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| To thine own Self be True |
It was pretty cool for a lot of reasons. In some ways it really reminded me of desteni and what we do with sharing our blogs. What stood out for me most was the importance of listening to the 'shares' (what people share within the group), without really trying to solve what the person shared. Each person is walking their own process, and each person is accepted and supported unconditionally with wherever they are in that process. They show up, and they are accepted, and they are supported. It doesn't matter if their share is all about projecting blame, or if it's about their confusion, or if it's about some small discovery they made, or if they seem to not quite get it yet, or if they've had a huge victory. They are accepted and supported, and thanked for sharing. Because by them sharing themselves, we're allowed to see another part of ourselves, and that is largely why people show up.
The group was big, so I didn't for long feel that pull to comment on any person's share. I mean, I was too nervous to say anything, with such a big group, so I was able to very quickly let go of the urge to comment, the urge, basically, to judge. Not that I would have said anything anyway, since it was such a big group, and with the ground rule of "no cross-talk," and it would be rude, so it was easy for me to agree with myself to just let that go, and listen. Let go of that judgment, because I'm not going to get to say it anyway, and just listen. So after only a few minutes I started to just let go and only listen.
So that is an interesting thing to look at, by itself: Holding onto a judgment with the intention of telling it, of it being heard, where without the option to tell it, it is easier to let go. Can I make an agreement with myself, that telling my judgments is not an option? Could I support myself in that way to let judgments go? So that I am not always holding onto the judgment, holding onto wanting to tell the other person my judgment, holding onto needing to be heard, instead acknowledging myself and letting it go? I mean if sharing it is not even an option, then what's the point of having judgment? Except / unless it somehow shows me myself, or allows me to make more agreements with myself as to what I will or will not accept or allow. I mean it doesn't matter if I'm "right" in my judgment if my "rightness" does not mean anything because I will not allow myself to tell it. So maybe here I could support myself to not get stuck on the ego point of judgment of others, by which I forget that every individual is walking their own process.
We each will someday answer to ourselves. (So there is no point in hiding now.)
And if I can let go of judgment of others, rather than constantly holding onto it with self-righteousness, maybe I can let go of the belief that others are judging me just as harshly. Maybe I can let go of scrutinizing myself in every single move I make or word I say.
And then I realized, it isn't mine to comment. It isn't mine to suggest, unsolicited. It certainly isn't mine to judge, certainly not out loud. This person is walking their process. They will realize what they will realize. They will take the steps they will take. As will I, and judgment of others is only a veil over my own eyes.
The only way I can "influence" another, the only effective and truly supportive way, anyway, is by what I share of myself. And, even then, it is only if they choose to listen. If they choose to have a side-conversation, or get up at that point to have a cookie, then that is their choice. If they choose to not hear me, that is their choice. I do not get to decide that for them. I do not get to force feed them my experiences, and demand that they learn something from me.
And so when, later, they share the same thing I once shared, I do not have to any longer feel resentment and anger that they didn't listen to me when I shared and that they did not learn it from me. Because they had to learn it for themselves, anyway. Even if they did hear what I shared, they still would have had to walk that point for themselves in their own process.
The moment I try to give advice is the moment I have to stop and see myself, because it is the moment I am taking my eyes off myself so that I can no longer see myself in self honesty, instead looking at and scrutinizing another, when I am not them, I do not know their experience, I do not know their process, no matter how much I may think I do, no matter how much of myself I have invested into them. I can't.
This is not to say that sharing suggestions or perspective is not valuable. But it is to say that I realize I am not in a position to do so responsibly. And it is to say also that I realize that there are some others who have tried to share perspective with me, and whether because of their presentation or simply because of myself, I have allowed myself to see it as a supposed "answer." But it's not. It's just a perspective. And the person sharing may not always be acting responsibly. But I am responsible for myself, regardless of the level of responsibility shown by another.
A lot of shares stood out to me. Next time I want to take notes. Because the cool thing is that at the start of the meeting, one person shares their "story," and then they select a topic for sharing for the night. So then a variety of perspectives and experiences are shared in relation to one overarching general point. So as I listen, a multitude of points comes up within myself.
One share that stood out was actually from the man seated next to me. He shared that he has learned he must be vigilant with himself, with facing what is in front of him. Because if he is not vigilant, it is like it dances around behind him. And then, he exists in fear. And this is the same for me. This is why I try to be vigilant. And this is why it is the points that I resist that take such control over me. And all of us. It is the points that I do not want to see, or that I believe I somehow cannot see, that end up directing me. So I see as much as I can. And I realize I need to be more vigilant with the points I resist, because otherwise, as I have already seen, they overtake me.
Beforehand I met my mom at her house and I told her how I was doing and the main thing that came of that for me was the reiteration that I do not have grace or compassion for myself, or others. The reiteration that I have incredibly high standards for myself, and for others, and also the reiteration that I continually invest myself in what others do or how. I learned in my little "welcome packet" that these are common themes in the experience of a "codependent" person.
So tomorrow or soon I want to have a look at that section of the packet, and see myself as those dimensions of experience, and begin the work of forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to live those patterns in my life, to the detriment of myself and all as life. I also want to look at answering to myself and "to thine own self be true," as well as the "serenity prayer."
And from here forward I commit myself to finding, creating, and cultivating grace and compassion for myself, and others, as well as writing on these two points that I have not given myself or others. I commit myself to self respect and respect for others. I commit myself to generalizing the environment of the meeting to the way I meet every moment and every person: unconditional acceptance and support as a person in process to becoming life, and absolute responsibility for myself to navigate my own process, and no one else's, as what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in back chat and judgment about other people and their experiences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to come up with solutions for other peoples' problems. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have the answers. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have the whole picture, or that it is as simple as the way I see it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to see things the way I see things. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the back chat and judgments I create about others like I want to tell them, and I think they should know this already, and then I become frustrated because they show no evidence of knowing or understanding this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to support others from a starting point of judgment and self-righteousness. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to just listen, and let people express themselves, so they can hear / see themselves. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be an example to others as who I am, instead trying to tell others what to do or how. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to tell another person what they should do when I do not even do what I should do. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that every person is walking their own individual process. We learn from each other, but I am not in a position to support another through judgment or from a starting point of self righteousness. I cannot speak until I have walked. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hung up on frustration in judgment of others, believing and wishing that others would do things differently or like me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put others and others' processes before myself and my own process, such that I do not have absolute integrity in unconditional self-support, nor do I have absolute integrity in unconditional support of another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support others on the condition that they do things the way I think they should do things.
When and as I see myself creating a judgment about another, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that judgment is not necessary and it serves no purpose. I release the judgment. I breathe, and I listen. I turn all points back to myself, to see who I am, to see who else I can be, and to create myself as exemplary of a life that lives what is best for all.
When and as I see myself not listening to others sharing their experiences from a starting point of nonjudgmental unconditional listening in oneness and equality, I stop, and I breathe. When and as I see myself trying to solve another's problems unsolicited, I stop, and I breathe. I commit myself firstly to continue to read what people share, because it is an invaluable way to see parts of myself that I may or may not already be aware of. I commit myself to refraining from judgment about the process others are walking - we are all walking together and as one, each individually in his or her own process, and this is what is necessary, that we each individually take responsibility for ourselves. I realize that when I try to take responsibility for another, I am not doing what is best for all. I realize that when I try to push my responsibility for myself onto another, giving another power over my experiences or blaming another for my experiences, I am not doing what is best for all. So I commit myself to my SELF, my process in my individuality as one of the all, equal as life.
