Boundaries and Control - Day 164

Last night I had a dream wherein I somehow came to reconcile with an old friend from college. I guess this was one of my first really big friendship grudges. There were others, but this one was big.

The dream was quite a few hours ago and I don't remember a lot of it now, but I remember that when I woke up right after, I knew I was telling myself something.

I remember that within the dream, although this person and I reconciled, I was placing clear boundaries for myself in the relationship. Basically, okay, we're not "enemies." But I don't know if we're really close friends either. I didn't want that. Actually I think within the dream it had to do with "we can be friends again, but I don't want to live together again" (we had been roommates in the dorms).

And then I think at some point in the dream I came home, which I guess was also her home at that point, and she was doing something that I didn't like, and then in the dream I stopped and realized that this is also her home, and she can do whatever she wants here.

I guess part of what this dream brings forth in what I can remember of it is: boundaries and control.

Without proper boundaries, I feel very out of control and then try to assert control through my emotions and reactions.

With having placed the boundary in the dream (a little confusing to think back on it because the dream is so fuzzy to me now), I was able to let go of the need for control over another person and simply have control over myself. I was able to realize that in a situation where I didn't like something, I am the subject and the doer in that sentence, so I am the person that I need to deal with to resolve that issue.

Boundaries is something I've been grappling with for a few weeks or months now. I've only recently begun to understand them and understand how I can support myself within them. Basically my perspective is that a boundary is an agreement with myself. That's all, plain and simple.

Control is something that I've been realizing I only have if I am not trying to control something outside of myself. The moment I try to control something outside of myself is the moment I lose all control, which of course perpetuates the experience of trying to gain control of my environment if I have not yet realized that the only thing I can control is myself. Trying to control is to be out of control. Actual control is to just be with what is, within the boundaries as agreements that I set for myself in self support and self responsibility.

So I see how these are two key features of all my failed relationships with others and failure to sustain a trusting loving relationship with myself.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to set healthy boundaries for myself within friendships and relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me in such a way that is detrimental to the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also react to the things that other people choose to do that do affect me in such a way that is detrimental and ineffective, making the other person feel like I am limiting them and like I am manipulating them because that is the reaction I am having within my sense of being out of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when things that I cannot control happen.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize healthy ways to communicate my needs so that other people can potentially make choices that will serve as a compromise and agreement for both of us within a shared living space or within a friendship or relationship (example: instead of sitting up in bed and making some snarky comment about how I'm trying to sleep, I could have had a calm and collected conversation with my roommate about please not having sex with her 2nd boyfriend that her 1st boyfriend doesn't know about while I am in the room).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my emotional reactions as manipulation to try and control other people because this was the only tool I learned how to use in many instances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to and try to control other people in ways that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when other people are simply living their lives the way that they want to.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place boundaries for myself when I see that the things I cannot control are not things that I want to accept or allow myself to be around or impose upon myself (example: instead of staying in a harmful friendship too long, I can first communicate why I dislike the way another person treats me and then, if it does not change, go elsewhere, rather than holding onto that friendship as a confirmation of my belief that it is what I am worth and that the only way to prove to myself that I am more valuable is to stick it out in the hopes that I can change this person or convince them to treat me better).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self worth and my quality of life outside myself into the hands of others so that because of this I have felt like their choices, actions, behaviors, etc., are direct reflections of who I am, and so therefore I want to control them to create a picture of myself that I can live with through others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself and others as life through this dynamic such that then if the other person does not bend at my will and be "a good friend" to me, I am able to then create a superiority complex for myself while at the same time continuing to live under the premise that who they are is a reflection of me, so that within myself I feel both superior and better-than and also inferior and worthless.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand how what these other people have reflected to me in these instances is my self imposed need for control which is in fact unnecessary, within this showing me how I have not taken responsibility for myself in having control over myself and in making choices and decisions for myself to support myself, instead depending on others to stay within some kind of undefined imaginary boundary that I am not even fully aware of, let alone them. Also how I have not been a good friend to myself or to others, how I have not created boundaries for myself to assist and support myself in choosing healthy friendships and how I have not accepted myself as who I am, instead needing others to show me who I am through who they are through again my perception of them, a perception which is sick and toxic because I have not been self honest, self responsible, or self supportive.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place healthy boundaries for myself of how I will respond in any given situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful situations for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful friendships for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold out and hold onto the hope that another person might be able to change and be the person I wanted them to be.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to accept other people for exactly who they are, and then direct myself accordingly, according to who I am and what I need in self support, instead trying to change other people to meet my needs for support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unclear and unmarked boundaries so that really the only boundary that has been in place has been my reactive emotions which of course is not consistent and is pretty nonsensical within the physical because my reactive emotions are based on all my many memories and beliefs and other internal mind things that other people do not share with me because they do not share my specific experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within this often make many friendships all about me in some ways because here I am delineating the appearance of the relationship based on my shit that I carry around as memories and reactions and beliefs.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and realize what is mine and what is another's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to take care of what is another person's business, leaving my own business to rot or fester or grow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am so worthless and so untrustworthy and to doubt myself so much that if, when, and as I see a boundary that needs to be set, I feel like I have to justify it or explain it with emotional reactivity or some kind of impending danger rather than simply seeing, realizing, and understanding that this boundary is what is best for me and letting that be enough.



I commit myself to continue to look at boundaries and setting clear boundaries for myself, which, depending on different factors, may be malleable within a moment of experience in the physical in practical consideration of what is best (so, not setting rigid rules).

I commit myself to continue to look at how I use my emotions, especially anger, to try and control outcomes.

I commit myself also to looking at how I use my emotions to justify my boundaries when really all I need is to set a boundary for myself and live by it. I do not have to explain myself; the boundary is mine.

Analyzing My Dog's Eating Behavior, and My Reactions - Day 157

Hazel basil!

Tonight I want to write about my dog. I was inspired to finally do this after reading this post, because my dog is getting older every day (she is 9, nearing 10), I do not want for her to pass away, and I realize that I care more about her in my imagination of her passing than I do in her actual presence here with me, alive.

In the past I have begun to write about my dog because I have struggled to understand her eating behavior, and I have wanted to figure out what's going on with her relationship to food and how I can support her. 

I've begun to write, and then seen the obvious, and then scratched writing because I felt I already knew what to do (well, that is not the whole truth; I will get to that). The main thing I thought I should do is return to regularly scheduled feeding times, as that is how her eating was when I first got her (when she was already 5 years old), but eventually transformed into irregular feeding / keeping her bowl full for the most part. She seems to get anxious about food this way, and seems to stand and stare at a full bowl and whine at me, sometimes until I coax her to eat her food / give her permission, and sometimes she will not eat until I am also eating something (this I sometimes see as neat because sometimes I am delaying eating and am hungry and am risking a migraine, and she whines at me like as if to remind me that it is important to eat; but maybe that is just my imagination!). 

Sometimes she will go a day or two without touching her food, although lately, since I have begun to feed her more consistently every morning and every evening (would I previously go a day or two without giving her food...? I don't think that long, but perhaps I was not consistent enough for her to trust that she would be fed!), she seems to eat at least one serving (bowl) per day. Some days I come home from work and she still has not touched the food from that morning. Some mornings I wake up and she has not touched the food from the previous night. 

I don't know what happened with her previous owner. Although she was never without a sheltered space to live and someone who I assume fed her, she was basically abandoned, so I don't have a lot of information about her life before I met her. 

Truthfully though, my primary aim in trying to figure out her eating behavior has not been to support her. Primarily I have reached the point of figuring this out not out of curiosity or a desire to make her life the best quality I can provide. Instead I have in the past come to the point of figuring this out because I get so frustrated by her whining. Because I am more interested in doing whatever it is that I am doing, as if it is so important, indeed more important than this other life to whom I am the sole provider of care and who depends and relies on me for her livelihood, entertainment, protection, understanding, etc.  

So self-judgment on that point has been part of why I have stopped myself from actually figuring it out and making practical commitment / solutions to try. Instead I shut myself up in shame / guilt and a belief that I am a terrible person / pet owner. 

I have kind of tried to implement one basic change that I discovered through my preliminary writing, which is to return to a more regular feeding schedule. She seems to do better with regular feeding. However she still treats her food with mostly a seeming disdain, until I add fish oil capsules or some coconut oil, or scraps from my own meals. 

When I first took her into my care, she was eating Iams, which I have heard, although I've not researched for myself, is filled with things that are rather bad for dogs; maybe even roadkill. I think that I bought one large bag of some fancy kibble from some specialty pet store, then switched her over to raw food. I had met a dog a few months prior who was on a raw (homemade) diet and its fur was extremely soft; I couldn't believe how soft. So I wanted my dog's fur to be this soft. Interesting to recall this now, since her fur is actually why I started writing this particular post. Now in reflecting I see that this dog's fur was very much a different texture and length and style from my dog's fur. I thought that raw food would like magically make her fur soft and fluffy and light, but her fur is naturally straight and coarse. It's kind of medium in length, but sticks relatively close to her body. Labrador fur, basically, and australian cattle dog -- the two breeds I was told she's a mixture of. 

She was on raw (store-bought) food for quite a few months and she was voracious about her meals during that time. I purchased raw food patties, basically, and also turkey necks (which she preferred to traipse off with into corners of the house to enjoy by herself, but due to the mess factor I could not allow this), which I kept frozen, then thawed, then gave to her. She would generally consume her meals during this time in literally under 5 seconds. The whole thing was quite an ordeal that involved a lot of scheduling and cleaning. It was also extremely expensive, so much so that I was not really able to feed her quite enough (although as far as I know, dogs who eat enough raw food are still rather skinny, as was the one with soft fur that I first met). So, eventually I switched her back to kibble.

I don't know a lot about dog kibble beyond what the employees at the fancy specialty pet stores tell me. I've had her on at least 3 different highly recommended kibbles. Whenever we first make a change, she is usually excited and eager for about the first week, if that. However, every time, she eventually treats her food with somewhat of a disdain again. Leaving the dish full, avoiding it, just looking at it or ignoring it. 

Some other points to mention include a behavior she has toward her dish that she has displayed ever since we first moved to Denver (I don't recall her doing this in Seattle... I believe I had her on a timed feeding schedule for all of our time there, so perhaps it is part of this food anxiety from the change in feeding schedule that promotes this behavior?). She will nudge her food dish around with her nose, often ending up with the dish pushed under a shelf or otherwise inaccessible, or with the dish knocked upside down, often covering the food, so that in these instances her food becomes inaccessible to her and as far as I can tell she has eaten none. (hmmm, like burying her food??) She used to pretty much only do this while I was away at work, and I would also come home to find items (such as socks) that I had left on the floor put into her water dish (these I believe she was trying to nudge over her food dish, but her water dish at the time was positioned right next to it in a kind of wrought iron holder). This is unusual, but most alarming to me is that this has often resulted in her creating a little open wound on the tip of her nose which bleeds and scabs over. I don't suppose she's actually trying to hurt herself, but it bothers me that this is the result, perhaps in part because of my own history of intentionally hurting myself, and also seeing for example incidents wherein children have inadvertently hurt themselves due to engaging in maladaptive coping behaviors. 

Okay, so she is probably not trying to injure herself. She is probably, most apparently, trying to bury her food. Save it for later? Again this points to not trusting that she will be fed regularly -- so to go back to a strict timed feeding schedule. 

Another point to mention is that it seems that no matter what kibble I give to her, she eats dog poop at the park, and with the kibble she currently eats, she is also a voracious grass eater, every day, most opportunities she can get (so, I don't think it's that she's sick, because she very rarely throws it up). Recently she has also started to eat dirt, although it's not just any dirt, it seems like she'll find a spot she likes and come back to it -- so perhaps there is something else in that spot that I am unaware of. Some people I have talked to suggest that this might mean she is missing nutrients in her regular food, but this is frustrating to me since I buy her very expensive and highly recommended food. I suppose I need to learn more about what exactly is in it, and what exactly she might need. 

She also will eat any food trash she can access, and I have always had to use a baby gate or somehow otherwise make the trash inaccessible. This might again point to a lack of nutrients. It could also indicate that she is very bored with the taste and/or texture of her kibble, which could be the consequence of having been "spoiled" with raw food. It could also say something about her food-related anxiety, like that she will eat whatever she can get, except the food that is actually given to her, which she seems to either reject as worthless, or set aside for later as very valuable... How to tell which, I'm not sure. 

One thing I see repeatedly here is that I am frustrated by her behavior, when her behavior is most likely an indication that she is probably very frustrated herself. 

And so then that leads me to why I really started this post, which is her skin / fur. Part of why I choose to buy her such expensive food is because every pet store employee I talk to tells me that this or that kibble should be good for her fur, and make it soft. 

She has very bad dandruff. Usually even just 2 or 3 days after a bath, her fur is oily and/or dry and flaky. She also absolutely loves rolling in grass, although one person pointed out that she might actually be allergic to grass and this act of herself trying to scratch her own back might actually be making her condition worse. Or, she might have some other kind of allergy about which I am unaware.

(It has been presumed by many that she has an allergy because she is basically bald around her eyes. But, in the almost 5 years that I've known her and the variety of different foods she has eaten, this has never really changed.)

The main point for me here is that I do not like to pet, scratch, or even really touch her once her fur gets to a certain degree of being dirty, which happens quickly. So now I have a dog living under my care who does not like to eat the food I give her, and whom I do not touch as much as she would obviously like and deserves. 

The interesting thing here is that when I first got her, she was very very very un-trusting of me, and did not really let me touch her hardly at all, as much as I wanted to. So I took a long time gaining her trust, only to now be abusing it because I know that she loves me and needs me and wants my attention, and yet I do not give it to her because of details she cannot control -- details which in fact probably bother her a lot more than they bother me, because it is obvious that her skin is very uncomfortable and itchy for her. 

Here at least is a nice example of a time that we
learned and were challenged together to conquer
an apparent fear of swimming with a blatant
love of squeaky tennis balls. :)

(And here I could go off into a tangent about the quality of my relationship with her in general, what it is like for us to exist together in this home, and how it is unsatisfactory and really not acceptable that we are not more of a "team" so to speak, for lack of my own participation in creating / sustaining that kind of relationship.) 

Presently I try to give her a bath about every 2-3 weeks, although tomorrow I am planning to give her another one after only 1 week having passed because her fur is so dry and itchy. I have a "medicated" shampoo that has green tea and tea tree oil in it, but it does not have oatmeal which is one of the #1 things I have heard recommended (and which when I have used in the past has worked well), so I will have to also purchase some of that kind of shampoo and maybe switch back and forth. 

I also have to continue to stick to a routine feeding schedule, and I should probably also go back to having her sit and wait before releasing her to eat as this is what she was used to from when I fed her raw food and had her on a timed eating schedule, and is perhaps why she sometimes just stands there and whines at me until I encourage / coax her to eat. 

I can also investigate food ingredients and nutritional needs and see what other foods I might try. I can also continue to supplement her food with tasty treats that will entice her to eat the entire dish. 

I can rule out that the kibble is too hard, as compared to raw food, because she is a lover of bones and spends the majority of her day gnawing at them, so I am certain that her teeth are quite strong, but perhaps there is another point to look at in that realm, I do not know. 

I can be sure to brush her regularly too so as to release shedded hair so that it does not add to her itchiness (or my floor!). 

I can also suck it up and give my dog some physical attention multiple times throughout the day, and just wash my hands after since they become so dusty and dirty from touching her even less than a week after her last bath. 

I also really need to be on top of getting her nails trimmed regularly, which I have already determined will happen every other Monday morning, because I see that when they get too long her nails begin to bend toward or away from each other, which invariably affects her toes and joints and I have heard that this is how dogs get arthritis, among other avenues. 

I can also take her on more and longer walks, and we can also go running again like we did for a short while months ago. 

I can also be more observant and make greater efforts to understand her, rather than just becoming frustrated by her whining and other "strange" behaviors, because these behaviors do communicate something if I am willing to listen. 

I mean honestly at this rate I am not an appropriate person to care for a dog, but I see how I can do better, and so I will, because she deserves the best as life. 

So my action plan is as follows, I commit myself to:

1. Possibly purchase a different food dish that will be harder to nudge around or flip over due to structure and the rubber ring around the bottom. 
2. Return to a timed feeding schedule within an hour frame, taking into consideration my own eating times and when I am most consistently home at that time each day out of the week. 
• Including having her sit and wait until she is released -- I hear dogs like structure like this. 
• What to do if I feed her in the morning and come home and the dish is still full...? Should I remove the dish after x amount of time (before I leave for work) even if she has not touched the food...? This would probably only be an issue for a week or two if I do that, and then she might learn that it is time to eat when I give her food. 
3. Investigate different food options / a variety of food options.
• Within this, investigate nutrients and what she might need that she might not be getting.
• Continue to cook for myself and reserve scraps for her ***to give during timed feeding (rather than just as I am cooking / cleaning up / done eating)*** so that she has greater variety 
• Or, should I do none of this at all...? 
• One person suggested that I feed her pulp from my juicer, if/when I ever start actually using my juicer (haha). 
• Investigate how to make her food -- like the person who fed their dog raw homemade food. 
• Supplement her food with various basic "human" food options, or invest in wet dog food / canned raw food to add to her kibble
4. Bathe her frequently
• Try some different shampoos to see what works best
• Try my neighbor's suggestion to bathe her 3 days in a row to see if this will help any (boy she'll love that haha). 
5. Per the suggestion of a fellow dog-park-er, each day rub her down with a damp cloth to remove any pollen or other possible allergy irritants (also dirt, dandruff, excess fur, etc.). 
6. Brush her frequently
7. Wash/replace the blankets in her crate where she sleeps (probably lots of oil and dirt etc. in there that contributes to her fur / skin getting dirty faster)
8. Give her lots of love in the form of scratches, pets, cuddles, and words / sounds. 
9. Give her lots of love in the form of longer walks, runs, or playing fetch. 
10. No longer accept or allow myself to think of myself first when she is communicating to me about her needs. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when my dog whines at me or seems to want my attention for any reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed of that to the point where I not only have not wanted to write about it / share it here, but have even ignored it as true in myself by not changing myself and my relationship with her. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the needs of this animal that is under my care, who needs me and relies and depends on me, who I abuse and neglect by not giving her everything I can give to her, especially that which she cannot give to herself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about ignoring my dog and basically understand this as the reason that she does not seem as affectionate as some dogs, or as affectionate with me as she is toward some people who do not seem to mind the way her fur is. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to understand that and see that something needs to change in myself and the way that I care for her, but for having not really done this as best I can, so that nothing changes and instead we are like "just two roommates sharing a space," but this is not best for either of us. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to use the action of giving to my dog as an opportunity to also give to myself, giving myself a relationship and companionship with this animal and the opportunity to see myself through and as this animal and our relationship. I do see myself through our relationship, and I do not like what I see. So now I change. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care more about my own frustration as a reaction to my dog's behavior than I do about the fact that my dog's behavior clearly indicates that she herself is very frustrated, in ways that I can assist and support her to resolve. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fully assist and support my dog to have a wonderful quality life because I am too busy either being frustrated or guilty or ashamed. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes imagine "what if" my dog died or got very sick and then died or died suddenly, how sad and upset I would be, and realizing in this imagination that I would regret the way our relationship was, and yet not do anything to change our relationship within that realization. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until death to resolve my inner battles. I saw this also in my last post: "No one close to me has ever died. The few people who have died, I wasn't that close to, and certainly after they died I told myself we weren't really that close at all anyway. I mean in part this is relevant to my inability to connect with other people on an intimate level of really feeling connected in such a way that I can't just basically flip a switch and suppress any negative reactions I might have over their death (and yet look what happens if someone betrays me or hurts me in some way, how interesting)." where I saw that in life I remain in battle with myself about another, but in death I finally let go. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until death occurs to face myself and forgive myself for who I am and have been, and realize that I never really needed to forgive another, that they are gone and I am still here with myself and the consequences of myself, so now that they are gone I can let that go, rather than letting it go unconditionally and changing now. 

I haven't experienced that, actually. That is speculation on my part. But I haven't not imagined my dad's death, for example, or even catastrophic "what ifs" about others, and in that imagination realized (or at least believed) that it would be very easy at that point to forgive and to let go of the energy. So why not now? It's an interesting point to look at, but quite separate from this post. 

Okay, that will do.... 

I've been feeling "out of it" in a way for the last few days, so even though there is much else going on, I determined that this was something I could write out in a productive way, whereas other points I am more just trying to live out right now. 

Unconditional Self-Acceptance & Self-Support - Day 154

Self-forgiveness for yesterday's post: Defining Undefined Lines - Day 153

First of all, I see that I still am in judgment of another / others. I still believe that another / others "need to be fixed" or "see things my way," that if another / others saw things "my way" they would be "fixed."

So I have to continue to watch myself in that, and let that go. I mean I don't have the answers. I don't know. I might have some suggestions, but I don't get to control outcomes. This whole dynamic is one of separation, superiority, and self-righteousness. It's not supportive. I mean we've all got lessons to learn and points to walk, but that is for each individual, and the way that I support the group, the whole, the all, is by walking my process absolutely. It's not that I can't give suggestions, it's just that I see I'm not stable enough right now to do so.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have "the answer(s)" for another person. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this belief to put myself in a position of also believing I am somehow superior, the other inferior, and within this creating separation within myself and between myself and another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that if another person saw things the way I see things, things would suddenly somehow be better, because I realize that actually with the energy I have been existing in, it really doesn't matter what the other does -- I find a reason to be mad. I realize also that it is ridiculous to be mad at someone for having not yet learned something. You don't get mad at a toddler who doesn't yet know how to walk or talk. You don't get mad at an elementary-age student who doesn't yet understand how to multiply. You don't get mad at someone who has never driven a car for not knowing how to drive a car. We all learn different things at different times. There is much I do not understand, and no one has gotten mad at me for it (although sometimes I imagine harsh judgment / critique, but this is only because this is how I exist in my energy toward myself and others). So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck and "hung up" on my perception that I understand something that another does not understand. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want this other person to somehow understand this, whether by themselves or by me telling them, because within this I am not understanding the process of learning; within this I am not understanding that in order for this person to understand, they have to learn, they cannot just be told, it cannot simply be pointed out. So whatever efforts I have made to "support" another person in understanding, they have not been effective because I have not been patient, and I have not been absolutely unconditionally supportive, but instead have been more invested / interested in my own ego fix of believing I have fixed another, within this believing I somehow have the answers.

So when and as I see myself stuck on an energy that I know or understand something more or better than another and believing that the other should see things the way I see them, I stop and I breathe. I first examine the point and see if I really do understand. Do I have all the necessary information to understand? What have I learned about that point through my own living? Why do I have this invested energy in the other person understanding? Then if I want to try to "support" the other person with "understanding," I simply share my perspective. Take it or leave it. I investigate the best way to actually support another person effectively, rather than just asserting / inserting myself into the situation, trying to manipulate a specific outcome without tact or strategy or effectiveness, ie without equal and one support.

And I commit myself to abandon my personal investment in what another says, does, or seems to understand. I commit myself to unconditional and absolute self support so that, if what another says, does, or seems to understand creates conflict or friction for me, I am able to stand stable and see / realize / understand that this is showing me where this person is, and my reaction shows me where I am. Then I see the point I have to walk, within my reaction, and I walk it. I do not point fingers, and I do not hold onto the desire to walk another's point for them, to "make them understand."

I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and critique myself harshly, also projecting this judgment and criticism outward onto others and as sourced by others. I commit myself to continuing to learn patience, grace, and compassion for myself and others, because it is this energy of judgment that is keeping me stuck in energies such as anger, resentment, and blame.

-----------------

Now here is just the beginning of self-forgiveness for points found in the previous post:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful situations for too long. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recognize abuse or harm or dissatisfaction and then to reject or dismiss it, within this rejecting, dismissing, denying, and disowning myself: self-abuse. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through what I accept and allow in my interactions / relationships with other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am somehow wrong or in the wrong if I see or recognize something that is harmful, abusive, or unsatisfactory in interactions / a relationship.

When and as I see myself seeing something that is harmful, abusive, or unsatisfactory in interactions / a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I commit myself to examine and investigate what it is that I am perceiving as harmful, abusive, or unsatisfactory. I commit myself to supporting myself to find stability in myself in my breath and in the physical, realizing that any energetic "harm" I am experiencing is a creation of my mind and is not really here in reality. I commit myself to the realization that abuse of me comes only through what I accept and allow. I commit myself to find stability and realize that the behavior of another shows me who another is. I commit myself to adjust and adapt to what I learn about another through their explicit and implicit behaviors. I commit myself to find balance and middle ground within adjustment and adaptation so that I do not create and enter into another false dilemma of "wall or nothing" wherein I either run away / shut out, or accept and allow anything and everything, including my own abuse. I commit myself to continue to learn about boundaries so that I can support myself in this process, in seeing that I have more than 2 options in how to proceed when and as I see something that is harmful, abusive, or unsatisfactory in interactions / a relationship.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have another person fix or save me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix or save another person. I see that I perceive that I would have a strong connection and admiration with a person who could fix me, that I would within that be able to believe that they genuinely care about me, and I "need" them, and maybe that would be something like "love." So I see that in wanting to fix another, I want another to feel a strong connection and admiration toward me. I want to be needed, and to need, because this feels safe and secure and like the other person might never leave, and if they did, then maybe I would be justified and validated in hurting -- justification and validation that I had never or not often received or given to myself previously in the various abuses I have faced.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to need another, and for accepting and allowing myself to want to be needed by another. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to need myself, to realize that I am here to support myself, instead I have been here always with myself and at almost every opportunity I have rejected myself as not good enough to support myself, not good enough to need, not good enough to fix or save myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself as not good enough, or to see my own saving as not worthwhile if there is no one here to show me or tell me they care. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see that caring about myself is more than enough, it is everything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself my own life, which I can give myself through accepting myself and supporting myself unconditionally and taking absolute responsibility for myself. I commit myself to continue to learn how to do this, to be my own advocate and my own accountability.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the credit or satisfaction of being a pivotal or integral part of another person changing and bettering themselves. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be changed or bettered by another person. I commit myself to allowing each individual to walk their process, since that is all they can do, and since I cannot do that for them. I realize that even if I was / am the sole catalyst and "teacher" of another person learning a certain point, it is still they who learned it. I realize learning cannot be given or forced, but it is a purely self-movement-process. So within this I commit myself to walking my process absolutely, since that is all I can do, and supporting myself to learn as much as I can, supporting myself to take in whatever stimuli for learning I have around me and to examine and investigate for myself how I can change myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest in my relationships / friendships such that my starting point has been one of judgment and ambivalence and separation, so that the way I live and behave is not in alignment with what I am thinking or believing, and neither is in alignment with myself in self honesty as what is best for all. I commit myself to working toward aligning all of this as myself, presenting myself through my behavior and living in self honesty, with self honesty as my starting point, aligning myself with who I am in self honesty. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another while at the same time pretending to be their friend. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another while at the same time not looking at myself and who I am within that judgment.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that maybe this person will see things my way someday, because within this I realize that I am still positioning myself as "right" and as in separation from the other person as well as myself. I commit myself to returning all points to myself, as I stated above, to seeing who I am within my reactions and judgments and to seeing that here I have points I myself must walk, so I really don't have time or space to try and tell another person how they should walk or who they should be.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix or change another person because I believe that I will somehow reap the benefits of that, that I will somehow be seen as indispensable to that person so that if / when / as they change, I will get to continue to be in their life, and I will get to then have a person in my life who is the way I want them to be, and I will also get to have the satisfaction of saying that I played some role in them becoming that way. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be indispensable to myself, I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be the way I want me to be, and I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take pride and trust in knowing that I played absolute role in creating myself as who I am. I commit myself to continuing to realize who I am to myself, as in my value to myself, and to accepting and supporting myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be satisfied and content with the only thing I really can have: a healthy relationship with myself as a person who is self-aware and has integrity. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see myself as enough. I commit myself to accepting and supporting myself unconditionally.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in relationships in such a way where I perceive that there are parts of me over there, and parts of another here with me, and that within this we are inseparable, and yet within this we are in pieces, I have separated myself by giving myself to another rather than giving myself the gift of life, and I have taken from another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this because as a result I feel resentment and hurt and betrayed if / when the relationship takes a turn for the worse. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot be "happy" "whole" or "complete" without relationships with others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some thing I have never really had or experienced is "the answer," not realizing that I am the answer, and I am right here, so the answer is right here as me as unconditional self acceptance and self support. I commit myself to accepting and supporting myself unconditionally.

I commit myself to the realization that my perception of this separation and transference of parts is not real, it is only the system in which I have operated. In reality, I am here in my totality, equal to and one with all as life, if only I can live that way.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and exist in a false dilemma dynamic with response options to conflict or other stimuli in relationships / interactions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically do nothing until a threshold is reached, at which point I finally react strongly. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to have healthy boundaries to support myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be abusive of myself and abusive of others through my participation in this false dilemma perception and being dishonest in my behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be complacent and to settle for mistreatment from another as if there is nothing I can do about it, I'll just have to deal with it, and clearly it's all I'm worth since it's all I'm getting. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my self worth is measured by how others treat me. I realize my self worth is measured by how I treat myself, and if I do not stand up for myself in self support, in creating and living by boundaries of what I will or will not accept or allow, then I am not treating myself as what I am worth as life. I commit myself to realizing my self worth as life and respecting myself as life and accepting and supporting myself unconditionally.

I realize when I do this for myself, I will be better able and prepared to do this for others.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to accept a person for who they are. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in judgment of another and of myself, so that neither is ever "good enough" except when I immortalize another, at which point I believe they are absolutely perfect and I am still nowhere near good enough. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these idea-listic relationships with others that are not realistic or based in reality, but instead based in judgment, opinion, and energy. I commit myself to recognizing when I see myself judging anyone or myself, whether positively or negatively, or even neutrally. I commit myself to investigating that and learning to accept myself and others unconditionally as life, one and equal.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically make a hole as an expectation and then try to mold and manipulate another person to fit that hole, whether through actual manipulation within the physical manifestation of the relationship, or through manipulation and self-deception within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change the shape of another. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to focus on myself and changing or accepting or seeing my own shape.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied or even proud of any variation of relationship progression that differs from or seems better than my previous participation in relationship progressions. I realize I have not participated in the beginning of relationships in a healthy self honest self supportive self responsible way pretty much ever, so my standard has to be higher than just being better. I realize getting better is great, but I am not done, there is far to climb before I am operating in this arena in a way that is truly best. So I commit myself to watching this very closely and continuing to investigate this point, because I will not accept or allow myself to do a quick comparison, see that what I am doing now seems superficially better, and then assume that I am "okay" and "in the clear."


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust another person as being right and true. I realize in large part my definition of "right" and "true" is a self definition and may not be fully self honest or within realizations and understandings that I do not yet have. I realize that I can only really trust myself. I realize this happened -- I trusted someone in a way I shouldn't have. I realize that was my choice. I commit myself to let that go as a reason to be angry and project blame. I realize that now I know better, now I trust only myself. I commit myself to continue to look at that point if it continues to persist.

"Never, never trust.

But be friendly.

By being friendly toward others

You increase your non-trusting.

The idea is to be independent,

Not involved,

Not glued, one might say, to others.

Thus one becomes ever more

Compassionate and friendly.

Whatever happens, stand on your own feet

And memorize this incantation:

Do not trust."

~ Chögyam Trungpa, Rinpoche

I see that a lot of this writing led into the statement "I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough," so that might be a good next point to look at.

Defining Undefined Lines - Day 153

One thing that I notice is starkly missing from the list of patterns and characteristics in yesterday's post is something along the lines of "I am attracted to people who I believe I can somehow fix, help, or change." I think the closest thing on the list was the statement, "I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long," because it is the belief that the person will change, whether by me or by time or by process, that keeps me around. That, intermixed with a belief that I must be the one who is wrong if I am dissatisfied with interactions, and some good old self-abuse.

This is really interesting to notice, though, considering what else I wrote about in yesterday's post, which was that I tend to enter friendships / relationships with the hope that this person or this relationship will somehow fix, help, or change me. So, what? I'm supposed to fix the other person somehow, either actively or passively merely by my amazing presence, and the other person is supposed to somehow magically fix me?

Why don't we just fix ourselves?

And why do I allow myself to see, and then immediately overlook and dismiss, instances of abuse or reasons that this person is not actually someone I care to be around for such extensive periods of time, or not a person I really wish to invest myself in in the way that I am? I mean it is one thing to have a friend and hang out and whatever -- we are who we are and we are each responsible for ourselves. It is another thing to have a friend and believe that I can somehow change them, also believe that who they are toward me is indicative of who I am, also believe that who I am is not good enough if they do not give me what I want, which, in many cases, is for them to change, and give me credit / acknowledgement.

In the former, there are two people, operating and walking independently of one another, within this also thus able to support one another just as they might support any other human being or themselves, also learning from one another, but always first themselves. In the latter, there is codependence.

I can remember one particular instance in the not-so-distant past where I was hanging out with someone and I observed behavior and I thought, "Wow, if this was our first time hanging out, I would definitely not be interested in hanging out any more."

Instead, I continued to hang out. Not only that, but persisted in belief and imagining that this person would change, that this person would somehow see things the way I saw them. Maybe this person will, someday. That's not up to me.

But look at that. What a judgment! And with judgment, an investment of myself. If I was not invested, why would I judge? Why would it matter to me how this person behaves? If I were not invested, if I were not operating out of all these other patterns of codependency, then why would I think anything of another's behavior other than seeing it for whatever it is? And why would it matter to me? I mean if we have a "healthy" (not codependent) friendship / relationship, then perhaps I can use this as an opportunity to point out a behavior manifestation of a pattern that I know this person knows exists within themselves but doesn't always recognize when lived out. And then this person can take that, or not. It would not matter to me. I would not be invested in performing, creating, or even catalyzing this change.

Instead, I saw that, and I reacted. And from an ego stand point, I recharged my judgments as "right, this person IS 'this way'." And then I re-asserted myself as superior and as the answer for what I perceived as this person's "need." I saw the opportunity to be "the one" who would reap the benefit of this person seeing themselves and changing. Then I would have what I wanted: a healthy relationship with a person who is self-aware and has integrity. Also within this however, denying myself self-respect and stability.

So, to try and pinpoint this further, there is like this order of operations where I first extend myself over to the other, creating myself as creator of another through my perceived ability to change / influence them. And then I also give myself to the other, placing myself in their hands, waiting and hoping for them to change / influence me, to somehow "fix" me and make me finally feel "happy" or "whole" or "complete." And so for me to see things about the other that I might find repelling upon a first meeting, well into a friendship or relationship, means that I cannot just walk away. I am already invested. There are parts of me, over there, with them, and here I have parts of them in my hands. Or so it seems, because of what I have allowed myself to believe, and how I have allowed myself to act out those beliefs.

And then of course I come to "Wall or Nothing," where it's like this person can do w, x, and y, and everything is okay, but as soon as the threshold is met wherein they do z, I'm done. I'm over it. Walls up. And then I reflect back on, say, x, and how at that point I was not ready to be over it, but how my attitude at that point was still one of "Wall or Nothing," where the behavior I saw in x was one that was very repelling, but since abandonment (wall) was not an option yet, I continued boldly forward into absolute merging (nothing) (so, only perceiving 2 options for recourse: false dilemma), continuing to believe and imagine all the lies of my mind about this relationship, and also believing that "this is just the way it is, this is what I have to deal with if this is what I want, and this is really all I'm worth anyway, clearly. This is the best I can do, so even if I don't want it, I better take it." Abusive, of myself, and the other, whom I am putting in a position of not knowing all that is happening within me, only that I keep showing up, I keep wanting to hang out, and so I must be okay with how things are -- I must accept them for who they are.

But reality is I don't accept them for who they are, and I don't accept myself for who I am. In this dynamic, we are not two individuals, independent and equal. Instead... we are... both wrong. Both not good enough. Both with identities intermingled with the other. No boundaries.

So where is the balance? Where is the ability / skill to see, for example, behavior x, and then make a decision for myself at that point, and at every point / moment, who I want to be, in that moment, of that "relationship"? What's up with defining relationships to such an extent anyway? I mean to define a relationship is to pre-determine the future. What about now? And what about boundaries? "Right now, I see x as a behavior that is unappealing, and shows me a, b, and c about this person's systems and attitudes. A, b, and c are not in alignment with who I am. We can still be friends, because of d, e and f, but maybe I should re-examine some of my own systems, attitudes, and beliefs about this person, and align myself with this new information of observing this behavior."

And ideally, "maybe" I should not create imaginations and beliefs surrounding a relationship with another person in the first place. Ideally I should not create a hole of a certain shape and then try with all my mind to get that person to fit through that hole. Maybe I should see the shape of the other person, and, over time, see how well that person fits with my own shape.

All the while, only ever changing, "perfecting," my own shape. I cannot change the shape of another.

The funny thing is, I thought this was what I was doing. I remember feeling proud of myself that I was taking things slow, that I was taking the time to "really see" if we "fit." I remember thinking we must fit well together since I hadn't had to walk away yet. So there would be another interesting thing to look at, which is how the speed at which I have pursued relationships in the past creates a not-very-high standard to beat in terms of doing things "right" or "better" than before, so that I easily tricked myself into believing that this time was "different" and therefore "better" just because certain previous toxic components had not been put into place.


Now, in large part, the stage for all of this was set because I first believed this person to be trustworthy. I first believed this person to be honest. Why? There are multiple different reasons. But ultimately I chose to trust this person, as I have done many times before where I have trusted others to be more "together" and somehow better than me, trusting others more than I trust myself. So, sometimes, when I encountered behaviors that didn't "sit right" with me, I dismissed it because I assumed that this other person must be right, I must be wrong, because I believed that this person was trustworthy. So then I categorized that behavior as "okay" and "acceptable," even though it was neither okay or acceptable to me in self-honesty (and again I have to continue to look at myself and my black-and-white reactions to stimuli such as the behavior of another, where even though I saw something as "not okay," I did not want to walk away, so instead I continued to merge, because I believed these to be my only two options, with no balance or middle ground). So that is another point that I have already looked at some, in terms of trusting others more than I trust myself and also taking responsibility now for what I did not see / realize / understand back then, also realizing that no one is immortal or infallible, and I can only ever really trust myself (can I even do that? That is what I am working on in process).


Okay. Some of this is still a little vague and fuzzy for me, but this is a huge stride in trying to identify and define this pattern I live out. So I'll keep looking at this to further define it and also walk self forgiveness on these points.

Looking at Myself as My Patterns - Day 152

I see that I have to do something different than what I have been doing, because it's not working, and because I am giving myself migraines.

At the end of this post are the statements of patterns and characteristics of codependence from my CoDA packet (see Day 150). I emboldened the ones that I feel most strongly serve as representations, per my ability to self-see, of my experience of myself, and italicized the few ones that, at least for now, I do not see myself in hardly at all (although I see myself in all of them to at least some extent). I think it is important to note that these are common patterns and characteristics of human beings in general within our creation of ourselves through our minds, but that experiencing enough of these particular patterns/characteristics means that looking at oneself through the lens of codependency might be supportive. Otherwise, simply reading the statements and noticing yourself in any of them is a cool way to see yourself as a pattern of operation. 

I want to begin to look at this because I don't know how many more times I can bang my head against the wall of energy I am existing in the last few weeks / months. So I am looking now to support myself from a different angle, a more all-self-encompassing approach rather than continuing to look at this one wall and get stuck on how it is just like all the other walls, wishing that the person who "hurt me" this time, like every other time, would come and heal all of my many past wounds, holding all of my past wounds against this present person and situation. Here I begin to heal myself. 

I realized this about myself yesterday, or at least put it to words. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, every time I feel hurt by someone, allow myself to open up all of my past wounds, and project anger and blame onto this one new person or new situation that is charged from all of my past struggles and abuses and past self-victimization coagulating with new self-victimization, creating the ultimate un-rescue-able victim. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somehow want this person to somehow heal all of me, and also take the blame for all of me, which is impossible. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so helpless and powerless as myself as a victim that I take whatever opportunity I can to revisit past wounds which leads me to confusion about the here-now moment of "conflict" or "abuse," so that as I am facing what is here in front of me, I am also facing all of the great many things that are behind me, that indeed I never really left behind. I forgive myself that I have never accepted or allowed myself to heal myself or learn how to heal myself or even realize that I can and am the only one who can heal myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit around and wait for someone else to come heal me, for some magical fix, and that within this I have started all new relationships and friendships from this starting point of feeling like I need to be fixed, and maybe this person can fix me, so that when they don't, or especially if they end up hurting me in some way, I become all the more wounded and self-victimized and angry and hurt and self-defeating. I commit myself now to take a step back and see myself, hold myself, take responsibility for myself, and heal myself. I commit myself to walk this path of self-healing as is most self-serving in self-honesty. I commit myself to seeing the broader patterns of who I am because, for me, this is the best and easiest way to see myself, and, for me, I become overwhelmed when I try to get too specific, at least for now, because there is too much else to also look at that is directly related, open, and hurting. So now I try a different angle, a different approach -- one that matches my energetic experience and the way that I exist as myself, rather than in opposition to myself: working with myself to heal myself.

I commit myself again to my Self, and no other, not allowing myself to align myself with what I believe another or others want or expect or wish of me, but seeing myself in self-honesty and then working with myself to walk this process in a way that is self-supportive in aligning myself with what is best for all as me. 

Some of these are more presently relevant than others. Some I can see I have already changed significantly in myself, whether through work with Desteni or prior to my participation with the Desteni process. Some are in process now. I will look at some statements individually through writing in posts to come. 

Denial Patterns:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel. 
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. 
• I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others. 
• I label others with my negative traits. 
• I can take care of myself without any help from others. 
• I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
• I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. 

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. 
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. 
• I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve. 
• I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake. 
• I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good. 
• I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires. 
• I perceive myself as superior to others. 
• I look to others to provide my sense of safety. 
• I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects. 
• I have trouble setting healthy priorities. 

Compliance Patterns:

• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. 
• I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want. 
• I am hyper vigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. 
• I accept sexual attention when I want love. 
• I make decisions without regard to the consequences. 
• I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. 

Control Patterns:

• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel. 
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked. 
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice. 
• I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
• I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. 
• I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. 
• I demand that my needs be met by others. 
• I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
• I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. 
• I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. 
• I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. 
• I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others. 
• I pretend to agree with others to get what I want. 

Avoidance Patterns:

• I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me. 
• I judge harshly what others think, say, or do. 
• I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance. 
• I allow my addictions to people, places, and things distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships. 
• I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. 
• I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery. 
• I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable. 
• I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away. 
• I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself. (this I edit to: "I refuse to give up my self-ish-want to avoid surrendering to the power that is myself in self-honesty.")
• I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. 
• I withhold expressions of appreciation. 

Liking the Boy Who Pulls Your Hair - Day 148

Today two of my students came to me to talk about boy troubles. Both girls were talking about how confused they were because the boys they liked were very hot and cold with them, basically being nice especially when they were alone, but mean to them when there were other kids around, or otherwise being generally hot and cold.

We talked about self-respect and I asked why they would like someone who does not respect them or who treats them poorly. This was more just a question I wanted them to think about and reflect on, since it is certainly something that takes a while for most women (and men?) to learn. In fact it is something that I am only learning right now.

I encouraged them to be reflective of themselves and only act based on decisions they make about who they are, not about what other people do or say, or what they think other people want them to do, or what they think other people think.

I encouraged them to think about how they could best support themselves.

I pointed out how we're probably always going to feel those butterflies in our stomach when we see a boy who we think is attractive. Sometimes that's hard to control. But what we can control is what we do with that. We don't have to "like" someone just because of how he looks. It's how he actually is toward us that matters, and how he is in general. I mean, what do they expect a relationship with that person to look like, based on how he treats them now? And what kind of relationship do they really want? "One where we're kind to each other, we don't call each other names..."

And what did I really expect that relationship to look like? More of the same? I hoped it would be different. I hoped he would change. I hoped I could make him change. I hoped I was special enough to make him change, to make him be the person I originally thought he was, or wanted him to be. I hoped. Hope is not real. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my experience here and now based on what I hoped for the future. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to exist in the here and now of reality, responding to what is here, now, and moving myself in self honesty from the starting point of stability in this moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change another person for the sake of my own ego, of feeling good about myself as being important enough to another person to make them change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could have that power, to change another person because they care about me that much. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate caring and love with a person changing to be a better person. I realize this goes back to my dad, who said he loved me, but who was abusive. I realize that I wanted him to change in order to show me he loved me. I realize maybe I have a hidden belief that he didn't really love me, since he never changed. So I commit myself to investigate this further. What is "love" in this belief? The belief that I do not matter. That I only matter if I can get another person to change, to treat me better, then I will know I have value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this, to put before myself this impossible task that is completely irrelevant to my actual value as life, and which is self-abusive by design. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be the person that makes another person change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be that person. I see that in this instance I have helped another person see themselves, but only after engaging in much frustration and self-abusive behavior of arguing and not supporting myself. It is not my job to change another. It is not my job to make another see himself. I will not be enticed by this ability -- I am tired! It is not worth it to do this when I am not stable in myself, supporting myself. I cannot support another instead of supporting myself, and I cannot accept or allow myself to be drained by another person who does not understand and respect (see himself as one with and equal to) the consequence of these interactions. I will respect myself and stop my participation. I will create myself now here as the person that I want to be, supporting myself, trusting myself, respecting myself, and taking responsibility for myself NOW, so that I no longer hope for the future to be a certain way. I am here now, I will be here now, I will create myself here and now as what is best for all as best I can in self-support. I stand. 

I also pointed out how, from the sounds of it, it seemed like these boys just wanted attention from them in order to stroke their own egos. And so, when one girl stopped talking to that boy for 4 days, he started giving her a lot of attention on facebook, trying basically to coax her back into the position he had been keeping her in: at arm's length, but still feeding his ego.

Maybe I was projecting from my own experiences; I don't know. But the girls said they could relate to what I was saying. One girl felt sympathetic about a boy who was going through a difficult time with a break up. I pointed out that for me, in the past, I would use that as like an excuse for a boy to be mean to me, and I would think that if I could be stable and consistent, then eventually he'd get over it, and he'd want to be with me, like he'd see how great I am, and we would be together, and everything would be perfect. She laughed and said that's how she feels. The other girl wanted to "blast" one of the boys she had liked but who was being mean on facebook, which I gathered meant that she wanted to basically post a lot on his wall about what she thinks of him. I pointed out how that might feel like taking control, but he's probably not going to reflect on anything based on that. He's not going to say, "you know what? you're right!" or at least he won't say that and mean it. I pointed out how here the three of us were having a nice conversation and we were learning from it, but when other staff, for example, shout at them, it's easy to look away and say "yeah, okay, whatever, oh my god, this is so stupid." So when someone is really reactive at us, we tune them out. But when someone comes to us calmly, or otherwise stops participating in the game / dance of reaction, we realize that something's up, and we look at it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be abused and mistreated with the hopes that a boy / man will see me as valuable. How backwards! 

I realize this only shows what I am accepting and allowing. This communicates that I accept and allow and even invite abuse. 

I commit myself to respect myself by no longer accepting or allowing others to abuse me. I commit myself to set boundaries for myself and live by them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will be heard if I am loud, that I will be seen if my actions are big or extreme. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my reaction with a belief that it will communicate better than me communicating for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into the desire to have retribution through reaction, through "showing another how it feels" or trying to convey my emotional intensity through anger. I see, realize, and am beginning to understand how effective communication comes from a point of stability. I realize that giving myself over to reaction, giving myself over to retribution, is abandoning myself and abusing myself. I realize that I am most easily heard when I am calm. I realize that others do not typically react well to reaction -- they will react in turn, whether by also becoming angry, or discrediting me, or something else. But if I am calm, then I am supporting myself, and there is a better chance I will be heard and understood. So I commit myself to keeping my reactions to myself as much as I can, as much as seems appropriate. I commit myself to not using my anger to communicate. I commit myself to abandoning the belief that if I can show others how much I am hurting, they will feel bad. I realize people don't want to see themselves as bad people, so seeing the consequences of their behavior sometimes makes them just turn away. So I realize this is not effective. So I commit myself to effectively support myself and effectively communicate by finding stability before I communicate. I realize the other person understanding me is not paramount. Understanding myself is what is paramount. Respecting myself is paramount.  

I've been kept at arm's length, and I've been in the position of thinking someone was quite mean to me, disrespectful, and also seeing his behavior as contradictory and even irresponsible. And yet, for some reason, I succumbed to his charm and charisma, and his CONfidence, and his physical appearance, and I decided I "liked" him. I didn't listen to myself in self-honesty. I believed that the other person must genuinely be that great, since he acted so great, since he acted like he was hot shit, since it seemed like other girls liked him too.

I directed myself from what I thought I should do based on what other people thought, based on my perception of how other people received this person -- not how I actually received him, which was a lot of really negative interactions, that I just overlooked, because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, or I thought he would change, or I thought I was wrong for perceiving things that way, because I trusted him more than I trusted myself.

And this is mainly why I am mad, at myself. And I am mad too because I finally let it be known how I felt, and I fear now that this is just being used once again for this individual to stroke his ego. But mainly, I am mad that I abused myself and rejected myself in favor of hanging out with, liking, and pursuing a guy who wasn't nice to me, who didn't treat me with respect, and who behaved egotistically and arrogantly. I'm mad at myself for trusting someone who was obviously not trustworthy. I'm mad at myself for not trusting myself. I'm mad at myself that I believed it was just the way it would be, that it only made sense for us to be together, so it's like I was "stuck" with that, so I found a way to be okay with it. I'm mad at myself that I SAW all of this, and I ignored it. There was no lack of awareness, there was simply a lack of self responsibility. And now I am here as the consequence for that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be self-dishonest and twist my own words / memories / experiences to deny that I liked someone because I feel embarrassed and because I do not want this person to have even more food for his ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to lie to myself in order to manipulate this other person to feel or not feel a certain way. Again this is holding myself hostage in order to manipulate another's experience. I forgive myself. I let it go. 

I'll make absolutely no excuses for myself. I was only just beginning to receive and learn the tools. But it doesn't change the fact that this is what I accepted and allowed, and now I am here as the consequence of that. And now I must take responsibility.

I realize that my liking this person had a lot more to do with me than it did with him. I realize that the fact that I liked this person shows me myself, and what I have not given myself: Trust, Respect, Support. I realize too that I have not given myself the responsibility to give myself these things. I realize that it is who I was as who I have been in my life that led me to the point of liking this person, as a consequential next step from who I have liked in the past. I realize that even though I thought that every relationship after my first should get "better," they have all actually gotten "worse," because my self-esteem, self-respect, self-support, and self-trust have diminished with every experience I have had with men, and it has not been until now that I have been able to see this as the root, that: I have not allowed myself to trust myself, I have not allowed myself to respect myself, and I have not allowed myself to support myself; instead I have done all of this unto another, without first doing it to myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an extensive belief system within myself centering on the core belief that "my life will finally start when I am in a committed relationship," and so I should hold off on really creating myself, so that I would be more available and free to conform to whatever man decided I was good enough for him, so that I could become whatever he wanted me to become, so that I could finally be in a committed relationship and my life could finally start, and I could finally be happy, where the "start" of my life becomes the end of my living, the end of the only thing I have: myself, my ability to direct myself. I realize this belief is central to how I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused by men, to how I have abused myself through men, and abused myself through this belief. I realize through this belief I have abdicated responsibility for myself throughout my life. I realize I have not trusted myself, that within this belief I have cultivated and nurtured self doubt. I realize I have not allowed myself to really live, as myself, as life. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to normalize the phenomenon that men are abusive of and mistreat women, and this is okay, in fact this is a sign of a good relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the small few positive interactions, choosing to ignore the negative / abusive interactions, in favor of believing the positives are what is "real" or what will become real, rather than seeing all interactions as what is real, and using all interactions to show me who another person is, and to show myself who I am being, as what I am accepting and allowing within my relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that another person is better than me or superior to me simply because they treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take memories of past relationships, especially with my brothers, where these were boys I was supposed to look up to and who were supposed to protect me, who sometimes teased me and treated me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that it is acceptable or allowable for someone to treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that if I accept and allow someone to treat me poorly, they will like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that if I accept and allow someone to treat me poorly, they will realize that I am valuable, and they will start to treat me better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that my value to another person comes from what I accept and allow them to do to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be used and abused by men, to stroke their egos, or stroke something else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be used and abused by men sexually, because I want them to like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse myself sexually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / believe that accepting and allowing others to use and abuse me is how I can get other people to like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important or even imperative that other people like me.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to like myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself liking myself to be enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need others to like me in order for me to be okay or happy, or for my life to be worthwhile, for the fact that I am alive to be worthwhile.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to trust myself, respect myself, or support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give gifts to others that I have not given to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not matter, that only what I can do for other people matters. I realize I cannot really do anything for anyone, only myself, or only once I have done that for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" someone just because I think they are attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" someone just because it seems like other people think they are attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide this experience because I do not want the other to use this information to continue to stroke their ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed when it seems as if I have been more transparent than I realized, that what I was trying to hide actually showed through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" boys / men who are not kind to me, who do not treat me with respect, and who are not actually supportive of me as life, as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "like" boys / men who treat me poorly, who treat me as less than them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this is normal, this is just the way it is, and I don't deserve any better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for boys / men / people who treat me poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow my own abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify what I perceive as "weaknesses" in another person / areas where they have room to grow, and to believe that I can be the person to show them this, and to help them grow, and within this I find value in myself, I believe I matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go out of my way to support another person with the ulterior motive of feeling valued and validated and like I matter.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to validate myself, or realize that I am valuable and I do matter, as all life matters and is valuable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself from the starting point of what I perceive about what other people want or think, so that, since I never communicated my intent, I didn't know for sure what the other person wanted, so I held onto the hope that maybe this is what they wanted, so I kept that door open as an option, kept imagining that as a possibility, so that rather than listening to myself in self-honesty, and directing myself therefrom, I was more enticed by the possibility that this person might like me, and then I could be liked, even if I did not really, in self-honesty, like this other person, but only liked my idea of who this person could be someday, or what this person represented for me, or what I had imagined about this other person, but actually rather disliked this person based on our actual interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be led on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want another person to like me who I did not even like. I see this is abusive. I see this is not self honest. I see this is irresponsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do what I could to get another person to like me, to stroke my ego. I realize this is also what they did to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be wanted, and want to be liked, so that when I saw the possibility that another person might like me "like that," I fed into it, and allowed myself to be led on, even though I was always kept at arm's length, even though I never felt good, even though I was always confused, even though I felt like I had no control of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust another person to be responsible and self-honest because he claimed to be these things, so that, within this, I abdicated my own responsibility and I did not trust myself, because I thought trusting this other person was safer, because he knew more. But I realize it is not about what a person knows, it is about how they live. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to recognize the reality of the interactions and the reality of living, instead engaging in ideas in my mind and ideas as communicated by another, ideas and "knowledge" about who a person is, rather than the reality of who the person shows me he is.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be a person who is self-honest absolutely, because even though I was communicating with myself, I did not listen to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto "what ifs" and "buts" and wondering how things "could" be rather than looking at how things actually are / were and moving myself from within reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing all of this bullshit that has occurred over the past almost year of my life. I forgive myself for that. I forgive myself and I realize I have learned so, so much about myself through this experience, not only about myself and relationships, but myself and self trust, myself and boundaries, myself and honesty, myself and responsibility, myself and grudges/conflict, myself and friendships, myself and listening to myself, and myself and the desteni message. I realize that I made mistakes. I realize that now I know, and with that knowledge I can now live better, as what is best for all.

I commit myself to continue to work through the reactions.

I commit myself to trusting myself, as I listen to what I communicate to myself.

I commit myself to calming myself and soothing myself when I see myself doubting myself, I commit myself to breathing and investigating the self doubt and the function of the self doubt.

I commit myself to respecting myself. I commit myself to not accepting or allowing others to abuse me. I commit myself to not accepting or allowing myself to abuse myself through accepting and allowing others to abuse me.

I commit myself to support myself absolutely. I commit myself to create and live by boundaries for myself as what I learn to trust in myself, and what I learn is best for all.

Standing as Equals

Here is a cool post by someone else who wrote on a similar topic: Why do I like the guys that do not like me?