Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86
Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87
The following is an excerpt from Day 83, and is here as reference for the main portion of this post.
I also know that, related to the above point, I feel a bit stagnant, like I want to continue learning/consuming more before moving myself forward, like I feel that desire/need for guidance or some kind of direction to know that I am doing a good job and going the right way. I have remembered the support I received on the forums which was fantastic, but I have fallen out of practice in posting my blog there or reading anything at all on the forums. "I don't have time," but I waste so much time, and go to bed so early.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my ability to direct myself within self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to direct myself to investigating topics that interest me or seeking out assistance/support through reading other blogs or reading the forums or listening to interviews. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically just wait and hope either for myself to "believe in" myself again as my abilities here, or just wait/hope for this feeling to pass, or wait/hope for someone to come along and say something encouraging so that I have that positive charge again of feeling like I am "on track." I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify that I "want" to post my blog on the forum again because I got great support there, but to not actually do it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist involvement in the forum because it's like "one more thing" to add to my to do list where within this every task that is not sleeping or eating or watching tv is some kind of chore, and yet I waste so much time doing those things and other things, not supporting myself, not using time to support myself.
When and as I see myself feeling like I would benefit from some kind of outside direction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there are a great many resources at my fingertips that I can access whenever and wherever I want. I realize that I can guide myself through this process and that there are others who are walking with me who can also serve as guides through the reading of their words. I commit myself to take this self identified need for guidance into my own hands, to guide myself toward increased awareness of direction and increased realizations of awareness. I commit myself to using my time to support myself and to realizing that I waste a lot of time fruitlessly so taking some time to do self supportive activities is really not difficult from a practical standpoint.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder, "Am I doing a good job?" and then believe that I cannot answer this question for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ask others if I am doing a good job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself such that I want to ask others if I am doing a good job and that within this within their answer that "Yes, you are doing a good job," I believe that I will finally feel relief and finally be able to "know" that I am doing a good job, that I am "on track," like as if I won't once again seek out the reassurance, "Am I still doing a good job?" rather than simply learning to gauge for myself in every moment if I am doing a "good job."
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to determine for myself through seeing myself in self honesty if I am doing a good job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my navigation as my direction outside myself, where even when I believe I am the one directing myself, I am always waiting on or wanting others to tell me that I am "going the right way," so that if there is no other to reaffirm or to validate my direction, I begin to doubt myself and feel somewhat aimless in my direction, where I wonder again, "Am I doing a good job?"
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself as my ability give myself permission to believe that I am "on track" and "doing a good job."
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself whenever I believe positive things about myself because so often these positive underpinnings build me up in positive feeling states which inevitably crash into the misery of a depressed negative state in which I completely do not believe in myself and completely believe I am worthless, so that any time I feel or think a positive thing about myself, I then go into self-doubt into believing that this must be what is false and that the negative depressed state is what is real, where here I have not allowed myself to realize that both are false as energetic states which I create and participate in and that what is real is stability within and as my breath as the physical as equal to and one with all life as what is best for all, not these value judgments about who I am and if I am "good" or "bad," doing a "good job" or a "bad job," but instead simply: Am I being self honest? Only I can answer this.
When and as I see myself wanting to ask another for validation that I am doing a "good job," I stop and I breathe. I realize that if they tell me yes, this will feed me momentarily as validation but it will not support me in creating stability within myself and responsibility within myself within self honesty to see myself as what kind of job I am doing, if I am putting in my "best effort." I also realize that if they tell me no, I will likely react negatively to this and so therefore I see that I am not actually interested in knowing if I am doing a good job but am instead interested in hearing that I am doing a good job -- receiving validation and affirmation to create a positive feeling experience for myself. I also realize that no other can really know if I am doing a good job or if I am being self honest or if I am putting in my "best effort" -- only I can know any of these things within self honest self reflection. Only I can know if I am really giving it "my all," giving myself my everything to see myself and deconstruct myself and create myself within oneness and equality as what is best for all. I also realize that in seeking for an answer of validation from another, I am abdicating responsibility for myself as my own keeper, my own monitor, as a leader of myself. I also realize that in seeking for an answer of validation from another, I am denying myself the ability to trust myself, where here I do not believe that I am capable of validating myself or of supporting myself to see myself in self honesty and to reflect on the consequences of who I am as to whether that is what is best for all. I realize that if I am not able to see for, as, and by myself in self-honesty if I am doing a "good job," then this actually completely debases the whole concept of self-responsibility and self-honesty because within this I am still forcing myself to relate to another in order to see myself and in order to direct myself, all from the starting point of the self doubt which I have created in my mind. So I commit myself to being my own leader of myself, to trusting myself to see myself in self honesty and trusting myself to take responsibility for myself, and thus within this taking responsibility for myself in trusting myself, seeing myself when I am not being responsible, and therefore seeing the actual ways that I have not been trustworthy to myself, facing this, investigating this, and walking these points to rebuild trust within and as myself and show myself that I am trustworthy of myself and I am capable of leading myself.
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