The Grudge - Day 105

"...my responsibility in how all of this played out, and especially in how I chose to respond / react, how I chose to make myself a victim, how I chose to cut myself off from my friends, how I chose to not understand them in the fact that they missed hanging out with my ex, how I chose to create sides, how I chose to try to get others to take sides, how I chose to not understand my friends in terms of their experience with me in my depression, how I chose to put myself as my self interest first, how I chose not to look at myself but only to look at what others were doing wrong, and how I continue with all of these patterns today." - Betrayal - Day 104

I have to decide: is it more important for me to hold a grudge, or do what is best for all? Is it more important for me to hold a grudge, or forgive myself and forgive another? Is it more important for me to hold a grudge, or align myself within the principle of equality and oneness? Is it more important for me to hold a grudge, or take absolute unconditional responsibility for myself in brutal self honesty? 

It is not magic. 

A grudge will not just disappear. No one else will make it go away. No one else put it here. 

I have to do the work of releasing and rejecting it, just as I did the work of creating it. 

Really, whatever excuses or justifications or reasons I think I have for maintaining a grudge -- they're meaningless. They fit only into the context of competition, inferiority & superiority. They are my ego, and so to allow the grudge is to allow my ego. To allow the grudge is to hinder myself. To allow the grudge is to poison myself. 

I have a handful of grudges, some more prominent than others. So this will be a work of my entire self, and of these individual relationships. I have cut so many out of my life when it got too hard to continue to see myself in their reflection. So this will be a work of seeing myself resolutely. A work thus of seeing myself now, here, in every moment, and of reflecting too on my past and my memories and all that I have carried with me from grudges I have been suffocating under for months or years. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that something like a "grudge" will just dissipate or get better or somehow resolved over time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any amount of sympathy or understanding from another person will help to resolve the "grudge." 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not the creator of my grudges, that whomever I am holding the grudge against is the person who brought these intense emotions and judgments upon me. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see how a grudge is created within my mind and how it manifests throughout my entire self, and how a grudge directs my living, thinking, and moving. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see myself when and as I am creating a grudge so that I can stop myself in that moment and reverse the process. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that grudges simply happen, they just are, and I have to maneuver myself throughout my life and the world between all these walls of grudges. Can't go that way -- there's a grudge over there!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blockade myself within my mind and even my physical existence through the construction of grudges, where I wish to avoid certain people or places because I have attached such intense emotional reactions to those people or places. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and live by the thought that it is okay to simply not see or speak to certain people ever again, to simply shut certain beings or places out of "my world," to manufacture a reality for myself that is exclusive of those against whom I hold a grudge, to thus divide up existence as I see fit for my own self interest. 

Ignorance is not bliss. This is undoubtedly one of my many sources for my creation of my continual experience of depression. To not face. To ignore. To pretend in resistance. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blockade the flow of relating to other people because I have created so many judgments and expectations within my mind where as far as I'm concerned, other people are not really allowed to be themselves, they have to match up with the image of them I have created. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to black list and red x people who do not live and express according to how I have wanted or expected or imagined them to live and express. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe one thing, one positive direction, about a person, only to then reverse to the polar opposite of complete negativity about that person when/if something happens that I was not expecting or I do not like. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see myself as the subject of "I did not expect that" or "I do not like that," where here obviously I am the mover in this sentence, I am the one who was not expecting something, I am the one who did not like something, NOT the other person -- thus I am the one who is creating the "problem" through my reaction. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel intimidated by this process of dismantling grudges and walls. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to run away and not deal with it, to retreat back into the belief that the passage of time heals all wounds, to basically ignore my responsibility here as my own creator, and to want to just say/pretend that "next time" will be different, without having to deal with / face this time or all those times past. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself the space of believing that "this will be a long process" where within this thought I see that I am giving myself room to dilly dally and not really try because it's going to take so long, it's going to be so hard, so it's okay if it takes me a really long time.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to embrace my own power as the creator of myself and as my own self directive principle, the only person who can remove these grudges which I put there in the first place. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more important, as my ego, than the work that must be done here, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bastardize my self importance by not realizing that what is important for me is important for all, within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this idea that I am important, what I want is important, what I think is important, what I feel / emote is important, not realizing that yes, "I" am important AS LIFE, as one with and equal to all life, but not these other things -- these other things are not me. 

So now I commit myself to watching and seeing myself as I move, to catch myself when and as I am developing a grudge.

I commit myself to watching and seeing myself as I think, to catch myself when and as I am participating in the sustenance or maintenance or growth of a grudge. 

I commit myself to actually writing out my grudges, to investigating where they are from, to releasing them, to SEEING them without judgment so as to really see myself in them, who am I here? What am I hiding from myself within these grudges? What do I not want to see, by not seeing this other person? Do I really think I am protecting myself within a grudge? What am I really protecting? 

I commit myself to the realization that the walls I see which I believe are containing me and blocking me in are me, they are my own creation, they are made of the same stuff as I am made of, and so I can move them, I can smash them down, and I can create within myself one nothingness which can exist in equality and oneness with all life. 

I commit myself to increasing my understanding of the difference between who I am, and who I am as my mind. I commit myself to breathing and being here with myself in my body. 

Most of all, most practically of all, I commit myself to actually writing it out, not to ignoring it. This is one of those commitments I have to push myself to follow through on. 

When and as I see myself resisting the work that is to be done on myself as my grudges, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this resistance is what will keep me in the grudge. I realize that any excuses or justifications I manage to rationalize this resistance are lies I am telling myself so as to avoid the work of seeing myself, which is also the function of the grudge. I realize I cannot change myself if I cannot see myself. I realize I am the only person who can do this work. So I commit myself to writing it out, little by little or a lot at a time, and I commit myself to doing it until it is done, no matter how long it takes. I am already in this process, and I cannot continue if I do not face this. 

Showing Up for Myself Part 5: Suppression, Depression, Mania, & Writing - Day 95

One week ago I wrote out a lot (23 pages...) of private self forgiveness which allowed me to open the floodgates of something I had been suppressing for at least 5 months. I continued to write for a few days, had many emotional energies emerging, and noticed myself feeling very motivated/productive, like maybe even almost manic (for example, in the last 72 hours only about 14 of them have been sleep, but this specifically could have multiple factors contributing) in terms of accomplishing tasks that had been piling up or, obviously, in writing. I also noticed a hugely increased incidence of memories surfacing, as well as seeing points left and right, realizing beliefs and thoughts I have carried and allowed to direct me. Floodgates, like I said.

At first I thought it was that the "emotional energy" of sadness and being upset and really emotionally energetically charged was somehow motivating me to actually identify "problems" and address them (so for example be more productive around my apartment or deal with financial stressors, face tasks head on without dragging my feet), whereas most often my "negative energy states" are more of like a "depression" or lead to a "depression" where it's not like anything is identifiably "wrong" but simply I feel apathetic and lethargic (suppressing/repressing what is actually "wrong"?) and then allow myself to BE those things which of course only exacerbates them. So I identified a difference between being "emotional" and being "depressed." But I still haven't really understood what it is to be "depressed," aside from living it out for most of my days. I wrote about it some in DIP Lite the other day, so maybe I will re-look at that and share here soon.

Well, as some of the relief wore off of finally releasing some of this suppressed stuff, and as life continued on as it does, and as reactions to other things came up, I also noticed more reactions on this same topic continuing to come up. Participation in specific thoughts or beliefs, for example. And basically, I suppressed a lot of them. Why? Well obviously I didn't want to face them, and I slapped some reason or another as an excuse for this. "I will write about it later," or, "I will wait until I have more information," or, "I am tired and have been working so hard," or just, "no, I don't want to look at that right now."

And what I notice is that my motivation is slowing down, I am going back to feeling kind of "clogged" and lacking "clarity" and feeling more bogged down in terms of the things I have to accomplish, tending more toward negative depressed energies of apathy, where now when I see "problems" I want to just hide from them/myself rather than actually face them within the realization that it feels really great to let these things go and direct myself through them, to take responsibility for myself.

So I see that it is important to continue to face myself in every thought and belief and other mind-thing that comes up. I realize how important my private self writing is for this, where not everything is necessarily "a great blog post topic" but everything definitely IS a point of equal importance to face and walk through self forgiveness. A continuation (but not culmination!) of things I have been identifying through my resistance to writing and experiences of depression/apathy here over the past 4 months.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to suppress my reactions as my thoughts, beliefs, backchats, fears, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically like close the floodgates and dam myself up again, to bottle it all up again, when one of the many things I have realized in my self writing in this last week is just how consequential bottling myself up is. So now I am simply continuing to learn/realize that, and having the opportunity to apply it -- cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my motivation/productivity/determination "wearing off" and to become defeated and deflated in this like it is beyond my control and now it is "back to normal" and "well at least that was nice while it lasted."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritable and self-centered/selfish as a consequence of what I am suppressing, like "I'm busy pushing things down, so leave me alone/I can't focus on you right now; what the fuck do you WANT from me??"

I realize that my motivation/productivity/determination is an energetic state just like my depression/apathy/resistance/evasion/complacency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this polarity where I have engaged within and as this positive energy state of feeling really clear and productive, sort of realizing there would probably be a polar consequence / it wouldn't last, but not really doing anything to support myself in that realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only "see clearly" and be effective in my writing and daily obligations/responsibilities when I feel this positive energy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress so much of myself in the first place -- although how great that it has facilitated this lived learning.

I see/realize here that suppression is seemingly thoroughly intertwined with experiences of depression, apathy, complacency, resistance, and evasion.

-- short break to write out some private SF I had been suppressing the last few days --

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to take seriously the task that is in front of me as this point to assist and support myself in following through on walking the points that have been suggested to me to clear these points and also to write out points that come up as thoughts and beliefs and emotions as they come up, but instead push them aside and continue to suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist this and within resistance I have suppressed the subsequent reactions which have come up, and within this suppression I have justified within the belief that maybe it will just pass, maybe I will just get over it, the passage of time will make it go away, I am already over it, look, I don't even care anymore.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to not caring / apathy when I see that I am resisting facing a point, where the reason I am resisting is because the point is important and I do care and I am invested in walking this point and finding a solution to support myself, but I am afraid of failing at this and I am afraid too of seeing myself and seeing my ugliness within the point, realizing what I have accepted and allowed within myself, so I avoid it and resist it and come up with excuses/justification to resist and avoid.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that "clarity" in my writing and in seeing myself comes with proverbially opening the floodgates, with actually allowing myself to see, to not suppress, to face what is here in front of me -- that when I do this, the water flows, the words flow, and I can see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared in a way of how much comes rushing out when I allow myself to release it, not realizing that if I had never suppressed it in the first place, it could/would be a slow and steady flow: stable.

I see an analogous connection here to like a yoga flow, flowing in and out of and through postures with one breath, one movement, flowing with and through reality as life, as symbiosis with all life, flow in doing what must be done based on reality, where water does not flow through a rock or is not stopped by a rock, but flows over or around it - adjusting and continuing to flow fluidly; or like how water in the depths of the ocean can appear to stand still but is in fact always moving and flowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck, to dam(n) myself with suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become positively energetically charged when the words flow and the water flows and I feel that I am seeing myself and facing myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become PROUD when I take responsibility for myself, where it is like I am patting myself on the back and thanking myself for doing this, but then am also taking it a step further and feeling powerful and prideful and even invincible like, wow, I am really doing this, I can face anything, I can take on the world!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my heart rate to increase with excitement of opening the floodgates and releasing the blockage and letting it out, and to allow my increased heart rate then to move me in increased momentum where then I am like "on a roll" so that I am moving into a positive polarity charge of the experience of writing myself out = not stable, not here.


When and as I see myself resisting writing and feeling "unclear," I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I feel unclear, then clearly I may be suppressing. I realize that if I am resisting writing myself, then I am resisting seeing myself. I commit myself to asking myself if there is anything I am choosing not to see, if there is anything I am degrading the importance of or claiming does not matter, if there is anything I am suppressing and ignoring. I commit myself to writing this out for myself on whatever platform to assist and support myself in seeing and taking responsibility for myself.

When and as I see myself setting aside points that come up in resistance to seeing them and therefore suppression, I stop and I breathe. I realize that suppression has far reaching consequences in my body and mind. I am beginning to see a strong connection between suppression and depression, and how within suppression I am obviously not taking responsibility for myself, and within justifying this I will have to tell myself that I cannot take responsibility for myself -- I will have to tell myself that this experience is "happening to me," denying that I am creating it through suppression. I realize that when I have suppressed in this past week alone I have become more irritable, more apathetic, and felt in less control of myself. So I commit myself again to writing out the points that come up that I want to ignore, to recognize their importance as defining me if I do not face them.

When and as I see myself entering a positive energetic state as a result of releasing suppression, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is a polar opposite energy experience, and as such it will have consequences in terms of instability and continued vacillation of energetic states. I realize that I am here to make myself stable, to take responsibility for myself in self honesty, not to create and manifest for myself positivity as motivation to be effective, but to simply be effective within and as myself as my own self directive principle. I commit myself to continuing to investigate how this positive polarity exists within the dynamic of suppression, depression, and mania. I commit myself to consistency and reliability within myself in facing myself and supporting myself, so that the water may have a steady flow. I commit myself to breathe and support myself in self honesty in each and every moment, and to direct myself to write when and as I can.



I can see that this topic is quite relevant to the second-to-last point within my series on "Showing Up for Myself," which can be viewed here:
Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86
Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87

Showing Up for Myself Part 3: Self Support through Reading Blogs - Day 89
Showing Up for Myself Part 4: Am I Doing a Good Job? - Day 91

"Love and Light" at its Finest: A Day at the Yoga Studio - Day 74

Because Ignorance is Bliss

An interesting thing happened at my yoga studio today. I was working the front desk and one of the 4 owners was hanging out in the lobby while a class and teacher training were occurring in each of the studios. I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the first part of the interaction, but a man came in and sat down and chatted with the owner. He mentioned something about taking a shower, which is what he then went and did. While he was in the shower, the owner came to me and asked if I had caught his name, as she had already forgotten. We did some "sleuthing" to try and figure out who he was -- he had apparently told her that he had just started working the front desk as well, but we don't have many men who go to the studio, let alone work the front desk.

We didn't get very far in our sleuthing before he came back out. The owner asked him what shift he works and when he answered I realized that there was a male's name written in by hand on the schedule for that shift, so I saw his first name. He was already starting to get a little defensive at this point, but in an apologetic way, like he was saying he was sorry if he was overstepping his boundaries by coming in just to use the shower, he'd fallen on some "hard times," etc. I asked him what his last name was which apparently seemed again like an attack to him, because after he answered he became more defensive and pointed out how all of a sudden we were asking who he was and everyone had previously been very welcoming but here he didn't feel welcomed and he guesses he's just insecure. I looked him up on the computer and he has not taken any yoga classes, but he did indeed start working the front desk just one week ago, so he had worked one shift. He said that he had talked to one of the yoga teachers who had recommended that he sign up to work the front desk, as this grants free yoga for that person, and he said "I want more yoga in my life" (even if all he really wants is more showers in his life, so what, if he's willing to work especially?).

He mentioned a lot about how he had fallen on hard times, and isn't a yoga studio supposed to be about welcoming people? "Everyone here is so beautiful, I want to feel beautiful." He also made some seemingly bitter remarks about how everyone seems well-off financially, and so he clearly felt separate and like no one would be able to understand or relate to his situation, and he maybe also felt angry that others have fortune that he does not. He asked me if I had ever felt insecure and I said, of course! Every day! So he seemed to be in a mindset that his life experiences were so very different from others simply because others had money -- in some ways this is true but in other ways not. Personally I noticed I felt frustrated with the assumptions because not everyone who goes to that studio lives in that city, myself included, and we are not all that well-off financially (although many are somewhat mind boggling wealthy).

The owner wasn't very responsive -- she just kind of said "yeah that's tough" to everything he said about having lost his house and having nowhere to go. I couldn't see her face from where I was sitting. I was trying to just observe and get a handle on what was happening. I felt like it would have been appropriate for him to speak more about what his intentions were -- here he was actually working for the studio and just wanted to use the shower, is that okay? You know like actually ask for the favor he was hoping to receive. But I also thought that the owner could have been more communicative with what she thought of him and what her expectations were of a person who wants to shower at the studio, so that he wasn't having to guess and wasn't feeling like he had to defend himself against this person who he perceived as disapproving of him. But she wasn't really saying much of anything one way or the other, and eventually he left in a bit of a huff.

During the interaction I wanted to stay out of it because here is one of the owners and I am just a work exchange volunteer and so it's really not my place to try to get in the middle of this conversation, but I also felt like neither individual was communicating well so I noticed I had this desire to sort of mediate, like literally sit down with the two of them and talk it out and reach an understanding/clarification, but I did not feel like this was "my place" to do such a thing. After he left I went and sat next to the owner to find out what she thought since she hadn't shown much reaction while he was there.

What happened next was the part that was most surprising to me. She kind of spilled her reaction out at that point which quickly escalated as others who were in the room joined in and pretty soon everyone was talking about how that guy was "so defensive!" and "I didn't feel safe" and "did you notice how we stayed in the room because we didn't want to leave you alone because that guy was so x y and z?" and "his energy was just so _____," "I could just feel his energy," and on and on with their own reactions about how he/his energy was bad. So first we had this man reacting in defensiveness, and then we have a reaction to his reaction, and it was really quite fascinating to watch how everyone seemed to base their behavior as their presentation of themselves in this situation off of their assumptions/projections/reactions, and no one seemed very willing to just meet "eye-to-eye" with a mutual understanding of actual communication and seeing others as actual human beings rather than as characters or personas to which they could react/blame/create drama around/feel victimized and like this had been some terrible occurrence.

So here it was like these people were all conversing somewhat excitedly about their reactions to this man and in remembrance of the incident they blew it up to be something it was not within their reactions and their beliefs that they had just created about who this man is and what this interaction meant, rather than simply being present (and responsive!) in the interaction itself. It's like they were paralyzed by fear within the moment itself and then after the moment passed they reflected on it as their fear, so that what they saw in memory was not what had actually happened but simply how they created themselves to feel and then further reactions to that feeling.

From there, more owners got involved. I stated my perspective when asked and suggested talking to the teacher he said had referred him in order to get more info, then my shift was over and I took a yoga class. But I actually got called out of my yoga class about 35 minutes into it in order to speak with one of the owners who was not present on the phone about what had happened. He told me that he was going to send out an email to everyone who works at the studio stating that this man was not allowed anywhere near the front desk or near the building and that if anyone ever saw him they should call himself or his dad immediately, and/or "the authorities." I just said "ok" because this owner is basically my boss. But then he asked me what my take was, so I told him that while I did have a bit of my own uncomfortable internal reaction, I in no way felt "unsafe" and the man did not raise his voice as some had claimed he did and it seemed like his defensiveness was just coming from a place of miscommunication. I said that this seemed like an opportunity to reach out to someone who needs some assistance and to bridge the gap of misunderstanding. He said that he understood but that at this point he could not do that because of what certain individuals had already expressed as how they felt, and he could not allow them to be exposed to this man's energy again.

So this was disappointing because although I cannot judge how another person actually felt, and although I am not an owner of this studio and the owners can do whatever they please, I can say that there was really absolutely nothing unsafe about that situation, and that we create, accept, and allow our feelings/reactions, and therefore this opportunity to support a member of the community is lost simply because some people decided to feel a certain way rather than open themselves up to the possibility that here is a fellow human being who is interested in becoming involved at the yoga studio and is interested in receiving some of this "love and light" and support that the yoga community espouses to be all about. So here was an opportunity for the yoga studio as an organizational point in the community to "walk" its "talk" and they blew it... which is becoming a more and more common (or visible?) occurrence at this studio, I am observing.

They shut him out for being human, for showing them parts of themselves they did not want to see.

It was also very interesting to see how much people mentioned the man's "energy" as if "his energy" was offensive, when we know that no person or situation or anything outside of oneself can make oneself feel a certain way. So the individuals here, and myself many times, have created our own energy around a situation and then have projected it outward as if it has been sourced by some external influence or as if another person's "energy" is something they can emit and transmit into you to force you to experience it against your will. How ridiculous!!!


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create energy and then blame that energy on another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to notice my energetic state and to identify it as being sourced outside of myself, as if it exists separate from me and is pinned on someone/something else, and that I am being exposed to and thus a victim of it. I forgive myself that I have not always accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I create my own energetic experience at all times through what I accept and allow and through my connection to and as myself as one as equal as life as stability within what is best for all.


I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to speak up more in this situation, that I allowed myself to be paralyzed by uncertainty or by feeling like it was "not my place" to speak up and to try to bridge the misunderstandings that I saw playing out in front of me in the moment. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as my ability within limitations of social status such that I did not want to "step on any toes." I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not speak up more or become more involved because I secretly feared that I would also create a negative energetic reaction at least in my bodily experience where I often become visibly shaky in conflict / perceived conflict. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so separate from myself as one as equal as life and to create such a relationship with "conflict" as a human interaction that occurs because of what we accept and allow, that I am not in a place that I am able to stand as a point of support for others who are in a point of conflict.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactionary states when another person is behaving in a way that I have identified as "making" me feel a certain way, such as uncomfortable, afraid, unsafe, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut others out when they behave in ways that show that they really need someone to let them in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for entering into reactionary states when they feel threatened or for whatever reason, and then have also blamed them for my reaction to their reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this world as if it is normal and acceptable to interact via chains of reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as various mindsets that have dictated my perception of reality and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually live in reality, interaction with actual reality, but instead to live within my mind as my perception of reality, where here I am just living in a chain of reactions to my assumptions/judgments/projections, all created within my mind, all disregarding the actual real physical in each moment, all out of sync with the physical time and space of reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be present in the moment for myself and for the other people around me, as what is clearly best for all here in understanding and being understood, in relating as one and equal to all, in communicating openly and honestly, and in supporting all as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that positive feelings and thoughts and affirmations are the answer or solution to problems of the world or even the problems of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can generate enough positive energy then everything will be okay and problems will be solved. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore real actual physical reality and the problems therein in favor of residing within my mind within love and light within imagined positivity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "as long as I am okay" or "as long as I have what I need," this is all that matters. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see or face or look at others as the ways that others are suffering all around me and my responsibility in this.



I commit myself to remaining present in interactions which "make" me feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or afraid.

I commit myself to compassion for other individuals as myself, as one and equal as life.

I commit myself to open and honest communication for mutual understanding.

I commit myself to supporting others where they are.

I commit myself to living within the present as the here and now, directing myself within the physical time and space of each moment as reality.

I commit myself to accepting others as myself, as one and equal as life.

I commit myself to seeing others as myself, as one and equal as life.

I commit myself to not looking away, not turning my back, not retreating to my mindscape.

I commit myself to seeing myself and stopping myself in the moment of seeing my reactions.

I commit myself to finding real solutions, to dedication to the belief that a real solution is available, that I am the solution, we are all the solution if we allow ourselves to be the solution, to stop being the problem.

I commit myself to these things not only for myself but for all, as one as equal as life, as what is best for all, as the solution.

Intent: "I didn't mean to!" - Day 44

But do we really see, realize, & understand our intent?

Creation's Journey to Life recently opened up the point of "INTENT," and this is something that I have been considering recently as well.

A few weeks ago I realized the meaninglessness in "meaning well" when I would see myself justify or excuse my behavior or words by saying "I didn't mean it like that" or "that was not my intention." Often this is in response to discovering that I have moved myself in a way where the result is not "what I intended," which is to simply say the outcome is not something I considered as a potential or probable consequence or outflow. But what I realized is that nonetheless I have moved myself in this way and so my intent was in some form on some level to have that outcome, or to ignore/neglect consideration of the outcome such that I moved myself from an irresponsible self-interested starting point wherein I was inconsiderate of the consequences of my choices. As Bernard has said:

If one then Measures the Practical Application – which is What you Should be Doing because you should be Measuring Exactly What it is that is Actually Being Produced through the Participation of Yourself and Others, and thus How as the World System Everything Functions, then you’ll Notice that All the Intent – and this is All Throughout Human History - has Always come to Nothing, because there is only One Way where One Can Have an Outcome that’s Best and that is to Actually Do it. Any form of Intent has ONLY Ever Been an Excuse.

As we all can see in our interactions it is the outcome of our movements within the physical that actually determines what occurs and what impact is made. We can intend all we want but it is not until we actually DO that we are effecting change within the physical.

So here I can for example become aware that something I have said or done had impacted another person or situation negatively and I can excuse myself by saying "Oh! That was not my intent!" and thus feel better about my participation in the creation of that outcome. And I noticed myself doing this a lot in particular at my old job where there would be times that I had failed to take full responsibility for myself and within that new awareness I would see myself continue to abdicate responsibility by justifying outcomes with my intent. So then here I can also see how this tendency toward excusing myself through intention is linked to a refusal to take responsibility and within that this commonly comes up during the arrival of criticism -- another dimension to explore as I open up more about my defensive personalities.

So within excusing myself through my readily accessible sense of self-intent, and within the realization that self directs self even through and as the personalities/reactions/patterns/memories that I accept and allow within and as myself, I can see then how "intent" is actually always outcome and thus outcome is always intended, even if I want to claim ignorance toward that outcome or intent. I know that I am buried in layers upon layers of what I have accepted and allowed and so the point here is not to place blame or judgment or even to place the expectation that I should suddenly be able to direct myself to intend and produce best-for-all outcomes, but simply to be self-honest and take self-responsibility and within this forgive myself and commit myself to slow down myself to the point of being able to see and consider all consequences and then to release myself from my personalities/reactions/patterns in increasing my accessibility to my SELF in every moment so that I can be aware of intent and I can truly intend and thus move myself toward, within, and as best-for-all outcomes, within this being fully responsible within self-honesty and self-awareness for my intents and outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify and excuse my behavior within the statement "I didn't mean to."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider all dimensions of myself in every moment and when making decisions that require consideration for best-for-all outcomes wherein I allow myself to ignore and remain ignorant to aspects/dimensions of myself that are contributing to and behind my starting-points and thus my intentions to where even if I identify my "intent" as being "good," it is really only "good" for and within my self-interest, and therefore the outcome of my actions within my intent which is my direction of myself will be an outcome based in my self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely ignore parts of myself which are selfish and self-interested, reactionary, greedy, paranoid, etc., to where even though I can see that these dimensions of myself exist and even though I can sense that they are influencing me within my intentions and thus my direction of myself and thus the outcomes that I create in the physical, I suppress them and remain within the thought "I mean well" and "my intentions are good" so as to appease myself and allow myself to knowingly and deliberately self-sabotage and sabotage others through and as my self-interested intentions, directions, and outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist recognition and realization of my outcomes to where when and as I see the outcome of my movements I tell myself or the other person "that was not my intent" as if to say that because my intention was "good" the outcome does not matter, when obviously within reality the only real thing and thus the only thing that matters is in fact the outcome, and so within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my "intent" is worth cultivating and identifying as "good" and "positive" rather than looking instead at the outcome itself and what outcome would be best-for-all and then coming to a common-sensical way to move myself toward that outcome while seeing myself and my personalities/characters/patterns/reactions in self-honesty to reject these dimensions of myself as influential in directing/moving myself toward outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist recognition and realization of my outcomes to where when and as I see that the outcome of my movements I tell myself or the other person "that was not my intent" and within this I abdicate responsibility for myself and for the impact that I make in the world because I am allowing myself to direct myself within and as my pride and my ego to where I am unwilling to allow myself to SEE life for what it is and SEE the physical for what it is and SEE myself for who I am and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and thus the outflow and consequences of who I am and how I behave within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse my outcomes with my intent because within this I am sweeping the consequences of the outcome "under the rug" to where I am not only not looking at myself as director of myself as intent  but am also not looking at the consequences of myself and my outcome and therefore I am NOT LOOKING and am closing my eyes to reality and to suffering and to the problems in this world which I have participated within and as and have created and sustained through my self-directed ignorance toward anything that is unpleasant to see.