Myriad Points - Day 156

I feel like I have a lot going on for me right now, and I have resistance to writing about it in part because I don't even know where to start.

It's actually similar to how I felt at this week's CoDA meeting, where I thought about sharing, but then didn't really know what I would possibly say. And my experience with that is one of the many things I could dissect and share here.

So for now I just want to make a list of some of the main points I have tumbling around and within me right now, and see what comes of that, or just see it.

1. Anxiety / Paranoia
• I continue to experience a lot of anxiety, especially at work, although I don't really engage in much outside of work to trigger an experience of anxiety. The anxiety itself is within my mind of course, and that goes with me everywhere. 
• After I wrote about anxiety last Tuesday, I experienced a reprieve and a restabilization. Even yesterday morning I noticed a marked difference in my experience of myself, my confidence, my presence here in the physical. But then at lunch time I had an interaction and I interpreted a facial expression in such a way that triggered back chat about that person not liking me and being annoyed that I was trying to participate in the conversation. 
• And then I put words in that person's mouth, really hateful words that I believe are directed at me, like, "Oh, you wanted to talk? Oh my god, why are you talking? Why are you even here? Just leave. I can't wait to get away from you."
• So first I reacted to a facial expression and doubted myself for participating in the conversation. I wondered, did I interrupt? Did I do something inappropriate or rude? Should I not have shared? I should just shut up and listen. 
• (So when in my life have I met or perceived a reaction from another like this? Where did this belief originate?)
• The interesting thing here is that for example all my life people have thought that I have been sad or mad because of my facial expressions, when I have been neither (at least not when they have commented about it). So I of all people should realize that facial expressions do not always communicate clearly a person's experience. 
• I should also realize that a person's experience is their experience and says more about them than it does about me. 
• So I should realize that my experience tells me about me, not about what other people actually think about me. 
• Then after I shared what I put into that conversation, pretty much everyone left (it was "time to go" for some, but for others they could have easily stayed, but also today I noticed times when it seemed like people might have changed their conversation when I walked into the room, or purposely walked a different direction so as to avoid me), some of them retreating to offices behind closed doors together, and me back to work. The difficult thing at work is that the people I most trust and admire and respect, and also therefore want to have like me, have different roles than I do on campus. So while I am expected to be in classrooms with students the majority of the day, they are expected to be in their offices having conversations about how to implement changes on campus. 
• So I know the expectation of their roles, and with my interactions with these people, I know that they are just as passionate as I am, if not moreso, about actually implementing these changes. So, chances are, it is safe to assume, that when they have the opportunity to be behind closed doors, they are not talking about me and how much they hate me and how they can get rid of me, but probably about how they can implement these changes.
• Now, a tricky part of this is that there ARE people on campus that these people do talk about in ways that I would not like to be talked about for professional reasons, because basically these people they talk about are people who are not in alignment with the changes we are trying to implement, and so are not really doing their jobs well as they have been directed to do them. So obviously I do not want to be perceived this way, although I have absolutely zero reason to believe that I am perceived this way except the bullshit that I make up in my paranoid mind. 
• So on the one hand, if these people are going to be talking about anybody behind closed doors, I can probably take some very good guesses as to about whom, and even as to what specifically they are saying. 
• But on the other hand, I witness and even participate in these conversations, as they are necessary to navigate the politics of implementing these changes, and so I thus have a fear about these same conversations happening about me.
• But, what I also know of these people, the one in particular who I feel the most anxiety around, is that this person is completely transparent with those about whom they speak. Meaning, they may have discussions behind closed doors with others about someone, but then they will have that same discussion with that someone -- showing them the respect of entrusting them to be professional enough to handle such topics as how to implement these changes even though those individuals do not want to. 
• I want to implement the changes. I have received many compliments from these people. So why do I continue to doubt myself, personally and professionally? 
• I admire / respect these individuals, so I want them to like me / I want them to continue to provide me with guidance / support / exemplary professionalism / strategies for doing this job. 
• I am invested in actually enjoying my day at work, and these people are pretty much the primary source of enjoyment (outside myself! so placing my ability to enjoy work outside myself is problematic because it is not stable / not something I can control). 
• So, I mean, if I didn't really care about enjoying what I spend the majority of my day doing, or if I didn't have to go there every day, then I wouldn't be so invested in wanting these people to like me. 
• But I have to look at why I care so much about people liking me. 
• One thing that is relevant to all of this is that I frequently feel anxiety about my self-worth in the eyes of others and whether or not other people like me. And one of the few things that I have found thus far to even bring me anywhere close back to "center" in terms of not going to these extreme states of paranoia is the act of comparison. I doubt how really self-supportive or self-honest that is... but it's what I've got, right now. And so if / when / as I feel anxiety / paranoia that members of my family, for example, do not like me, I can refer to other members of my family who I know behave "worse" than I do and are more of a "problem" than I am (because within this anxiety / paranoia I perceive myself as "bad" and a "problem) and see that my family members still love and support that person. Similarly at work if / when / as I feel anxiety / paranoia that coworkers do not like me, I can refer to other coworkers who I see are great sources of frustration and set-backs to the changes we are there to implement, and realize that they are still treated with respect as human beings, and even if there are some personal misgivings in place, it's not like anyone hates anyone and hates when they walk into the room and hates when they open their mouth, etc. etc. And so from the point of "comparison" I can at least get somewhat of a more grounded perspective on myself by comparing behavior and effect of behavior between myself and some of these other people to begin to see that there really isn't much that I do that other people are likely to react to negatively. Or I can take for example my job at my yoga studio, where I am repeatedly complimented by a staff member that I am good at my job there, and am sometimes let in on whatever is going badly for others there, and yet when tonight I called the studio to ask a question about the price of an event (something ideally I would know given my position at the front desk), I became paranoid that the staff member I spoke with (the same staff I mentioned already) was annoyed with me. So I can refer back to the relationship already established to see how this person actually feels about me. 
• But... that's sort of all I have at this point to try and get myself out of this paranoia. That, and trying to actually recognize and value what positive feedback I receive from other people, something I have never been great at retaining and usually brush off as invalid, a fluke, or them somehow being wrong. 
• And yet, how a person "feels" about me is mostly meaningless, because often it has only to do with that person. I mean peoples' moods change all the time based on the smallest things and so I guess I can try to go off of how a person seems to feel about me when they are at their "baseline" / not stressed out or upset or especially elated about something, but even so this is really only a reflection of my possible ability to manipulate others into liking me. Although I don't see myself as actively manipulating others into liking me, having others like me is still a primary starting point for my behavior and so it undoubtedly plays a role in directing who I am. So again: Why do I care so much about other people liking me? 
• So I see still that none of this is actual stability in self honesty in myself. So that is still a huge point I have to work on. 
• I suppose I also have the realization that my internal conversations and reactions are likely directing my behavior in ways that I may not be totally aware of, and that then serve as stimuli for others to react in ways that I perceive as others not liking me, when in fact those others might be perceiving that I do not like them. 
• So: Be nice! Treat others as I would like to be treated! Be respectful! 
• And, maybe ask for feedback. Like, ask if there is anything I can do better or differently, professionally-speaking, so that if there is anything, I can know, rather than fear that there is something that they are not telling me. 
2. Work in general is very stressful for many reasons
• I realize that in some ways I "like" stress because it is interesting and also makes me feel important. 
• However something I realized over the weekend was that here I am back at a job that is stressful every day by its very nature, just like the last time I worked at a school, but this time is different because we are trying to implement an entire systemic shift in program, and there really isn't much stability or even foundational support in terms of what to show up and do each day. Fortunately this is being built each day, but it's an extremely slow process.  
• It is primarily other staff who contribute most to the stress, not the students. 
• More and more I am dreading going to work, or, rather, less and less am I looking forward to it. More and more I feel like I am just trying to "get through the week," because the stress and anxiety I feel at work is so debilitating. The job itself really isn't that hard. It's my relationship to the job, my relationship with myself that is so demanding of all my energy, where I demand all this energy of myself through my reactions, sucking me dry with paranoia, stress, and anxiety. 
• Only to then meet the weekend where I have another obligation, and fear / anxiety now tied to that obligation as well. 
• I see that I often miss my old job in Denver because I had so much more support from my coworkers even if only because there were so many other people with my same exact job title and description who shared similar experiences, plus I worked with other staff at almost every moment of the day whereas now it is often just myself and a teacher in the room with students, and whenever I am on campus (getting paid to be there, anyway), so are students, and there is no one else my age / with my job title who I feel I can trust / rely on for support. Support is really lacking in general, and although there are individuals who try to give it to me, I begin to feel guilty or like I am sucking them dry or overstepping boundaries and being needy by needing / wanting support. Plus it is clear that every single individual on campus is in a state of distress and frustration. So we are all trying to each manage ourselves while managing each other while managing the students while managing the changes. 
3. Loneliness
• The last point in the previous section also leads me thus to think about how I feel lonely. I mean at my old job for example I made friendships where we hung out outside of work frequently, we even celebrated Thanksgiving together. Also in Denver I had other friendships in my building. And some wacky stuff happens at work and it would be cool to just be able to talk about it with someone, to just process it through conversation. I have written a lot about friendships and there is much more still to write, but they are something I have always struggled with my whole life. And as much as I miss a handful of people from Denver and various aspects of my life there, if you would have asked me while I still lived in Denver if I felt like I had any really good friends, I would have said no most of the time, because I have always discredited and discounted whatever friendships I have made, always on guard for getting hurt or being betrayed, wanting to reject others before they could reject me. I think that the last time that I really consistently embraced my friendships was my freshman year of college. After that I much more consistently came up with barriers. 
• And that is something that came up at the CoDA meeting from someone else's share, about drawing others close and then pushing them away. There is this fear in me of actually having close, honest, intimate relationships, even though at the same time I have often said that that is precisely all I have ever really wanted in life. Intimacy with others. 
• So that is interesting to look at in terms of intimacy with myself, and if I've really had that, at least in a way that has provided me with self support and feeling complete and whole within and as myself. Although I've always been extremely introspective, I've not had compassion and grace for myself, I've not really been my own best friend, or even friend. In fact I am often my own worst enemy, as we can see from the paranoia I experience. 
• So I put up these walls and defenses and barriers. Obviously. Part of that comes back to the paranoia where in many instances I might perceive that another person doesn't like me, or just generally go through life with the belief that I am unlikeable, and so I put up walls and defenses to prevent myself from getting hurt or from having to be rejected by others. I also utilize memories of times when I have felt hurt and rejected and betrayed by people I decided to trust, and use those memories as justification for more walls and barriers and not trusting others. 
• But I obviously cannot trust myself! And I am the only one I really even should trust. So that is the point to look at. Trusting myself, and being my own friend. If I do this, then I am stable, and I can interact with others freely, without expectation, hope, or fear. 
• It also frustrates me a great deal that some of the few friends I have had recently, who have been males, have hit on me and sexualized me rather than simply being my friend. And yet I settle for this as if it is at least safe and secure inasmuch as I know they want me, even if it is only that they want me for sex, so I feel safe that they will not leave me. I don't try to tease or anything... I mean I have been actually upfront that I am uncomfortable with the comments. But I use this also as like a self-victimization point of "I can't even manage to make a friend who just wants to be my friend!" like as if all I am good for is my body and sexuality, which is actually often how I have accepted and allowed men to treat me and thus how I have treated myself, because "I accept sex when what I really want is love." 
4. At this week's CoDA meeting there was a lot of silence between shares. And I felt awkward around it. And I would glance around the room sometimes and lock eyes with people, people who were looking right at me. And I began to panic and get paranoid in my mind that people were expecting me to share, and in fact getting mad that I wasn't sharing, and feeling like I was somehow infiltrating their group and just taking without giving, just listening to all of these peoples' inner secrets without sharing any of my own. And I created big anxiety and pressure around this that made me start to think that I will just not go next week, that I can't handle it, and also getting kind of angry that these people would be so untrusting of me and expect me to share even when I don't want to. All this just from making eye contact. 
• So I mean first of all obviously there is this huge point of anxiety and paranoia and projection and back chat, and believing that I know what others are thinking about me, and believing that others are thinking these very negative things about me, just like the anxiety and paranoia at work. 
• Then there is the actual fear of sharing, the fear of opening up. The fear even of my reaction to sharing, the fear that it will be yet another experience where I will say something and then immediately doubt myself and therefore hate myself and beat myself up within my mind. The fear that I will fumble over my words, or that I won't have anything interesting to say. The fear of breaking the ice, the fear of taking that first initial step.
• Breaking the ice and taking that first initial step is the fear I have to conquer first, and I could easily do so by simply saying, "My name is Kaitlee, I'm a codependent. I notice that I feel very afraid of sharing in this group, not because the group has shown me that it is untrustworthy, but because I see that I do not trust myself and the things that I tell myself about myself. But I am not going to allow my fear to direct me, so here I am, sharing about my fear. Thank you." And then they would thank me for sharing, and I would maybe cry or at least tear up and then suppress it down, and then the next person would share. 
• And if I were to react with crying I would be afraid of how others would perceive this, like as if I want attention or as if I want the focus to stay on me even after I am done sharing, or even that others would pity me or feel bad for me, or their focus would in fact remain on me, because I do not want to be seen or recognized even though I so badly want to be seen and recognized. 
• What the fuck. 
• But one cool thing about this is to also see how I resisted writing yesterday, and even still today, because I didn't really know what I could share. So rather than support myself by trying to write for myself, like I am doing here by just getting it all out, I would start to write, then scratch it because it didn't seem worthy of sharing. But what is worthy of sharing? I am here. I am walking. I am doing my fucking best within my present abilities to support myself. That is worth sharing. 
5. Which leads me to: A different kind of anxiety
• Not the same kind of anxiety that exists alongside paranoia, although maybe this also involves its own form of paranoia. This is an anxiety about a build up. This is an anxiety about breaking the ice. This is an anxiety about that first time. That first time I share. That first time I see my dad again after over 7 years. That first time I see and talk to that person between myself and whom I have built a wall and a grudge. 
• So my immediate response once I began to crack under the pressure of this growing anxiety is to release it, but I am not certain if I am releasing or suppressing / ignoring it. I don't like it, that's for sure. I don't want to experience it. I believe that if I can "let it go" and stop allowing myself to exist as it, that then I will be able to do whatever is necessary to heal and / or practically prepare, whether energetically, mentally, or physically. 
• How valid is this? I don't know. Do I want to share even after trying to let that go? Not really. Do I really want to see my dad, even after ignoring the pressure I have felt to see him someday? Not really. Do I want to reconnect with the other side of the grudge? Not really. Is this just accepting and allowing the blockade to exist, the wall, the grudge, or the otherwise off-limits-ness of fear? 
• I mean, is it supportive to exist under and as all that pressure and anxiety to go through with something? I have felt it during this time of requesting time and space. I have not been HERE and NOW but have been THERE and THEN, that future time and space when I believe I might have to face this fear. So rather than being HERE and NOW and WITHIN and AS MYSELF, during the time and space I have been given per my request, I have been abandoning myself to my energetic experience of fear, anxiety, and pressure, imagining and gearing up and building up to that future time and space of having to face the fear. Rather than taking the time to heal and do whatever it is that I need to do to be ready to face that fear, I have been the fear itself, the fear directing me, also giving me migraines. 
• So... I have to look at this more. I don't really know what's going on there. It's hard to tell. If I were not me, if I were someone else reading this, I would probably say: Face the fear! Fuck time and space! Just do it! 
• But, do I trust myself to just do it, and not react? To just do it, and not be overtaken again by energy, even more than I already am? 
• But, but, but... 
• But I see in what I have written in all of these points above, I am so obviously not stable. I am so obviously allowing myself to be directed by energy. And this is not even all of the points tumbling around and in me. So what is most self supportive? Is it better to put off the scariest points in favor of trying to stabilize the others? Would it be easier to stabilize the others if I got the scariest points out of the way first? What am I so afraid of, anyway? I'll not die. The world won't end. 
• And I see from Day 155: "I realize that I learn through falling, and I learn through standing back up. This is how I learn to trust myself, and by trusting myself I will be able to stop my fears."
6. Family stress
• I have multiple stressors around me in my family, primarily in the form of illnesses and old age. No one close to me has ever died. The few people who have died, I wasn't that close to, and certainly after they died I told myself we weren't really that close at all anyway. I mean in part this is relevant to my inability to connect with other people on an intimate level of really feeling connected in such a way that I can't just basically flip a switch and suppress any negative reactions I might have over their death (and yet look what happens if someone betrays me or hurts me in some way, how interesting). 
• I think one of the things I experience here is guilt. Guilt about not being there more. Which is interesting because I could easily be there every day. I just choose not to. I "intend" to, moreso now than ever. But do I follow through? I haven't yet. 
• And then there are family members I resist for other reasons. And then there are family members I perceive as resisting me. And then there is me, feeling resentment about that perceived resistance. And then there is me, undoubtedly operating and behaving in some way that manifests precisely that which I fear, if in no other way then that I experience it as real because I create it through my own paranoia. 
7. How I respond when it seems others are resisting me
• If I reach out to someone and they do not respond, I tend to kind of grumble and have some back chat but then just kind of leave it, but really there is still this energy that they must not like me and I shouldn't bother and maybe they even hate me and maybe they are sick of hearing from me and I am such a burden etc. etc. 
• Usually when this happens it is over some kind of electronic communication, most frequently texting. 
• So, simply to look more at this and see how even if I leave the thoughts alone, I still hold onto the energy even if only subtly and still end up feeling resentment that another person somehow managed to overlook responding to me / communicating effectively and believing therefore they must be purposely ignoring me with malicious intent. 
• How have I lived this out? There have been instances when I have purposely not responded. Sometimes with malicious intent, sometime manipulative intent, and sometimes simply because I believe it is best for me to not engage. 
8. Migraines. Increased migraines. This is how I can really tell that something, or many things, I am doing is not working. 

So it's obvious that I've not been directing myself in myriad ways. It's obvious that I've lost touch with my ability to support myself practically, or even to trust myself. 

Where to go from here is unclear. Continue to support myself in the ways that I know how. This includes continuing to benefit from what my peers share in their blogs, or what is shared in interviews. This includes breathing through my entire day at work, whether or not I am experiencing anxiety, and being observant of what is going on around me, and stable in myself, and realizing that even if there are people on campus who don't like me, even if people I respect and admire do actively avoid me and talk behind my back, this does not hurt me physically, I am still here. So being here and now in every moment and every breath, and seeing myself too as who I am within my mind, who I am to myself, how I treat myself, what I say to myself, and not accepting or allowing myself to mistreat, abuse, or manipulate myself through my thoughts, back chat, and energy. 

And since I feel disconnected from myself in terms of the supports I have already established and the realizations I have already had, where to go from here also thus includes reconnecting with these aspects by rereading what I have already written on a lot of these topics, because none of these are brand new points within my process, or none of them are completely unrelated to points I have already begun the process of walking, so I can support myself by reminding myself what I have already begun to learn. 

Thanks for letting me share.