I have been doing some writing about how I look at my environment when I feel depressed and how I project my emotional state onto my environment, where I identify different aspects of the environment and then judge them as 'bad' and then believe that they are why I feel depressed. Within this I also reflect on places I have lived before almost always in a 'positive light' so that I am comparing where I live now to where I have lived before within the belief that "if I still lived there, I would be happy or happier," not realizing of course that I was also depressed there, and that my environment does not determine who I am -- I do.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, even in explaining in the above box, think "but that apartment really WAS so much better, and brighter, and I had that big nice window."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the physical space of this apartment by keeping my blinds closed because in this apartment I am on the first floor and so I fear people looking into my apartment and also I am paranoid about my neighbors knowing I am home and wanting to hang out when I do not want to hang out, because I have not developed self honesty within myself in terms of telling others what I do or do not want to do without feeling like I have to have an excuse or feeling like I am being rude or impolite. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed other aspects of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be to influence and manifest limitations within my physical environment, when I would really like to have the blinds open and let some light in and be able to see outside, but I do not do this because of fear and paranoia, and instead blame the environment because I wish I was not on the first floor or I wish that I had windows in different locations, when really the location of these windows is actually not bad in terms of privacy.
So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a lose-lose situation in my physical environment where the only conceivable 'way out' is to go back in time to an old apartment or to move to a different apartment, rather than simply walking my way out of my mind and into the physical here, living in this apartment as it is, fully functional to meet my basic needs and a lot more -- far more than I "need."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distort my memory of myself and my experiences in such a way where I believe that my experiences in a different environment and my judgments of that environment were really so different from the experiences and judgments I have now, where actually if I remember detached from emotions or feelings, I remember that I was also depressed there and that I felt like my apartment was just a hopeless mess even then, a reflection of believing that I am a hopeless mess projected onto my environment.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to really live within this apartment and "make it my own" and make it a space where I feel comfortable and "at home," where again this is analogous to really living within myself, taking responsibility for myself, feeling comfortable and at home within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reflect on and remember past living environments, regardless of how "good" or "bad" they "really were" or how "good" or "bad" my experiences within them were, reflecting on them as if they were "good" and therefore setting myself up for failure in where I am now in comparison to the past, believing then that I can only have what I believe I had then, if I could go back in time, or move back into that apartment, or one like it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my environment determines who I am, and that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how much I impact and determine my environment, so that if I see something within my environment that I do not like, I can change it, like open up the blinds, add more lights, put art on the walls, clean up messes, unpack boxes, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make choices for myself in my daily life that are not self supportive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create associations with people and places and events within my mind in ways that create a "reality" for myself that is dark, negative, and suffocating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as my mind in these dark, negative, suffocating environmental "realities" rather than coming out of my mind into the physical where I can breathe, and see my environment for what it is, without applying to it judgments and limitations, within this judging and limiting myself as I live in this environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that my apartment is kind of dark and I have no overhead lighting, and to then tell myself that this is a "dark place" where "dark" no longer has physical meaning but has a kind of mind definition of being bad and negative and ominous. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the physical level of light within my home space in such a way where I believe that this is just "a depressing place" and to then move myself within this space as depressed, looking at objects or noticing lack of light or seeing things that need to be done for maintenance of the space, and wishing that it was lighter, happier, more open and free feeling.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I create these judgments of my physical environment and I project myself onto my physical environment such that what surrounds me within this space is simply what is HERE, objectively, physically, but I apply meaning and definition to these objects and structures in ways that limit the physical objects as well as limit myself as moving through and around and within these objects/structures.
Vague things that I am putting into words right now... But I know that I exist in a space, and I often exist in this space in certain mind energetic states, such as depression, and I can see how I will blame the space in which I live for this energetic experience within myself. I will think back too on previous home environments with thoughts that "those were so much better," completely forgetting that I have carried my experience of depression with me everywhere I have gone, and that even when I lived in that bright apartment or that beautiful house, I still allowed myself to suffer the consequences of that which we call "depression." I know too that I can exist in this same space with absolutely no physical changes and experience different energetic states within myself. I also see that in releasing just some of what I have identified here, I am more able to look around this space and see objects and structures simply as they are without projecting my energetic experience onto them -- and within this, if there is some object out of place or some mess to clean up, it is easier to simply take care of that, putting things into physical order, rather than reacting to that mess or whatever and going into some weird helpless state where it's like crying over spilled milk. There's a mess and I don't like it. Clean it up. There's art I haven't worked on or completed, like haunting me -- so complete it! So it is not the space.
When and as I see myself wishing my environment was different or missing an old environment in nostalgia as if life was better when I lived there, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am projecting what is inside of me, out onto my environment. I realize therefore that when I look around my environment and have certain reactions or beliefs or judgments come up, that all I am doing is seeing myself through a reflection. So I commit myself to look then directly at myself in this experience of judging my environment. I commit myself also to taking care of my environment and making it a space that I enjoy as an act of taking care of myself / taking responsibility for myself and who I am within my environment.
When and as I see myself within the belief/thought that "if only x were different, then I would be happy / life would be better," I stop and I breathe. I realize as I said above that no matter what changes outside of me, if I do not change myself from within, then all that I am will still be with me, and no amount of external change can change me - for real - internally. I commit myself thus to continue to face myself and see what I have accepted and allowed within myself, see what beliefs and judgments I carry around with me every day that distorts the way I live as life in reality, and to walk through these points in self forgiveness, committing myself therefore to self support as what is best for all.
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