Looking at Myself as My Patterns - Day 152

I see that I have to do something different than what I have been doing, because it's not working, and because I am giving myself migraines.

At the end of this post are the statements of patterns and characteristics of codependence from my CoDA packet (see Day 150). I emboldened the ones that I feel most strongly serve as representations, per my ability to self-see, of my experience of myself, and italicized the few ones that, at least for now, I do not see myself in hardly at all (although I see myself in all of them to at least some extent). I think it is important to note that these are common patterns and characteristics of human beings in general within our creation of ourselves through our minds, but that experiencing enough of these particular patterns/characteristics means that looking at oneself through the lens of codependency might be supportive. Otherwise, simply reading the statements and noticing yourself in any of them is a cool way to see yourself as a pattern of operation. 

I want to begin to look at this because I don't know how many more times I can bang my head against the wall of energy I am existing in the last few weeks / months. So I am looking now to support myself from a different angle, a more all-self-encompassing approach rather than continuing to look at this one wall and get stuck on how it is just like all the other walls, wishing that the person who "hurt me" this time, like every other time, would come and heal all of my many past wounds, holding all of my past wounds against this present person and situation. Here I begin to heal myself. 

I realized this about myself yesterday, or at least put it to words. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, every time I feel hurt by someone, allow myself to open up all of my past wounds, and project anger and blame onto this one new person or new situation that is charged from all of my past struggles and abuses and past self-victimization coagulating with new self-victimization, creating the ultimate un-rescue-able victim. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somehow want this person to somehow heal all of me, and also take the blame for all of me, which is impossible. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so helpless and powerless as myself as a victim that I take whatever opportunity I can to revisit past wounds which leads me to confusion about the here-now moment of "conflict" or "abuse," so that as I am facing what is here in front of me, I am also facing all of the great many things that are behind me, that indeed I never really left behind. I forgive myself that I have never accepted or allowed myself to heal myself or learn how to heal myself or even realize that I can and am the only one who can heal myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit around and wait for someone else to come heal me, for some magical fix, and that within this I have started all new relationships and friendships from this starting point of feeling like I need to be fixed, and maybe this person can fix me, so that when they don't, or especially if they end up hurting me in some way, I become all the more wounded and self-victimized and angry and hurt and self-defeating. I commit myself now to take a step back and see myself, hold myself, take responsibility for myself, and heal myself. I commit myself to walk this path of self-healing as is most self-serving in self-honesty. I commit myself to seeing the broader patterns of who I am because, for me, this is the best and easiest way to see myself, and, for me, I become overwhelmed when I try to get too specific, at least for now, because there is too much else to also look at that is directly related, open, and hurting. So now I try a different angle, a different approach -- one that matches my energetic experience and the way that I exist as myself, rather than in opposition to myself: working with myself to heal myself.

I commit myself again to my Self, and no other, not allowing myself to align myself with what I believe another or others want or expect or wish of me, but seeing myself in self-honesty and then working with myself to walk this process in a way that is self-supportive in aligning myself with what is best for all as me. 

Some of these are more presently relevant than others. Some I can see I have already changed significantly in myself, whether through work with Desteni or prior to my participation with the Desteni process. Some are in process now. I will look at some statements individually through writing in posts to come. 

Denial Patterns:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel. 
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. 
• I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others. 
• I label others with my negative traits. 
• I can take care of myself without any help from others. 
• I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
• I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. 

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. 
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. 
• I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve. 
• I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake. 
• I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good. 
• I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires. 
• I perceive myself as superior to others. 
• I look to others to provide my sense of safety. 
• I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects. 
• I have trouble setting healthy priorities. 

Compliance Patterns:

• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. 
• I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want. 
• I am hyper vigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. 
• I accept sexual attention when I want love. 
• I make decisions without regard to the consequences. 
• I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. 

Control Patterns:

• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel. 
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked. 
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice. 
• I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
• I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. 
• I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. 
• I demand that my needs be met by others. 
• I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
• I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. 
• I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. 
• I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. 
• I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others. 
• I pretend to agree with others to get what I want. 

Avoidance Patterns:

• I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me. 
• I judge harshly what others think, say, or do. 
• I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance. 
• I allow my addictions to people, places, and things distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships. 
• I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. 
• I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery. 
• I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable. 
• I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away. 
• I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself. (this I edit to: "I refuse to give up my self-ish-want to avoid surrendering to the power that is myself in self-honesty.")
• I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. 
• I withhold expressions of appreciation.