This is really interesting to notice, though, considering what else I wrote about in yesterday's post, which was that I tend to enter friendships / relationships with the hope that this person or this relationship will somehow fix, help, or change me. So, what? I'm supposed to fix the other person somehow, either actively or passively merely by my amazing presence, and the other person is supposed to somehow magically fix me?
Why don't we just fix ourselves?
And why do I allow myself to see, and then immediately overlook and dismiss, instances of abuse or reasons that this person is not actually someone I care to be around for such extensive periods of time, or not a person I really wish to invest myself in in the way that I am? I mean it is one thing to have a friend and hang out and whatever -- we are who we are and we are each responsible for ourselves. It is another thing to have a friend and believe that I can somehow change them, also believe that who they are toward me is indicative of who I am, also believe that who I am is not good enough if they do not give me what I want, which, in many cases, is for them to change, and give me credit / acknowledgement.
In the former, there are two people, operating and walking independently of one another, within this also thus able to support one another just as they might support any other human being or themselves, also learning from one another, but always first themselves. In the latter, there is codependence.
I can remember one particular instance in the not-so-distant past where I was hanging out with someone and I observed behavior and I thought, "Wow, if this was our first time hanging out, I would definitely not be interested in hanging out any more."
Instead, I continued to hang out. Not only that, but persisted in belief and imagining that this person would change, that this person would somehow see things the way I saw them. Maybe this person will, someday. That's not up to me.
But look at that. What a judgment! And with judgment, an investment of myself. If I was not invested, why would I judge? Why would it matter to me how this person behaves? If I were not invested, if I were not operating out of all these other patterns of codependency, then why would I think anything of another's behavior other than seeing it for whatever it is? And why would it matter to me? I mean if we have a "healthy" (not codependent) friendship / relationship, then perhaps I can use this as an opportunity to point out a behavior manifestation of a pattern that I know this person knows exists within themselves but doesn't always recognize when lived out. And then this person can take that, or not. It would not matter to me. I would not be invested in performing, creating, or even catalyzing this change.
Instead, I saw that, and I reacted. And from an ego stand point, I recharged my judgments as "right, this person IS 'this way'." And then I re-asserted myself as superior and as the answer for what I perceived as this person's "need." I saw the opportunity to be "the one" who would reap the benefit of this person seeing themselves and changing. Then I would have what I wanted: a healthy relationship with a person who is self-aware and has integrity. Also within this however, denying myself self-respect and stability.
So, to try and pinpoint this further, there is like this order of operations where I first extend myself over to the other, creating myself as creator of another through my perceived ability to change / influence them. And then I also give myself to the other, placing myself in their hands, waiting and hoping for them to change / influence me, to somehow "fix" me and make me finally feel "happy" or "whole" or "complete." And so for me to see things about the other that I might find repelling upon a first meeting, well into a friendship or relationship, means that I cannot just walk away. I am already invested. There are parts of me, over there, with them, and here I have parts of them in my hands. Or so it seems, because of what I have allowed myself to believe, and how I have allowed myself to act out those beliefs.
And then of course I come to "Wall or Nothing," where it's like this person can do w, x, and y, and everything is okay, but as soon as the threshold is met wherein they do z, I'm done. I'm over it. Walls up. And then I reflect back on, say, x, and how at that point I was not ready to be over it, but how my attitude at that point was still one of "Wall or Nothing," where the behavior I saw in x was one that was very repelling, but since abandonment (wall) was not an option yet, I continued boldly forward into absolute merging (nothing) (so, only perceiving 2 options for recourse: false dilemma), continuing to believe and imagine all the lies of my mind about this relationship, and also believing that "this is just the way it is, this is what I have to deal with if this is what I want, and this is really all I'm worth anyway, clearly. This is the best I can do, so even if I don't want it, I better take it." Abusive, of myself, and the other, whom I am putting in a position of not knowing all that is happening within me, only that I keep showing up, I keep wanting to hang out, and so I must be okay with how things are -- I must accept them for who they are.
But reality is I don't accept them for who they are, and I don't accept myself for who I am. In this dynamic, we are not two individuals, independent and equal. Instead... we are... both wrong. Both not good enough. Both with identities intermingled with the other. No boundaries.
So where is the balance? Where is the ability / skill to see, for example, behavior x, and then make a decision for myself at that point, and at every point / moment, who I want to be, in that moment, of that "relationship"? What's up with defining relationships to such an extent anyway? I mean to define a relationship is to pre-determine the future. What about now? And what about boundaries? "Right now, I see x as a behavior that is unappealing, and shows me a, b, and c about this person's systems and attitudes. A, b, and c are not in alignment with who I am. We can still be friends, because of d, e and f, but maybe I should re-examine some of my own systems, attitudes, and beliefs about this person, and align myself with this new information of observing this behavior."
And ideally, "maybe" I should not create imaginations and beliefs surrounding a relationship with another person in the first place. Ideally I should not create a hole of a certain shape and then try with all my mind to get that person to fit through that hole. Maybe I should see the shape of the other person, and, over time, see how well that person fits with my own shape.
All the while, only ever changing, "perfecting," my own shape. I cannot change the shape of another.
The funny thing is, I thought this was what I was doing. I remember feeling proud of myself that I was taking things slow, that I was taking the time to "really see" if we "fit." I remember thinking we must fit well together since I hadn't had to walk away yet. So there would be another interesting thing to look at, which is how the speed at which I have pursued relationships in the past creates a not-very-high standard to beat in terms of doing things "right" or "better" than before, so that I easily tricked myself into believing that this time was "different" and therefore "better" just because certain previous toxic components had not been put into place.
Now, in large part, the stage for all of this was set because I first believed this person to be trustworthy. I first believed this person to be honest. Why? There are multiple different reasons. But ultimately I chose to trust this person, as I have done many times before where I have trusted others to be more "together" and somehow better than me, trusting others more than I trust myself. So, sometimes, when I encountered behaviors that didn't "sit right" with me, I dismissed it because I assumed that this other person must be right, I must be wrong, because I believed that this person was trustworthy. So then I categorized that behavior as "okay" and "acceptable," even though it was neither okay or acceptable to me in self-honesty (and again I have to continue to look at myself and my black-and-white reactions to stimuli such as the behavior of another, where even though I saw something as "not okay," I did not want to walk away, so instead I continued to merge, because I believed these to be my only two options, with no balance or middle ground). So that is another point that I have already looked at some, in terms of trusting others more than I trust myself and also taking responsibility now for what I did not see / realize / understand back then, also realizing that no one is immortal or infallible, and I can only ever really trust myself (can I even do that? That is what I am working on in process).
Okay. Some of this is still a little vague and fuzzy for me, but this is a huge stride in trying to identify and define this pattern I live out. So I'll keep looking at this to further define it and also walk self forgiveness on these points.
No comments :
Post a Comment