Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86
Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87
The following is an excerpt from Day 83, and is here as reference for the main portion of this post.
I also know that I have not been doing a good job keeping up with my commitment to read at least 3 blogs per day. I've barely made a dent in the BIG blogs. So I'm not supporting myself there. I'd rather sleep. Or play Candy Crush... which is why I resisted playing for so long, in part.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to once again open up multiple pages of blogs that I "want" to read but to not actually read them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scroll through a blog and see that it is long and basically wish that I already had it read and already had the information, rather than actually reading it and learning from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted when I first start reading a blog, like thinking "I can do this later" where I believe that eventually it will get done but I never actually do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to read blogs and then sort of zone out while doing so so that I do not even know what I am reading.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes feel overwhelmed and intimidated when I read some blogs because they seem so clear and to the point and concise and I want to have written them or I want to have had those conclusions within myself, rather than realizing what an excellent resource this blog is and being grateful that it has been shared for me to read, and benefiting from it in this way.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to "show up" for myself, to be here for myself, within reading blogs, where I have all of these experiences listed above instead of simply focusing my attention on reading and understanding the blog and reflecting on myself within the blog to see what I can learn to support myself, where here it's like just by reading a title that seems pertinent and like it would benefit me, I believe I have supported myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read titles of blogs and think "oh that's an interesting topic, that seems beneficial" and then not bother to read it because I believe something like "it's already out there" and "someone already figured that out" so "now I don't have to" so that within this I become more apathetic about myself and my direction of myself within this process, where not only do I not read the blog to support myself but I also then believe that this is no longer a point I need to bother looking at within myself -- very very silly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to play a game on my phone or watch a tv show or sleep rather than read a blog or a book or do something which is self supportive like cleaning/organizing my environment.
When and as I see myself resisting reading a blog, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that I have opened this blog up in this page because I have identified it as being something I "want" to read within a belief that it will be beneficial and self supportive to do so, and also because I am interested in what others are learning and what points they are walking and what all there is to discover about ourselves and our minds.
I realize thus that it is only self supportive to actually follow through and actually read the blogs I identify within myself as wanting to read.
I realize that when I open up so many pages it is easy to then feel overwhelmed at how many I have identified as wanting to read, so I recommit myself to reading blogs as I open them, one by one.
I also commit myself to remembering that it really does not take that long to read a blog.
I commit myself to directing my attention and focus onto the words on the screen and being here with myself and with those words, comprehending and integrating them within a reflection of myself and all as life.
So as it turns out I've been pretty good about reading at least 3 blogs per day, sometimes more. Nonetheless I still have a ton of them open in my browser that I put off until later and generally choose to do other less productive things in lieu of reading the blogs. So I have to push myself one by one to go through them, and push myself to make choices in each moment that are aligned with what is best for me/all.
So this is a resistance to supporting myself through reading these blogs, a resistance to educating myself and accessing information that is out there for me to learn and integrate into myself.
As I mentioned in the next section of the original post, I have felt like I need a guide, like someone to help me through this process and basically feed me information in response to whatever it is that I am presently going through/facing. I have in many areas for the majority of my life always wanted someone to "hold my hand" basically, or even to do things for me, like instead of me. I have not wanted to be the self directive principle of myself, taking action to better myself or actually change myself. I have wanted to simply already be changed, without doing the work. I have wanted simply to be content, without having to figure out how and act on it. I have wanted simply to be smart and educated and already have the answers, without realizing that I must do the work to become this, to be this.
I have wanted basically to sleep through life and have others do the living for me. Time and again this is what it comes down to.
So this relates not only to what I had previously written about commitments to educate myself through reading other blogs, but also to what I wrote about the perceived desire/need for some kind of guidance, someone to show me the way, someone to tell me what next step to take. But with my lack of action in the former, I am exacerbating the latter, where it is in the former that I can be my own guide and show myself the way by seeing where others have gone or are going.
The problem sometimes arises that I feel intimidated when I read other blogs. As I said before, they seem so clear and concise.
Sometimes I read them and think "I have thought the same thing!" and then go into like a competition and jealousy where I wish that I had been the one to say it, basically so that people will like me and approve of me and think I am smart -- so assuming the reaction of others to what I say as being self-serving of my ego, rather than, if I were to "be the first one to say that," saying it simply for the sake of sharing perspective.
Sometimes I read blogs and they are clear and concise and not really something I had ever realized or thought about before, or at least certainly not with such clarity, and so then I go into inferiority and fear that I will ever be able to see myself that clearly, that I will ever be able to write myself that clearly, or that I will ever be able to contribute like that to this body of work. Still competitive. Still not self supportive but self serving of my ego. Still not embodying myself within the here and now, still judging myself for not being some certain idealized way already.
This is all interrelated too to the crossroads I am approaching where I am nearing the end of my coursework in DIP Lite and will thus have the opportunity to apply for sponsorship for DIP Pro. And there is a lot going on in my mind in reaction to this crossroads and the consideration of whether or not this is something I "want" to do.
On the one hand I hope that the DIP Pro "buddy" experience will be more involved, and from what I gather, it is. But I also realize that I have not been as involved in this process as I could be in terms of guiding myself in my own education or in seeking out support on the forum.
I also know that DIP Pro is a larger commitment than DIP Lite and that I fear that I will be able to keep up this commitment. I still have yet to even really fully commit myself to this process. It has remained something that "I just started doing one day" and have kept doing almost every day. Quite a few people in my personal life know at least a little bit about my involvement, but I keep my online identities separate as much as I can, not posting desteni material on facebook for fear of what others will think and how they might judge me or criticize me. This is something about which I have seen many write and that I have yet to write about and really consider for myself. I've hardly even admitted it as the justification I have had for my failure to integrate this as myself as who I am at all times in all ways.
Me? Afraid of what others think? No, never.
Ah, so then yes, always. Too afraid even to admit that I am afraid.
One of the fears in that is that I do not want to espouse to support something I do not understand and therefore cannot explain properly to another. So I continue thus to educate myself -- coming back again to the commitment to keep up with reading blogs, watching google hang outs, listening to interviews.
So when and as I see myself feeling stagnant within my process as my interaction with material and integration of learning, I stop and I breathe. I realize no one else can really teach me -- I tried this in school for 16 years and learned only a fraction of what I was "taught." I realize only I can teach myself, and only I can direct myself to learn and to seek out understanding. I commit myself to re-prioritize once again my own education and understanding of the material created by those who have come before me so that I can guide myself by these maps and forge my own path within my journey to life.
I commit myself to investigating who I am within this process and within desteni. Why have I participated thus far? Why should I continue?
One reason I can see is that time is running out. It could already be too late. This world is dying. Earth is dying and we are all walking atop it, dead, dying, and killing as we go. Zombies really. But it might not be too late. I have a choice to make: Do I want to be dead or a life?
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