"He Did It First!": Perpetuating Abuse and Re-Victimization - Day 151

"He did it first!" That's the number one excuse I hear at the school where I work. Like as if another person doing something makes it okay for you to do the same thing.

Yesterday I was having kind of a hard time figuring out how to support a student who was basically just being grumpy and irritable and only wanted her way, which was sort of no way at all.

I didn't really know what to say to her, so I just sat with her. But then I thought -- why am I sometimes mean to people? Why do I sometimes think it's okay to be mean?

Well, because others have been mean to me. So it seems like it's okay, or it's the most easily referenced example of how I could behave.

So then I pay it forward. I'm not even always mean to the person or people who were mean to me in the first place, but days, weeks, months, even years later, I pay it forward because I've normalized it as okay, and as acceptable, because it happened to me. I mean not even "okay" in the sense of "it's okay to be mean," but more just, that behavior is "okay" -- not even categorized as mean. Especially if I didn't see any consequences play out for the person who was mean to me.

I mean what we experience tends to become what we see as normal. And so if we see being mean as normal, because others have been mean to us, then we go and be mean to others, because we think it is normal, okay, and acceptable, and then we are just perpetuating this cycle of meanness.

What if everyone was nice?

In simple terms obviously.

What if everyone did what was best for all?

What if everyone treated everyone else the way that they themselves would like to be treated?

I like being treated with kindness. I like being treated with compassion. I like being treated with respect. I like being understood.

So what if I did all those things for others? What if I helped make that normal? What if I gave others that experience, so they could also make it normal?

What if we didn't always respond in kind? What if we turned around and stood up? What if we each faced ourselves and all others as one and equal as life? What if we didn't just allow ourselves to perpetuate cycles of abuse? What if we didn't just allow ourselves to perpetuate cycles of victimization and re-victimization, and abused becoming abusers?

The victimization part is especially interesting, I think. Because if others have been mean to me, and especially if I haven't seen any consequences for those others, then I see myself as a victim. And as a victim, I feel powerless. And here I am again, in this same powerless dynamic. How can I have power? It seemed like the person who was mean to me had power. So I can be mean to another. Then I have "power," then I have "control."

But my student seemed to respond to what I was saying. I think she saw the power in changing herself. I think she saw that she doesn't have to be a victim and just go along with the cycle of abuse. I think she saw that power and control actually comes in every moment, as participants in creating this world, and so -- why not create it as best for all? That is what I saw, anyway.


These are questions we are all asking ourselves with Desteni, and many other people all over the world are asking the same. Desteni provides tools for answering these questions and directing self to be the change we all really want to see in this world where we live. Turn around and stand up: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I encounter an opportunity to interact with another person, reference past memories of other people treating me poorly to use as my guides of how to engage in this new situation, so that I guide and direct myself by my experiences of normalized abuse.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to meet each moment and each person with respect as doing unto another as I would want done unto me -- not as what I can easily remember and reference as what has been done unto me in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my memories of particularly negative interactions with others as my reference point for guiding myself now, so that it's as if as long as I do behave "as badly" as the people in my past behaved toward me, per my perception, then I am "okay" and it is "normal."

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to reference memories and instances of exemplary treatment as my guiding reference point for how to treat others, also referencing myself in self honesty and self respect to direct myself in treating others with respect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as one with and equal to abuse, and my past experiences of abuse, perpetuating cycles of abuse and victimization in this world through my participation as a life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only tolerate but in fact participate within and as the perpetuation of cycles of abuse.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take a stand and say no more!


I commit myself to question myself in every moment, to ask myself what my reference point is for my behavior, and ask myself how I would like to be treated in this interaction, and to put myself in the other person's shoes as best I can. I commit myself to breathe through this process with patience and compassion. I commit myself to stopping my participation in the perpetuation of the cycle of abuse, and starting my participation in the perpetuation of the cycle of Life. I commit myself to be one among many who stand and change the world, as ourselves, as our examples, and as the impact of our behaviors.