Subtle Experience Moves Me - Day 162

I've been doing okay with identifying actual thoughts and trains of thought, stopping them, and forgiving myself, before they get out of hand.

In a way it is difficult to tell how "successful" this is because I can't see what would happen if I didn't do that... I can only reflect on what has happened in the past. And I've only been doing it a couple days.

But I have definitely had moments wherein I could have easily allowed myself to be carried away by thoughts and back chat and internal conversations, and I haven't, and that is cool.

What is proving to be far more tricky is to do this with more subtle energies, feelings, and emotions. "States of being" even... I mean here I am laying in bed and feeling rather miserable and pessimistic about my day and about myself and I'm not totally sure how I got here, but I am seeing that it has a lot to do with the feelings and emotions that I've accepted and allowed, even though I've done pretty well with stopping actual thoughts and energies that have taken verbal form.

So I experienced these energies very subtly and wasn't totally sure what to do with them, also wanting to give myself the space to just support myself rather than turn around and push myself hurriedly into some great venture I was resisting, and then it accumulated into the state of being I exist in and as now.

And I actually wouldn't say there are no thoughts associated with this. They're just under layers of energy, muffled, but still there.

And to come back to this: "give myself the space to just support myself rather than turn around and push myself hurriedly into some great venture I was resisting."

I mean I've understood that I am in the process of stabilizing and of really focusing on just self-support. But I have used that as an excuse to not push through resistances and do things that I "want" to do but that I give myself reasons not to do: I am too tired, I can't, I am not good enough, it will not work out, I don't feel like it, and eventually leading into more self-deprecating self-talk like telling myself I have no friends, what's it matter? etc. etc. Also thinking about how much the weekend sucks and how it seems like every time Thursday comes around I'm excited for Friday and the weekend but by the time it's Friday night and I realize I have nothing to do, no plans, and anything I could do will require more effort from me than just watching TV or going to bed absurdly early, and I get discouraged and feel lonely and useless.

I consider substance abuse, but I haven't drank at home by myself in a month now, even though I have wine, and, although I've had sweets when they've been offered at work, I haven't had any ice cream or baked goods in my home in about a month either. And I don't think that these "problems" I am creating for myself through the experiences I am creating are ones I should shove down and run away from through evasive / avoidance behavior.

Avoidance behavior is a really big deal for me. I need to look more closely at that. And since I am having difficulty taking on whatever I am experiencing in writing lately, maybe I should just plan to have a look at statements of patterns and characteristics of codependence until / unless there is something else to address in writing.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter a negative energetic experience of myself like "depression" or "anxiety" and to just sit there believing that there is nothing I can do about it, or feeding into the apathy and laziness and powerlessness that comes with these experiences so that I "give myself" time to sit here and justify it by thinking that "tomorrow" or "later" I will "do something about it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gift myself with something that is self-abusive and not self-supportive and is self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take the time to write out the space I am in and the energies I am sensing and to try and have a look at how and why I am here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to do this because I did not feel "clear" enough to write something that would be worthy of publishing on my blog, so, "why bother?" I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make publishing on my blog more important than practically supporting myself, so that if practically supporting myself in writing does not result in publishing on my blog, I don't bother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if I am going to continue this process, wherein wondering shows that I am taking a passive stance of not directing myself but allowing energies to direct me so that I have to "wonder" what the result will be rather than directing the result for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice subtle energies of emotional experiences but to not realize that I can also apply self forgiveness in the moment of those experiences or in the moment that I notice the experience or simply in the moment that I realize I can apply self forgiveness for that experience, even if it has been subtly present for a little while.

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to support myself in this way or even to really try to look and see how I could support myself when I began to notice these subtle energies.

I realize some of this has to do with what may or may not happen today, and that I am fearful of how I may or may not react, and that I am allowing myself to live under this dark cloud of not knowing rather than standing strong and tall and stable as myself, supporting myself absolutely and unconditionally, and clearing myself of all of these energies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about some future event that may or may not happen and how I will handle it and wanting to control the event through my emotions and reactions so that I can abdicate responsibility for myself through these energies rather than taking responsibility for myself and my own well-being by clearing the energies so that I can stand clear and stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look toward some future event that may or may not happen and feel like everything else must be put on hold until then because, hang on, me, and hang on, life, I need to spiral downward real quick and just let myself fall until I find out what's happening -- again outside of my own control or direction, "wondering" and "waiting" to see what will happen.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take a stand within myself and direct myself as I am who I can control, directing myself to be self-supportive and also gracious and patient with myself within the realization that yes, I may experience some kind of inner turmoil, but I am still here, and I can reflect on that inner turmoil to see myself better and to direct myself better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only ever feed myself negative and self-deprecating thoughts about my ability to endure certain road bumps or road blocks or my ability to do anything at all, or what I am worth, etc., I realize that if I am going to feed myself anything in the form of thoughts I should at least be supporting myself by affirming for myself that I am capable, and that it might be hard, but I can do it, and I will still be here, and I am not unworthy, and I am alive / a life, one with and equal to all as life, so I do matter, etc. etc. I commit myself to watch what I say to myself about myself and my abilities. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify and create excuses for apathy and laziness within an experience of depression and anxiety wherein even though I wanted to draw or I wanted to go to yoga or I wanted to read blogs or a book or do something more interesting, I chose instead to do almost nothing that was self-supportive while under the dark cloud of what the next day (today) might bring, so that I was basically just like biding my time until "disaster" might strike rather than doing something that I enjoy or that would support me to get myself out of this "funk" or support me to see how I can direct myself at this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself extensively within all of these thoughts like "I can't" or "it's not worth it" or "why bother?" until basically here I am a fully capable and physically healthy human being with many advantages in life, a job, money, food, etc., and I live as if I am worthless and useless and can do nothing, giving up basically, a living death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall back on and access a kind of living dead state any time that I am facing an experience of depression.

I wonder what it would be like if I became "reckless" in this state. Oh, you don't want to draw, because you think it will suck? Well, what's it matter, if you're as good as dead anyway??

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to recognize the subtle thoughts that exist behind my energies just because they are not loud and are not at the fore-front of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within my self-support within the belief that "I do not know what to do with those subtle thoughts or energies," because, even though I do see them, they are not as obvious as some others, and so for some reason this makes me believe that they must be addressed differently or cannot be addressed until they react a kind of "crisis" mode.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be proactive with myself and my self-support so that the moment I see any kind of energy or thought, no matter how subtle, I look at it and how it is directing me and I direct it, I stop, I breathe, and I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist activities that I "want" to do and believe I would enjoy for really small minuscule reasons such as how I am feeling / emoting, or that my desk is a little messy and would need to be organized, or that my eyes feel tired, or other thought / self-talk related excuses.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actively not support myself under the guise of supporting myself by "cutting myself some slack."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have like a domino chain reaction effect where when I resist doing one thing I resist doing all things and then mope around and feel sorry for myself, also feeling undeserving of success or clarity or stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I don't deserve to feel successful or clear or stable, so I create and then hold onto negative beliefs about myself and self-limitations so that I can remain stuck in that darkness and lash out at anyone who tries to help while at the same time periodically reaching points where all I want is for someone to try and help. I help myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because I feel like I have no or only a very few friends. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically throw myself a pity party within this wherein I think about all the reasons that no one would want to be my friend and all the reasons I can't make friends etc. etc., rather than firstly realizing and understanding how I came to this point within friendships and also realizing and understanding that I can make friends and also realizing and understanding that I have had friends in the past and so I am not defective, but often in the past I have not valued those friendships as much as I have in retrospection, so here I realize there is more to look at in myself in how I am never good enough and no one else is ever good enough and nothing is ever good enough and also to take responsibility for myself within friendships as a preparation to actively seeking out new friendships because I realize that if I do not change then neither will the consequences and results of my patterns and behaviors.

I see here that even in positive memories, I am often/always "looking back" and "holding on," so not just with negative experiences / memories but with positive ones too.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not writing a blog last night because I chose to do other less self-supportive things instead, but I also realize this is a process and some of the things I am writing about here today may not have been realized last night, so it's okay, it's a process, and today I came to the point of writing, whereas last night I was at a different point.


I commit myself to continue to look at all of these points.

I commit myself, when and as I notice any energy or thought at all, no matter how subtle it seems, to stop, breathe, and forgive myself in that moment of experience.

I commit myself to watching what I tell myself about myself and my abilities and what I am worth.

I commit myself to use the patterns and characteristics of codependence or other patterns and characteristics that I identify with to see myself through writing, because I realize this will support me and will also support me in relationships / friendships and so it will be a work of preparation for healthier friendships which is something I want and so can support myself to get.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to at least try whatever thing I "want" to do but am resisting, whether it is art, reading, going outside, calling a friend, cleaning, or any other activity which I identify as "wanting" to do but resist.

I commit myself to moving forward today in unknowing, fearlessly, supporting myself in my breath and the realization that I am capable and I can do this and I am here, here with myself, here in the physical, and that continuing to fear and continuing to limit myself in my beliefs about my abilities is killing me.