Adding Layers of Energy to Avoid Facing Self (Holding Onto Energy is Holding Self Back) - Day 136

In this post I had mentioned that I wanted to watch myself to see if I was creating, sustaining and thus holding onto any kind of energy, especially negative / emotional, specifically as a replacement to the energies I have lived in for many months that I am now releasing.

It's been a little bit of a stressful couple of days and I see myself getting caught up, even if only ever so slightly, on a couple things. Easiest for me to slip into is worry / concern about a particular member of my family, which is in regards to what I wrote about the last two days. This morning during a meeting with the other mental health professionals at work, memories and emotions were coming in regards to this family situation, the excuse utilized being the meeting conversation topic of the substance abuse by one of our students. So as the other staff were talking about a student's mental health and substance abuse, I was drifting off into my mind, thinking about my family, and engaging in the anxiety and discomfort in my stomach / solar plexus. And so I had to catch myself, and stop, and breathe.

I mean getting caught up in this is not going to help me, professionally or personally. It is also not going to help the situation itself in any way. It is not going to assist me in stability so that I might be able to support my family with suggestions / as a sounding board. But mostly, it is self-ir-response-able, because engaging in this energy is me purposely destabilizing myself basically to entertain myself and make myself feel important within my mind as my "problems," so that I will be unable to be here and thus respond to reality in alignment with equality and oneness and what is best for all.

In many ways, holding onto any kind of energy is the same as holding a grudge. It is the same as that saying / proverb that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well when I / we hold onto energy we think it means something, gives some kind of control or power, or somehow impacts another person the way we want it to. But really it only affects me, or you, or whoever is doing the holding. What's that other saying? Anger is like holding onto a hot coal: you're the one who gets burned? I mean I see this too at work with the students, who hold onto their reactions and anger as a way to avoid taking responsibility for themselves, or as a way to empower themselves to have some sense of control in their hectic lives. I see it even too with some of the staff, who are facing instability and even chaos amid all the changes, and who want to be angry rather than cooperate. Or the female student who has created a crush for herself on a classmate, and now that is how she entertains herself, drawing his name and other obsessive activities. Or again the example of a student, holding onto a personality / persona of being "tough" and "not caring" so as to cover up or avoid some other real pain or sense of inferiority, real points to face. And I see it in myself, and all around me, as we all allow and engage with and feed any kind of energy, positive or negative, so as to just add another layer between what is real and what we create. Another point to walk through before having to face the points we resist.

I noticed this too as I was walking through the point of the grudge. Hugely. Very clearly I did not want to face the grudge, myself as grudge-holder. I resisted a lot. And as a result, among other energetic participation (the grudge itself acting as a wall in my way), I chose to engage again in my own versions of substance abuse, which is really just mild drinking and compulsive eating. Another layer. Another point between me and the real point. A point which becomes the primary point, the point that has to be addressed before getting to the real point. Distraction and avoidance.

I saw it too when Bernard died, and I reacted. And probably in large part because my reaction was about Bernard, I stopped myself in mere minutes. I saw the reaction as an easy time-loop, to get stuck in the past of that moment I found out he died. Another reaction, another layer, another point, before I can continue on my process. Let it go, keep moving.

And in my last post I had a clearer glimpse than ever at how positive energy, either from others or myself, is still not self honest or self supportive or what is best for all. Holding onto positive energy is still blinding myself and getting myself stuck. My battle is primarily, at this stage anyway, with my tendency to gravitate toward negative energy experiences, which has all the more detrimental effects for myself and all as life. Either way this is energy to hold onto put in my own way. Holding onto something is holding self back.

So I was sitting in this meeting and I was starting to entertain the thoughts and I was starting to embrace the discomfort in my body. My brow was beginning to furrow and then I saw a little further down the dark road I was starting to travel: whining, feeling powerless, feeling sad, needing attention, angry maybe, irritability, selfishness... a whole gamut of energy available to adopt to get me off track and totally caught up in my own little world. Not effective. Not self honest. Not self responsible. Not self supportive. Not best for all. So, I stopped. I snapped myself out of it and back to the issues at hand, what was in front of me in that present moment. And now here I reflect.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain and begin to engage with the thoughts, emotions, and back chat when the conversation at work reminded me of what is happening in my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice that feeling in my gut / solar plexus and to use that as a justification for my mind energy, as like, "wow, if I get that feeling in my stomach, it must be real."

I thank myself for catching myself and snapping myself out of it, back into my breath, back into reality.

When and as I see myself getting hung up on back chat and emotions and thoughts about my personal life and my "problems," I stop and I breathe. I realize that participating in this energy is how I become the victim, and when I make myself the victim I take away my own power. I realize I make myself the victim, and I make myself powerless, through my participation in the energy. I commit myself to breathing myself into stability within the realization that it is only when I am here, now, that I am able to support myself and all as life.



"Hung up" -- I was having another conversation with a coworker and mentioned how some of the teachers get hung up on certain points in regards to classroom management, and I said, "they don't realize that hook doesn't even have to be there."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hung up on points, never asking myself if that hook even needs to be there in the first place, instead blaming the hook and believing my getting hung up is inevitable because of the nature of the hook. I realize I made the hook, I defined that point as worthy of hanging myself on. I hung myself on that hook. I realize that hook is thus my death, my stopping point in my process, until I can eradicate my participation in the creation and sustenance of the hook, and eliminate my participation in my own hanging.

When and as I feel "hung up" or stuck on a point, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to questioning the point itself. Why am I hung up on it, anyway? Does that point / hook even need to be there? What purpose does it serve? Is it best for all? Or am I just putting it there so I can have a place to hang around?



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto energetic experiences of any kind, positive or negative, as a stopping point for myself in my process, a hook on which to hang, or as an added layer between myself and myself as life.

I commit myself to moving through energy.
I commit myself to stability in all experiences.
I commit myself to my breath, commit myself thus to myself as life.
I commit myself to life and the value of life.
I commit myself to what is best for all.


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A First Step in Continuing On - Day 115

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/my-dad-devil.html

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not believe what I was reading, to think perhaps it was a trick, it couldn't possibly be true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perseverate on the thought, "I will never meet him," where within this thought and my repetition of this thought I am getting myself stuck in a moment in time as the moment of this shift / change in physical reality and this new information, rather than integrating this change into and as myself, existent anew in every new moment of the here and now as what is here in physical reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat this thought in my mind as like a brick-by-brick thought-by-thought imprisonment of myself within the past of this morning of the moment I read those words and reacted, realizing that if I allow myself to repeat this thought, there in that moment in that reaction I will remain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder then, "What's next? What now?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the dissolution of the group, how things might crumble or fall apart, not realizing within this thought that here I am only really thinking about myself -- my own dissolution as my participation in this group, where here I am looking for an excuse or an out, a reason to stop, because here I believe that the group will not continue, the support will not continue, and/or the direction inasmuch as there has been a kind of "leader" will not continue, within this an energetic thought of like, "well, so much for that."

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself thus to be my own self directive principle within these thoughts of myself and my continued self education, direction, expansion, where within the thoughts above I am giving myself as my direction of myself over to the circumstances which have come to pass and my reaction to those circumstances, allowing myself to establish beliefs within my reactions, beliefs by which I will then direct myself, rather than continuing to direct myself within, as, by, and through my breath, in the physical, in self honesty and self responsibility, in honor of myself and all as life.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how the "group," just like all of humanity, is made up of individuals, and the individual direction determines the direction of the "group," just as of humanity, which is what we have been doing here all along, each changing our individual selves so as to contribute to and change the entirety of life. We are the group. We are humanity. I am the group. I am humanity.

So here now I commit myself to letting go of reactions to continue on into the next moment and all moments thereafter. I commit myself to continue to walk moment by moment, breath by breath, in each moment and breath in the physical of the here and now, as one individual for change, continuing my own self education, self direction, and self expansion, continuing in self honesty, self support, and self responsibility, continuing simply because it is what is best for all and I cannot deny that as the epitome of any life's purpose.



Thanks, Bernard. Thanks, every one.

Intent: "I didn't mean to!" - Day 44

But do we really see, realize, & understand our intent?

Creation's Journey to Life recently opened up the point of "INTENT," and this is something that I have been considering recently as well.

A few weeks ago I realized the meaninglessness in "meaning well" when I would see myself justify or excuse my behavior or words by saying "I didn't mean it like that" or "that was not my intention." Often this is in response to discovering that I have moved myself in a way where the result is not "what I intended," which is to simply say the outcome is not something I considered as a potential or probable consequence or outflow. But what I realized is that nonetheless I have moved myself in this way and so my intent was in some form on some level to have that outcome, or to ignore/neglect consideration of the outcome such that I moved myself from an irresponsible self-interested starting point wherein I was inconsiderate of the consequences of my choices. As Bernard has said:

If one then Measures the Practical Application – which is What you Should be Doing because you should be Measuring Exactly What it is that is Actually Being Produced through the Participation of Yourself and Others, and thus How as the World System Everything Functions, then you’ll Notice that All the Intent – and this is All Throughout Human History - has Always come to Nothing, because there is only One Way where One Can Have an Outcome that’s Best and that is to Actually Do it. Any form of Intent has ONLY Ever Been an Excuse.

As we all can see in our interactions it is the outcome of our movements within the physical that actually determines what occurs and what impact is made. We can intend all we want but it is not until we actually DO that we are effecting change within the physical.

So here I can for example become aware that something I have said or done had impacted another person or situation negatively and I can excuse myself by saying "Oh! That was not my intent!" and thus feel better about my participation in the creation of that outcome. And I noticed myself doing this a lot in particular at my old job where there would be times that I had failed to take full responsibility for myself and within that new awareness I would see myself continue to abdicate responsibility by justifying outcomes with my intent. So then here I can also see how this tendency toward excusing myself through intention is linked to a refusal to take responsibility and within that this commonly comes up during the arrival of criticism -- another dimension to explore as I open up more about my defensive personalities.

So within excusing myself through my readily accessible sense of self-intent, and within the realization that self directs self even through and as the personalities/reactions/patterns/memories that I accept and allow within and as myself, I can see then how "intent" is actually always outcome and thus outcome is always intended, even if I want to claim ignorance toward that outcome or intent. I know that I am buried in layers upon layers of what I have accepted and allowed and so the point here is not to place blame or judgment or even to place the expectation that I should suddenly be able to direct myself to intend and produce best-for-all outcomes, but simply to be self-honest and take self-responsibility and within this forgive myself and commit myself to slow down myself to the point of being able to see and consider all consequences and then to release myself from my personalities/reactions/patterns in increasing my accessibility to my SELF in every moment so that I can be aware of intent and I can truly intend and thus move myself toward, within, and as best-for-all outcomes, within this being fully responsible within self-honesty and self-awareness for my intents and outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify and excuse my behavior within the statement "I didn't mean to."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider all dimensions of myself in every moment and when making decisions that require consideration for best-for-all outcomes wherein I allow myself to ignore and remain ignorant to aspects/dimensions of myself that are contributing to and behind my starting-points and thus my intentions to where even if I identify my "intent" as being "good," it is really only "good" for and within my self-interest, and therefore the outcome of my actions within my intent which is my direction of myself will be an outcome based in my self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely ignore parts of myself which are selfish and self-interested, reactionary, greedy, paranoid, etc., to where even though I can see that these dimensions of myself exist and even though I can sense that they are influencing me within my intentions and thus my direction of myself and thus the outcomes that I create in the physical, I suppress them and remain within the thought "I mean well" and "my intentions are good" so as to appease myself and allow myself to knowingly and deliberately self-sabotage and sabotage others through and as my self-interested intentions, directions, and outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist recognition and realization of my outcomes to where when and as I see the outcome of my movements I tell myself or the other person "that was not my intent" as if to say that because my intention was "good" the outcome does not matter, when obviously within reality the only real thing and thus the only thing that matters is in fact the outcome, and so within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my "intent" is worth cultivating and identifying as "good" and "positive" rather than looking instead at the outcome itself and what outcome would be best-for-all and then coming to a common-sensical way to move myself toward that outcome while seeing myself and my personalities/characters/patterns/reactions in self-honesty to reject these dimensions of myself as influential in directing/moving myself toward outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist recognition and realization of my outcomes to where when and as I see that the outcome of my movements I tell myself or the other person "that was not my intent" and within this I abdicate responsibility for myself and for the impact that I make in the world because I am allowing myself to direct myself within and as my pride and my ego to where I am unwilling to allow myself to SEE life for what it is and SEE the physical for what it is and SEE myself for who I am and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and thus the outflow and consequences of who I am and how I behave within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse my outcomes with my intent because within this I am sweeping the consequences of the outcome "under the rug" to where I am not only not looking at myself as director of myself as intent  but am also not looking at the consequences of myself and my outcome and therefore I am NOT LOOKING and am closing my eyes to reality and to suffering and to the problems in this world which I have participated within and as and have created and sustained through my self-directed ignorance toward anything that is unpleasant to see.