Defining Myself in Positive Energy - Day 135

You guys. I'm so amazing.

An interesting thing happens when I try to write about family "issues." First a desire for attention from others which has historically been a point within any sharing of "problems," especially family related, since I have often been so confused within myself about how to identify or define said "problems" and so have wanted to read the definitions of others on their faces or in their reactions / words. But then, as I see myself reel (real) that in and begin to like "gift" that attention to myself, I see another "problem" in terms of the positive energy I can give myself and create by myself, which is still not stability, still not self honest, still not what is best for all. I have not listened to this interview but the description leads me to believe it could be pertinent: A Friend in Mind from the Future of Consciousness series.

One thing that stands out in what I just wrote is wanting to read the definitions of the "problems" in others, and yet when I "gift" this to myself the definition becomes purely a positive energetic charge of how great I am for dealing with such "problems" rather than a practical look at the problem itself and a practical solution. So here I can see that when I sought for others to define and explain what I was experiencing for me, what I often got was either a dismissal or a praise of what I was going through, so a definition really of myself and who I was in that experience. Most often this was some kind of praise or laud for being so "strong," which didn't really clear up any confusion on how to deal, just simply kept me doing whatever it was I was doing, which, over the years, has varied, but has never really served as a real solution, and at times has been quite detrimental / self-abusive.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see the "problems" I have experienced throughout my life for and as exactly what they are in the physical reality as their components, contributors, and consequences, instead seeing them only through and as my mind as my reactions, emotions, confusion, beliefs, and judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe within confused reactions that I am not capable of identifying and defining my own experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to others to show me these definitions, although never really outright asking for a definition or asking for help, but instead painting a picture or telling a story and then judging and perceiving based on what I interpret from the other person's reaction who is hearing my story.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse the reactions I have received regarding who another person believes I am with definitive feedback on the situations or "problems" themselves.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to morph my confusion and desire for feedback / advice / perspective into a desire for praise of who I am within these experiences / who I am within the way I present myself in relation to these experiences.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to elaborate upon my stories of my experiences in such a way that I could manipulate the other person to see me as "strong" and so to tell me I am "strong" or otherwise seem impressed and so to give me that positive energetic charge while at the same time reinforcing my position as a victim who does not deserve such hardship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to assume the victim role rather than seeking out actual practical solutions, so that here I have basically grown out of the situations / problems themselves, and yet am still dealing with and walking through the consequences, many of which I created within my reactions to the problems as delineated above as my participation as victim and exaggeration / seeking out bigger problems so as to receive bigger "support" / attention.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to have ever really supported myself but instead created personalities and characters to deal and cope with the "problems" as familial "issues" that transpired in my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood so that here now I have been left only with these personalities and characters still acting out as me in my daily life as I meet new situations that remind me of these old "problems" and "issues."

I forgive myself therefore that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the "problems" and "issues" within my family during my adolescence through self-abusive behaviors such a self-mutilation and starving myself because I saw these as "solutions" which to me at the time meant in part a way to garner the positive attention of others, to have others pity me, to have others tell me how brave or strong I am, to have others want to save me, and also thus to have the positive attention of myself where, even though I professed to hate myself, I also at the same time pitied myself and believed myself to be brave and strong for living through these trials and for surviving, and I saw myself as a victim, and so I saw myself as my own savior if I was able to survive, imagining into my future when I might have some great story to tell about how I managed through these dark times.

I forgive myself also for accepting and allowing myself to physically abuse myself as a way to gain some kind of control, within this "holding on" to reaction and mind energy, manifested and inflicted then on my body, rather than letting go and seeing and being and breathing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exacerbate pre-existing problems outside of my control by creating new problems for myself that I believed to be within my control, but which quickly took control over me, all because I wanted the problems to be so big that no one could deny them, and yet this never happened, and I continued to not trust myself and to deny myself within this exacerbation and self abuse.

So I forgive myself then also for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from the real "problems" and "issues" at hand within reality, instead creating my own internal realities and also manipulating actual reality through my participation in self-abusive behavior, distracting myself from actual real practical solutions, not supporting myself absolutely, instead sabotaging myself, creating more and greater problems for myself through my reactions, because I was confused as to why what was happening was happening and so I thought that if I could make matters worse maybe it would become clearer to me through the reactions of others that something was really wrong, rather than simply trusting myself as my experience that something was wrong, and then doing whatever I could to support myself through those trials to create something right within and as myself, instead turning to more wrongs within to match the wrongs without.

And along the topic of self injury as reflected upon more recent experiences of the desire to hurt myself:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to self injury as a solution to emotional turmoil and negative energetic experiences, as a quick-fix way of stopping these experiences while at the same time growing them bigger, not supporting myself, in fact physically abusing myself, manifesting and inflicting my mind onto my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to physically punish myself for the thoughts and emotions that I create and allow within my mind, believing this to be the solution. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine hurting myself at some times of emotional turmoil and to imagine this as a relief and as if it would somehow make things better, so in a way carrying out retribution on myself, wanting to punish myself for my wrongs, but here I see this does nothing supportive for change and only makes matters worse.

And:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically want to explain and express the specifics of the "familial issues" that are here in front of me in large part because I want the energetic charge of going into it all and sharing it with others and then seeing their reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the energetic charge that I get from describing the positive ways I have approached a point so as to believe that others will admire me or think I am doing a good job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go into specific details of what is going on so as to garner the attention of others who I believe / project will be like "amazed" that "wow, all of that is going on, and she is sure handling it well."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself also to want to go into specific details about my family as if it absolutely matters and is imperative information for the sharing of what I have discovered through private writings on the subject.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice my own strengths and then to want to basically brag about them, to get others to notice them as well, and then to get the energetic charge of either believing that others admire me or in fact receiving such praise.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing my own admiration of myself as who I am in any given moment to be enough for me.

I see that it can be and in fact is enough, if I let it be enough. I see a stark difference now than even just a few months ago in terms of the desire I have to over-share details in order to gain attention. I see the point is still here, but it is getting smaller.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes or often get overly focused on the details of my own family "issues" or other problems of mine such that I believe they are enormous and like the worst things that could happen to anybody.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes get locked into even the attention I can give myself, even the positive praise that I manufacture within my mind for myself for how strong and stable I am / can be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in the "issues" of my own small life such that I ignore the bigger issues that affect all life, that bring death to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get locked into my own desire for attention either from myself or others such that I become narrow in my vision of what matters, believing that my experiences are greater or more important than the experiences of others, where here I realize that actually despite whatever "problems" exist within my family I am mostly extremely "lucky" in terms of family and EXTREMELY "lucky" in terms of my own position in society / this world system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to create problems within my mind through and as my mind consciousness system based on my own limited experiences and memories and belief systems without regard for what is happening world-wide or even simply just with my neighbor.

I commit myself to standing in stability always in all ways. I commit myself to standing in stability for the sake of all life. I commit myself to acknowledging when I am stable, but to then continue in the next breath within that stability as whatever is here in that breath, rather than remaining stuck in the positive reaction of the attention or praise that I could give myself. I commit myself to doing this because it is what is best for all, and living what is best for all is my goal -- not gaining praise either from myself or others.


Past Pertinent Posts:

• Self Injury PROCESSING
• My Mother, Myself (Part 1) - Day 134