Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87

This post is a continuation within a series:

Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86

Now I am moving on to the next point within the original post, which is in regards to resistance through a feeling of overwhelmingness when facing the writing process and thoroughly walking through points. 

Today I listened to The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Omnipresence of Self Judgment - Part 12 and it was very supportive on the topic of self judgment as well as resistance to writing -- highly recommended. 

I will copy and paste the section from the initial blog on which I am reflecting; feel free to skip it, or not, if you are reading along.

I feel a little bit overwhelmed at the great amount of points there are in front of me, that I've opened up but still need to explore more. I feel like I don't know where to start. Which is a familiar feeling, like for example last week I had to write a monthly report for work and I put it off because in my mind it was like some big thing and I was looking at the whole wall like how the heck am I going to get over that? Or like I just didn't want to put forth the effort to hurdle the whole thing, identifying the end point as my next step rather than the next step as my next step. Rather than simply taking the first step necessary and looking at what exactly needs to be done, then doing it. 

So within a feeling overwhelmingness it seems like a good plan/course of action to just start somewhere, and walk that first step with commitment and diligence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a sense of overwhelmingness to all of the points that I see in front of me that I have opened up but still need to explore further. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel "disorganized" within this and like the organization of my writing and of myself is "chaotic" and like I am going to lose track of something, some point, and thus lose track of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience points as "piling up" so that they are like a big pile that I must pick through and find what I have already written that is of substance. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to support myself by writing a point to completion to the best of my ability. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disconnected between days such that I have not wanted to continue on points in consecutive days and that if I have begun drafting about a point on one day, when I try to pick it up another day I have not been as interested in it or I have felt like it doesn't matter anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to actually really breathe through the process of writing myself out so that I can face this task with integrity and self honesty to actually look at myself and the points and write them out in a way that is self supportive and that actually assists me in creating change within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a writing automaton.  

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the number of points I see before me to walk, I stop and I breathe. 

I realize that my writing process is here for me to support myself within self honesty and self responsibility -- integrity. 

I realize that there is no point in writing if it is not self supportive, so I realize that placing pressure on myself to write every day is not self supportive. 

I also realize that even if I am going to write every day, I have only expected myself to write one blog each day, so here I can support myself to direct myself to select one point, and walk it, and do so with integrity. I have already seen how this is more efficient/effective and self supportive than allowing myself to write multiple points and not complete any of them. 

So I commit myself to walk this process day by day, breath by breath, and point by point within self honesty and self responsibility, thus integrity.

I will get into some new self forgiveness shortly, but of particular note in reflection on these above statements is that I have decided to support myself in the organization of my blog through taking some of the themes I have already seen emerging and gathering them into lists within a page on my blog so that I can see, for example, what I have already written on depression, resistance, migraines, friendships/relationships, tiredness, money and money management, etc. So I am working on compiling these lists into a page which will be linked at the top of my blog as reference for myself or anyone else interested in reading on these topics.

I also know that there are probably some points I do not particularly want to see. I'd like to think they're moot because they aren't right in front of me anymore; they've sort of "passed." But not really. They're still here. I'm just ignoring them, and they aren't yelling as loud. So this may well be one of the biggest contributing factors to my current state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run an energetic experience through its course and then when it is "over" to believe that it is really over and that there are no residual consequences which are influencing who I am as what I have just accepted and allowed without stopping or seeing or investigating myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to write out points as they come up even if only privately for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see myself privately so that I can at least see myself in that way but have only allowed myself to support myself publicly -- which is great, but paramount here is self-support, and if I can do this with greater stability and integrity in private, then this seems very necessary. 

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to write for myself in self support purely and absolutely, no matter the platform. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore certain points because I have not wanted to own them, I have not wanted to admit to myself or anyone else that they are mine, that they are points I have accepted and allowed myself to create and experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of these points, not realizing that these points are only who I am if that is what I accept and allow, and that within facing/writing the points, I am no longer accepting or allowing them as me. 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage through my shame of various points such that not only do I not release myself from the points through writing, first owning them and then rejecting them, but I also am thus directing myself in such a way that I will have to face the points again, and that the consequences will still be experienced within me.  

When and as I see myself avoiding facing or writing about certain points, I stop and I breathe. 

I realize that it is okay for me to write privately if this is helpful in actually writing -- many people do this and it makes perfect sense because the whole point of writing is to support myself, sharing is simply what is done for transparency and for sharing for the benefit of others. 

I realize that ignoring points and denying ownership is like tying myself to the points so that they are not only mine but are ME as who I am within accepting and allowing them to continue through my negligence and ignorance of them. 

I commit myself to supporting myself through energetic experiences and points to which I have an experience of shame through private excavation of myself, which will not only support myself within these points but also support myself within building self trust and feeling safe within and as myself to be a point of stability for myself, to provide myself with self support through writing, and to "show up" for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit down to write physically but within my mind I am thinking about what I want to do instead, or what I plan to do after I write, so that I am not really present or with myself, but am within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to direct my focus, attention, and energy toward seeing myself and supporting myself when I sit down to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to write, and to write from a starting point of that obligation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to "get through" the writing process so that it is done and I can say that I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort of "hold my breath" through the writing process such that I experience a kind of relieving "exhale" when I finally post, like I can finally breathe again.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to breathe through and as the writing process, with myself, in self support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this relationship with this writing process where it is like a chore and something to get through and a task during which I do not allow myself to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to assist and support myself through and as my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel chaotic in my writing, and like I am going to lose track of the strings of topics and points that I have written on, feeling overwhelmed at the massive amount of content I am producing, and plan to continue to produce, so that I feel stifled and like I have to "wade through" it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hoard blog posts, both finished and unfinished, and to sometimes hold onto one and not publish it because "what if I have a day where I really don't want to write, and then I can publish this one then instead?"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to walk points as they come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like "jot down" just a few sentences about a point that arises with the intention of expanding on it later, not realizing that the point is here now and so it is now that I can see it and now that I can support myself through it -- even in cases like when it is a general point that perhaps I am not presently experiencing but I am remembering that I have and often do experience, the moment that I am jotting it down is a moment where I see it, so I should really write it to the best of my ability for myself, not just "jot down for later."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that when I write blog post drafts, I am still writing, and although there is often some mind energy that is creating a resistance to completing and/or publishing those posts, I am still writing for self support within them -- in fact if I let go of the pressure/obligation to publish then I am left with only writing for myself, which is all I should be doing in the first place.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the writing of these drafts, believing that a writing session is only "good" or worthwhile if I have published it, thus not allowing myself to have self support within self honesty as my starting point for writing, but again almost always having the intention of publishing, the end result, as my starting point.

So I commit myself to releasing myself from the above self judgment and to instead see and utilize my blog draft writing as self-supportive writing of myself in self honesty, releasing myself from the pressure to publish within my ability to see myself clearly and self honestly, because it is within this pressure as this obligation that I have created the resistance in the first place -- how very counter productive.


Over the past 2 days since writing these reflections I have actually taken opportunities to write out points as I see them coming up, and to write really just for myself in self support, without the starting point of "writing a blog" to give a day count and to be able to check this task off my list. It has been really interesting so far and I am grateful to now see this use for the tool of writing where I can support myself in the moment of a reaction or in the moment of whatever it is that I am seeing in myself, and can support myself through that moment through writing. Today in particular I had a point of reaction and I was able to stabilize myself relatively well as well as discover, or perhaps rather admit to, many new things within that point that I had never allowed myself to fully see/admit in previous writing. The stimulus itself helped in seeing these things too, I'm sure.


Alright, so tomorrow I am thinking I will skip the weekly reflection and instead move on to the next point of this original post for this series, which is my commitment to read at least 3 JTL blogs per day to support myself as well as this community. But, we shall see, perhaps instead it shall be something else entirely!