs" is valid, and I can give to myself that which I "want" and "need" -- I do not need to seek it from another. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see how if I do not listen to myself as my "wants" and "needs," I will never change, because I will maintain exactly who I am in this moment, believing I should not "want" or "need" anything. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically reject and deny myself of my own wants/needs and judging them and myself as wrong for existing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misunderstand this point, not allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am communicating with myself within my wants and needs, that this communication is valid, it's just that it's directed at me, not another. So I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I communicate with myself every day -- I just listen selectively based on my self judgments and self doubts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect myself within this misunderstanding, wherein I did not consider that this might be the case, that my wants/needs are valid, but that I am the one who is here to fulfill them, and I did not consider that I might actually NEED to listen to myself, to give to myself first my own listening, and then that which I want/need. I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to listen to myself as what I am communicating to myself daily as my wants/needs for myself. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see how I can support myself through my own wants/needs. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself so thoroughly that I have denied my own wants/needs as valid, wherein I have thought I should not want or need anything, I should be okay "as is" -- which inevitably also means remaining unchanged. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore what I am communicating to myself, not even realizing or understanding that I am communicating to myself, that my "cries for help" are directed at myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I say I want to build a supportive relationship with myself = this takes communication with myself, and listening to myself. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss this integral piece of a relationship/agreement with myself, which is to communicate effectively with and listen to myself, and gift myself with actually supporting myself through that which is communicated as what I want or need for myself.

So when and as I see myself second-guessing or doubting myself, I stop and I breathe. I assess whether or not what I am communicating to myself is self-honest to the best of my abilities. I realize it is not the end of the world if I don't assess this accurately. I realize that this takes some trial and error to figure out and test what is really self honest and how I can trust myself, and learn how to listen to and understand myself. I realize that I do not really know myself, and getting to know someone takes time and patience, and also not giving up, not shutting out. I realize that it is better that I listen to myself in self honesty than that I shut myself out in fear that I am making a mistake or am somehow wrong within my wants/needs. I also realize that the belief/fear that I am wrong within my wants/needs is a self-judgment, and it does not support me, and so by moving myself by my self-judgments and fears, I am not supporting myself, thus neglecting myself, thus abusing myself, thus abusing life. So I commit myself to considering myself in self honesty, separate from all that I have perceived and internalized as being "right" or "wrong," because here I see I have integrated and internalized and adopted some information inaccurately with some misunderstanding. So I trust mySELF, not what I believe I have learned. I come back too to the realization that self support is primary, that I cannot do anything if I do not support myself, and I am the best, indeed only, person to know what I want/need to support myself. So I commit myself to actually listening to myself, or learning to do this, and adapting my behavior to support myself as applying what I communicate to myself in self honesty and self responsibility.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out "permission" from others or to use others as a reference point for who/how I should be, taking cues from others and then directing myself in alignment with my perception of those cues, where here I also project my own self judgments and blame and beliefs into these perceptions of who/how others are as my reference point, so that I am not even really following the suggestions of who/how others are and adapting/applying to myself in self honest consideration / interpretation / adaptation, but am mixing that perception with judgment and beliefs, so further entrapping myself in my mind as my self doubt and self judgments, allowing my mind to interpret what I see however I as my mind sees fit in order to keep me participating in my mind and keep me stuck, and within the projection of judgments and beliefs also projecting blame, so that as I apply what I believe I am observing in another, and if that application seems to not work out well, I allow myself the space to blame the other, the person I observed or read or heard, because I believe that they misinformed me, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding how I impressed my own self judgments and beliefs onto the whole dynamic of adoption, adaptation, and application, not seeing, realizing, or understanding that I did not stand stable as one whole within myself in my observation, but that instead I believed I had to be like this person, and I believed I had to behave in a way that this person would approve of, a process which in and of itself is not self honest, opening thus the pathways for transferring blame. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see others as who/how they are simply as other individuals from which I might learn and gain new perspectives which may or may not apply to me readily, and also see myself as who/how I am simply as myself, also self directive within this, and within this to cooperate with myself in cooperating with others to find solutions that are best for me and therefore best for all.

When and as I see myself seeking permission from others for who I am or how I might want to change, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it really doesn't matter if another person thinks my idea is great, because here my starting point is not self honest. I realize that moving myself by what I perceive as being what others want or encourage me to be, is not self honest, and sets me up to not be accountable unto myself, but to instead transfer blame for who I accept and allow myself to be onto another, believing that they misinformed or misled me, believing that they should have been more careful with the example they set, not seeing, realizing, or understanding that no other person besides myself allowed myself to integrate that "example" as what I perceived / interpreted into and as myself as my living application or process. I commit myself to always absolutely returning all points back to myself, including thus my starting point, realizing that I am always the person who moves myself, no other, and so however I move myself is my responsibility, and so in order to take responsibility for myself in every moment, to move myself responsibly, I must start with myself, moving from within and as myself.


I forgive myself for never accepting or allowing myself to really listen to myself within this process, wherein I have for example known that I have at times wanted or needed to apply more studying of desteni material as a priority above daily writing in my blog, or otherwise re-prioritize my daily living time, but have not followed through on this because I have not listened to this communication of myself to myself, instead wishing/waiting for someone else to tell me this is a good idea, thus myself not believing in or trusting myself to make my own decisions about my own direction within my process. I also thus forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still continue to engage within and as my ego as I walk this process, wanting to always be here every day writing a blog so that other people can see that I am consistent and so that I can continue to maintain beliefs about myself as my ego, making my writing process thus about maintaining my ego, even as I try to dissect it and break it down. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore not really actually support myself in my process because I have not listened to myself as the ways I have wanted/needed support, where to me it has actually been important to prioritize for myself increased integration of the support available already online through eqafe, the forum, and reading others' blogs.

Thus I commit myself to letting go of my expectation of myself to write every day. I commit myself to writing when and as I want/need to write, as I communicate and listen to myself. I commit myself still to spending time each day supporting and developing and expanding myself, a process which is walked in every moment, but I commit myself to setting aside moments each day specifically for educating myself through the desteni material, writing out points when and as I face them, and sharing in my blog when and as I see fit. I commit myself to taking control of my process as who I am, directing myself in self honesty, instead of directing myself as judgments, beliefs, and expectations.


I commit myself to really walking this process for myself, as myself, and by myself.

Building Self-Support: Judging --> Suppressing --> Not Seeing - Day 32

Today I want to look some more at some of what I wrote about within Building Self-Support: Facing My Relationship with Writing in My Blog -- Day 30 and Building Self-Support: Self-Supportive Writing Self Forgiveness - Day 31, specifically what I have been trying to identify and describe within some of the resistance that I face to writing wherein I sense a lack of clarity within myself to where I have a difficult time formulating words that I feel are self-honest and "cutting through the bullshit," especially in a way that sort of gets me "on a role" in my writing to where I experience it as productive, supportive, and conclusive in terms of self-discovery.

I've been engaging in a very supportive conversation on the forum where I realized by and through writing and was finally able to pinpoint that this experience of a lack of clarity may be coming from my participation within and as self-suppression. I have been struggling throughout the entirety of my process thus far with pretty consistent self-judgments to where I have for whatever reason established within myself expectations to automatically change and also to disengage from energetic experiences upon the identification of realizations of what I have accepted and allowed. Within this I am separating myself from my energetic experiences in the sense that I am identifying them as "bad" or "wrong" or "not what I am supposed to experience" and therefore disown and deny them by suppressing them with the expectation that, within "seeing" that they are "bad" or "wrong" or "not what I am supposed to experience," I should be able to just not experience them. 

So here I am:

1. Not allowing myself the time and space required for this process
• By establishing expectations of myself that cut out all of the steps between realization and actualization, which IS process. 
2. Mistaking my judgments of myself and my experience as seeing truth and reality
• My energetic experiences are NOT "bad" or "wrong" or "not what I am supposed to experience" but they ARE unsupportive of myself and ineffective in establishing stability within myself in oneness and equality with what is best for all life. 
• Within this the solution is not to "disengage" with the energetic experiences but to in fact:
• see them, own them, see how I create them (self-honesty)
• realize consequences / patterns / how the program runs/ends
• forgive them 
• test supportive effective solutions through commitments to myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself engaging or participating within and as these energetic experiences and to direct myself as myself toward what is best for all 
• reflect upon that and adjust as necessary and as becomes further clear to me as what is best for all in equality and oneness. 
3. Separating myself from myself by suppressing/denying/disowning aspects of myself
• As if to amputate a part of myself and then claim it is not-me when in reality all is me and I am all, equal and one as life. 

So the experience of a lack of clarity is the consequential experience of suppression of myself to where I have a hard time finding words to self-honestly support myself through writing precisely because I am not being self-honest but am closing my eyes to myself to where when and as I see myself participating within and as energetic reactions I shut them out and suppress in an attempt to eradicate them rather than actually face them, see them, and process them through self-forgiveness and self-commitments and then living my applications in order to change myself.

So what is the practical living application solution to this? Here I see myself as I am writing this judging myself within the potential/probable future instances where I will face this lack of clarity in my writing and within that judgment I am saying to myself that by writing this I should be able to eradicate myself of this experience and no longer face a lack of clarity in my writing, but since I will face it again, what is the point? Here I have just written on this and yet here I am once again skipping all of the steps that make this a process! What is the next step in this process? 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to adapt the definition of the word "process" to meet and suit my own judgments of how I should be able to change, and within this placing impractical unsupportive expectations on myself of how I should change, and within this judge myself when I do not change. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form this pattern within my writing process to where these expectations and judgments have been strengthened and solidified through repeated interactions and engagements and participation within and as them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into this pattern even within my writing about this pattern. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge parts of myself as if they are separate from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny, disown, reject, and suppress parts of myself and my experience and therefore deny, disown, reject, and suppress myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually judge myself within my process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify my judgments as truth and to identify them as self-honesty rather than as a reaction to what I am afraid to see within self-honesty. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my judgments of myself rather than, once again, simply see them. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply see myself. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be objectively honest within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see myself. 

When and as I see myself "forgetting" what a "process" is, what this process is, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot get from A to Z without all the steps in between, and that trying to do so is denying the very definition of a process. I commit myself to further investigate the meaning of the word "process" so that I can re-align myself with practical expectations of myself within my process so that when and as I "remind" myself that I am "walking my process," I can associate with that patience to give myself the time and space required to walk process point-by-point, moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath. 

When and as I see myself judging myself within my energetic experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my energetic experiences are my own creation, but so are my judgments of them. I realize that judging myself and my energetic experiences is unproductive and ineffective in creating change within and as myself. I realize that when I judge my energetic reactions, I am not really seeing them and myself as them but am placing a buffer of judgment between myself and them to where I am disowning, denying, and rejecting them as not-me, but they are me, and the only way to change them is if I change me as me as all of me. I commit myself to shift this pattern when and as I see myself engaging in it so that I can really see myself and can support myself within self-honesty to be responsible for myself as all of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. 

The Migraineur - Day 16

It has recently come to my attention through the responses I received in a forum post I made that one prominent source of migraines, which I have experienced chronically for the last 6 years, is mind energy. Prior to this I had identified the following as the primary sources of my migraines:

• Not enough water
• Too much chocolate
• Poor spinal alignment/posture 
• Stress (within this I see now that it is more my accepted & allowed reactions to and as stress, not the actual "stressors" themselves)
• Too much strenuous thinking (which is mind energy)

I now add to the list:

• Cognitive dissonance, wherein my mind (un)reality is not in alignment with actual reality 
• Living within and as self-dishonest behaviors (thoughts, words, actions)
• The approach of a change or shift within myself (not sure how much this is my experience within and as my migraines, but I want to consider it)
• Fear
• Living within and as a need to control my environment and other people so as to suit my self-interests 

The second list is preliminary and is just a starting point for looking at and considering an expansion on my understanding of the sources of my migraines. 

I also, upon searching for confirmation of the spelling of "migraineur" (a person who experiences migraines), found as a suggested search in google the "migraineurs personality," so I clicked and found a page about the prevalence of "personality disorders" in migraineurs, one of which was suggested to be "borderline personality disorder." This is not a point I have discussed at all here, but I have been wanting to at some time. I have not been "diagnosed" with borderline personality disorder by any of the numerous therapists I have seen in my life, but even despite my awareness of my tendency toward hypochondria I have come to accept many of the "symptoms" of BPD as appropriate identifications of various patterns I have accepted and allowed within and as myself. So, it seems I must also consider the link between these various "symptoms" and patterns and my migraines. 

Having experienced migraines for the past 6 years and gone through various forms of intervention from therapeutic massage to chiropractic care to abortive/onset medication to daily suppressive medication to over the counter drugs and most recently to yoga, increased self-awareness within and as migraines, and the sometimes-utilized ibuprofen pm before bed, as well as heating pads and ice packs, I... actually see myself as somewhat prepared to take on this next step of increasing my self-awareness within and as my migraines within the context of mind energy. 

The funny thing is, when I started writing that sentence, I was not going to end it that way... I was trying originally to say that "I have experienced migraines for 6 years, so this is going to be really hard and deeply ingrained to figure out!" Which was a way of excusing my resistance to really facing this point... But as I wrote out the many ways I have already attempted to face this point throughout these 6 years, I see that by facing myself within and as my migraines within and as my mind energy, I am simply progressing to the next step as I should be, which is cool! It is still intimidating to me, though, to think of trying to face my migraines as mind energy, especially since it has been suggested that I do so while I am experiencing a migraine. Typically I live within and as my migraines as incapable and in "too much pain" to function properly, and just want to sleep. 

But within that there have been so very many times when I have had a migraine but also had something I really wanted to do or participate in, and I have been able to, either through the migraine, or in fact through the cessation of the migraine. So motivation & resistance are really the main factors there. I am my migraine and so I direct my migraine; it does not direct me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my migraines such that I allow them to influence and determine my ability to direct myself and think, converse, and interact with and as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my migraines such that I dislike my migraines and blame them for ways that I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my migraines as an excuse to not fully express myself and participate within and as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize my migraines as my body communicating to, with, and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that my migraines are out of my control aside from physical interventions. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify "stress" and "stressful situations" as a trigger for migraines even when and as I see that it is really my reaction to and as stress that influences whether or not I experience a migraine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my body's need for water such that I get a migraine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not diligently and seriously adjust and align my posture in every moment so as to live within and as optimal spinal alignment so as to respect my body and prevent the experience of a migraine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to for so long feed myself strong prescriptive medications with moderate-to-severe side-effects as a way of staving off the symptoms of migraines rather than facing the causes of the migraines. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within and as being intimidated at and overwhelmed by the prospect of self-honestly and self-responsibly facing my migraines, especially within and as my mind energy. What's up with that? A potential solution is seen here, and I resist it! 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the easy way out, the quick fix, or the way that allows me to not take full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and my activities when and as I experience a migraine. 

Getting close to starting Self Corrective Statements in DIP Lite! :)