Mind-Seeing vs Eye-Seeing & Projecting Self-Judgments as Sourced by Others - Day 49

For the last few weeks at my job I've occasionally been noticing some anxiety in myself where I feel "awkward" around my coworkers, especially one in particular who is especially invested in whether or not I continue to work there as I was her replacement and therefore she has been invested in that job getting done well. So sometimes I have been looking at this person and her body language toward me and her words toward me / in general and I have interpreted them to mean that she is upset with me or doesn't like me because I am not staying at this job or that she thinks I am bad at the job.

So obviously I have to bring this back to myself: and here I see that I feel that I am not very good at this job, and I know that I am not giving it my all, and I know that I am not enjoying my responsibilities. I also see that I feel embarrassed for the way things have progressed within this situation and also I feel like I am letting others down, and also like I am letting myself down by sabotaging an opportunity that pays well, etc.

I had actually written a draft about this a few weeks ago when this reaction within me was much stronger. Having written about it I resolved a lot of what was going on, but today I noticed it again in reaction to something specific she said wherein I clearly saw myself and felt guilty, where she basically said "if you X [negative feeling state toward job assignment] then you must be a total jerk," and I saw that I was X, although I don't know if she thinks/knows that I am X, and I have thought about my participation within and as X throughout my time in this position even before hearing her say this, and I have come up with justifications for X to where I have continually deliberately accepted and allowed X.

So I know that I am feeling these anxieties and paranoia independent of what any other person or individual or group feels or thinks of me. These feelings are mine. So I should be able to know, then, that I am likely to project these feelings onto others in order to substantiate them, in order to manifest them in the physical, in order to sustain them within my mind.

So I should be able then to know that within my eyes as I look at this girl and see her behavior toward me, that my eyes are looking through the filters of my mind -- in fact I see in my mind, not in my physical eyes -- that I am interpreting what I see on the basis of what I have already thought, felt, and believed about myself and about the situation. I should be able to know that when and as I look at this girl and think that I see her disapproving of me, I am actually disapproving of myself, and projecting that disapproval.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my judgments of myself onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the relationships that I create with others through my projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself further in reaction to the judgments of myself that I project onto and therefore perceive as coming from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive others as judging me and to react to this perception, wherein within this, even if another is judging me, their judgment is theirs and is not definitive of who I am or who I can be.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take ownership of the judgments that are mine of myself but to instead project those judgments out to where I perceive them as coming from others and thus can then play the role of victim and abdicate responsibility for what I see in and as myself that is not self-honest and is not self-responsible and is not best for all.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bitter within the role that I am playing at this job where I experience a lot of backchat and a lot of deep breathing just to get through the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as an ambivalence about this job to where it is obvious to me that I do not enjoy it and yet I participate in the role of the victim because I have effectively been "let go" after I attempted to resign so that I abdicate responsibility within this decision and within my relationship to this job.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to really see and accept the body language and verbal language which communicates praise or approval but that I only latch onto and read into body language and verbal language which I interpret/perceive as negative about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impatient with my assignment at this job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my self-interest first in my performance at this job.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how my assignment at this job holds potential to be a huge huge huge mirror for me in that there are shared struggles and anxieties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be someone that I don't like at this job and then that I have attempted to hide who I am at this job from others within the expectation that others will continue to see me as hard-working and positive and good at my job.

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to proceed through the process of this job with stability within and as my breath. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a LOT of mind energy at the beginning of this job, effectively self-sabotaging within my position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically ignore who I know I am within this job wherein I know that I am not working hard and I am abdicating responsibility and I am not doing the best that I could do and to justify all of this with "well I haven't been trained" or "they let me go" or in some other way "I shouldn't have to" work hard or "they don't deserve" to have me work hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as "X" wherein I have a really nasty ugly attitude about my assignment and am not participating within life as one as equal as best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to really see, realize, and understand how my perceptions and what I "see" is a mechanism through and as my mind wherein I cannot see without the filter of my mind because I am so used to seeing through and as my mind to where seeing then occurs within my mind within my mind's interpretations and reactions to where I rarely ever actually see but only perceive. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conceive of my perceptions as reality.


When and as I see myself projecting my judgments about myself onto others and then reacting to those judgments to where I feel guilty or embarrassed because I want people to like me and I do not want people to be upset, I stop and I breathe. I realize that these judgments are mine, they are my own creation, and that within them I should look at myself. I commit myself to turn these judgments back to myself within ownership within self-honesty and self-responsibility to see what within and as myself is contributing to the creation of these self-judgments. I commit myself to take ownership of these judgments and to take responsibility for myself.

When and as I see myself doing a bad job, I stop and I breathe. I realize that here I see myself and that nonetheless I am deliberately choosing to continue doing a bad job. I commit myself to apply myself and direct myself to be the best me in every moment within self-honesty and self-responsibility for myself for what is best for all, releasing myself from my backchat about the specifics of my employment and directing myself within and as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself thinking negative thoughts/having a negative attitude ("X") about my assignment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am finding further justification for not caring about doing a good job and that I am placing another as less than me or less than others. I realize that I am not treating another as I would like to be treated. I realize that this is really nasty and ugly and not okay, even if I am only going to be at this assignment for another week or two. I commit myself to treat all as one as equal as what is best for all in self-honesty and self-responsibility.

When and as I see myself participating within and as the belief that my perceptions are absolutely accurate and that the interpretations of my mind of what information my eyes deliver to my mind are accurate and based in reality, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the brain and mind are complicated machines which run programs and create shortcuts and repeat patterns. I realize that what I perceive through and as my mind is not the same as what my eyes physically see. I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath and to attempt to see purely through and as my physical eyes to see without judgment, see without interpretation, see without projection, to REALLY ACTUALLY SEE.


So here I see an example:

If I have an "honest" look at myself, I see that I am not doing my best. I see that I am participating in backchat and justifications toward why I shouldn't do my best. So here I see myself "honestly" which is to say that I am not lying to or deceiving myself within what I see.

But I continue nonetheless. So here we have a lack of self-honesty to where even though I am "seeing myself 'honestly,'" I am not being self-honest in that I am not being honest to and as myself as what I honestly see within myself. I am not living within and as integrity in myself as one as equal as life as what is best for all.

So here then is the difference between seeing myself honestly and self-honesty, wherein self-honesty is one and the same with what is best for all?