Firstly I have been "struggling" with acne on a more pronounced level over the past 3 months, and although a month or two ago I decided to "stop" judging myself for it and simply accept it as "who I am" within my physical body, I have nonetheless continued to pick at it to the point of bleeding or even somewhat gaping wounds, always making it worse, and also to try various techniques that friends have shared or that I have found online, and also to look at the skin on my face up very close (like within 7 inches) in the mirror, examining and scrutinizing it, pretty much any time that I am in front of a mirror. And then I realized last week that I don't even really understand what acne is, why it forms, what causes it, what prevents it, what is best to be done "with" it if one wishes to heal it, and yet I have come at it like attacking my own skin in attempts to eradicate the appearance of it, not understanding that it is not only skin deep. Obviously here there is still self judgment in terms of wanting this feature which has surfaced on my skin to change and go away, and acne is not really a "bad" thing to have except that it can leave scars and therefore can be permanent, although even this is not inherently objectively "bad." But it can also be painful which is one of the primary reasons that I wish to change this aspect of my physical appearance, as well as my belief that it is ugly and unsightly, for which I will walk self forgiveness. It also seems that acne could be indicative of the lack of support I have been giving my body through my self-care.
So here I see that I need to investigate what acne actually is and investigate how I have been caring for my body in ways that have produced this acne, especially this spike in how much acne I have been experiencing, and investigate how I can actually physically support myself as my body to heal the acne blemishes and prevent scarring.
Secondly I have continued to see myself in my relationship to food and just last night in particular I ate something quite unhealthy simply because I "wanted" to (so the point of compulsive eating still must be walked in more detail), and then I noticed that I felt sick and had indigestion. And then I imagined all of this food I had just consumed not only beginning in my mouth and being chewed -- which was an interesting practical point to open up -- but then traveling through my digestive system, through my stomach, through my intestines, being processed and absorbed into my blood stream, where here this whole process is in place in order to literally feed my body, to provide it with nutrients and sustenance. And so here it is like my body as this machine is trying to get whatever it can from this food, this sustenance, to support itself, and here I have fed it shit, basically. And I often feed my body proverbial shit, and this time my body actually told me about it through the physical feelings of sickness and indigestion that I experienced.
So in this awareness of my body's physical reactions to what I feed it and the realization/understanding that when I feed myself I am feeding my body in order to keep it running properly and support it in its physicality, I see that it is important to investigate further the process of digestion and also to learn about nutrition and how to support my body to operate and perform optimally in good health to support myself as life.
This point is also multi dimensional in that it relates closely to the self abuse as my participation in an "eating disorder" many years ago, the consequences of which have lingered as my thoughts/beliefs about myself as my body. So within my relationship to my body within my desire to be "thin" I have taken short cuts and round about ways in order to achieve this superficial goal without actually practically supporting my body or myself as my body to be healthy and to get the nutrients I need to function properly and to sustain myself as life.
So I will open up on these points more specifically in the future as I continue to educate myself on these aspects of my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out "solutions" to "problems" in my body without first seeking out an understanding of my body as it actually physically exists as its processes and needs for subsistence and sustenance and thriving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to test out potential "solutions" to the "problems" of my body, where within this I have experimentally probed my body and have placed myself in opposition to my body where it is like my body is this unknown mysterious test subject and that I must use trial, error, and hope to find "solutions" to the "problems" that I perceive in my body. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as my body through approaching these "problems" with my body as a kind of guinea pig where I have not investigated the actual practicality of any of the methods I have inflicted on and exposed my body to but instead have simply tried them and have also hoped that they will work and then have judged my body and myself as my body when they do not work, becoming "fed up" with the way that my body is reacting to its environment or to the stimuli to which I expose it, becoming "fed up" that my body is not doing what I have wanted it to do within and as my mind but that I have not actually practically physically supported it to do.
I commit myself to continuing to educate myself on understanding the actual physicality of my body, what it needs, how it works, what its processes are, and what the physical consequences are when I do things to manipulate my body, or even when I think/believe certain things about my body or myself as my body. I commit myself to investigating how I can support my body in its physicality as life as the vessel which physically moves me through and as life. I commit myself to opening up on these points and investigating who I am within them, why I have identified various superficial/experiential results as ideal, and how I can unite myself within and as my body, accept my body as myself, and support my body as myself as one with and equal to all life, as what is best for all.
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