The title refers to my ongoing lifelong confusion about boundaries which has led me to either build walls to shut others out completely, or, in the absence of a wall, believe myself to be at the mercy of the other person completely, doing whatever it is that they may wish for me to do, also in many instances believing in turn that they should do or be whatever I wish. A merging, blurring of lines, a lack of definition between what is me and what is another.
What I notice instantly of course is wondering if / how boundaries fit in with separation versus oneness.
For me it is still a vague concept, that of boundaries, and I notice I have difficulty even describing the "nothing" aspect because it has been so natural for me to within my mind create these expectations of what it means to not be mad at someone else, what it means to be a friend, or what it means to simply co-exist.
"To not be mad at someone." So basically unless I validate and justify an experience of anger or another negative energy about / toward another person, then I feel there is no line between us. But, if I can find a reason, I will build a wall, this being what up to now has been my primary way of setting a "boundary," so that within this I either have a wall or nothing: I either cut someone off completely, or I feel that I have no boundaries whatsoever, no control, nothing.
I've not really understood what it means simply to co-exist, co-operate as existence, to be one with and equal to all, where there is no wall, and there is also no person or people with whom I am completely merged, but instead all one, all equal.
Typically we hear the title as "All or Nothing," where in this phrasing I would flip the meaning, this time with "All" referring to the merging of myself and my will with another in and as my mind, and "Nothing" referring to cutting them out completely, building a wall, forming a grudge.
So I notice again that this is all in my mind, and that is where separation exists. I will find real practical boundaries, if they exist, in the physical, within self honesty, self support, and self responsibility.
Also to note as an FYI, what I am speaking about, "Wall or Nothing" or "All or Nothing" is a central theme within "Borderline Personality Disorder," something I've not been officially diagnosed as "qualifying" to "have," but nonetheless in my own experiences and reflections of myself have identified as a descriptive psychological diagnostic analysis of myself.
So to have a look at this from the BPD perspective, as one among the list of symptoms:
"A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."And this website, Out of the Fog, contains a lot of information about "personality disorders," and specifically has a page about boundaries. What stands out to me most in their description of boundaries is that boundaries are really about taking responsibility for oneself, and also giving others the freedom to do the same. So I can see that "Wall or Nothing" is not even an approximation of boundaries, not even a version of boundary-setting, because within my existence as "Wall or Nothing," I am abdicating responsibility for myself and projecting blame for who I am onto another, and also taking another into my own hands as if I am able to somehow influence them and/or create consequences for them.
Boundaries within the context of a relationship, as in boundaries "between" two people -- this is what I have not understood. A boundary in my mind has always been a way of protecting myself, like a line of defense. Thus I had always imagined and envisioned and attempted to apply a boundary as something that the other person must follow or comply with, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that a boundary is put in place by me for myself to abide by. So automatically I have gone into fear that the other person, the person between myself and whom I am putting a boundary, would not cooperate and thus my boundaries would be compromised. And so, I rarely if ever even tried. I did not realize I was in fact compromising myself by operating this way.
Specifically, Out of the Fog describes "boundaries" as:
"Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits." [emphasis mine]
I can see here that I must reframe what "boundary" means to me, and that within this a boundary is really just an agreement with myself about what I will or will not do, who I will or will not be, what I will or will not accept or allow as myself as who I am and what I do, say, think, etc., because here I see that I can only control myself, and so to set a boundary with the expectation that another person will comply is foolish. So a "boundary" is a way to make an agreement with myself on how I will support myself in self honesty and self responsibility to navigate relationships -- simply a way of re-creating myself to no longer allow myself to build a wall, and also to no longer allow myself to compromise myself by giving myself over completely to another / others.
And so now here I stand before a wall, having previously had nothing here, and now I must deconstruct that wall and in its place set boundaries for myself, to stand by and as myself, to not cross the boundary into self-compromise or co-dependency, to not allow myself to invest myself and divest of myself into people who are unkind, and also to not accept or allow myself to take the actions, words, behavior of others personally as an affront against me, but to stand stable. If I were stable, would I need boundaries? If I were stable within and as myself in all moments, and always taking full absolute responsibility for myself, would I need boundaries outside the context of actual abusive interactions? So the boundaries I set are really for myself, to not allow myself to destabilize myself or to do anything that is not self-responsible, ie, not expect another to take responsibility for me, and also not take responsibility as myself for another. My boundary is my stability. I'll not do that which would make me fall. I stand for me, therefore, as one, as equal, as all, as life, and if I can do this then the boundary itself will dissolve, and separation will not exist, because I will be one whole as myself.
If anyone has any perspective to share on boundary-setting and how to navigate relationships when they seem to not be fully supportive, please feel free and invited to share here.
Tomorrow or soon I will reflect on what I have written here and write self forgiveness and commitments. I will continue to look at boundaries and my "Wall or Nothing" system as well as other personalities and patterns within me that could be classified as aspects of "borderline personality disorder" as this diagnostic information provides a framework for seeing myself in many ways. I will also open up and further investigate myself as "co-dependent," as I see that this is very relevant within the perspective of boundaries as establishing what is my responsibility versus another's responsibility. I will also continue to reflect on boundaries within all of my relationships, past and present, to see how I have chosen to compromise myself and allowed myself to be abused / abused myself by not setting boundaries for myself.
Pertinent Previous Posts:
- Breaking Down the Wall Between My Father and Myself - Day 4
- Conflict Character - Day 73
- Holding Grudges and Retribution - Day 96
- Having Things "My Way" - Day 97
- Betrayal - Day 104
- The Grudge - Day 105
- Hindsight? Why Not See NOW? - Day 106
- SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112
- Forgiveness Defined - Day 113
- Emotions, Responsibility, and Actual Forgiveness - Day 114
- I am Not a True Friend - Day 118
- Learning to Let Go - Day 121
- The Sailor and the Storm Within - Day 122
- Getting Unstuck & Taking Responsibility - Day 125
- Resolving Conflict through Conversation with Myself - Day 126
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