I have found thus far that sometimes it is not ideal or most supportive to push myself to write on points that seem unspecified or too big. "Too big," like maybe I am too close, because I am still in the experience or am still experiencing the consequences -- I do not have appropriate perspective to see. So here to take a step back and to allow myself the time and space to move through the experience, and then to reflect on it and see it from "farther away" when it can therefore all fit into my range of view.
I want to continue writing on Reacting in Relationships - Day 67, but I notice that I am still reacting and am still creating justifications for my reactions, as well as reacting to interactions and relationships at work, other relationships, beliefs about myself in further reaction to these reactions, and uncertainty in terms of my current employment longevity... So basically I'm having a hard time making my mind shut up. Are there times that it would be self-supportive to look at these reactions and justifications as they are occurring? Yes, I believe so. I question if it is giving in to resistance to abstain from looking now through writing. Perhaps it is, but actually I have written quite a bit, I just haven't finished anything. I want to look self-honestly and I want to really see, and at the moment I sense that I am going to miss some of what there is to see and observe within myself if I attempt to write it as it is occurring and as I am resisting seeing. Just as I am continuing to justify the reactions, I will also justify a lack of self honesty within my writing as I push to complete the post from the starting point of the self judgment that I should be able to write on the point as it is happening.
So instead I stop, and I breathe, and I take a step back from myself as who I am in all of these attempts to write. I see that there is a lot that I have allowed within and as myself that is coming to the surface in the last few days, mainly depression, work ethic, and this relationship, which bleeds into all relationships -- and it all seems interrelated, as it actually is, as these are just some of the many things which comprise the person I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a network of beliefs and reactions and justifications and thoughts etc. etc. These are hefty topics which I wish to address with self-honesty and responsibility to write diligently and with integrity. If I see that I am not at this moment capable of doing a "good job" in writing these points, then obviously I do not want to write out a post on them in order to believe I have done the work or simply to publish something which is relevant to my current experiences.
So here I make an agreement with myself to give myself the time and space to see myself in my internal experiences and to live out self corrective applications as myself through my breath in order to resolve the continued energetic experiences so that I can see them in their entirety and clarify for myself what it is that I am seeing. I make an agreement with myself to give myself the space to breathe as my tool for self stabilization in the midst of these reactions. And here I commit to myself to not judge myself within this decision and agreement with myself, to not allow myself to judge this as failure but instead to see it as an attempt at self support, a trial in giving myself space and time to support myself in self-honest reflection of my experience and how I can best apply my varied tools of self support, where here really this is the only "reason" needed: self honest self support.
-- edited and added a few minutes later --
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to take my own advice, where here in reflecting on this post in the exhalation of submitting it I see that I have acknowledged that these points are "big" and "interrelated" and as such they encompass much of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, and within this I now see that I will be able to address these points in myriad form through addressing smaller points within these points as they come up in my daily lived experience as who I am, because these points comprise who I am. So here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure on myself to continue walking specifically these points of "depression" and "relationships" especially because they have come up in specific form, not realizing that these points come up in myriad form on a daily basis and that by seeing myself in whatever way is most pertinent is still seeing myself as who I am which includes seeing myself in "depression" and "relationships" because it is all interrelated and interconnected as who I am. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within what I have specified that I "want" to write about simply because I have created an expectation of myself to continue on these specific topics within a certain time frame without realizing that it will all be opened up and walked eventually and that the most effective and in fact efficient way to walk is step by step, not forcing myself to skip around to different steps out of necessity within the expectations I have created.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a pressure around writing a blog post such that even after I have written multiple posts and rejected all but one as "worthy" of publishing, it is only after publishing that I feel a "relief" of a kind of "exhalation" from basically "holding my breath" where I literally experienced a shortness of breath, so that after publishing I finally experience some freedom from the pressure I created where now I am able to see more clearly and to move more freely within my application of self reflective self honesty and writing applications.
So now when and as I see myself participating within and as an experience of pressure to address a certain topic or a certain pre-determined "quality" of topic, I stop and I breathe. I ask: Who am I within this? Why am I requiring this of myself? What is my starting point? I realize that all points must be walked at some point and that it is most supportive, effective, and efficient to walk that point which is in front of me, which is the next step in this step by step process. So here I commit myself to releasing myself from the pressure that I place on myself in suffocating myself in my process where I create limitations and expectations on what and how I should write and walk points. I commit myself writing myself as my experience in that moment or in that day. I commit myself to walking my process one step at a time, one step after the other, breath by breath, always breathing, and noticing when I feel I cannot breathe, and investigating that.
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