People-Pleaser, Interpretations, and Believing My Energy Protects Me - Day 168

Two things that I noticed when re-reading yesterday's post:

1. How much my "people-pleaser" personality was still in effect as I was trying to figure out "effective and tactful communication" where while, yes, it is important to speak in a way that is easy for others to hear, it is not my responsibility to stop others from reacting -- it is simply the people-pleaser-me that does not want people to react or be upset with me or dislike me. 
• I can't remember whose blog I was reading last night but I'm glad I read it because it helped me realize too that sometimes reaction is exactly what gets people to see themselves. Of course, I can't orchestrate and control all of this, and I think the most self-responsible and effective way to communicate is still to avoid easily predictable and avoidable reactions (within reason), since I can't make a person look at themselves through their reaction (we all know all too well how easy it is to only look at and blame others when we are reacting, even while we are walking process, let alone before walking process). I mean it is clearly ineffective to send coworkers into an easily predictable reaction by stating things that I know they will disagree with or personalize in reference to their own work performance when I could be more tactful about this and speak it in a way that they can hear and reflect on instead of react. I can do this better and better as I become more and more stable in myself and more in each present moment in each breath to be able to consider the consequences and outflows of how I direct myself through my words. 
2. How I really just took my interpretation of that situation and ran with it. I had great success in stopping myself from going into a huge reaction about my interpretation, but the interpretation itself remained, and is still pure conjecture based on my own fears and also past experiences with these people and what I know or speculate about these people. 
• This is actually the same thing that I did a couple days ago too when I ended up crying at work because of an interaction that I interpreted to mean something when I didn't have all the facts. When I got more facts, it appeared as if I interpreted quite inaccurately, and yet I still held onto the energy which then contributed to informing this new interpretation. 
• What I notice with this also is how even when I am able to realize that I don't have all the information and that reality might be different than the story in my head, nonetheless I still hold onto my interpretation like as if that is more real than reality because it is what I am experiencing.
• So then my mind overrides reality and becomes my reality and suddenly I am not living in real actual reality anymore. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even in a moment of trying to support myself, allow my people pleaser personality to shine through and direct me because I am so averse to the idea of another person reacting to me or being upset at me or not liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place others liking me above me expressing myself in self honesty and as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blur the boundary between effective and tactful communication, and "not stepping on toes" or "walking on eggshells" wherein I have wanted to avoid conflict, reaction, or giving other people any reason at all to dislike me.

I realize people could identify any reason at all to dislike me and the only way that anyone could not dislike me is if I didn't exist. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into and resort to a serious depression through and as my people pleaser personality because I believe that it would be better if I didn't exist because at least then nobody would dislike me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it would be better if I didn't exist because at least then nobody would dislike me, and also at least then I wouldn't have to deal with this fear and worry and anxiety. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place pressure on myself to please and satisfy everyone around me in all ways always because this is simply not possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to do the impossible, which is not self supportive and also not supportive of others and so is nowhere near what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from any indication that another person might not like me because I have never assisted and supported myself to remain stable even within this realization and instead become either defensive or self-defeating. 

When and as I see myself hating the idea that another person might not like me and thinking it would therefore be better if I just didn't exist or if I had done something differently, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that I do exist and that I am in the process of purifying myself to be the self directive principle of myself at all times and to behave in a way that is best for all in all ways always. I realize that other people are going to react to me because they have their own extensive collections of personalities, memories, and contingencies by which they limit themselves in their living in self-honesty, just as I have done and am ridding myself of now. I commit myself to these realizations and to continuing to investigate the people pleaser personality to see how I sabotage and abuse myself through this expectation of myself, how this damages my relationships, and how it damages my relationship with myself by sending myself into a devaluation of myself and diminishes my self worth and sends me to depression in wishing I did not exist or it would be better if I did not exist, triggering these kinds of self-beliefs. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my immediate interpretation of a situation or interaction and just run with it as if it is reality, "running with it" by directing myself through and as that interpretation rather than through and as the physical as reality as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my initial interpretation of something or whatever worst case scenario interpretation I can imagine as a way to punish myself and keep myself "in check" to suggest to and convince myself that perhaps it would be better if I did not exist because here I keep on running into these worst case scenario situations, but these situations are only within and as my mind because I do not have all of the details when I make my interpretations and even if my interpretations are accurate it is through my people pleaser personality that I end up reacting so severely to that interpretation so that even if I do make a mistake, I am not allowed to see it as just a miss-take, instead it is me and who I am immutably. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see my mistakes as miss-takes and to learn from them, instead attaching myself to the mistake as evidence of who I am and holding onto my internal reaction and internal self-deprecation as the self-talk by which I inform myself of who I am, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is not who I am it is simply a thing that happened and then I interpreted the worst perception I could think of as reality. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to the worst case scenario that I can imagine and use this as my interpretation to the exclusion of any other possible interpretations and then within this to believe that the other people involved are like "perpetrators" in this scenario because in my interpretation of the scenario I am finding ways to convince myself that I am somehow "bad" due to how other people treat me or act around me and then in order to not feel "bad" anymore I project blame and just do a polarity dance where first I feel inferior and bad and then I feel superior and like a self-righteous victim and then the other person becomes "bad" in my mind and this informs future interactions with them which simply perpetuates the cycle of them probably not liking me very much and then treating me poorly etc. etc. etc. 

I realize not everyone is going to like me. I realize sometimes my interpretations are accurate. But I also realize that my emotions and memories inform my interpretations heavily and so:

When and as I see myself interpreting an interaction in such a way that suggests that another person is taking something out on me personally or does not like me, I stop, and I breathe. I first look at my energy and if I am already stressed, frustrated, anxious, depressed, angry, etc. Am I even stable enough to have an accurate interpretation? I then look at the information: Do I have the information I need to make an informed interpretation, or am I informing my interpretation through and as my mind and energy? I then look at my interpretation: What other interpretations are possible based on the information I am missing? I then look at myself: Is there anything in this situation or scenario or point that I need to investigate in myself in how I could be a better self directive principle of myself to support myself to behave in self honesty as what is best for all? How can I move forward now in a way that is best for all? 

I commit myself to authorize myself to walk through
and past the road blocks that I create in my mind
through my fears of my own reactions.

I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck on the point of fear at the suggestion, for example, of going to the person who left the room and saying, "I noticed that you left the room right after I said x, I was just wondering if that offended you somehow?" (or something to that effect). I realize that this is a form of direct communication that, yes, could lead to conflict, or could not, but that would clarify the point for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this because I fear mostly my memories of engaging in conflict and my memories of hearing criticism and I fear my own reactions to what it would be like to hear criticism or have confirmation that another person is frustrated with me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my physical reactions as well where I expect and fear that I will shake or that my voice will shake or that my stomach will tumble and turn or my heart will race. This might happen, but it will decrease as I face it and direct it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use all of these as great big road blocks that say "no entrance" so that I have not even accepted or allowed myself to try, or even explore in consideration what the potential outflows and consequences could be, or explore how I could make that kind of conversation more comfortable or supportive for myself, basically how I could assist and support myself to engage in that kind of conversation because sometimes that kind of conversation is necessary and will assist and support both parties to come to an understanding.

I realize I am the authority of myself and I have self directive principle over my own energetic reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my interpretation and my energy over a situation and hold onto it so that if when and as I think about the possibility of getting clarification, I also hit a road block of my ego of not wanting to let go of my interpretation and not wanting to have my interpretation change because then it's as if all of this energy was for nothing and my mind does not want me to realize that this energy is for nothing and does not support me, my mind wants me to believe that my energy protects me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my energy protects me from harm or danger. I realize that my energy limits me extensively. I realize that using my energy as a protective force is accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and as my energy. I realize that my energy is not based in reality and instead based in my mind as a reaction to my memories, beliefs, systems, judgments, etc. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and be convinced that my energy somehow protects me. I commit myself to exploring and investigating this aspect of my relationship to myself as energy so that I can release myself from this belief and free myself to be the self directive principle of myself. 

I commit myself also to continue in vigilant self-awareness so that I can see myself as I begin to react and as I begin to engage within and as and feed energy so that I can stop myself, breathe, and assist and support myself back to stability or an approximation thereof.