Nonetheless there were stressful stimuli yesterday at work as well, most of which I cannot / will not go into. One however was receiving a single point of very minimal and actually quite silly criticism, amid an ample outflow of positive praise.
Amid a lot of very positive interactions as well as direct compliments / praise, my supervisor said, with the disclaimer, "And I'm giving you some coaching now," that "When we sit at a table, we sit with our feet under the table." (I was at the team meeting again yesterday morning, and halfway through the meeting I decided it would be more comfortable to pull my feet up onto the chair with my knees near my chin. So I did that. Of course no one said anything at the time; it wasn't until later after conversations on other topics that my supervisor brought it up.) (Actually, this is the same way I am sitting now... it's just comfortable!)
I mean this is so silly and rudimentary. But it opened up a lot of anxiety for me, and also has me beginning to look closely at who I am as a "professional," which goes hand-in-hand with what some of the other stressors have me looking at, which is again "boundaries," this time specifically in the work-place, although that is more relevant to the other work-related issue that I cannot / should not discuss.
So when he gave me the disclaimer that he was going to give me some coaching, I was bracing myself. And I've seen myself do this a number of times, now, where I see that someone is possibly / probably about to tell me something that might constitute some kind of criticism or suggestion for change, and I kind of brace myself for the worst, like, breathe, and give myself some self-coaching of "okay, whatever this is, I can handle it, I am here, I can handle it."
And then usually it is not really a "big deal," although perhaps some of my preparation in bracing myself helps me to actually deal with it better than I would normally. Usually it is not really criticism at all, though, so then when this single silly point of criticism arrived, specifically from my actual supervisor, and a person whom I am coming to respect and admire more as I get to know him more (I unfortunately do not have many opportunities to interact with him), it hit me a little harder.
At first I laughed. And just said yes, yes, yes, I understand, yes. I laughed I guess because I realized it was silly. I realized that I had braced myself for some really difficult message and then here it was, this silly little thing, that, amid all the interactions we've now had, and all the other things that happened in that day, this was the thing he was going to point out to me -- of all the points where I could have made a mistake, this was it, and it was not in the realm of the kind of criticism I was anticipating.
But then I hung up the phone and I felt bad and I felt self-judgmental. Like why'd I have to do that? Like I'm so stupid for not considering what is professional or respectful in a professional setting. Blah blah blah. Not a lot of thoughts and back chat, but that was the energy, and I kind of teared up a little, which then I realized was probably because I was sort of overwhelmed in general with everything that had happened thus far that day at work, along with the things in my personal life.
So I tried to breathe and realized I was still in the middle of my work day and this was definitely not the place to get stuck on this little thing. I mean I realized too how trivial it was, how the emotional reaction was probably a combination of different things, and how getting stuck on this point would be really silly.
But nonetheless then I saw myself basically grab onto that point and hold it, and feel this need for validation. Not extreme, not as much as I might have months ago. I had moments when I wanted to share the criticism with others, but the time never came, and so I held it in. Why did I want to share? Validation. I think it is for the best that I did not share, because that is probably a part of professional boundaries. My coworkers are not there to validate me personally, we are there to support each other and the students professionally. And just because I am the youngest and have the least experience of the people I am working with doesn't necessitate that I take an inferior position and believe that they have the answers for me. I have the answers for me. I can validate myself. I can move confidently as myself.
So it was interesting to have a glimpse though of how that build-up of energy went and then culminated in holding onto that point. I tried to breathe and rationalize with myself basically that of all the things that were happening that day, that was the silly piece of criticism I had received, while meanwhile some other peoples' jobs might be on the line. I mean really, that actually speaks quite highly of me, as does all the positive praise I heard.
And I appreciate him pointing it out. I mean I am pretty casual in my interactions with other people, and in the professional world that is not always appropriate. Most of my full time jobs have been ones that have been mostly very casual in interactions, due to the people I have happened to work with. Now where I am I am seeing that the culture among some of the employees is too casual, so this is a really good time for me to look at those boundaries and be able to set for myself what is or is not appropriate, regardless of how the other people around me behave.
So now I can be more aware of what is or is not "professional" behavior from myself, watchful of how others behave and take any cues I see as useful, and try to figure out for myself who I am in the professional world.
I did end up calling my mom right after work to tell her about everything that had happened that day, including then this point of criticism, and she laughed just like I did, and pointed out to me how silly and little and minor that is.
I noticed too though that I wanted to turn it around and be mad at my supervisor, like "Why bother bringing it up if it's so little and minor and not a big deal??" But it's not like my supervisor was mad at me, and I see that he said he was coaching me, which is pretty valuable, and also I see that it is very constructive, and now has also supported me in looking more closely at professionalism and professional behavior, which also ties in with professional boundaries (more relevant to the other point, as I said), which ties in to general boundaries, which I have been wanting to explore.
So it is really cool that what is happening at work is coinciding with some of the things in my personal life, in terms of setting boundaries for myself and then living by those boundaries.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into reaction about receiving criticism that is minor and then judging myself like why can't I be perfect and not ever receive criticism?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto this one minor silly negative criticism, within which I let go of the positive praise that was also given me, so that here I am again always in need of validation even though I have just received it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project anger and blame outward with wishing that my supervisor had just not said anything, why couldn't he just leave it alone?
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand that it is very valuable to have a supervisor like mine and be working with people who are willing to assist me in my professional development, in learning skills that I have yet to learn or master.
I commit myself to breathing through every moment so that as I hear validation it becomes me and I accept it as myself and give it to myself as who I am reflected by others.
I commit myself to breathing through every moment also so that as I hear criticism I am able to see it and reconstruct myself from it and learn from it and open up the point of what is said to see myself in more detail.
I commit myself to breathing through reactions that come up where I want to project anger or blame onto another person for saying something critical of me or negative to me, rather than simply seeing / hearing the words for what they are, which is a suggestion for my behavior.
I commit myself to taking advantage of the opportunity before me to take responsibility for myself as a "professional" person to learn "the ropes" so to speak and teach myself skills that will support me throughout my career-life.
The point I can't go into detail about:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and nervous about something that is happening at work, feeling like it is "my fault" because I said something, even though what I spoke about needed to be said and should have been said by another, but because I said it I might face retaliation or others not liking or trusting me, others alienating me, because I broke an unspoken "code" of tattling; I am a "snitch."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my anxiety by thinking "I should have not said anything, I should just shut up, it would be better if I didn't exist, if I just went along with everything and didn't cause any trouble by speaking up or acting, but only ever said or did what others want me to say or do."
I realize this is a central point for me in terms of living for as and by myself, instead of being a people pleaser or doing what people around me are doing or using others as a guide for how to direct myself. I realize that I can direct myself in self honesty and self responsibility and self support. I commit myself to giving myself the gift of life as myself, here, alive, living, and interacting with reality as a member of life, not just going with the flow of what others do or say or how others abuse, not being the walking dead, but taking a stand in stability as a life, one with and equal to all life.
I commit myself to continuing to support myself with my breath and I realize I have received vital support from some of my coworkers, so I take that support and actually use it, rather than dismissing it and seeking more, like a validation vacuum. I commit myself to the realization that boundaries and self support are integrated into and as each other, so to support myself professionally is to recognize the boundaries of work place professionalism and to not collude with others who are interested in being unprofessional and not doing their job appropriately. I realize that once I have reported it to the appropriate individual, it is "out of my hands," and so I cannot control the outcome, I can only control myself and how I respond to the stimuli in my environment, by the boundaries I set in self honest self support.
This goes too for friendship. I can only set my boundaries and live by them as myself. I cannot force another person behave a certain way. I can only establish for myself what I will or will not accept or allow, and be steadfast in that. I can only take responsibility for myself, which means also not dancing the dance of argument but instead stopping, breathing, and taking care of myself, and communicating only when I am clear enough to communicate myself honestly. Last night I stayed up far too late engaging in argument and I was already very drained, I only drained myself even more. It was irresponsible and not self-honest, nor self-supportive.
Self support and boundaries go hand in hand again with friendships. I support myself by establishing boundaries for myself and living by them, and adjusting them when necessary.
Stability is another central point I need to look at. Today I was talking to a friend and he described it as only ever moving because I have made the decision to move. Sounds simple, right? A simple iteration like this is an easy one to carry with me to support myself. Move only when I decide it is best to make that movement.
Other points in his suggestions helped me see that stability is in being here, in "showing up for myself," which I have already been practicing, in embodying myself, in breathing as myself, in being here in the physical only and not abandoning myself as my mind.
However I still have a lot to learn about stability in order to define the thin fuzzy line between stability and suppression, to not reject the energy and thus myself as the creator of the energy, but to still not allow the energy to direct me.
So I commit myself to continuing to look at and understand the points of boundaries, professionalism, and stability.
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