Conflict Character - Day 73

My friend texted me today to tell me something I did the other day was not okay with her for various reasons. I acknowledged and apologized, and then she continued to express her anger. So I noticed a number of different reactions within myself. At certain points I typed out reactive/defensive responses that I fortunately thought better of than to send, so that here I assisted myself with my breath and with consideration of what it means to be self-responsible / take responsibility for myself, so that I was able to not only apologize as a kind of lip-service to get the conflict to end but actually to bring myself to actually look at myself and see how I had not accepted/allowed myself to be considerate of how my actions impact/affect others, and therefore apologize with sincerity as well as a new understanding of myself and what it means to take responsibility for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional energetic possession when I am confronted by someone as them telling me that I have done something that displeased them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defensive at this and to want to be angry back at them when they are angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do something in the first place which was careless and inconsiderate.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to do this thing carelessly in an energy where it is "fun" to be reckless and therefore it is just a "silly joke" and shouldn't matter.

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to consider another and how another might be impacted by my choices and what alternatives I could take to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish without impacting another negatively.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to basically laugh to/at myself for my reckless behavior within the knowledge that one person might become upset or think poorly/negatively of me for it, but to not care, and then to not consider how others about whom I do care would also react so that here I allowed myself to deliberately ignore what I could see and to otherwise blind myself to consequences that actually already mattered to me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to differentiate between consequences where if my actions impact one person I don't care, but if my actions impact another person then I feel bad.

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to consider the impact of my actions on another. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore this. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify this.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enter a negative energetic state when I was confronted to where I became visibly shaky and wanted to justify and excuse my behavior or brush it off as no big deal.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become more tense or anxious or overwhelmed each time I received a text message, thinking "oh great, what now?"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame the other for being upset because this person "always blows things out of proportion" and "never knows when to stop criticizing/disciplining."

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the above thoughts/beliefs as ammo against this person where this person is "in the wrong" and "should stop" being so mad at me, instead of allowing myself to see, realize, and understand this person's perspective as what is happening within them as who they are accepting and allowing themselves to be, and to simply take responsibility for myself where what another person does or does not do in a situation should have no impact on how or if I take responsibility for myself as what I do or do not do in a situation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to tell the other person that, "For the third time, I'm sorry, now if you need to keep being angry please do it elsewhere" because within this I have wanted to deflect responsibility and to make the interaction stop because I do not want to see myself as how my actions have impacted another or how my actions were careless and inconsiderate.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want the conversation to end, for the criticism to stop, so that I could "nurse my ego back to health." Here I realize that I do not want a healthy ego. I want to kill my ego. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, even after apologizing and choosing to take responsibility/ownership for my actions, want to make it all go away so that I could go back to ignoring my responsibilities to and as myself, so that I could go distract myself and allow my ego to regrow in ignoring what has occurred by shutting it up.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enter a puffed up ego self righteous self interested state where I wanted to defend behavior that I knew was careless and inconsiderate even as I did it.

I forgive myself that I almost accepted and allowed myself to lash back in defensiveness within the thought that "this always happens" and "I can't keep friends" and "I'm not good at friendships." I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see my responsibility within these statements and how I am the only person who can make those statements true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all friendships must end, and that they must end when conflict arises, and here I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I have failed myself and failed others in my response/reaction to conflict such that I choose to end / give up on friendships when conflict arises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impulsively react / say/do things that are not supportive of myself or another within self-responsibility and self-responsibility because I believe that this is easier than actually working through a conflict and forgiving myself and forgiving another.

I forgive myself that I never accepted or allowed myself to learn how to deal with conflict appropriately, how to address conflict, how to see myself and take responsibility for myself in conflict. I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict and to avoid conflict and to flee when conflict arises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the mistakes of and patterns within my family as my relationship to conflict.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to take responsibility for / ownership of myself as my actions when those actions bring about conflict because here I do not want to see myself as a person who is capable of doing anything wrong or of harming another or of being inconsiderate or careless. I forgive myself that in my attempt to avoid seeing myself in self-honesty, I have accepted and allowed myself to only perpetuate the carelessness, lack of consideration, pride, ego, etc. -- all the qualities and traits which I do not wish to see make themselves visible to others when I hide them from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/justify my reactionary behavior as defensive and argumentative and evasive is acceptable because I perceive the other person as being more mad than they should be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset when another is inconsiderate or careless when I myself am inconsiderate and careless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always look outward to how others could be doing better and to avoid looking at myself and working on myself and ensuring that I do the best I can as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self responsibility is a nice pretty concept but that I have not always accepted or allowed myself to really see, realize, and understand how self responsibility is a verb, it is something I must actually do and apply within myself, that I must actually physically direct myself to take responsibility for myself as who I am to create myself as one with and equal to all life as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my ego, pride, and self-interest the definitive factors of who I am, more important than oneness and equality, more important than humility, more important than understanding, more important than responsibility, more important than self honesty / seeing myself, more important than this opportunity to learn, more important than what is best for all.


When and as I see myself doing something reckless/careless/inconsiderate, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I am already sensing that this action might be these things, I probably shouldn't do it. I commit myself to stopping and having a look at myself and my starting point and what the potential consequences/outflows of my behavior are. Are there functional alternative behaviors? What am I trying to accomplish, and what might I inadvertently accomplish instead?

When and as I see myself becoming possessed by an emotional energetic reaction to conflict or being confronted with ways that I have displeased another, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an opportunity to understand myself through another, and to understand another. I realize that this is an opportunity to take responsibility for myself in a challenging way -- a way that will assist and support me in furthering my self development as what is best for all. I realize it will be challenging! But I commit myself to facing conflict / confrontation head-on and seeing myself within self honesty and self responsibility as best I can, and then reflecting on how I did and what I can see within myself that is resisting change to and as equality and oneness and what is best for all.