Reacting Before I Even Realize What I am Doing - Day 93

Alright, so I am back from Tahoe and it was a great trip -- I am very glad I was able to set aside the things I had been focusing on and instead focus on the plans in front of me with enjoyment. I am also grateful that I have friends who, although (rather very) skeptical of what I am doing with desteni, are willing to at least listen to what is happening in my life so that I did not have to keep it all bottled in, risking some kind of unintended reaction.

What I notice is often I will become reactive when I am preoccupied in my mind, worried about or mulling something over. I would do this a lot at my old job where I was doing relatively redundant mechanical tasks all day, listening to music, by myself. I would get lost in my thoughts a lot (I would also sometimes get very involved in the physical requirements of my job, which was cool!). And if someone would come back into my frame shop to ask me a question or even just to chat, sometimes I would be quite irritable because here they are basically interrupting whatever conversations I am basically having with myself in my mind, haha.

So I had written yesterday that I feared I would react outwardly because of all that was on my mind. I did not do this toward my friends, as I had feared, but nonetheless I had an instance at the concert where I behaved in a very unbecoming and unusual way in large part because at that point I had allowed myself to get distracted in my mind, and when something happened to pull/snap me out of it, I reacted.

(One thing I recall now here as a tangent is that my friend had said she would "snap" me "out of it" after I had told her that I had been emotional lately and had a lot on my mind, and I reacted negatively to this, like she was trying to control me or implying that it is not okay for me to be serious but that I should only want to have fun (a loaded assumption, also based in memories from childhood when I perceived that peers only liked me because I made them laugh) -- but now in reflection I recall that I have in fact already decided for myself that I want to "snap out of it" where "it" is my mind, and snap myself back into reality -- and really this could be all my friend might have meant, certainly all it mattered for me to interpret as her meaning -- I see that this could be a blog post unto itself! Perhaps I shall tackle it in the near future.)

So first of all I noticed that I was rather bewildered at the start of the evening because it was my first time in a casino (the concert was outdoors behind the casino which was very pleasant), and I was so surprised at how it reeked of cigarettes, and then I noticed myself becoming jealous and judgmental of what other people were wearing, where I reacted to this by feeling jealous internally at peoples' clothes or how attractive I judged them to be, and then mentioning to my friend about what silly things people decide to wear to "look cool" at shows -- where obviously they are succeeding at "looking cool" because I am allowing myself to get jealous. Another point unto itself! Read about it here. Day 93.1

Then I noticed too: I was dancing and having a great time, being cautious about the people around me so as to not invade anyone's space, but otherwise dancing however I wanted to. Then at one point another girl shows up in front of me and starts dancing in a way that I perceive as being similar perhaps to how I have looked dancing, and I see how she is looking and smiling at her friend, and so in my mind I decide that she is there making fun of me in front of me, laughing at me to her friend right in front of me -- super paranoid. So again, here is another point unto itself. Read about it here: Day 93.2

But the point that was most outstanding to me came near the end of the night. And in reflection this is really shameful and something that I almost do not want to share for that reason. But here it goes. For a few reasons I had allowed myself to become somewhat irritable. I was in my mind, feeling frustrated at the realization that we had gotten through the doors too late to see the Grouch & Eligh (one of the main reasons I bought this ticket), I had to use the restroom, I didn't know as many songs by Slightly Stoopid so used this as an excuse to diminish my enjoyment, I was caught up distracted again thinking about various other things in my mind / worrying about what I had committed to set aside for writing later, and also where we were standing was very crowded and was a high traffic area, so that I was frequently having to stand aside to let someone get by lest I be stepped on or pushed aside -- not very enjoyable or easy to dance/enjoy the music (or concentrate on the shit in my head - oh noes!).

So at one point I was looking to my left and felt someone to my right sort of almost shove me, snapping me out of my mind (the nerve!). And it all happened so fast, she was on her way out of the main standing area up to the stairs, but I reacted, basically shoving her back / touching her arm with similar pressure (this is very "unlike" me and like nothing I have ever acted out before, that I can recall anyway). I'm sure I had a very cross look on my face, and I felt quite a bit of injustice, like as if that was just SO RUDE and I can't believe that girl just fucking shoved me! And I even turned to my friend and said "that girl just fucking shoved me!" And then it was only just a few seconds later that another girl walked in front of me to get by, making eye contact and gently touching my elbow, and suddenly, with this display of consideration as bodily communication, I realized just how reactive I'd been, and also realized that part of my reaction was that I had been lost in my mind and had already given myself a handful of reasons to be in a bad mood, where mood = mind, so again: in my mind, not the physical.

(Now, really, no one shoved anyone. I interpreted what happened as a shove. It was an unexpected amount of pressure in touch. I responded "in kind," but my intent was to basically give this girl back what she had given me, and since I interpreted her action as a "shove" I will go ahead and call mine a "shove" as well. Honestly I don't even trust my memory of it, it all happened so fast I and I reacted even faster, so maybe it was a shove. I'm not sure.)

I realized then too that:

1. The girl who "shoved" me to get by may well have just tripped and used my arm to catch herself. These places get crowded and crazy and there is always lots of trash on the ground to trip over, especially in the dark. 
• Had I been aware or considered that she might have been tripping, I'd have had a much different reaction, probably one of being glad to help her stabilize herself and interest in her being okay. 
• But I was not paying attention not only in that I was looking the other direction, but I was distracted in my mind, not present in the physical. So I actually don't even know what really happened; I just reacted.
2. I realized how dangerous, irresponsible (reaction, not response), and potentially physically consequential my behavior was. Shove her back, basically? What, am I looking for a fight? What the fuck? 
• I've never been personally involved in a physical altercation so this is very "unlike" me (evidently not). 
• So I am fortunate that it did not escalate from there, that this girl was either in too much of a hurry to care, didn't notice, or is more responsible than I, and that it did not proceed into a chain of reactive behaviors, ie some kind of conflict. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get caught up and stuck in my mind such that when an environmental factor came that demanded my attention, I reacted with anger at this "interruption" -- anger that was charged with the anger I was already creating in my mind. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react automatically in retaliation basically, without realizing what I was doing until it was over, without allowing myself to see what was actually happening or to consider why. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to just automatically assume/interpret that this girl had shoved me, intentionally, and to become offended by this like this girl therefore deserved my retaliation. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to stop and breathe and see myself and see my environment and consider what is the best course of action. I forgiven myself that I did not accept or allow myself to even consider the possibility / probability that this was not an intentional physical affront, that perhaps this girl had tripped, or it was an accident, or maybe she was drunk, or whatever, it doesn't matter -- there is no possible excuse for my reaction: it is my reaction. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in such a nasty way, wanting to actually cause physical harm to another person, wanting another person to feel the way I perceived that they had "made" me feel, where they quite literally might have done absolutely NOTHING to actually trigger this reaction but the reaction was rooted purely in what I was already participating within and as in my mind, so that here not only was I making myself miserable but I was choosing to physically harm another person as well, another person who may have had absolutely no intention or even awareness whatsoever of touching me in that way. 

I see here that through my participation in my mind creating dissatisfaction with the physical reality of my environment, I had placed myself in opposition to reality, and so I see how within this I set myself up therefore to continue to interpret external environmental factors as being "against me" because here I had placed myself against reality rather than within reality within and as my breath. So I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to once again place myself in opposition to reality, while believing that reality is against me, that all of these "bad" things are happening "to" me, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding how I am creating these experiences as "bad" through my interpretations, judgments, and backchats. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to set myself up therefore to perceive and interpret that another person -- another human being -- is "against me" and I against her, automatically interpreting conflict and retaliating with physical violence. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to intentionally touch another person with the intent of causing some kind of harm, no matter the magnitude. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the circumstances within myself that I allowed this to happen automatically without even a moment to breathe. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take this physical touch as like an attack against my ego where it was in my own sense of self importance and selfishness that I reacted in defense to protect these personalities within myself and to protect my existence within my mind, my persistence in negativity and dissatisfaction. 

When and as I see myself with multiple points floating around in my head that are taking me out of the physical and into my mind, especially into a position of opposition with reality within dissatisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that these are points I must address, so I commit myself to addressing them then and there, one by one, to the best of my abilities within the circumstances of my environment. I commit myself to taking a moment if I need a moment. I realize that if I do not address these points, they will accumulate, and there will be consequences, such as the ones I have seen here. I commit myself to at the very least directing myself within and as the realization that there are points I need to address and to suspend reaction within myself until I can address them, realizing that I am in a sensitive place and so to support myself within an awareness of this and an awareness of who I am within this state of multiple points pulling me into my mind. I commit myself most of all to really stop and breathe and let go of the points until they can be dealt with. 

When and as I see myself, if I am able to see myself, reacting to action or word that I perceive/interpret as offensive, I stop and I breathe. I realize there are multiple factors that go into my perception/interpretation and only one of them is what actually happened -- something I may not be factoring in. I commit myself seeing my reaction as soon as I can, ideally before I enact it, and to stop myself, and then to ask myself why I have reacted or begun to react this way, and to take the space to stop my reaction and face myself in this point of reaction. Above all, again, to stop and breathe, as sometimes it is not possible to fully face a point due to environmental circumstances.