Addiction & Consequences of Behavior - Day 140

I've not wanted to look at the point of substance abuse from an addiction perspective in part because I have been in denial that I am "addicted." I have never seen my "problem" as "that bad" in comparison to what I have seen in others, or I have especially not seen myself as having a "food addiction" because I have seen addiction as only being about drugs. But my brain produces chemicals found in drugs, food contains chemicals, digestion involves chemical reactions, and addiction is as much about behavior as it is about chemicals.

Addiction is "the the repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences."

Behavioral addiction is "a compulsion to repeatedly engage in an action until it causes negative consequences to the person's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being."

(Interesting: "until" -- like as if one is pushing the envelope of behavior to the point of consequences -- purposeful self punishment / abuse. Then, will one stop? Is one addicted to the consequence / punishment / shame / guilt, or to the behavior itself? Both?)

Food addiction is "characterized by the compulsive overeating of food. 

Signs and symptoms:

• Binge eating, or eating uncontrollably even when not physically hungry
• Eating much more rapidly than normal
• Eating alone due to shame and embarrassment
• Feelings of guilt due to overeating
• Preoccupation with body weight
• Depression or mood swings
• Awareness that eating patterns are abnormal
• Rapid weight gain or sudden onset of obesity
• Significantly decreased mobility due to weight gain
• History of weight fluctuations
• Withdrawal from activities because of embarrassment about weight
• History of many different unsuccessful diets
• Eating little in public, but maintaining a high body weight
• Very low self-esteem and feeling need to eat greater and greater amounts."

Cravings "may be triggered by seeing objects or experiencing moments that are associated with the drug or usage of it, and this phenomenon, termed post acute withdrawal syndrome, may linger the rest of the life for some drugs."

How did I come today to see my relationship with food as an addiction? When I was driving, and the car approaching behind me was a particular shade of grey, and this reminded me of a telling sign of what I believe to be an especially delicious cookies n cream milk shake, where the white of the ice cream turns grey because the milkshake is so saturated with oreo cookies. Then, I wanted a milkshake. Of course, this wasn't the first craving I had in the last couple days.

Similarly as I have tried on and off to quit drinking wine, I'll have a moment in my day where I can taste the wine on my own breath, even though I've not had wine that day, and then I will crave it. 

Or craving the feeling of smoke in my throat, or the exhalation of smoke into the air. Even coughing, and the feeling of the chemicals taking effect after the exertion of coughing, and the tightness in my chest. 

Various things will trigger these cravings, where within my mind I am always looking for that drug, that chemical and behavioral fix. 

What is interesting to me with the description about cravings too is where it says "this phenomenon ... may linger the rest of the life." What I have already known even during periods when I have not recognized my relationship with food and my weight as being unhealthy is that nonetheless I could not totally get away from the thoughts. And I have noticed it also with self-injury, a deliberate behavior on my part with severe far-reaching psychological consequences, where, even though I have not engaged in the behavior in over 7 years, still I go to it in my mind as a "solution" during times of distress / emotional turmoil. So I allowed myself to deliberately participate / engage in behaviors which I knew would probably stay with me as who I am, as through my repetition and the thoughts and judgments and emotional/feeling energy I created to accompany the behaviors I programmed them into me as automatic response systems to triggering stimuli. 

So I'll start there, with who I was as a teenager and how I am facing the consequences of that today:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in and perpetuate participation within and as behaviors which turn into addictions / behavioral addictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in selfish self-centered self-interested self-abusive behaviors which have consequences which reach beyond that moment as that momentary fix or the immediate consequences thereof, which in fact have consequences spanning the rest of my life as who I am as what I have programmed into myself through my behavior as action and thought. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the far-reaching consequences of my behavior, to not think about myself as who I am in all of time for all my life, instead only selfishly thinking from my perspective the present moment as that present desire or distress which I cope with through self abusive behaviors. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility and control of myself over to my behaviors through addiction through engaging in behaviors compulsively, ignoring what other options there are for supporting myself in that moment, instead giving into the behavior in such a way where I have in some part of me believed that if I could give myself over to this behavior enough, then I would not have to be responsible for myself anymore, I would have the excuse of an addiction, the excuse of my having a tragic existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately give over my responsibility for myself and control of myself to my behaviors because I have secretly hoped that my behaviors will spiral truly out of my control to the point where I will "qualify" for assistance / treatment / special treatment, others might pity me / sympathize with me, and I will "need help" and not be able to help myself anymore.

I forgive myself therefore for basically pushing myself under water, drowning myself, watching myself gasp for air but continue to push down until that point is reached when I might need someone else to rescue me.

I forgive myself therefore for effectively within that metaphor damaging my lungs through suffocation and drowning as engaging in self abusive behaviors, damaging my ability to support myself absolutely because now I must heal and re-learn behaviors and walk through the consequences before I can get to the point of stability, whereas if I had simply stopped and breathed before creating all of these consequences of addiction, then I would already be stable, supporting myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sort of like fantasize about the kind of "beautiful tragedy" that is being out of control and pitiful, to want to push myself to that limit so that I am no longer in my own hands, so that the only way up again is for another to lift me... I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to want to be saved, wanting to be saved so badly that I create myself as in danger and at-risk. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be "that girl" that people whisper about, that people pity, that people sympathize with, that people want to help but just don't know quite what to do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want myself and my problems to be a topic of concern for others, where here I have deliberately and actively sabotaged myself so as to get myself to such a point of internal devastation that my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with myself would show on the outside, and another might notice, and save me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk through life as a too-skinny teenager with cuts on her arms, wondering if anyone noticed, wondering if anyone would say anything, and getting mad when no one did, and also mad when someone did. Within this I see that in this path in this mind set I would never be happy or satisfied. I would always create a problem, a reason to remain in distress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always and continually create problems as energy to hold onto within my mind. 

I forgive myself that I am now facing the consequences of what I created and participated within and as in my mind as who I was as a teenager and what I thought would be a good course for myself in growing up as depressed, problematic, broken. 

I commit myself to be my own savior as now I stand up for myself in self support and stability, taking responsibility for myself as who I was and am, moving through consequences and stopping my participation here and now, to create no more negative consequences for myself in the future, to stabilize myself here in my breath in self honesty, self support, and self responsibility.

In a continuation to this post I will have a closer look at "food addiction" and continue to walk self forgiveness in my relationship to food and my weight / body image as well as specifically cravings / monementalizing moments of memories that I wish to relive through craving. 

Showing Up for Myself Part 6: Substance Abuse - Day 120

It's been over a month since I first wrote this post about showing up for myself, wherein I was brain storming and problem solving an experience of depression, and I have revisited every point since then except the last one:

I also know that there are points which I do not wish to change, and that there are ways I am actively not supporting myself which I could easily write about but have not because I have not wanted to make commitments to myself to change. For example, eating very unhealthy foods in the absence of anything healthy or nutritious (which obviously is going to contribute to this problem of tiredness and lethargy).

• I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to face myself within certain points and write out certain points because I already know that I do not want to change them, because I want to continue to indulge in these self abusive behaviors and continue to avoid responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize the benefit of supporting myself through self change, through taking responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to self sabotage because "I like it" or "it's fun" or even within an awareness of punishment where I know that this behavior will push me further into negative experiences that will cloud and stifle my ability to direct myself within self honesty and self responsibility. 

• When and as I see myself avoiding walking a point out of a fear of having to change that point, or a resistance to changing that point right now/yet, I stop and I breathe. I realize that even if I do not change the point right away, I can support myself in seeing who I am within that behavior, how it does or does not benefit me, how it is or is not what is best for all, how it does or does not serve to support myself in self responsibility. Within facing and seeing and writing out the point I can see why I should change and thus support myself to actually change. So I commit myself to seeing myself always in self honesty and self responsibility, to writing out who I am in various behaviors/points, and to making practical commitments to myself that I can keep, building on commitments so that I do in fact change. 

Here's the problem:

I came home every single day this week, except one where I had plans with family, and drank half a bottle of wine and a cookies n cream milkshake. I do this generally as the last item on my "to-do" list for the evening, within the realization that once I've had wine I won't be expecting myself to do anything else, because it has such a strong effect / I drink so much. I did this also back when I smoked every day. I would come home, do whatever I absolutely had to do, and then let it all go and (ab)use substance. With smoking there would sometimes be things I would do while high (chores, art, yoga, hang out with friends, etc., and, of course, watch TV), but for the past week with drinking, I pretty much just sit there and watch TV. I stopped smoking before I began my JTL blog so that was never an issue, but here now with drinking I would not expect myself to write a blog after drinking.

So, basically, this means that all day I am looking forward to that moment in time when I will allow myself to abuse substance, to drink, or, in the past, smoke. Work is work, it's fine, I'm there, I'm doing my job, it's cool (and actually I am really enjoying my new job a lot so far!). Then I come home and I start looking at the clock. How much time can I preserve to basically waste while under the influence of some substance? I better run this errand fast. My dog doesn't need a very long walk. My blog, ehhh, whatever, that's good enough. Maybe I can read other blogs later tonight, after doing my "relaxing." I'll transcribe later. I want to draw, but, eh, not tonight, I'd rather drink.

I'd rather drink.

Prior to this, these behaviors occurred, but not with as much consistency. There were periods during the last month+ that I abstained from both of these, although I typically find a way to fit sweets into my diet either through ice cream or baked goods. If I have a look at my neat app I have for keeping track of my behaviors / habits (Way of Life if you have an apple product -- this app is the only reason I have held onto my iphone since making the switch to android), I can see that I actually went 3 months without drinking any wine at all. Then, in July, just 1 instance. Now in August I have had a large glass of wine, or two, 10 out of 16 days, and eaten sweets 9 out of 16 days (I started tracking sweets in the middle of July so I don't have much data prior to August). I have also recorded binge behavior 6 out of 16 days, where I have allowed myself to basically eat mindlessly and well beyond the point of being full. I've not tracked my TV watching behavior, but I know that for the past week I've watched more than just the usual one episode of a show per day. This past week is really representative of problematic self abusive behavior. I have watched myself lose sight of myself through my consistent participation in these behaviors over the course of this past week.



Now, I'd not reported feeling "stressed," "depressed," or "anxious" on any of the days that I partook in drinking wine or eating sweets. And yet at the same time these have served as excuses within my mind in the moment of abdication where I have thought, "oh, I'm so stressed with this new job! I need to let loose," or, "there are so many sad things right now, I need to relax and have fun," or, "I'm anxious, I should distract myself from my anxiety" -- so that each of these served as an excuse in the moment but then later when I was reflecting on my day and recording my behaviors in this app, these experiences didn't stand out anymore (perhaps because by then I was drunk / buzzed?). And this was true when I lived in Colorado and smoked every day, too. Sure, it was a pretty stressful job at times, but for the most part I really enjoyed it, and yet I used it as an excuse to check out every night by drugging myself.

However, I see that as I have consistently participated in these behaviors recently, I have become more and more depressed and stressed and anxious because I have (1) judged myself, (2) abdicated responsibility for myself, (3) resisted accomplishing things that I want to accomplish / am obligated to accomplish, and (4) have lost touch with myself and reality through evasive behaviors of avoiding seeing myself or seeing reality for hours at a time. So here I am actively through my behaviors as what I accept and allow myself to physically do creating an experience of depression.

I am also engaging in "addiction," which to me at this point means simply that even when I am not partaking in these activities, I am thinking about these activities, and I am thinking about the next time I can engage in these activities, and I am throwing a little tantrum within my mind if I consider the possibility that perhaps I should abstain from these activities, perhaps I should change. These "activities" meaning drinking, eating / eating sweets, and watching TV -- and this used to also be very much the case with smoking.

And last night, vision slightly blurred, belly bloated, I glanced down at myself and thought, "I hate myself." That was it, it stopped there. But that was enough. Something is wrong here Kaitlee, and it's happening because you're allowing it to happen. It isn't "just the way it is" and it doesn't not matter. It isn't such a slippery slope that I have to now go down it. I am here in every moment, here to direct myself. So now, to stand, to see, and to make a choice.

 So there is a plethora of "problems" here:

• Abusing substance as alcohol - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
• Also in general with substance abuse comes a belief pattern that I cannot engage in activities such as chores for example unless I am under the influence of a substance, because the substance will make that chore "more fun" or "more interesting" or "more bearable" -- so this stems from how I set up for myself a pattern of always smoking before engaging in certain non-preferred activities as a way to compel myself to complete the activity. 
• Abusing substance as sweets (ice cream, baked goods) / food in general (binge behavior) - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
• This of course has consequences of increasing my self consciousness of my body and body image and the subsequent self judgments with that, so a behavior which brings up more points to face or avoid / self sabotage by over eating because I know my reaction to the physical consequences of this is negative and promotes further self abuse / is not a point I have walked to completion yet. 
• Abusing time as zoning out with watching multiple episodes of a TV show in a row - escapism behavior and seeking positive feelings
• Continued use of routines as rules wherein I reinforce through my behavior that eating and watching TV must coincide, although in the past week I have eaten dinner during one episode and my ice cream during a second episode, then on a couple occasions still watching a third episode without eating anything. 
• I used to do things with friends; now I don't, now "I don't have any friends." 
• I am skeptical of most people, judgmental, etc., but also noticed that when coworkers indicated they wanted to get to know me more this week, aside from work related topics, I immediately threw up walls within the thought "you don't want to know me, I'm not interesting, shit what do I even have to share? why would anyone want to know me?" 
• So, skeptical and judgmental of myself. Would not be surprising if this experience was compounded by recent substance abuse / escapism behaviors, where if I was not so busy hiding from myself recently, I wouldn't be so frantic about hiding from others. 
• Even when I am not yet physically under the influence of any of these substances or activities, I am still under their influence within and as my mind, looking forward to my participation in these behaviors, and not allowing myself to be HERE in the NOW of whatever is in front of me, instead wishing to rush through it because I am focused on what I would rather be doing, what I plan to eventually be doing. 
• So I plan to abuse substances. I fit it into my schedule, and it takes priority of importance, but because it is a last stop in the day, the other priorities become rushed and careless and less important aside from being able to check them off a list. 
• So substance abuse is "pre-meditated," and what I run into sometimes in this instance, as well as, for example, with taking naps, is that I will plan on doing something like this, then when the time comes to actually do it, I check in with myself, see that I no longer wish to participate, and then do it anyway basically because I planned on it, so I might as well still do it, eh why not. 

With most of these there is like an immediate "reward" of escapism and positive feelings, and a long-term "negative" consequence in terms of abdication of self honesty and self responsibility as well as other forms of self abuse. So I can see that I am primarily focused on the instant gratification at the expense of long-term self abuse. 

So I will be going to the grocery store in the next day or two, and I will have the opportunity to walk past the wine, and I will have the opportunity to make a decision at that point (aside from the decisions I presently make constantly to not go out explicitly to purchase alcohol). So here I commit myself to abstain from even purchasing alcohol until I write out more on this point and also to give myself the opportunity to remain sober and present within and as myself within and as the physical, rather than escaping and seeking positive feelings through the abuse of alcohol.

When I first stopped smoking and, temporarily, stopped drinking about 7 months ago, I took it one breath at a time, one moment at a time. I made no commitments to myself to stop "cold turkey," but simply allowed myself to exist honestly in each moment, and then make a decision in each moment in honesty what I would do, and I found that in self honesty, my decision was not to turn to drugs. In self honesty, I was actually enjoying being aware and being here. Now I do not think that I need to take it moment by moment, so broken down. I think I can make a commitment to myself to not drink for a week, basically from the starting point of "seeing how that goes" so that I can show myself the consequences of the accumulation of my actions, where drinking every day for a week has led to one thing, so what does not drinking at all for a week lead to? My guess: clarity, and a sense of connection with myself in the physical. We'll see.

--- later ----

I wrote this post this morning and now that I have come to the middle of the day I have already faced the point again, "what am I doing later tonight?" I'd actually already had a pretty solid plan, but instead of that plan I by default thought, "I'll get some wine, and..."

The day hasn't been "bad" by any means but I can pinpoint a few reasons I might want to escape, and none of them are really valid or even a big deal at all. Small little things that I transform into excuses.

And I also see myself thinking, it's the weekend, it's okay, just don't drink during the week. And that may be fine if I am able to partake responsibly. But I have shown myself that right now I cannot. So here's to day 1.

I will continue writing on these topics in posts to come, mainly self forgiveness and self commitment statements. 

Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86
Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87

Showing Up for Myself Part 3: Self Support through Reading Blogs - Day 89
Showing Up for Myself Part 4: Am I Doing a Good Job? - Day 91

Showing Up for Myself Part 5: Suppression, Depression, Mania, & Writing - Day 95

Routines as "Rules" - Day 94

I have established for myself some kind of "rules" in terms of how to schedule/prioritize my time/activities, and last night I noticed how some of these "rules" are actually not self supportive in any way.

One of the "rules" / habits I have established lately has been to prioritize my writing early on in the day/afternoon so as to free up my evening to "relax" where "relax" usually means do things that aren't very productive, but can also mean to not have to endure the self-imposed pressure of still having my writing ahead of me while doing other things regardless of how productive they are (so, ability to "relax" in these activities in the sense that I am not worrying about still having to write).

So first of all this is really just a manipulation of myself in order to continue to get around / not face myself in my relationship to writing and this process, where it is still like a "chore" and also an "obligation" and obviously there is still resistance (and as I have read as shared by others, this resistance never really goes away, so, what to do?), where if I were to actually face myself within this relationship I would be able to redefine for myself what it means to write and what it means to walk this process daily in such a way that I would not be placing pressure on myself and would not have to manipulate myself into escaping the experience of that pressure, but would simply stop it. So this is an interesting point to continue to notice and figure out.

But the "rule" that really stood out to me yesterday came after multiple hours sitting at my computer diligently writing out self forgiveness and commitments in reflection of just a few hours at a concert. After so many hours, I eventually became hungry. However, I have created for myself a habit / "rule" of waiting to eat until I am ready to "relax," because I have for years and years habitually eaten meals in front of the TV while watching a TV show. This has had multiple consequences in terms of my relationship to food consumption, including a lack of awareness of myself as I am eating, as well as increased incidence of binge eating behavior as, if the TV show is still playing, I still want to eat.

So what happened last night was that I became hungry, but I wasn't yet finished with my writing. And because of my rule/routine about eating as an indulgent/relaxation behavior coupled with the indulgent/relaxation behavior of watching TV, I "could not" simply grab a snack, or take a quick break to eat, or even eat while I continued to write, because then my routine of eating while watching my current TV show would be sabotaged, and also I feared that then, "when" I did finally watch my show, I would want to eat more. ("When" because I expect that I will watch (at least) one episode per day; however, I did not end up watching an episode last night, nor have I today. Nonetheless this is the general expectation that I almost always fit into my schedule, and then find a new TV show when I am finished with one.)

So I was neglecting my body, which became hungry, and I even began to develop a headache. I also became impatient and irritable through my hunger and other physical experiences as consequences of that hunger. I therefore also experienced diminished concentration on what I was writing, so that the quality of my writing suffered. So I was ineffective overall, as a result of following my "rules" as routines / habits.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ignore and neglect my physical body as the signals that my stomach was sending to my brain that it needed nourishment and was hungry for food.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify this within my participation in my routine / "rule" of only eating while I watch TV, and only watching TV after I am done with my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to habitually engage in an activity, such as watching TV, which is mindless, sedentary, and allows me to zone out, such that I often become / feel ineffective after engaging in this activity, and as such have established within myself that I should not / will not expect myself to do anything productive once I decide to engage in this activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically waste time while watching TV and within my belief about myself and my efficacy during and after engaging in this activity, waste all of the time that comes after watching TV.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop and continue the routine/habit of sitting in front of the TV while I eat meals -- which began first in my family meal eating experiences -- such that now this is like a "rule" inasmuch as it is something I "follow," like simply "the way it is" or "the way I eat meals," without challenging / directing myself to change this, even within consideration of my realizations about mindless/conscious eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my physical body through delaying eating to such an extent that consequences arose in the form of pain, irritability, and a lack of concentration -- more signals my body was shouting at me to feed it.

I forgive myself therefore that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as my mind as my ego and power to control my body, to override my body through my self interest to continue to write and uphold my "rules" / routines, to not exist within and as the physical, within oneness and equality in self support of my body as life as myself, so not support myself when it is clearly communicated to me by myself how and when I should be supporting myself as my body as meeting its physical needs.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue to write even within this energetic possession of irritability and stubbornness, not allowing myself even to partake in a snack but instead to willfully as my ego push through denying my body of its substantial needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inflexible, stubborn, and obsessive in following my "rules" as my routines as what I am used to doing and have established for myself as "what I do" and "how I behave" and "what my schedule looks like" rather than being one and equal with the physical as whatever needs arise in my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect my physical body through negligence and ignorance and denial of needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to establish "rules" and routines which I allow to direct me as I follow them rather than directing and following myself in self honesty in the present moment as what needs require to be satisfied.


When and as I see myself neglecting my physical body as ignoring what it is communicating to me through sensations such as hunger, pain, tiredness, etc., I stop and I breathe. I realize that I as my body have specific physical needs to sustain myself, be healthy, and function optimally. I realize that what I neglect in my body has consequences in my mind, such as mood shifts into irritability, just as what I neglect/ignore/suppress in my mind has consequences in my body = I am one. I commit myself to listening to what my body is communicating and to provide for myself that which my body needs for me as a whole living person to function and be healthy.

When and as I see myself engaging in routines as like "rules" to follow, I stop and I breathe. I realize within this I am automated and am giving my self directive principle over to my habitual behaviors. I realize that there is no routine besides breathing in, and then breathing out, that is self supportive to follow absolutely without variance or divergence. I realize that sometimes -- often -- there are demands in reality which require me to diverge from my "rules" as established routines. I realize too that some of my routines keep me locked in to unsupportive behaviors such as becoming "zoned out" or wasting time. I commit myself to challenging myself to break free from these routines, to not prioritize engaging in these behavior patterns on a daily or regular basis.

Conscious Eating - Day 72

Today at work I brainstormed with my client about conscious eating, which is something he has developed an interest in of his own volition, which I think is very cool, among others of his qualities.

I drew up a chart to list out the "How"s and "Why"s of "Conscious Eating" and we also wrote a list of why we might eat mindlessly/too fast. One of the "how to" points for conscious eating that we talked about was to count how many times we chew our food before swallowing. This is a practical step because it is quantifiable and so during lunch I practiced it, and realized that I tend to move my tongue and jaw around in such a way that I start to swallow my food after chewing only about 7-10 times, whereas it is suggested by some sources that one should chew anywhere from 20-40 times before swallowing. I realized that even in trying to count out my chews before swallowing, the way that I was moving my tongue and jaw facilitated swallowing before I had reached these counts, so that here I have developed a pattern of chewing that moves food which is still unchewed to the back of my mouth and down my throat while leaving some food toward the front of my mouth still between my teeth.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat mindlessly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stuff my face with food.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to rest between bites.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to chew my food completely before swallowing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take bites which are arguably "too big."
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be aware of the taste and texture of the food that I put into my mouth.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to pause for a breath or a drink between bites.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be aware of and pay attention to my body's responses to the food I consume.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat too fast.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat in order to distract myself from my responsibilities or my emotional state.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat when and because I am in a negative charged emotional state.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat compulsively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the act of eating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the act of putting something in my mouth, of having tastes and textures in my mouth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the sensation of swallowing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of my belly filling.
I forgive myself that I have in the past accepted and allowed myself to hate the feeling of my belly filling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy all of this and yet to not savor any of it, where I rush through the process of eating, eating quickly as a way to distract myself, or because I am in a negative emotional state or am anxious, or because I am bored, or simply out of habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complete the process of eating in only a matter of minutes so that by the time I am done, I am not satisfied, because I have not even really allowed myself to have the experience within awareness and so it's like it's gone before I even became aware that it was here, and this enjoyable experience could have lasted much longer if I had simply directed myself to slow down, savor, and enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am finished eating, seek out more eating, to indulge in over eating, to compulsively eat more, to binge.

I forgive myself that I often accept and allow myself to finish a food item or an entire meal and then to get up and find something else to eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what I can/will eat next while I am still eating the first thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe, "Just one more," which turns into 5, 10, 20 more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be aware of each bite that I take, aware of the food itself, aware of the nutritional value or lack thereof, aware of what it is that I am putting in to my body to feed my body to feed myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to eat slowly, to chew my bites carefully with patience, to allow myself to grind the bites down to appropriately small sizes so that when I swallow the food it can travel through my esophagus and into my stomach with ease and it is read for optimal digestion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat in such a way that causes indigestion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat until my stomach hurts.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to eat slowly and "mindfully" so that I can be aware when I am full and when I practically realistically do not need any more food to fuel my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat so mindlessly and compulsively that even when I do notice that my stomach feels full, I still want more, and so I eat more. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat beyond the point that my stomach is full, to eat until my stomach physically hurts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with justifications for this eating behavior or to block out of my mind and my awareness how much I have already eaten and of what, so that I can pretend like I am not really eating that much, but then if I think back on what I have actually consumed I realize that I have eaten more in one sitting than many people eat in an entire day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create rules or games around eating where I have specified for myself specific patterns of consumption for specific foods, saving certain portions for last, eating before something hot gets cold, or basically just gorging/inhaling food as fast as I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop an unhealthy unsupportive relationship with food, where it is no longer simply sustenance, fuel, and nutrition for my body, but a distraction, a coping mechanism, an activity, an indulgence, a reward, or a punishment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to eat simply to feed myself as what my body needs to survive.


When and as I see myself eating fast and not chewing my bites sufficiently before I swallow, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this has physical health consequences, physical bodily comfort consequences, and consequences for my relationship with food. I commit myself to slow down, to take smaller bites, to chew my food at least 20 times before swallowing, to be aware of the movements of my tongue and jaw, and to be aware of my enjoyment of the food in this process. I commit myself to taking a breath after I swallow, and maybe also a sip of water. I commit myself to not allowing myself to take another bite while a previous bite is still in my mouth.

When and as I see myself thinking already about what I can eat next while I am still eating something else, or in fact impulsively allowing myself to consume more food than is necessary to fuel my body, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am using food as a "coping mechanism" and that here there is something else going on that I am avoiding, or that I am engaging in a compulsive pattern behavior which I have created and sustained through repetition and lack of awareness. I commit myself to focusing on the commitments I listed above to see how these influence my compulsive over eating and how an increased awareness of and active steady participation in the physical act of eating can assist and support me here.


Relevant past post:
Healthy =/= Thin - Day 50