Stability in Effective Communication - Day 176

My current theory that I am working with is the importance of being stable in order to be effective in communication, and also of basically "meeting someone where they're at" in order to assist and support them through and out of their reaction / experience and understanding that their experience is the extent of their perspective / their sense of "reality".

Here is a really cool post by Emmi about effective communication / sharing perspectives / support: http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/days-334-335-giving-feedback-to-friend.html

This comes up a lot for me at work, as I have written about some in recent posts. It also comes up sometimes with the students, who sometimes might lie or stretch the truth about their experience either at home, in their childhood, or in the classroom as to why they have been sent out for some kind of discipline / intervention.

What I am learning here, and got some confirmation in terms of my approach from one of the therapists, is that it really doesn't matter if they're lying or stretching the truth. What a person communicates as their experience is apparently what they want to work with. So if a kid for example is lying about their behavior in the classroom and says that the teacher sent them out for "no reason" (example: the student was whistling while other students were also talking, and the teacher sent that student out without any warnings), we can still approach the situation thus from understanding the shared perspective of the student and implement solutions based on their perspective (even if, when asking the teacher, we find out the student cussed at the teacher when asked to stop whistling and may have also been play-fighting with a peer) (example: explain to student that during class time no one really should be talking or whistling or singing; just because other students were doing this does not make it okay, and although it is unfortunate that this student was chosen to be sent outside, other students engaging in similar behavior does not make it okay -- you are responsible for yourself).

I had another student the other day that I talked to for about an hour who told me she had been to a juvenile detention center and had friends and family there, and so she did not care if she went back, and therefore she did not care about the consequences for if she were to follow through on her desire to break a specific staff member's nose.

I found out later that according to those with access to her record, as far as they know, she has never been to juvie.

But, the next time I talk to her, if she mentions it, I'm not going to tell her that I know she's never been and call her out on her lie. What does it matter? The motivation, most likely, behind her lying and saying she doesn't care about the consequences is probably as a way to seek out power and control over a situation by purporting that she can do whatever she wants and she doesn't care about the consequences, and also put up a wall to keep others out from even trying to help her calm down or deal with her anger in a productive way. A lot of these kids have very little when they go home, and very little support in their families, so what they do have is their words and their actions and through that, in this culture, they believe they gain the most power by acting tough, getting into fights, or making threats, also basically bragging about how much trouble they've gotten into.

So it doesn't really matter whether or not she's ever been to juvie. It's irrelevant. What's relevant is that I want her to stay in school and I want her to make choices that will support her now and in her future, and I want to encourage her to want the same things for herself (actually, what's really relevant shouldn't start with so many statements about what I want, but you get the picture). I want her to learn new skills for dealing with anger, not just justify her desire for violence with her apathy about incarceration and give up on her because she purports to not care about consequences. I can share with her my own experiences with anger, which I did, and which was cool because in sharing that I am once again given the opportunity to learn more about myself, and I can help her find ways to empower herself rather than giving herself over to her anger / memories of living in fear which "required" violence to survive.

Then this concept is also relevant even when someone is not lying or stretching the truth. A person's experience is their experience. It's where they're at. I recently had a very difficult time with this because I was having some very extreme energetic experiences (I still do sometimes), and the person who was trying to interact with me did not understand this and did not, basically, respect where I'm at, which is not the same as where they're at. Because of this, our interaction and communication was ineffective. For me, I completely lacked tact, because I was completely and utterly consumed by my anger and reactive energy, so that my anger was louder than my words and, I presume, made it difficult for the other person to hear me honestly. For the other person, I believe that the ineffectiveness came from not being able to understand me or empathize or even sympathize with my experience of myself, nor was this person apparently able to even accept or understand / trust the words I explicitly expressed. That is my perspective of what happened, anyway -- my experience that I have to work with.

I could have slowed down and taken the time to express myself effectively by letting go of the reactive energy and just communicating my experience without the anger. And I actually feel that I did that a number of times, but, then, I was still in at least some energy, so perhaps I was not as effective as I thought. What I felt I came up against however was a person who refused to understand me no matter how many times I explained myself (which, because of the energy I was creating, was very exhausting), whether due to incompetence or negligence or simply not being in a position to properly understand me (so, their experience / where they're at / what they understand -- seems likely*). I did try many times however, perhaps not always effectively (I mean, obviously: there was no productive effect) and what I found was that I was abandoning myself in my reaction to the process of trying to be understood by someone who might never understand, and who really doesn't need to understand, at least not as much as I need to take responsibility for myself and my reactions (which is to say, I should have taken responsibility for my reactions by directing and releasing them before trying to communicate / make myself understood because this is clearly best for all -- best for me in terms of taking care of and responsibility for myself and best for the other in terms of me being ready and stable to communicate effectively / not just barrage them with my anger).

*(And what I just noticed here is again this kind of "double-standard" almost where my experience was considered and treated as invalid because it was emotion-based, but their experience was considered valid because it was a "subtle" thing they "had not yet realized"... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated by this and also enter a state of like "superiority" in noticing this because it makes me feel as if I am "right." I realize "right" and "wrong" does not matter -- only realizing and then changing self in self-responsibility to live as what is best for all. I do however consider this as a way of giving myself the gift of validation for my own experience and the decision that I made to support myself in my experience, whereby I can trust myself instead of doubting myself, where here I am aware of my experience and so must direct it as I see best in self honest self support as what is best for all, rather than accepting and allowing myself to use this realization as justification for my anger / perpetuating my experience even after seeing it or expecting another person to take responsibility for my experience / trying to take responsibility for another's experience.)

This is a long-standing pattern for me in a way, of really disliking the idea of being misunderstood and so getting stuck on that point and trying to make myself understood even to people who don't want to understand me. In this case I felt that I needed to be understood in part so that I could communicate a boundary and hopefully have it respected (fear-driven). But I just couldn't keep on engaging in the conversations / arguments, because they were so ineffective in terms of having the other person understand me and in terms of self-support, and within them I was really not understanding myself and understanding that I really needed me to show up for myself and take care of myself because I was creating so much energy that I was not directing and that I was allowing to consume me and make me sick.

So I wish that this other person was better at this skill of understanding another person's experience as being the extent of their perspective / what they have to "work with" (and it must be worked with, not just set aside as "not real"). But this is a skill I am still learning, so I support myself now to investigate it and live it. My experience may be created through and as my mind but that doesn't make it NOT my present experience / understanding of reality, if I have not yet figured out how to release myself from that experience -- it is the prison in which I am living and I haven't yet realized I am holding the key or how to unlock myself. So for another person to claim that they want to support me from a place of stability as what is best for all, and then to not even respect what I am communicating about myself and my experience... well this is very confusing, and makes me think that this person's experience / understanding is also influencing their perspective in such a way that we will not come to a common understanding as long as we are both clinging to our respective experiences -- as such I took responsibility to take the experience that was mine and work with it for and by myself. And I realized that my energy was just too extreme for me to contain and direct while continually engaging in these kinds of interactions where I felt misunderstood alongside a great many other conflict-related and memory-related points I was facing in these interactions, also coinciding with difficult points in other areas of my life. So, I was not able to further refine my communication so as to make it (more) effective, and I could no longer produce the patience needed to be understood, because through focusing on this from the starting-point of wanting to be understood by someone else, I was not really taking care of or taking responsibility for myself.

Did I really fully understand the other? I don't know. I was not really in a position to. The idea was that I was the one who was "hurt." I guess that is a victim character of believing that I have no or less responsibility in a solution interaction if I am the one who is hurt; that it is more up to the "perpetrator" to listen to me and do what I need in order for me to begin to heal. I mean it really doesn't seem "fair," does it, this whole phenomenon of the oppressed having to carry the burdens placed on them by their oppressors, and then also having then to educate those oppressors about those burdens, only to have more burdens placed on them as the oppressors doubt, question, or otherwise do not embrace or respect the oppressed's experience as "true" inasmuch as it is the experience they are having, let alone the experience placed upon them via the oppressor's actions (or inactions). And that phenomenon is precisely one of the many ways that these interactions were just allowing me to re-enact my relationship with my dad.

But, that's the way it tends to go, as long as we accept and allow ourselves to be internally influenced and directed by the reactions we have to external factors. I could be a legitimate "victim" of some real heinous travesties and yet maintain stability if this was a skill I had mastered, but I have not yet mastered self direction, self trust, and stability, and so I gave myself over to the victim character in this and many other situations.

And so I learn now to not stay in "harmful situations" for too long, and I learn to only ultimately trust myself (so not to distrust others, but also not to miss-trust (trust by mistake) others), and I learn to clear myself of my reactions when and as I hear another person say something that doesn't seem self honest / trustworthy, or when my reaction is not trustworthy / whenever I see myself becoming unstable and shifting away from my own self-honest perspective -- a skill I hadn't yet acquired for many of these old interactions that I still carry around to inform and justify my anger (so now to forgive myself as these memories as they surface in anger). And I also learn to not engage in communication unless or until I can be effective, which means having a stable starting point.

I also learn the futility of coming up with and trying to point out what the other person should have done differently. I can only take responsibility for myself. Pointing this out only serves to justify anger and project blame / responsibility onto another, as if their actions determine mine.

One thing that I do realize I need to work on and expand within myself is the point of direct communication, which is something this person seemed to be kind of pointing out to me (from their perspective, did they communicate it to me as effectively as I thought I was communicating to them? hmmm haha). When you're paranoid and anxious and in a self-belief of inferiority, it can be difficult to direct oneself to communicate directly. You just kind of hope someone sees your pain or understands your need or can read your mind... you don't believe or trust that you're right, so why would you directly say what you're thinking, especially when living in fear that whatever you share/express of yourself will be rejected or even insulted? Or when what you think is directly contradicted by three other things you also think? That has been my internal experience when I am paranoid, anxious, and trusting others more than myself, anyway. But direct communication is obviously a huge part of effective communication and so obviously this is imperative to consider, and so I am glad that it came up in the communication we did have.

I also definitely should have seen and realized that I was in no position to be trying to communicate while I was so much in reaction. But I was pretty lost, and despite the advice given to me to wait until I was stable, I had to learn for myself. I also didn't really see myself coming out of reaction unless I got some "answers" or some communication / mutual understanding. What I found however was not mutual understanding, and so in my state of reaction, I just reacted more. I was not stable. So therein lies my responsibility, which is total, because without my insistence and sense of urgency in communicating even while in reaction, none of this would have come to pass, and my reactions would not have compiled and accumulated to an unmanageable degree.

But if you are going to try to support someone, you should be stable, no? I mean that is the first question we are trained to ask ourselves when facing a crisis with a student: "How am I feeling right now?" I mean if you are seeing that another person is highly reactive and you are thinking that you might be a good candidate to show up and assist and support them through and out of that reaction, then you should be stable, and not in reaction yourself. And I think if you're stable, and if you understand effective communication, then you'll understand that it is most effective to meet a person "where they're at." I mean you wouldn't help someone out of a maze by simply standing outside of it and telling them what the exterior looks like, would you?

So go into the maze with them. Keep the rope of your breath and self-honesty tied to you as you enter, but meet them where they are and lead them out. This is the approach I take with my students, this is the approach I am learning to take with my coworkers, and it is now too the approach I am learning to take not only in friendships / all external interactions of support, but indeed even the approach that I am learning to take with myself, to ground and stabilize myself in the physical as I delve into the depths of my mind to assist and support myself out of my mind and into and as life.

As Reality Changes, So Must I - Day 169

One of the things that I have identified as "stressful" recently has been the increased age and illness of my grandparents.

Today my mom came to me with a "proposition" where after two days ago my grandparents looked at and very much disliked an "old folks home" then yesterday we discussed the possibility of someone coming into their home each evening to help out, now today we are looking at the possibility of my mom and myself going over there on different evenings to help out. She wants me to pick two evenings that I would be able and willing to do this.

I am able and willing but I hit a couple road blocks that are basically like the spoiled brat within me coming out. Also fear.

So firstly I am in the process of living my life for myself, having released myself from certain energies I created in relationship. But obviously this cannot be done selfishly and so this is not an excuse to not help out members of my family who need help. But I notice that I get a little stuck on that point because I am not the greatest at time management or mood management and so free time + good mood coinciding is difficult to come about, where within that free time and good mood I can enjoy activities rather than waste time in a bad mood. Central there, I guess, is mood, which is great because "mood" is a thing I am learning how to direct, and taking some of "my" time to give to others (who happen to love me and have been of tremendous support within my life) is probably only going to serve as a support for learning to direct and manage my moods in a way that is best for all and best for me rather than merely self-serving.

So that point is moot.

Secondly I have this sense of feeling unsure, "awkward" even, of how to take care of my grandparents and ensure that their needs are met. Do I even believe I am capable of this? Well, what does the task involve? Going to their house right after work, sitting, chatting, maybe emptying the dishwasher, preparing whatever meal they will have that night, do the dishes, and leave. Maybe some days I will do laundry too. My mom says that sometimes when she goes over, she just sits on the couch or the patio and reads, because simply the fact that she is there is pleasant for them and then if they need anything they can call for her. So this is actually very simple. Also enjoyable, because I really do enjoy my grandparents.

I do tend to slip into this "youngest child," "baby" personality though where it's like I've always been the "observer" in my family, watching the "big people" do things and take care of things, and also sometimes argue. So in that sense I am now moving into, as an adult, the role of "actor," one who actually does those behaviors I have always watched, and I find that I have little confidence in my ability to do this and also feel like I will be watched judgmentally by those around me to make sure I am doing it right, which is a kind of pressure point and is completely self-made. I mentioned this somewhat to my mom and she pointed out that it is a point of growth, which makes sense. I am not a kid, even if sometimes my role as "the youngest" makes me feel perpetually like a kid, that is just a personality I created to cope from within my position in my family, and now I am an adult and I have self directive principle over myself, so to not limit myself within my beliefs about myself and of what I am capable or what others expect of me or what I should or should not do.

(A weird thing that I keep coming up against in the last few weeks/months and also with the idea of growing older is this idea of holding myself back in imagining myself as young, immature, incapable, etc., and hoping someone else will take care of certain things for me so that I don't ever have to learn how. But really, in the past 10 years I have done some of the very things that I now limit myself from doing in various forms and all with quite a bit of success. So what's with that? Fear of growing up? Increased anxiety? Removing layers (facades) of "functioning" personalities only to find some of the less functioning ones underneath?)

So again it seems as if this change of going to my grandparents' house two nights a week will in fact assist and support me to grow within this point, to release myself from self limitations of being "the youngest."

"The youngest" is also an interesting point in relation to victimization, which is something I have done a small bit of private writing on in regards to communication and work, where here in this instance it's that I have 2 older brothers and so I ask why I have to be the one to do this (and the answer is obvious) and so then feel like "I have to do everything," which then either serves to break me down or to build me up in my ego as I feel self-righteous in how I participate in more than others do and how I manage myself "so much better" than others and that is why I am entrusted with these kinds of tasks.

And that is interesting to look at in relation to what I was writing earlier today in regards to self-victimization in relation to "effective and tactful communication," so perhaps I will try to find a good time to share that here.

Lastly, and perhaps most avoided through the above points, is simply sadness. Grief. Not liking what is happening and not being able to do anything about it*. A feeling of revolt about the idea of going to a stressful job only to leave and "work" at my grandparents' house (because this "bad thing" has happened), and tied to that the idea that I have no one with whom to share that grief: Loneliness. Within that I notice an urge or desire to basically "complain" and to make it sound as if I have it bad. But I don't. I just feel alone, and so that is some weird misguided tactic to get attention / support from others, whereas the converse of that is to act as if it is no big deal at all, as often happens when someone does in fact offer me their sympathy. The solution is to stand tall and stable as myself, supporting myself, and to continue to do what I can to support myself in all areas of my life.

(*But actually I can do a lot about it: I can ensure that my grandparents continue to enjoy their lives even up to the very end, and I can support my grandma by researching ways to support individuals facing Alzheimer's and I can make her a schedule so that she knows what is happening etc. etc. I cannot change reality, no, but I can support it to exist in a way that is best for all. To resign myself in defeat and not do anything because I believe I cannot do anything is self dishonest and self irresponsible and only allows me to get more and more cozy and enmeshed within my self limitations.)

The idea of wanting someone to "lean on" or "go through this with" is an interesting one, because within it I reject the individuals who are naturally already here: My mom, my grandparents, my other family members. We are all going to deal and cope differently. What is it exactly that I perceive as being the thing that another person could give me that I think I need? Why can't I get that from myself, if not my family members? Sympathy, support, understanding, maybe a hug here and there. By insisting on getting this from someone else, I am insisting that I am not enough. I mean this is where the belief comes from. I am not enough, because I have not entrusted myself to be enough for myself.

So the solution again is to be enough for myself, again to come back to myself, again to support myself first and to not move until or unless I am the one moving myself, as self directive principle of myself, which I will not do unless or until I am stable within myself.

It is interesting how I resist adding things to the mixture of my daily life within the belief that this will somehow limit my expansion or development and put a "wrench in my plans" where here I notice that I am planning and so am trying to control and so am in my mind and so am not in the physical, whereas the physical is always changing and fluctuating and to support myself is to create myself as stable within that fluctuation, able to adapt and adjust and move myself deliberately to support my environment and reality to exist in such a way that is best for all, rather than moving against it and sabotaging what is already here and already breaking so that it breaks more because I am refusing to take responsibility for myself and insisting that others do this for me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change and new developments within reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hung up on all of my internal fears and beliefs to such an extent that I tend to finally feel "caught up" with reality just when reality shifts again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to assist and support myself into a version of stability that only takes into consideration and account my present experience of reality, within this therefore not assisting or supporting myself to remain stable when and as reality shifts and changes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to throw like a little tantrum at being asked to show up and assist and support my grandparents in a selfless way. I realize that actually in doing this I will be assisting and supporting myself to grow and expand and mature and within this I will be able to see realize and understand new things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to self-victimization when and as I feel overwhelmed with my life circumstances in such a way where it's like I count all the various things I have to "deal" with and feel upset about it rather than stopping, breathing, and dealing with what is in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist the very things that could and will likely assist and support me to grow and expand because I have feared change and I have believed that there is some kind of end-point to my "recovery" where at some point I will no longer have to adapt and adjust or "work" but instead will simply "be" and be able to remain in a state of stability.

Maybe. Maybe I can. But not until I do the work and continue to adjust and adapt and learn how to just be with what is, in a state of stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a point of self-victimization where within it I want to have someone to basically complain to and give me sympathy and act like they understand and maybe let me cry on their shoulder, like as if this makes anything "better" when really nothing is "wrong," simply I am not accepting or allowing myself to support myself absolutely, instead am drifting off into caveats within my mind wherein I think about how "bad" things are or otherwise am allowing myself to get caught up in my internal emotional energetic movements rather than standing stable as self directive principle of myself and dealing with what is here in physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely every time that something new and "bad" happens because I realize that I basically have no one to complain to about it and so then I feel lonely and even less capable of dealing and I believe that this is some form of self-care to wish I had outside support, but if I step back and look at it, where am I heading within that energy? Nowhere. Down. Stuck.

I commit myself to committing to taking care of my family whatever way I can that makes sense, and I realize this way makes a lot of sense.

I commit myself to not run away from the things that I fear just because I fear them. I commit myself to stop and look at the fear and see myself as the source of the fear as my beliefs and judgments. I commit myself to walk through the fear to the other side and see that there is more room there to grow.

I commit myself to realize that things change and that reality shifts and changes and that to support myself is to support myself to be stable within all environments even those that change.

I realize that there is no stopping point and no end point to this process, that as far as I can see I will always be adjusting and adapting and growing and expanding and facing points within myself to birth myself to life. Maybe someday I will be stable without so much effort. But not today.

I realize the skills I am learning now about self awareness and self regulation and self support are skills which will expand but could one day be mastered. Not today though, and not by magic, only by practice as practical application.

So today I commit myself to continuing to be here within and as myself and seeing what is around and within me and seeing how I can assist and support myself to remain stable no matter what.

Analyzing My Dog's Eating Behavior, and My Reactions - Day 157

Hazel basil!

Tonight I want to write about my dog. I was inspired to finally do this after reading this post, because my dog is getting older every day (she is 9, nearing 10), I do not want for her to pass away, and I realize that I care more about her in my imagination of her passing than I do in her actual presence here with me, alive.

In the past I have begun to write about my dog because I have struggled to understand her eating behavior, and I have wanted to figure out what's going on with her relationship to food and how I can support her. 

I've begun to write, and then seen the obvious, and then scratched writing because I felt I already knew what to do (well, that is not the whole truth; I will get to that). The main thing I thought I should do is return to regularly scheduled feeding times, as that is how her eating was when I first got her (when she was already 5 years old), but eventually transformed into irregular feeding / keeping her bowl full for the most part. She seems to get anxious about food this way, and seems to stand and stare at a full bowl and whine at me, sometimes until I coax her to eat her food / give her permission, and sometimes she will not eat until I am also eating something (this I sometimes see as neat because sometimes I am delaying eating and am hungry and am risking a migraine, and she whines at me like as if to remind me that it is important to eat; but maybe that is just my imagination!). 

Sometimes she will go a day or two without touching her food, although lately, since I have begun to feed her more consistently every morning and every evening (would I previously go a day or two without giving her food...? I don't think that long, but perhaps I was not consistent enough for her to trust that she would be fed!), she seems to eat at least one serving (bowl) per day. Some days I come home from work and she still has not touched the food from that morning. Some mornings I wake up and she has not touched the food from the previous night. 

I don't know what happened with her previous owner. Although she was never without a sheltered space to live and someone who I assume fed her, she was basically abandoned, so I don't have a lot of information about her life before I met her. 

Truthfully though, my primary aim in trying to figure out her eating behavior has not been to support her. Primarily I have reached the point of figuring this out not out of curiosity or a desire to make her life the best quality I can provide. Instead I have in the past come to the point of figuring this out because I get so frustrated by her whining. Because I am more interested in doing whatever it is that I am doing, as if it is so important, indeed more important than this other life to whom I am the sole provider of care and who depends and relies on me for her livelihood, entertainment, protection, understanding, etc.  

So self-judgment on that point has been part of why I have stopped myself from actually figuring it out and making practical commitment / solutions to try. Instead I shut myself up in shame / guilt and a belief that I am a terrible person / pet owner. 

I have kind of tried to implement one basic change that I discovered through my preliminary writing, which is to return to a more regular feeding schedule. She seems to do better with regular feeding. However she still treats her food with mostly a seeming disdain, until I add fish oil capsules or some coconut oil, or scraps from my own meals. 

When I first took her into my care, she was eating Iams, which I have heard, although I've not researched for myself, is filled with things that are rather bad for dogs; maybe even roadkill. I think that I bought one large bag of some fancy kibble from some specialty pet store, then switched her over to raw food. I had met a dog a few months prior who was on a raw (homemade) diet and its fur was extremely soft; I couldn't believe how soft. So I wanted my dog's fur to be this soft. Interesting to recall this now, since her fur is actually why I started writing this particular post. Now in reflecting I see that this dog's fur was very much a different texture and length and style from my dog's fur. I thought that raw food would like magically make her fur soft and fluffy and light, but her fur is naturally straight and coarse. It's kind of medium in length, but sticks relatively close to her body. Labrador fur, basically, and australian cattle dog -- the two breeds I was told she's a mixture of. 

She was on raw (store-bought) food for quite a few months and she was voracious about her meals during that time. I purchased raw food patties, basically, and also turkey necks (which she preferred to traipse off with into corners of the house to enjoy by herself, but due to the mess factor I could not allow this), which I kept frozen, then thawed, then gave to her. She would generally consume her meals during this time in literally under 5 seconds. The whole thing was quite an ordeal that involved a lot of scheduling and cleaning. It was also extremely expensive, so much so that I was not really able to feed her quite enough (although as far as I know, dogs who eat enough raw food are still rather skinny, as was the one with soft fur that I first met). So, eventually I switched her back to kibble.

I don't know a lot about dog kibble beyond what the employees at the fancy specialty pet stores tell me. I've had her on at least 3 different highly recommended kibbles. Whenever we first make a change, she is usually excited and eager for about the first week, if that. However, every time, she eventually treats her food with somewhat of a disdain again. Leaving the dish full, avoiding it, just looking at it or ignoring it. 

Some other points to mention include a behavior she has toward her dish that she has displayed ever since we first moved to Denver (I don't recall her doing this in Seattle... I believe I had her on a timed feeding schedule for all of our time there, so perhaps it is part of this food anxiety from the change in feeding schedule that promotes this behavior?). She will nudge her food dish around with her nose, often ending up with the dish pushed under a shelf or otherwise inaccessible, or with the dish knocked upside down, often covering the food, so that in these instances her food becomes inaccessible to her and as far as I can tell she has eaten none. (hmmm, like burying her food??) She used to pretty much only do this while I was away at work, and I would also come home to find items (such as socks) that I had left on the floor put into her water dish (these I believe she was trying to nudge over her food dish, but her water dish at the time was positioned right next to it in a kind of wrought iron holder). This is unusual, but most alarming to me is that this has often resulted in her creating a little open wound on the tip of her nose which bleeds and scabs over. I don't suppose she's actually trying to hurt herself, but it bothers me that this is the result, perhaps in part because of my own history of intentionally hurting myself, and also seeing for example incidents wherein children have inadvertently hurt themselves due to engaging in maladaptive coping behaviors. 

Okay, so she is probably not trying to injure herself. She is probably, most apparently, trying to bury her food. Save it for later? Again this points to not trusting that she will be fed regularly -- so to go back to a strict timed feeding schedule. 

Another point to mention is that it seems that no matter what kibble I give to her, she eats dog poop at the park, and with the kibble she currently eats, she is also a voracious grass eater, every day, most opportunities she can get (so, I don't think it's that she's sick, because she very rarely throws it up). Recently she has also started to eat dirt, although it's not just any dirt, it seems like she'll find a spot she likes and come back to it -- so perhaps there is something else in that spot that I am unaware of. Some people I have talked to suggest that this might mean she is missing nutrients in her regular food, but this is frustrating to me since I buy her very expensive and highly recommended food. I suppose I need to learn more about what exactly is in it, and what exactly she might need. 

She also will eat any food trash she can access, and I have always had to use a baby gate or somehow otherwise make the trash inaccessible. This might again point to a lack of nutrients. It could also indicate that she is very bored with the taste and/or texture of her kibble, which could be the consequence of having been "spoiled" with raw food. It could also say something about her food-related anxiety, like that she will eat whatever she can get, except the food that is actually given to her, which she seems to either reject as worthless, or set aside for later as very valuable... How to tell which, I'm not sure. 

One thing I see repeatedly here is that I am frustrated by her behavior, when her behavior is most likely an indication that she is probably very frustrated herself. 

And so then that leads me to why I really started this post, which is her skin / fur. Part of why I choose to buy her such expensive food is because every pet store employee I talk to tells me that this or that kibble should be good for her fur, and make it soft. 

She has very bad dandruff. Usually even just 2 or 3 days after a bath, her fur is oily and/or dry and flaky. She also absolutely loves rolling in grass, although one person pointed out that she might actually be allergic to grass and this act of herself trying to scratch her own back might actually be making her condition worse. Or, she might have some other kind of allergy about which I am unaware.

(It has been presumed by many that she has an allergy because she is basically bald around her eyes. But, in the almost 5 years that I've known her and the variety of different foods she has eaten, this has never really changed.)

The main point for me here is that I do not like to pet, scratch, or even really touch her once her fur gets to a certain degree of being dirty, which happens quickly. So now I have a dog living under my care who does not like to eat the food I give her, and whom I do not touch as much as she would obviously like and deserves. 

The interesting thing here is that when I first got her, she was very very very un-trusting of me, and did not really let me touch her hardly at all, as much as I wanted to. So I took a long time gaining her trust, only to now be abusing it because I know that she loves me and needs me and wants my attention, and yet I do not give it to her because of details she cannot control -- details which in fact probably bother her a lot more than they bother me, because it is obvious that her skin is very uncomfortable and itchy for her. 

Here at least is a nice example of a time that we
learned and were challenged together to conquer
an apparent fear of swimming with a blatant
love of squeaky tennis balls. :)

(And here I could go off into a tangent about the quality of my relationship with her in general, what it is like for us to exist together in this home, and how it is unsatisfactory and really not acceptable that we are not more of a "team" so to speak, for lack of my own participation in creating / sustaining that kind of relationship.) 

Presently I try to give her a bath about every 2-3 weeks, although tomorrow I am planning to give her another one after only 1 week having passed because her fur is so dry and itchy. I have a "medicated" shampoo that has green tea and tea tree oil in it, but it does not have oatmeal which is one of the #1 things I have heard recommended (and which when I have used in the past has worked well), so I will have to also purchase some of that kind of shampoo and maybe switch back and forth. 

I also have to continue to stick to a routine feeding schedule, and I should probably also go back to having her sit and wait before releasing her to eat as this is what she was used to from when I fed her raw food and had her on a timed eating schedule, and is perhaps why she sometimes just stands there and whines at me until I encourage / coax her to eat. 

I can also investigate food ingredients and nutritional needs and see what other foods I might try. I can also continue to supplement her food with tasty treats that will entice her to eat the entire dish. 

I can rule out that the kibble is too hard, as compared to raw food, because she is a lover of bones and spends the majority of her day gnawing at them, so I am certain that her teeth are quite strong, but perhaps there is another point to look at in that realm, I do not know. 

I can be sure to brush her regularly too so as to release shedded hair so that it does not add to her itchiness (or my floor!). 

I can also suck it up and give my dog some physical attention multiple times throughout the day, and just wash my hands after since they become so dusty and dirty from touching her even less than a week after her last bath. 

I also really need to be on top of getting her nails trimmed regularly, which I have already determined will happen every other Monday morning, because I see that when they get too long her nails begin to bend toward or away from each other, which invariably affects her toes and joints and I have heard that this is how dogs get arthritis, among other avenues. 

I can also take her on more and longer walks, and we can also go running again like we did for a short while months ago. 

I can also be more observant and make greater efforts to understand her, rather than just becoming frustrated by her whining and other "strange" behaviors, because these behaviors do communicate something if I am willing to listen. 

I mean honestly at this rate I am not an appropriate person to care for a dog, but I see how I can do better, and so I will, because she deserves the best as life. 

So my action plan is as follows, I commit myself to:

1. Possibly purchase a different food dish that will be harder to nudge around or flip over due to structure and the rubber ring around the bottom. 
2. Return to a timed feeding schedule within an hour frame, taking into consideration my own eating times and when I am most consistently home at that time each day out of the week. 
• Including having her sit and wait until she is released -- I hear dogs like structure like this. 
• What to do if I feed her in the morning and come home and the dish is still full...? Should I remove the dish after x amount of time (before I leave for work) even if she has not touched the food...? This would probably only be an issue for a week or two if I do that, and then she might learn that it is time to eat when I give her food. 
3. Investigate different food options / a variety of food options.
• Within this, investigate nutrients and what she might need that she might not be getting.
• Continue to cook for myself and reserve scraps for her ***to give during timed feeding (rather than just as I am cooking / cleaning up / done eating)*** so that she has greater variety 
• Or, should I do none of this at all...? 
• One person suggested that I feed her pulp from my juicer, if/when I ever start actually using my juicer (haha). 
• Investigate how to make her food -- like the person who fed their dog raw homemade food. 
• Supplement her food with various basic "human" food options, or invest in wet dog food / canned raw food to add to her kibble
4. Bathe her frequently
• Try some different shampoos to see what works best
• Try my neighbor's suggestion to bathe her 3 days in a row to see if this will help any (boy she'll love that haha). 
5. Per the suggestion of a fellow dog-park-er, each day rub her down with a damp cloth to remove any pollen or other possible allergy irritants (also dirt, dandruff, excess fur, etc.). 
6. Brush her frequently
7. Wash/replace the blankets in her crate where she sleeps (probably lots of oil and dirt etc. in there that contributes to her fur / skin getting dirty faster)
8. Give her lots of love in the form of scratches, pets, cuddles, and words / sounds. 
9. Give her lots of love in the form of longer walks, runs, or playing fetch. 
10. No longer accept or allow myself to think of myself first when she is communicating to me about her needs. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when my dog whines at me or seems to want my attention for any reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed of that to the point where I not only have not wanted to write about it / share it here, but have even ignored it as true in myself by not changing myself and my relationship with her. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the needs of this animal that is under my care, who needs me and relies and depends on me, who I abuse and neglect by not giving her everything I can give to her, especially that which she cannot give to herself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about ignoring my dog and basically understand this as the reason that she does not seem as affectionate as some dogs, or as affectionate with me as she is toward some people who do not seem to mind the way her fur is. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to understand that and see that something needs to change in myself and the way that I care for her, but for having not really done this as best I can, so that nothing changes and instead we are like "just two roommates sharing a space," but this is not best for either of us. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to use the action of giving to my dog as an opportunity to also give to myself, giving myself a relationship and companionship with this animal and the opportunity to see myself through and as this animal and our relationship. I do see myself through our relationship, and I do not like what I see. So now I change. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care more about my own frustration as a reaction to my dog's behavior than I do about the fact that my dog's behavior clearly indicates that she herself is very frustrated, in ways that I can assist and support her to resolve. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fully assist and support my dog to have a wonderful quality life because I am too busy either being frustrated or guilty or ashamed. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes imagine "what if" my dog died or got very sick and then died or died suddenly, how sad and upset I would be, and realizing in this imagination that I would regret the way our relationship was, and yet not do anything to change our relationship within that realization. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until death to resolve my inner battles. I saw this also in my last post: "No one close to me has ever died. The few people who have died, I wasn't that close to, and certainly after they died I told myself we weren't really that close at all anyway. I mean in part this is relevant to my inability to connect with other people on an intimate level of really feeling connected in such a way that I can't just basically flip a switch and suppress any negative reactions I might have over their death (and yet look what happens if someone betrays me or hurts me in some way, how interesting)." where I saw that in life I remain in battle with myself about another, but in death I finally let go. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until death occurs to face myself and forgive myself for who I am and have been, and realize that I never really needed to forgive another, that they are gone and I am still here with myself and the consequences of myself, so now that they are gone I can let that go, rather than letting it go unconditionally and changing now. 

I haven't experienced that, actually. That is speculation on my part. But I haven't not imagined my dad's death, for example, or even catastrophic "what ifs" about others, and in that imagination realized (or at least believed) that it would be very easy at that point to forgive and to let go of the energy. So why not now? It's an interesting point to look at, but quite separate from this post. 

Okay, that will do.... 

I've been feeling "out of it" in a way for the last few days, so even though there is much else going on, I determined that this was something I could write out in a productive way, whereas other points I am more just trying to live out right now. 

Accepting Criticism, and Boundaries - Day 147

Yesterday was rather stressful. Although I've been facing intense emotions in my personal life, I have been very capable at work. However I call into question whether I am really at my "baseline" in terms of reactivity / sensitivity because of the emotions I am facing in my personal life.

Nonetheless there were stressful stimuli yesterday at work as well, most of which I cannot / will not go into. One however was receiving a single point of very minimal and actually quite silly criticism, amid an ample outflow of positive praise.

Amid a lot of very positive interactions as well as direct compliments / praise, my supervisor said, with the disclaimer, "And I'm giving you some coaching now," that "When we sit at a table, we sit with our feet under the table." (I was at the team meeting again yesterday morning, and halfway through the meeting I decided it would be more comfortable to pull my feet up onto the chair with my knees near my chin. So I did that. Of course no one said anything at the time; it wasn't until later after conversations on other topics that my supervisor brought it up.) (Actually, this is the same way I am sitting now... it's just comfortable!)

I mean this is so silly and rudimentary. But it opened up a lot of anxiety for me, and also has me beginning to look closely at who I am as a "professional," which goes hand-in-hand with what some of the other stressors have me looking at, which is again "boundaries," this time specifically in the work-place, although that is more relevant to the other work-related issue that I cannot / should not discuss.

So when he gave me the disclaimer that he was going to give me some coaching, I was bracing myself. And I've seen myself do this a number of times, now, where I see that someone is possibly / probably about to tell me something that might constitute some kind of criticism or suggestion for change, and I kind of brace myself for the worst, like, breathe, and give myself some self-coaching of "okay, whatever this is, I can handle it, I am here, I can handle it."

And then usually it is not really a "big deal," although perhaps some of my preparation in bracing myself helps me to actually deal with it better than I would normally. Usually it is not really criticism at all, though, so then when this single silly point of criticism arrived, specifically from my actual supervisor, and a person whom I am coming to respect and admire more as I get to know him more (I unfortunately do not have many opportunities to interact with him), it hit me a little harder.

At first I laughed. And just said yes, yes, yes, I understand, yes. I laughed I guess because I realized it was silly. I realized that I had braced myself for some really difficult message and then here it was, this silly little thing, that, amid all the interactions we've now had, and all the other things that happened in that day, this was the thing he was going to point out to me -- of all the points where I could have made a mistake, this was it, and it was not in the realm of the kind of criticism I was anticipating.

But then I hung up the phone and I felt bad and I felt self-judgmental. Like why'd I have to do that? Like I'm so stupid for not considering what is professional or respectful in a professional setting. Blah blah blah. Not a lot of thoughts and back chat, but that was the energy, and I kind of teared up a little, which then I realized was probably because I was sort of overwhelmed in general with everything that had happened thus far that day at work, along with the things in my personal life.

So I tried to breathe and realized I was still in the middle of my work day and this was definitely not the place to get stuck on this little thing. I mean I realized too how trivial it was, how the emotional reaction was probably a combination of different things, and how getting stuck on this point would be really silly.

But nonetheless then I saw myself basically grab onto that point and hold it, and feel this need for validation. Not extreme, not as much as I might have months ago. I had moments when I wanted to share the criticism with others, but the time never came, and so I held it in. Why did I want to share? Validation. I think it is for the best that I did not share, because that is probably a part of professional boundaries. My coworkers are not there to validate me personally, we are there to support each other and the students professionally. And just because I am the youngest and have the least experience of the people I am working with doesn't necessitate that I take an inferior position and believe that they have the answers for me. I have the answers for me. I can validate myself. I can move confidently as myself.

So it was interesting to have a glimpse though of how that build-up of energy went and then culminated in holding onto that point. I tried to breathe and rationalize with myself basically that of all the things that were happening that day, that was the silly piece of criticism I had received, while meanwhile some other peoples' jobs might be on the line. I mean really, that actually speaks quite highly of me, as does all the positive praise I heard.

And I appreciate him pointing it out. I mean I am pretty casual in my interactions with other people, and in the professional world that is not always appropriate. Most of my full time jobs have been ones that have been mostly very casual in interactions, due to the people I have happened to work with. Now where I am I am seeing that the culture among some of the employees is too casual, so this is a really good time for me to look at those boundaries and be able to set for myself what is or is not appropriate, regardless of how the other people around me behave.

So now I can be more aware of what is or is not "professional" behavior from myself, watchful of how others behave and take any cues I see as useful, and try to figure out for myself who I am in the professional world.

I did end up calling my mom right after work to tell her about everything that had happened that day, including then this point of criticism, and she laughed just like I did, and pointed out to me how silly and little and minor that is.

I noticed too though that I wanted to turn it around and be mad at my supervisor, like "Why bother bringing it up if it's so little and minor and not a big deal??" But it's not like my supervisor was mad at me, and I see that he said he was coaching me, which is pretty valuable, and also I see that it is very constructive, and now has also supported me in looking more closely at professionalism and professional behavior, which also ties in with professional boundaries (more relevant to the other point, as I said), which ties in to general boundaries, which I have been wanting to explore.

So it is really cool that what is happening at work is coinciding with some of the things in my personal life, in terms of setting boundaries for myself and then living by those boundaries.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into reaction about receiving criticism that is minor and then judging myself like why can't I be perfect and not ever receive criticism?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto this one minor silly negative criticism, within which I let go of the positive praise that was also given me, so that here I am again always in need of validation even though I have just received it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project anger and blame outward with wishing that my supervisor had just not said anything, why couldn't he just leave it alone?

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand that it is very valuable to have a supervisor like mine and be working with people who are willing to assist me in my professional development, in learning skills that I have yet to learn or master.

I commit myself to breathing through every moment so that as I hear validation it becomes me and I accept it as myself and give it to myself as who I am reflected by others.

I commit myself to breathing through every moment also so that as I hear criticism I am able to see it and reconstruct myself from it and learn from it and open up the point of what is said to see myself in more detail.

I commit myself to breathing through reactions that come up where I want to project anger or blame onto another person for saying something critical of me or negative to me, rather than simply seeing / hearing the words for what they are, which is a suggestion for my behavior.

I commit myself to taking advantage of the opportunity before me to take responsibility for myself as a "professional" person to learn "the ropes" so to speak and teach myself skills that will support me throughout my career-life.


The point I can't go into detail about:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and nervous about something that is happening at work, feeling like it is "my fault" because I said something, even though what I spoke about needed to be said and should have been said by another, but because I said it I might face retaliation or others not liking or trusting me, others alienating me, because I broke an unspoken "code" of tattling; I am a "snitch."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my anxiety by thinking "I should have not said anything, I should just shut up, it would be better if I didn't exist, if I just went along with everything and didn't cause any trouble by speaking up or acting, but only ever said or did what others want me to say or do."

I realize this is a central point for me in terms of living for as and by myself, instead of being a people pleaser or doing what people around me are doing or using others as a guide for how to direct myself. I realize that I can direct myself in self honesty and self responsibility and self support. I commit myself to giving myself the gift of life as myself, here, alive, living, and interacting with reality as a member of life, not just going with the flow of what others do or say or how others abuse, not being the walking dead, but taking a stand in stability as a life, one with and equal to all life.

I commit myself to continuing to support myself with my breath and I realize I have received vital support from some of my coworkers, so I take that support and actually use it, rather than dismissing it and seeking more, like a validation vacuum. I commit myself to the realization that boundaries and self support are integrated into and as each other, so to support myself professionally is to recognize the boundaries of work place professionalism and to not collude with others who are interested in being unprofessional and not doing their job appropriately. I realize that once I have reported it to the appropriate individual, it is "out of my hands," and so I cannot control the outcome, I can only control myself and how I respond to the stimuli in my environment, by the boundaries I set in self honest self support.


This goes too for friendship. I can only set my boundaries and live by them as myself. I cannot force another person behave a certain way. I can only establish for myself what I will or will not accept or allow, and be steadfast in that. I can only take responsibility for myself, which means also not dancing the dance of argument but instead stopping, breathing, and taking care of myself, and communicating only when I am clear enough to communicate myself honestly. Last night I stayed up far too late engaging in argument and I was already very drained, I only drained myself even more. It was irresponsible and not self-honest, nor self-supportive.

Self support and boundaries go hand in hand again with friendships. I support myself by establishing boundaries for myself and living by them, and adjusting them when necessary.



Stability is another central point I need to look at. Today I was talking to a friend and he described it as only ever moving because I have made the decision to move. Sounds simple, right? A simple iteration like this is an easy one to carry with me to support myself. Move only when I decide it is best to make that movement.

Other points in his suggestions helped me see that stability is in being here, in "showing up for myself," which I have already been practicing, in embodying myself, in breathing as myself, in being here in the physical only and not abandoning myself as my mind.

However I still have a lot to learn about stability in order to define the thin fuzzy line between stability and suppression, to not reject the energy and thus myself as the creator of the energy, but to still not allow the energy to direct me.


So I commit myself to continuing to look at and understand the points of boundaries, professionalism, and stability.

Adapting to Culture, Fear, and Self-Doubt - Day 117

Day 2 at my new job. Mostly what I have seen in myself is that there are a lot of uncertainties in my job description and what changes are going to be implemented in the culture of the school. But the old culture still remains, in some ways residual, in some ways full-force. And so I have created a paranoia and pressure within myself that I am supposed to meet some expectations of other older staff, believing that they are expecting me to do things the way they have been doing things. So basically rather than being an absolute point of support for the students, I have slipped into the militaristic culture I have observed, where twice today I said things to my students that were not self honest but was basically just me reacting to my paranoia and copying what I had observed in some of the old staff.

I also see that I am afraid and resistant of getting to know the students for various reasons. The cool thing is that it's only day 2 and I've actually gotten to know some of the students pretty well for it only being 2 days and considering that I've had these fears I've allowed to limit me. But today I am writing to clear some of those fears and then will see how tomorrow goes, and continue to clear fears and resistances more if I see that I have to.

This job will work if I make it work! Arriving early tomorrow before work to meet with the other new therapeutic intervention treatment team staff.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in line with the militaristic culture of my environment simply because it seems like all there is for me to observe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unsure and uncertain within and as myself as my job performance such that I look to others to set an example for who I am to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid within my mind that other staff are watching me and expecting me to do certain things, the way they do these things -- things they have never indicated verbally that I should do -- and so to react to that paranoia / pressure by behaving in the ways that I have observed from those staff.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself not from a place of self honesty and self responsibility as the decisions I make as what I know is what is best for all, or what I know is supportive of the students, instead sometimes moving myself by this paranoia and sense of pressure where I do or say something and then immediately feel quite "gross" because it just didn't feel right and I know it was not self honest and I know it was not supportive and I know that it is absolutely not what I want to do, even if it is what I am supposed to do for money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interact with the students in a negative way at all, because I have not interacted with them very much so far, and so any negative interaction sets a precedent for them to expect this from me and not trust me to actually practically support them but to only beat them down and humiliate them as has been the culture thus far that they are used to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interact with these students in any way that is not positive and supportive and respectful of them as individual human beings, one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip into the culture of my environment.

I realize that I and other new staff have been brought in to change this culture. I realize that my specific job description is not very clear to anyone. I realize that my primary goal right now is to get to know these students and let them get to know me, and to recognize and praise their strengths, and give them practical solutions for areas of concern, and encourage them to take responsibility for themselves. I realize I am also here to observe the current staff and notice strengths and areas of concern so as to support the guidance of the changes within the staff, which will change the culture, which will change the students.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist getting to know the students because I fear their anger or behaviors, within this fearing that something might happen that I won't know how to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see other new staff relating to the students and then turning inward and doubting myself in self judgment and back chat about who I am and if I can even do this job, rather than looking at what they are doing and maybe talking to them about how they are starting to get to know the students and how they are breaking down the defenses that many of the students already have up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I do or will not know how to handle a certain crisis within a student's experience, within this reflecting on my own teenage years wherein I basically did everything I was supposed to and never got in trouble, and so I believe that I cannot relate to these students.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I can relate to anyone and everyone on some level, on the basis of being human, on the basis of understanding through my own experience what it means to be human in this world.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I can relate to anyone and everyone through getting to know them and building a practical equal and one relationship with them, and that this takes time and consistency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself wherein I fear what the students might think or say about me behind my back, or to my face, where within this I want them to see me as "cool," and so already see myself as inferior, as is my default perception of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I judge and doubt myself in social contexts, usually withdraw and go further into my mind.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care what these kids think of me -- which could change depending on very many variables -- rather than caring what I think about myself in self honesty and who I am within this job and these relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to by default place myself as inferior where when I was younger I always thought that this was because I knew so many people who were older than me and so I thought since they were older they were of course smarter and better and more mature and therefore superior, but as I have now grown older I have seen myself do this still with people my own age or even younger than me, sometimes much younger such as with these students. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself by memories of who I thought I was in school in the social hierarchies so that now when I see jr high or high school age kids who, when I was in school I would have identified as "cool," now still I feel intimidated by them or still see them as "cool" and "better" and "superior" as my initial reaction to them from which I move myself.

I realize that already on day 2 I am getting to know these students better and starting to see them for who they are -- a person -- rather than as my initial impression of them -- an image attached to value judgments. So already through this job I am breaking down this dynamic of myself as inferior by default.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self conscious again because I want these students to see me as "cool" and so if I feel like my skin is "bad" because of blemishes or if I feel bloated or if I think I have sweat showing through my shirt in my underarms, I become self conscious and focused on these aspects of myself, fearing and believing that the students are judging me, where here really I am only judging myself, because actually when I was their age I probably would have thought someone like me was really cool no matter what just by virtue of being a little bit older than me, and either way it doesn't matter because I am here to support the students unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in my own self judgments about my appearance within this believing that these aspects of myself somehow limit my ability to do my job well, where within this preoccupation with these self judgments I am distracting myself from doing my job, so it is the self judgments themselves which are limiting me, not the topics of the judgment, which simply are within the physical and do not hinder my job whatsoever.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip into self doubt and self judgment wherein I am not supporting myself and therefore not supporting the students because I am distracted within and as my own mind systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't or won't or don't understand these students in terms of their backgrounds and who they are and why, or their interests, their interests in fighting and violence and drug use, their seeming lack of interest in education.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see something I do not understand and to react negatively to that, rather than simply taking steps to learn and understand, because here it is, it exists, so there is probably something to understand about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make assumptions about the students and their backgrounds, within this making assumptions about who they are, or making assumptions about what their family is like, etc., rather than simply being here in each moment with them and with myself, getting to know them and experiencing their day with them, supporting them through the school day to be the best that they can be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the students based on what limited information I have on them, which for most of them simply consists of the fact that they are enrolled at this particular school for students who have been expelled from regular school programs, not realizing that students get expelled for really fucking stupid shit sometimes, and it doesn't mean they are "bad" and it doesn't mean it is "who they are," it is simply something they did. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to first judge the students and make assumptions about them and to then move myself from a fear based reaction to these judgments and assumptions rather than letting go of the reactions and judgments and all that other shit that's standing between us and simply get to know this other person as one and equal to and as myself, as life, as what is best for all.


So when and as I see myself fearing or resisting getting to know the students, I stop and I breathe. I realize that is all that is really required of me in my job, and that the primary way I can support the students is by showing them respect and being a positive example of self honesty and self responsibility, so that I am a person they in turn respect, and so that I can share with them perspectives that might assist and support them in achieving success in their education as well as their lives in general. I commit myself to taking a deep breath, checking in with myself, and then engaging with the students in whatever way I can. I realize relationships take time to develop. I also realize I am "the adult" in this situation, and so from the students' perspective I am probably the one who has to take these first steps. I realize already on my second day that when I am able to engage with the students and show them that I am trustworthy, they will come to me for support, and from there we are able to effect change. So I commit myself to realizing my position within my job, within this school, as an adult, and as an individual who is standing for oneness and equality as what is best for all, and within this I commit myself to walking through my fears and resistances and getting to know each of these students to the absolute best of my abilities.

When and as I see myself feeling paranoid and pressure to behave a certain way because of judgments I have projected onto other staff in terms of fitting in with the old culture of the school, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am here to change the culture. I realize it is early in this process. I realize that I cannot support these students if I am shouting at them about things that don't matter for no reason, and not explaining my reasoning, and not treating them with respect. I commit myself to catch myself before I slip into the persona of this old culture. I commit myself to resist this, and push forward to that which I have resisted in terms of really getting to know the students. I realize this is what I really want anyway, regardless of my job description: to practically support the students in respect as one and equal as life as what is best for all. So I commit myself to watching myself in this paranoia and sense of pressure and I commit myself to maintaining positive and supportive interactions with the students. I commit myself also to continuing to meet with the other therapeutic staff to discuss the changes that need to be made, and being that change, and making that change, because it is what we are here to do, even if the ball has kind of been dropped by the people who hired us in the first place. It can and will still be done, we do not have to fail unless we let ourselves, in which case we will be failing the students, and we could never expect them not to fail themselves.

Correction - Day 109

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into a low energy state of feeling sad and helpless and heavy and lethargic and ashamed because I have kind of been "scolded" where really I have simply been given an expectation and a pointed statement that something I have said is not acceptable and will not be tolerated, as it should not be, but I have reacted to this in feeling ashamed of myself which opens up the doors for further thoughts/emotions/self judgments about who I am and what I am worth, and how I'll "never get it right."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly think, "oh well, no one has to know about this mis-step, I can keep it to myself" and within this also I will not really actually face it, but simply sweep it under the rug.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take absolute unconditional full responsibility for myself in EVERY moment, every action, every word, every thought, every part of myself as who I am, but instead lie to myself and say that if it was good I will take credit, and if it was bad, well, I didn't really mean it anyway. Thank you Dan for putting this to words, and for showing me how to see myself. "It's like as I participate in this ego/self-definition polarity point, I aim for the positive, and mentally neutralize the negative to not have to take responsibility for my words unless I get positive feedback."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a "right" way to "get it," so that when I perceive that I am "on track" I feel positive energy and feel somewhat invincible and joyous and also imagine what others must be admiring about me and how others must think I am just so great, or maybe even they are jealous, and to have all of this going on in my mind where I feel good about myself and project that others feel good about me, not realizing this is a positive energetic experience -- not stability, not being "on track" but still careening down the track uncontrolled, directed by feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then feel like "I got it wrong" or "I'll never get it right" when I am corrected or when I see that I did or said something unacceptable, so that now I feel like I should just stop moving altogether.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be all or nothing, either moving full speed ahead in CONfidence in myself or stopping completely in self pity and shame, rather than moving steadily, slowly, in stability, always seeing myself and in awareness of myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself also for accepting and allowing myself to be all or nothing inasmuch as I believe that once a mistake is made, it's over, I can't keep going, I can't be forgiven by myself or another, I should just give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself also to fear seeing myself completely at all times no matter what is in front of me because I fear unknowns and I fear new events, such as starting my new job, so I fear looking at myself because I believe I need to be more aware of what is around me that is new than of myself, where who I am right now is who I am, so actually if there is a point in front of me, as there is now, and I set it aside and refuse to look at it, it will still be me as who I am, and thus will influence who I am and how I behave, and thus may actually serve as a point of self sabotage in terms of adjusting to my new job while trying to ignore this seemingly unrelated point, because it is just suppression at that point, and I have already seen for myself what suppression does to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see things about another and not see these things about myself, but we are equal and one, and I am what I see, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for who I am, not even seeing that I am this way, and also limiting myself within the blame that I place on another, so that what I see in myself as being "problematic" and the fault of another is not even that which I need to see in myself, but is just another layer to peel back before I can really see myself. Thank you Kristina for sharing this post: It's Only Me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with myself, so angry, that I project the anger outward, and react to all that I see in others that is actually in myself, but closing my eyes to myself in favor of seeing and blaming another, but I cannot take responsibility for another, I can only take responsibility for myself, but instead of taking responsibility for myself I am adding still more layers of anger and blame and reaction and also destroying relationships with others and my relationship with myself along the way.

However I see, realize, and understand that although this may seem 'counter productive' and indeed is a less than direct way to equalize myself within and as all life, it is nonetheless my way, as the process I must walk in order to see myself, that this is how I am now seeing myself, and so it is my process to walk, it is what is facilitating my movement through my process -- it is me.

So I do not regret and I do not judge, I simply stop, breathe, and finally see myself.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that I can "get away" with saying "but I didn't know" where "I didn't know" within my mind implies that "no one told me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on others to tell me or teach me things in order for me to know and learn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on others to correct me when I express myself or express what it is that I have learned, expecting others to direct me and "show me the way" and ensure that I do not go "off track" as they read or hear or encounter me as who I am as what I have learned.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to direct myself in absolute self honest consideration of what is best for all, what is really self honest, and what is self responsible.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to actually take responsibility for myself by asking myself if what I am doing/saying is really self honest or best for all, obviously within my present understanding / ability to do so, but instead depend / rely on others to do this for me, to observe me and direct their attention toward me within this, giving me thus attention through their observance and then their correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to do this, even like in jr high I know I asked a friend to keep an eye on me and let me know if she ever saw me as doing something wrong, to which she laughed and said absolutely not, that is not my responsibility, you can do this for yourself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to do this and then to have in stock the excuse/justification that "I did not know" and "no one told me" so that when I make a mistake I blame others for my mistake as my "not knowing" when there really is nothing to know, just myself in self honesty, which is a process, and mistakes will be made, but blame is not acceptable in the picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to support me more than I support myself, expect others to see me more than I see myself, and expect others to provide me with guidance for correction more than I do this for or actually correct myself.


I forgive myself also therefore for accepting and allowing myself to "support" others, within my definition of "support," more than I actually practically support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "see" others, within my definition of seeing, which is only my perception and interpretation through my mind, which is not clear, because I have not actually seen myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to provide "guidance" for "correction" to others, within my very limited definition and understanding of what these things actually mean, more than I reflect within, on and as myself to provide myself with direction for correction and actually practically correct and change myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within all of this, develop resentment toward others / another because I feel I have given of myself to this other, and have not received back. But here I see, realize, and understand that I gave of myself within the expectation of receiving back, while at the same time refusing to give unto myself that which I would like to receive, instead giving unto another that which I cannot give, and not giving unto myself that which no one but myself can give.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to first believe that I have supported, seen, and guided another, and then that I have expected the same or something similar in return, and then that I have developed resentment against this other when I have not received -- or have failed to recognize that I have received -- the same or similar in return, and then that I have not realized either that it was not requested of me to give anything of myself, in fact it was always only ever requested that I give to myself, that I be a gift to myself, and I did not even take that gift of those words as that suggestion that was given unto me, I rejected it, and yet still continued to "give" of myself to another, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this to occur within and as myself and in this friendship.

I forgive myself too for accepting and allowing myself to, upon beginning to realize and understand what it means to be a gift to myself, not recognize the gift that was given me in those first words as the suggestion to be a gift to myself, but instead disregard the source as the catalyst for my investigation into myself, saying it was worthless, it was not needed, I did this all by myself -- which is not true. Were it not for that gift of those words, and the other gifts given me through conversation and friendship, I would not be here writing this blog today, I would not be seeing even glimpses of myself at all, let alone seeing myself in my totality as is my goal here, I would not be here walking this process at all, I would have no idea, and I do not perceive within reflections of myself that I would have ever pushed through the resistances were Desteni ever introduced to me in any other way.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take credit because I have wanted credit, rather than giving credit as it is what I would like to receive, where within this we are all credited with the gifts that we give to each other each day in sharing our writing and our support, and we are also all credited with the reality of what this world is as who we each are, so we must here take responsibility for and as ourselves, and so that is what I am here to do, unconditionally and absolutely, which includes now facing this point in front of me.



There is much work to be done. It may or may not be done in this blog as the platform for writing, but it will be written, it will be done, each day. I'll not resist, and I'll not accept or allow myself to continue to create more layers to peel away.

Having Things "My Way" - Day 97

For this post there are two particular situations in front of me as I write, but the words here could be generalized to a pervasive personality I have developed and lived of wanting to "have my way" and wanting to influence/be in control of outcomes and consequences, even in terms of simply giving advice or my opinion.

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Admittedly I am the youngest child of 3, and the only girl. My mother has actually told me I am her favorite. Obviously there's a lot more within my family that has contributed to who I am, but I know I have gotten special treatment as compared to my brothers, and so I can see how this, along with other familial dynamics and events, has been a big factor in the creation of this personality.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the special treatment I was allotted by my mother growing up, where I was given special privileges, care, understanding, and trust as compared to my brothers.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see this as normal and the way it should be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to investigate how this dynamic has influenced who I am.

I commit myself to investigating specifically this dynamic and how it has influenced who I am, along with specific memories within this, and also in terms of my beliefs about myself about being "young" and "a girl" where I have believed myself to be inept or powerless, needing assistance outside myself, wanting my brothers or dad to protect me, wanting my mom to do things for me, etc.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want things "my way."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want things "my way" even when "my way" is not necessarily "what I want" because I do not know what I actually want, or even what I pretend to want because I am so ambivalent, because "what I want" is often not self-honest, and I often do not ask myself self-honestly "what I want," and I have yet to fully realize and understand that "what I want" and "my way" are not what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have my hands in the outcome of events or situations, where I want to have control of the outcome and some influence over the outcome, where I will argue or fight for a specific outcome because I want to control, or I want to be right, or I want the satisfaction of like "winning," without ever stopping to ask myself what I want in self honesty aside from my ego or my need for control, or what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be honest with myself before moving myself, such that I will move myself from a starting point of my own self interest, which I realize is also often heavily intertwined with my own self-sabotage, regardless of who specifically suffers the consequences of this sabotage it is sabotage against myself, because I am one with and equal to all that I direct myself to be and do and create.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for self sabotage and sabotage of others through my negligence of looking at what is really self honest and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to influence and control outcomes and consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave impulsively in order to manipulate situations for specific outcomes that are like "my way" where I believe/perceive I will somehow benefit personally from that outcome either by seeing someone else suffer or by like "winning" because I have gotten "my way" or another person has bent to my will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see someone else suffer, and to want to implement consequences for another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want what I want, when I want it, which may be now, or may be later, but the rest of the world better be ready for whatever and whenever I finally decide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to manipulate for specific outcomes that do not even necessarily affect me, or that would not affect me if I were to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to manipulate for specific outcomes that do affect me and others directly, but without understanding the full consequences of the outcome I have manipulated, and as such: sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself without first understanding myself in self honesty and taking responsibility for myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to simply be self honest within and as myself, taking responsibility for myself no matter the outcome of various situations or events or relationships or consequences. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control these things within a belief that it will keep me safe or that it is "the right thing" or that if I do not do this, then something else bad will happen / I will lose something. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself to support myself in self honesty and self responsibility no matter what happens around me, what other people choose to do, or what outcomes come to pass.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust and respect others to make choices and to face the consequences of their choices -- consequences which will happen whether I manipulate the situation or not.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the consequences which come to pass if I do not try to manipulate the situation will actually be more appropriate and natural and therefore greater learning opportunities than the consequences that will come to pass if I do manipulate the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of my own actions such that I continually evade them by creating more, different consequences, some of which might have a delay in fruition and so I am able to delay facing consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself and facing my own consequences such that I try to manipulate others to face consequences or manipulate situations in such a way where I perceive that others will have to cope with the outcomes, but I will not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish and self interested, only interested in attempting to preserve my own ego and personalities or my own substantial gains.


When and as I see myself trying to "get my way" by manipulating situations, outcomes, or consequences, I stop and I breathe. I come back to myself in self honest consideration of my own responsibility to myself and all as life. Is it necessary that I participate in this situation? Am I participating from a place of self honesty? What do I fear if I do not have my hand in this? What consequences of my own am I evading / how am I not taking responsibility for myself such that I believe I need to manipulate the situation in order to continue evading self responsibility? How am I judging the individuals involved in this situation, and what of those judgments can I apply to myself? Who I am in this? I commit myself to asking these questions. I commit myself to really stopping and breathing and breathing through the urge and urgency to have my hand in outcomes. I commit myself to writing myself out to see who I am in self honesty and how to take responsibility for myself in these situations. I commit myself to trusting myself to support myself and trusting others to take responsibility for themselves, to walk their own processes to life whether they are aware that they are doing so or not. I commit myself to live by example, not by manipulation. I realize that this is what is best for all, and that what is "best for me" as "my way" is best for none.