Addiction & Consequences of Behavior - Day 140

I've not wanted to look at the point of substance abuse from an addiction perspective in part because I have been in denial that I am "addicted." I have never seen my "problem" as "that bad" in comparison to what I have seen in others, or I have especially not seen myself as having a "food addiction" because I have seen addiction as only being about drugs. But my brain produces chemicals found in drugs, food contains chemicals, digestion involves chemical reactions, and addiction is as much about behavior as it is about chemicals.

Addiction is "the the repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences."

Behavioral addiction is "a compulsion to repeatedly engage in an action until it causes negative consequences to the person's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being."

(Interesting: "until" -- like as if one is pushing the envelope of behavior to the point of consequences -- purposeful self punishment / abuse. Then, will one stop? Is one addicted to the consequence / punishment / shame / guilt, or to the behavior itself? Both?)

Food addiction is "characterized by the compulsive overeating of food. 

Signs and symptoms:

• Binge eating, or eating uncontrollably even when not physically hungry
• Eating much more rapidly than normal
• Eating alone due to shame and embarrassment
• Feelings of guilt due to overeating
• Preoccupation with body weight
• Depression or mood swings
• Awareness that eating patterns are abnormal
• Rapid weight gain or sudden onset of obesity
• Significantly decreased mobility due to weight gain
• History of weight fluctuations
• Withdrawal from activities because of embarrassment about weight
• History of many different unsuccessful diets
• Eating little in public, but maintaining a high body weight
• Very low self-esteem and feeling need to eat greater and greater amounts."

Cravings "may be triggered by seeing objects or experiencing moments that are associated with the drug or usage of it, and this phenomenon, termed post acute withdrawal syndrome, may linger the rest of the life for some drugs."

How did I come today to see my relationship with food as an addiction? When I was driving, and the car approaching behind me was a particular shade of grey, and this reminded me of a telling sign of what I believe to be an especially delicious cookies n cream milk shake, where the white of the ice cream turns grey because the milkshake is so saturated with oreo cookies. Then, I wanted a milkshake. Of course, this wasn't the first craving I had in the last couple days.

Similarly as I have tried on and off to quit drinking wine, I'll have a moment in my day where I can taste the wine on my own breath, even though I've not had wine that day, and then I will crave it. 

Or craving the feeling of smoke in my throat, or the exhalation of smoke into the air. Even coughing, and the feeling of the chemicals taking effect after the exertion of coughing, and the tightness in my chest. 

Various things will trigger these cravings, where within my mind I am always looking for that drug, that chemical and behavioral fix. 

What is interesting to me with the description about cravings too is where it says "this phenomenon ... may linger the rest of the life." What I have already known even during periods when I have not recognized my relationship with food and my weight as being unhealthy is that nonetheless I could not totally get away from the thoughts. And I have noticed it also with self-injury, a deliberate behavior on my part with severe far-reaching psychological consequences, where, even though I have not engaged in the behavior in over 7 years, still I go to it in my mind as a "solution" during times of distress / emotional turmoil. So I allowed myself to deliberately participate / engage in behaviors which I knew would probably stay with me as who I am, as through my repetition and the thoughts and judgments and emotional/feeling energy I created to accompany the behaviors I programmed them into me as automatic response systems to triggering stimuli. 

So I'll start there, with who I was as a teenager and how I am facing the consequences of that today:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in and perpetuate participation within and as behaviors which turn into addictions / behavioral addictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in selfish self-centered self-interested self-abusive behaviors which have consequences which reach beyond that moment as that momentary fix or the immediate consequences thereof, which in fact have consequences spanning the rest of my life as who I am as what I have programmed into myself through my behavior as action and thought. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the far-reaching consequences of my behavior, to not think about myself as who I am in all of time for all my life, instead only selfishly thinking from my perspective the present moment as that present desire or distress which I cope with through self abusive behaviors. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility and control of myself over to my behaviors through addiction through engaging in behaviors compulsively, ignoring what other options there are for supporting myself in that moment, instead giving into the behavior in such a way where I have in some part of me believed that if I could give myself over to this behavior enough, then I would not have to be responsible for myself anymore, I would have the excuse of an addiction, the excuse of my having a tragic existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately give over my responsibility for myself and control of myself to my behaviors because I have secretly hoped that my behaviors will spiral truly out of my control to the point where I will "qualify" for assistance / treatment / special treatment, others might pity me / sympathize with me, and I will "need help" and not be able to help myself anymore.

I forgive myself therefore for basically pushing myself under water, drowning myself, watching myself gasp for air but continue to push down until that point is reached when I might need someone else to rescue me.

I forgive myself therefore for effectively within that metaphor damaging my lungs through suffocation and drowning as engaging in self abusive behaviors, damaging my ability to support myself absolutely because now I must heal and re-learn behaviors and walk through the consequences before I can get to the point of stability, whereas if I had simply stopped and breathed before creating all of these consequences of addiction, then I would already be stable, supporting myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sort of like fantasize about the kind of "beautiful tragedy" that is being out of control and pitiful, to want to push myself to that limit so that I am no longer in my own hands, so that the only way up again is for another to lift me... I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to want to be saved, wanting to be saved so badly that I create myself as in danger and at-risk. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be "that girl" that people whisper about, that people pity, that people sympathize with, that people want to help but just don't know quite what to do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want myself and my problems to be a topic of concern for others, where here I have deliberately and actively sabotaged myself so as to get myself to such a point of internal devastation that my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with myself would show on the outside, and another might notice, and save me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk through life as a too-skinny teenager with cuts on her arms, wondering if anyone noticed, wondering if anyone would say anything, and getting mad when no one did, and also mad when someone did. Within this I see that in this path in this mind set I would never be happy or satisfied. I would always create a problem, a reason to remain in distress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always and continually create problems as energy to hold onto within my mind. 

I forgive myself that I am now facing the consequences of what I created and participated within and as in my mind as who I was as a teenager and what I thought would be a good course for myself in growing up as depressed, problematic, broken. 

I commit myself to be my own savior as now I stand up for myself in self support and stability, taking responsibility for myself as who I was and am, moving through consequences and stopping my participation here and now, to create no more negative consequences for myself in the future, to stabilize myself here in my breath in self honesty, self support, and self responsibility.

In a continuation to this post I will have a closer look at "food addiction" and continue to walk self forgiveness in my relationship to food and my weight / body image as well as specifically cravings / monementalizing moments of memories that I wish to relive through craving.