Today was a very stressful day for a lot of reasons. I am pretty drained. I supported myself with some brief explorative writing, then went to yoga where I cried but felt too embarrassed and self-judgmental / concerned with "ruining" the experience of the others in the room so I did not really let it go / lose it. Which is interesting language, because "letting it go" and "losing it" is really precisely what I am trying to teach myself to do with this intense energy that I hold onto and hold in. Nonetheless the yoga was supportive. Afterward I went to my mom's and talked for a few hours with her, and was able to express a lot and also see some new things. Now it is almost 10pm and my eyes are very tired from the crying and I haven't eaten dinner. So now I just want to list some points I need to look at, whether publicly or privately, and then eat and relax.
- Boundaries at work
- Boundaries in friendships
- Professionalism
- Anxiety / nervousness about a specific situation at work
- Holding onto (trivial!) criticism, even in the midst of a lot of praise
- How to let it go / lose it emotionally
- Being angry for the sake of being angry (or any energy)
- The difference between reactive anger and grudge anger (one has a stimulus, the other I am creating out of only myself)
- A close, watchful eye on myself in wall-building versus setting boundaries
- How to take responsibility for myself without involving another
- How to do that without building a wall because of not involving another
- Why is it that I become so invested in what other people do and how they do it? Why does it anger / frustrate me so much when people do not live up to my high standards of integrity? How do I not live up to these standards?
- Being gracious with myself, not so hard on myself, having patience with myself, and understanding that it is one step at a time, and right now the first step is to at least try. It may not have a perfect result; I cannot expect this time to be perfect. But I will try harder this time than I ever have before.
- Continuing to look at fear of oneness and equality / fear of freedom / fear of nothingness/emptiness / fear of not holding onto energy
- Examine "Defensive Hopefulness"
- Examine "Narcissism"
- Detach myself from the outcomes I want to have happen / occur, bring points back to myself, focus on myself, have the absolute integrity for myself, because I realize I falter on this when I expect absolute integrity from others -- I miss points in myself where I do not have integrity
- Understanding my weaknesses as skills that I lack, and supporting myself to learn those skills
- How I have allowed myself to blame others, such as my mom, for my pattern of holding grudges where, in her efforts to protect me, I have interpreted her words as like "permission" to build a grudge, a "I'm right and they're wrong because my mom says so" kind of mentality. I told her this today. It was cool because I know it is one reason I have been mad at her / maintained irritation sometimes, so it was cool just let her know. She had no idea.
- What exactly do I believe I will gain by holding onto a grudge / energy? Or lose by letting go?
There is so much to look at. I can only do so much at a time. One point I looked at in my writing today was time. I will share here:
Once I was advised not to talk to someone while I was in reaction. I am not sure if I will ever be out of reaction completely (at least not any time soon, I mean), and I do think some progress has been made when I have communicated. But I am sure that, right now, I am very, very angry.
Time.
It took me 5 years to get over a grudge from college, and even then I wasn't totally over it -- I still had to process it, and then when I extended communication, there will still rumblings of reactivity in my gut.
I've had an issue with the idea of "time heals all wounds." Time alone? I don't know. Could it be done faster? It seems like it. How fast? Probably not tomorrow. Even if I wrote all day every day, even if I breathed myself in every single breath... I don't know how long it would take to stop this energy completely.
I mean really actually I think the breath is key there. The writing... that can send me in circles, sometimes, or into a rut. I learn a lot through writing, but it's the living that makes the difference. Writing is invaluable. But breath... breath is IT. I mean if I really breathed myself in awareness in every single breath... I could see that working. I could see myself letting all the energy go.
But that, of course, is a skill. A very difficult skill to learn. One that might require seclusion and stopping participation in all other activities to learn in a kind of "immersion" style. Which is weird, since I am always breathing. The point here being though that yes, perhaps abandoning all else to focus only on my breathing might result in an ability to release some of this energy. But that is unfortunately not practical for a person who works a full time job and has other obligations. However, obviously, I can always be more aware of my breath. So I will focus on that again, just like the suggestion was once given to me before, to just breathe, when I have been so reactive. Just breathe.
Is it appropriate to give myself time? Is it appropriate to expect myself to do something I have never done before, the first time?
Is it appropriate to approach this like practice?
Is it appropriate to forgive myself even as I go?
I can't be completely prepared. Can I?
I can't do this, though, if I am so in the energy. I mean I can't do this, if I am angry for the sake of being angry. If I am angry in reaction to something, then it is a reaction. If I am just angry, it is me, it is a personality, it is who I am being. And I have to shed that before I can not be that.
So I have to come out of the reaction. At least this intense manifestation of it. Somehow. Do I really need this communication I have requested? I don't know. What do I hope to get out of it? How is it supposed to help? My primary goal right now, is to not repeat past mistakes. To not hold onto a grudge for the sake of: a sense of control, a sense of security, a sense of being right, a sense of protection/defensiveness, or fear of nothingness/emptiness. (added to the list above: What exactly do I believe I gain by holding onto a grudge / energy?) My goal is to walk this point differently this time. My goal is to at least try. This is for me, and for all, as what is best for all. But this is not for the other person. If the other person cannot or will not do their side, then I have to do it on my own. It may not be productive to have this conversation. It will not be productive to have it while I am so angry. It will not be productive to have it if I have any semblances of expectation for the other person. I can only have expectations for myself. But right now I am holding on so tightly to anger, for the sake of being angry. For the sake of holding on.
So I will be looking at letting that go. Letting go, and losing it.
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