Unconditional Responsibility - Day 175

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become extremely frustrated and angry when and as I see that another person does not seem to understand the impact of their behavior on me. I realize that the impact is mine and my own creation through and as my reactions and my instability. I realize I cannot make another person take responsibility for themselves, and I realize that I am the only person who can take responsibility for myself, and as such I cannot make another person take responsibility for me or my experience. - Day 174

This is why I set the boundary -- to take responsibility for myself within the realization that time and again I was projecting my own responsibility for my internal experiences of anger onto another person through the re-triggering within our interactions. I realized that I was not letting go of wanting this person to understand and wanting this person to take ownership in a specific way. I realized that my reactions were accumulating to the point of complete and utter instability within myself and so I had to give myself the time and space to deal with those reactions and to take responsibility for myself by not accepting or allowing myself even the opportunity to blame another person for my reactions just by their presence in person or communication.

I've not done this yet. But what I see is that despite minimal interaction, I still easily become very angry. So as much as I would like to pin this on the other person and everything that transpired between us (so, in that, me, too, culpable) in the past year, I realize that it is only me and my own energy I am creating within myself based on memories and that, when and as the anger arises, I do not direct it, but instead go into justification for it. (Thanks, Sally.)

There is a single point which remains in terms of me wanting control over this situation in a way that is not necessarily fair. Although I see it as something that would be "nice" and "considerate" and maybe even "effective" for this person to do, I cannot control this person, and ultimately they can do whatever they want. I cannot pin my reaction in this point on them just because they are not doing what I would prefer they do. I cannot continue to justify this anger, because this is literally making me sick (in and as my mind).

As much as I would like to be so fucking pissed off and feel justified in that, I realize it is not how I would like to be treated, and so I will not treat myself that way. I realize too that I would not like for another person to be fucking pissed off at me just because I do not understand something. As much as I would like to believe that this person is maliciously trying to hurt me and send me into reaction by refusing to respect this one simple boundary, I do not know that this is the case, and they claim that they are not "trying" to be disrespectful. I realize that no matter what happens, malicious or not, my reaction is mine and it is something I do unto myself more than any other. So I realize that I am giving myself a great sickness by accepting and allowing the reaction and anger and that as much as I might believe that my reaction somehow impacts the other person, I see, realize, and understand, that this is just an attempt on my part for power or control because: I feel as if their behavior impacts me (and so believe that my behavior can impact them), which it does not in-fact, it is instead my reaction that I accept and allow which creates this experience / "impact." So here I am only sabotaging myself and holding myself hostage in misery and dis-ease in an attempt to sabotage another and "make" another person feel the way that I do, or to feel the way that I think they have "made" me feel.

I mean it's difficult to let go of this if I think it actually works.

But it does not.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to destabilize even after setting my boundary such that I really lost sight of even why I set the boundary and what my expectation / commitment to myself was in setting that boundary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to enter into anger within a projection of blame for that experience being the responsibility of another as either creator or trigger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue on in anger and to accept and allow anger when and as it comes up and to accept and allow the thoughts and back chat that accompany anger which only serve the function of justifying the anger and fueling the anger, the sickness, the disease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to poison myself within the belief that this will somehow harm the other person or teach them a lesson or something nonsensical like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself, my integrity, my responsibility, my safety, my sanity, my stability, to serve as a slave to the false presumption that my internal experience somehow garners power or control for me, rather than over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself over to anger time and again and for accepting and allowing myself to grasp at nothing to try and resolve my anger rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that my anger is my own creation and that I am the one who is accepting and allowing it within and as me, so no other intervention will work except the one where I take responsibility for myself as self directive principle of myself, my experience, and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to donate and devote my experience of myself to this anger as my god and idol and savior and protector as if anger is somehow on my side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to side with anger by which I have separated myself from life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of my responsibility to take responsibility for myself as the only person who can do this and as the only thing that I can do. I realize however that it is all a part of the process, of my process, and that now I can move forward from here in self-responsibility, also now with increased self-trust so that:

When and as I fall again into anger and blame and judgment and resentment, I stop, and I breathe. I realize I can only take responsibility for myself -- no other can do this for me and I can do this for no other. It is the extent of my ability and it is an ongoing process, so I better get back to it, because sooner or later I will either be at it again, or I will be again diminishing myself as and separating myself from life. I realize I cannot survive in survival mode of my reactions. I realize freedom comes through responsibility for myself. So I commit myself to, when and as I see myself entering again into anger, stop, breathe, and take responsibility for myself in that moment of anger, as well as in that moment of the memory or interaction which triggered the anger, myself as my own hand holding the gun.

I commit myself to the process of unconditional self-responsibility as this is inevitable as the alternative to death and re-realizing this as many times as I need to until it is me in stability and actual-ized and real-ized in reality as my lived expression.