If I'm Going to Let Go... - Day 161

I need to actually let go.

No more carrying the energy, thoughts, back chat, conversations, etc. around.

What will greatly assist and support me in this is to apply self-forgiveness in the moment of experience.

I realize that I am almost always in my mind, and not only that, but within my mind creating and experiencing and engaging with very negative energy, energy that I have already committed myself to let go of. But I just let it happen, like as if I have no control over it. I mean I'm not even of the mindset that I can control it. Like it just happens and I feel angry or miserable and then there I am, feeling angry and miserable, and that's just me. I haven't accepted or allowed myself yet to really stop, breathe, and then forgive myself for what I have just created in that moment of experience, what within that I have just done unto myself which I would not want another to do unto me -- indeed half of why I'm so mad is because I feel another DID do something to me! So why do I repeat such abuse and unkindness to myself within my mind?

I mean here I am with my space and I am filling it with energy. Here I am with myself and I am filling myself to the brim with negative energy. Here I am now on my path to heal and I am just continuing to self-abuse through my participation within and as this energy.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to accept and allow energetic reactions / creations, and participating actively in those reactions with the belief that it is just "happening" as if I am passive, because I see, realize, and understand that these energies would not happen without my active participation in creating and sustaining them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be active in my participation in energy and passive in my stopping of energy, not realizing that I have to actually stop myself, and breathe, both of which are actions which require effort and work and diligence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to truly utilize and practice self-forgiveness in the moment of experience.

I commit myself to really put that at the forefront of my process to assist and support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around energy with and as me even when there is no stimulus for that energy other than my own self within and as my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stalled in process because I am still in this energy and because I am still participating in back chat and thoughts and emotions rather than seeing that here I have myself and I have my breath and I have all that I need to find stability -- there is nothing else that must happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in like a fear or expectation that something more will happen that will also anger me or stimulate more reaction and so I am just basically readying myself and "preparing" myself for this reaction except I'm not really doing this in a self-honest and self-supportive way, which would be simply to find stability here and now and in my breath in the physical, but instead I am like preparing for battle, charging up all of my energy so that I am ready to explode at the first offense.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to just be here and now with and for and as me within and as my breath in the physical in self support always to create stability for and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to utilize my time and space appropriately because I am still too caught up in energies and I still feel like I am juggling a lot of different points and rather than facing these points or assisting and supporting myself to stop these patterns, I am just letting it all happen as if I expect them to, if they ever go away, do so by magic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself here and now in and as my breath in the physical by escaping and exiting through my mind to participate in energy, especially negative energy, and project this energy and anger outward toward others or another so that it is like I am a victim and it is up to these others or another to do or stop doing something in order for my energy to stop or heal, when in reality there is no real actual stimulus for all of this energy -- only me and my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still make my well-being about someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still focus my attention on someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still make my self-esteem defined through my mind relationship to someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set aside myself and my interests and my enjoyment because I am too busy engaging in negative energies, especially energies about someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on all of my energy and reaction as my guide for who I am, rather than stopping, breathing, and being my own self directive principle within the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to react in energy about the things that I thought were or would be but weren't and will not be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value another and another's opinions and what another does more than I value myself and my own opinions and what I do, inasmuch as I spend my mental attention and energy on these things rather than on myself and who I am and what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish my own quality of life because I am so caught up in how I think or feel or react about another person and a situation.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself in every moment, to, in every moment, look first at how I can support myself, take responsibility for myself, and be self honest, before looking at all of my energy and the "reasons" for that energy and then just participating within and as that energy, allowing myself to be swept up by that energy, swept away by the storm.

I commit myself again to support myself by utilizing the practice of self forgiveness in the moment of energetic experience.

I realize that if another person is not here in the physical with me then there is little to no reason that they should be here in my mind, certainly not if their presence in my thoughts is detrimental to my stability.

I commit myself to stopping this and being here with myself, my stability as my top priority, utilizing my breath and self forgiveness to support myself in this, coming out of my mind and into the physical as what is here so that I may move on just as time moves on just as life moves on.

Anxiety, Self-Direction, and Getting Lost - Day 149

In some ways, I have noticed a marked increase in my experience of anxiety.

Right now I attribute this to increased awareness. Like a hyper-exposure, as compared to ever before, to my environment and who I am within it. And, since I haven't really addressed anxiety specifically, anxiety is a kind of go-to reaction to that hyper-exposure.

ex·pose
ikˈspōz/
verb
1. make (something) visible, typically by uncovering it.

Visibility implies vulnerability. In becoming more visible to myself, I experience myself also as more visible to others. But nothing has actually changed in physical reality. Only my awareness.

The sensation is interesting. It isn't really an anxiety in my gut. It's more in my chest, in my heart rate, and like a very subtle vibration in my upper arms and shoulders, like making me feel compressed from the sides, with my arms at my sides. A kind of pressure to make myself small and narrow, and collapsed.

It's weird because it's also how I felt when I visited Oakland a few weekend ago. In part I was a little anxious because I was meeting someone for the first time, and that is usually an experience that I react to with anxiety.

But I also attribute my experience in Oakland to this feeling of being kind of trapped and exposed, which for some reason I relate to in terms of transportation. I mean I know that my anxiety in the bay area links me to a memory of the only car accident I've ever been in that was my fault, and that occurred in San Francisco.

So for some reason I associate this particular experience of anxiety of visibility and vulnerability -- this experience becoming normative as my experience now as I become more involved at work especially, and come to see myself more and more in process -- with the experience of being in a large city and having to navigate my transportation therein by myself.

So it's a weird association that I don't really understand yet. But the experience is becoming a frequent, maybe even near-constant experience of myself, even now here where I live and at work.

But interesting to note here in particular in relation to this association is that it is associated with having to rely on myself to navigate in a crowded, highly visible, chaotic environment, where the whole city is not going to stop, where no one really can be expected to stop to help me, or to soothe me, or to give me direction, should I crash, or fall, or make a mistake. I have to do it myself. And, at least in the case of driving, I don't believe I can.

And, really, in the case of living, it is the same. I am saturated with self-doubt, and it feels like my speed is picking up. Like here I am now approaching the city, and now driving in the city, and I can't stop it, I am here in the city, and I am scared. What I do at work matters. What I do in my personal life for myself, matters. I matter, I am beginning to see. And with that comes responsibility, ie self-reliance. Self-trust. Whoa.

And I want to hide. I feel hyper-exposed.

But now I see that my speed is not in fact picking up. As I said above, nothing in reality has changed, only my awareness.

So now, I stop, and I support myself with my breath, when I feel anxious like this. I take deep, slow breaths, and I support myself this way until I can release the anxious energy as pressure and compression on my body from the sides of my arms and shoulders and chest, through my breath.

I realize that as I breathe deeply and slowly, the sensation dissipates. Could the sensation itself be indicative that I have been holding my breath, or breathing too shallow? Maybe. So I look at this.

---

I wrote that last night.

Last night I also watched an episode of Lost (Season 2, Episode 18, "Dave") and it was really a very interesting episode in terms of "mental health." Basically within it we find out that one character, who used to be in a mental institution, was there at least in part because he had an imaginary friend who represented negativity and an addiction to food. And in this episode, the character has a mental break, and this imaginary friend re-emerges, and lures him to a cliff where he suggests that jumping off will allow the character to wake up to see actual reality (the imaginary friend convinces him that everything at that point is an illusion).

I got kind of wrapped up in this. I mean I could really relate, given my own experiences with "mental illness" and the dark places I have gone within my mind, hating myself, limiting myself, even wanting to kill myself, or hurt myself. Paranoia about reality vs illusion. Lack of trust of others, and myself. Really dark negative belief systems about myself. And it was interesting to see how that kind of energy can become separated so far to the point of creating an imaginary friend, although I've not done that. Either way the episode serves as an example of the personalities we create for different parts of ourselves, as we divide ourselves from ourselves as life within our minds. Lost is available to stream on Netflix, by the way. It's a great show.

But I was scared, as I was watching. It's so easy! It's so easy to get lost. It's so easy to let that part take control. It's so easy to fuck up. It would be so easy for me to, for example, believe I should just kill myself. So I was scared. Because I didn't want to go there again. And I didn't want to risk it. And I was scared because I wasn't sure how I would even be able to tell. How can I tell illusion from reality? I've lived in illusion for so long, even if it hasn't always been the kind that leads me over a cliff. How can I trust myself?

So for me this relates back to the hyper-exposure / awareness of myself. I am more aware of who I am, who I have been, the consequences of me. And as I try to pick up the pieces of myself and gather myself as one whole, I am pulling into myself the parts of me I pushed farthest away in separation. The darkest parts of me, are still me. So here I am, like in the same room now with my own death, having to face myself, without separation.

And last night I felt actually kind of scared as I was trying to sleep, because I was afraid that this anxiety would be my demise, that I would somehow really fuck something up, like at work.

I'm trying to identify the anxiety more now. I know for one thing that sometimes the food I eat gives me a physical experience that is similar to anxiety. Just like how one of my old students at my old job would sometimes become scared and thus angry after playing sports, because he confused his increased heart rate for anxiety and fear. Similarly I might be confusing these physical sensations, and reacting to them with anxiety.

But I am also facing a big point right now. And I don't really want to face it. That is probably a huge part of it.

I also see how angry I am. I am so angry. And I see that the things that I say in my mind, the angry energy that I am directing at another in my mind... why, it's so familiar. Because I've hated myself before. Because I've hurt myself before. Because I've wanted to hurt myself before. Because I've raged at myself countless times. So when I realized this, when I realized that everything I was ranting about in my mind about another was the exact same shit I believe about myself, it kind of overcame me. It came back at me, as me. And I just want to rage and throw a fit and break something and hit a punching bag until I cry.

I haven't released it yet. I went through today with this anxiety energy consuming me. The anger is consuming me.

I am not sure, but, I think in some ways, it was probably a self-victimization. I am stressed, I am overwhelming myself. So here I made myself the victim of anxiety. Like, wow, I am really going through something "serious" here, so I need attention. But I didn't seek out attention for it. I just went through my day, feeling anxious, feeling worried, feeling distracted and uncomfortable, feeling afraid, and feeling afraid of fucking up. Seeing how easy it would be to fuck up, and feeling afraid of that, and then feeling stuck, like I am going down this path, like I am driving in the city and I am going to crash.

I don't know. There is a lot right now.

What I do know, but have not been practicing, is that I have control over myself. I know that, even if I don't know how, I am creating this experience. I know that I am feeding it, or else it wouldn't still be here. I mean the mere fact that I moved through the entire day holding onto this anxiety -- obviously I am participating. I was "trying it on" so to speak, to see how it felt. Now I need to take it off, and let it go.

So I breathe. And I also move away from the foods that I suspect might be contributing to the physical experience that I am reacting to as anxiety. And I take care of myself, and be patient with myself, and try to figure out how the fuck I can support myself before I self destruct.

And I continue to look at how to let go of energy, and leave it behind me. Actually release it, and then fill myself with my breath, myself as life.

And I reflect on what I have already written, as a way to see myself, rather than resist myself. I embody myself as one whole; I do not abandon myself, and I am not a lost cause.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto anxious energy as a self-definitive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in angry thoughts and hold onto the anger generated by these thoughts so that I am back tracking and creating new energy to hold onto rather than releasing and letting go of energy unconditionally.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to truly be forgiving.

I commit myself to embodying forgiveness as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move through my day filled with self-doubt and self-hatred and questioning my value or my worth to anyone or to myself.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to put it on others to validate me or tell me I am okay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a lack or need within myself and then expecting others to fill it, or hoping others will help me feel better somehow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot do this, where this is supporting myself, this is standing in stability, this is continuing forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage with this extreme experience of anxiety as if it is the new me, who I am, and who I will be, as if I have no ability to direct the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become this experience of anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to direct myself and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exposed and fear being exposed, even though I believe that integrity = transparency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and fear that others will judge me as harshly as I judge myself, or as harshly as I judge others.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to embody forgiveness and realize it as the way of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am alone, that I do not have the support that other people have, that I do not have the friendships or relationships that other people have, and that because of this I am lost, I am less equipped to get through each day the way that others can. I realize this is self-victimization. I realize my relationships are my own creation. I realize that within this I am denying myself my own ability to support myself. I realize that this does not support me, to entertain these thoughts, and feel sorry for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of the relationships or outside support that I perceive others as having. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of the seeming stability that other people have. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent people in my life who I feel do not support me the way I wish they would, or the way it seems like other people are able to garner support from those around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entranced in a story or theatrical depiction of mental illness and to fear myself having the same experience, or fear my memories of my own dark experiences, to fear that I have no control over myself, that my mind can overtake me and direct me to my death.

It can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this, and believe that I can't overcome it, that I can't direct myself to life.

I can.

I commit myself to patience with myself. I commit myself to understanding myself. I commit myself to forgiving myself. I commit myself to letting go. I commit myself to steady breathing, steady walking, and steadiness within myself. I commit myself to slowing down to what is here and now. I commit myself to supporting myself and sympathizing with myself and giving myself whatever I wish another would give me at any given moment, giving myself that moment to be here for and as myself, to care for myself, to care about myself, giving myself what I need but am not getting because I am not giving it to myself.

I commit myself to stop fear of moving forward. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to be overcome by energy.

I commit myself to start by allowing myself to believe I can do this, to stop the self-doubt. Then, I will do it.

Walking Through the Wall - Day 144

I continue to have difficulty with actual forgiveness.
I continue to prefer looking at the wall instead of what is beyond it. I continue to rebuild the wall.
I continue to put up the blocks and defenses of energy. I continue to create separation through energy.
I continue to get hung up on holding onto energy.

I mean this scenario is lose-lose. I am stuck, angry, stagnant. And within this, neither can move forward. I mean it's like the other "can't win," because I will always put energy in the way, and no one else can remove that energy. And within this I can't win either, because living in energy is living in a prison.

To make this win-win is actually very simple. I let go. I let go of the energy. I stop building the wall and I walk through the fucking wall. I put it behind me. I forgive. I stop it, end it, and leave it. I do not accept it or allow it.

No contingencies. No stipulations. No "ifs" "ands" or "buts."

Unconditional and absolute as what is best for all: win-win.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the energy coming up again and that I have done nothing about it, that I have merely seen it, but have not faced it, have not processed it, have not directed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the energy to come up again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the energy to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation through and as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rebuild the wall through the passage of time and suppression of energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stuff the energy into my body as an experience of heaviness and feeling blocked and dense in my chest/stomach area.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to weigh myself down with energetic experiences, holding onto energy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to support myself to release the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not facing / processing / directing the energy because I was "clear" momentarily and so I have believed the little bits of recreated energy does not matter or is not enough to make a difference, or like somehow magically it didn't matter because I had been clear briefly.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let the energy grow and compile and condense into a wall or block because I have not wanted to face it / myself, because I wanted to believe I was done, because I wanted to believe that maybe it was that easy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ask myself, "how did that happen?" and answer for myself "temporary relief of validation through communication with another," and yet to not follow through on this realization that this was not real relief, this was not real stability, it was merely a drainage, but the energy was still flowing in / through / as me, and I would soon fill up with it again if I did not stop it.

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really unconditionally and perpetually support myself by filling myself with my breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to basically abandon myself and "move on" just because I found temporary relief, so that now that it was no longer urgent I did not want to look at it.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to really see, realize, and understand that this relief was only temporary and it was in no real way facilitated or created or directed by me, but was dependent on the response that I got from another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice that, but to resist doing anything about it, resist directing the energy for myself and ensuring that it was really done, by myself really actually stopping it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to actually forgive myself, or actually forgive another, because I have continued to exist in energy and continued to perpetuate the energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the energy that was rebuilding was not enough to matter, and also to project my responsibility into the future, where I thought "I'll deal with it later, when the time comes to face the conversation."

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see myself always and support myself unconditionally through any and every energetic experience, especially those which, in self-honesty, were clearly going to lead to an energetic clog of a wall or grudge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I have been allowing this wall to be rebuilt, by turning a blind eye, not seeing myself in such a way that the wall could like "sneak up on me" without me even realizing that I was slowly become more and more clogged and blocked and less able to breathe.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to hold to my commitment unconditionally to watch myself for any new or old energetic hoarding, to see how I would fill the emptiness in a fear reaction to the relief I found through an external source.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to clear myself from within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a friendship contingent on who another person is, or what another person says or does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to manipulate a situation / friendship / person so that I do not have to take absolute responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to blame another for my energetic experience of myself, ignoring the fact that I am the only creator of my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still therefore try to look at what another should or "needs to" do differently rather than seeing what I need to do differently, and then changing, unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make who I am contingent on who another is or what another says or does, so that the reality I create for myself is contingent on external factors.


I stop.

I breathe.

I walk through the wall.

I put it behind me.

I forgive.

I breathe more.

I forgive again.

And I do not look back.

Write and repeat.

Previous Pertinent Posts:

• Breaking Down the Wall Between My Father and Myself - Day 4
• Conflict Character - Day 73
• Holding Grudges and Retribution - Day 96
• Having Things "My Way" - Day 97
• Betrayal - Day 104
• The Grudge - Day 105
• Hindsight? Why Not See NOW? - Day 106
• SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112
• Forgiveness Defined - Day 113
• Emotions, Responsibility, and Actual Forgiveness - Day 114
• I am Not a True Friend - Day 118
• Learning to Let Go - Day 121
• The Sailor and the Storm Within - Day 122
• Getting Unstuck & Taking Responsibility - Day 125
• Resolving Conflict through Conversation with Myself - Day 126
• Wall or Nothing - Day 127
• Still Stuck - Day 128
• Not Communicating My Intent - Day 129
• Together, Al(l)One - Day 130

Adding Layers of Energy to Avoid Facing Self (Holding Onto Energy is Holding Self Back) - Day 136

In this post I had mentioned that I wanted to watch myself to see if I was creating, sustaining and thus holding onto any kind of energy, especially negative / emotional, specifically as a replacement to the energies I have lived in for many months that I am now releasing.

It's been a little bit of a stressful couple of days and I see myself getting caught up, even if only ever so slightly, on a couple things. Easiest for me to slip into is worry / concern about a particular member of my family, which is in regards to what I wrote about the last two days. This morning during a meeting with the other mental health professionals at work, memories and emotions were coming in regards to this family situation, the excuse utilized being the meeting conversation topic of the substance abuse by one of our students. So as the other staff were talking about a student's mental health and substance abuse, I was drifting off into my mind, thinking about my family, and engaging in the anxiety and discomfort in my stomach / solar plexus. And so I had to catch myself, and stop, and breathe.

I mean getting caught up in this is not going to help me, professionally or personally. It is also not going to help the situation itself in any way. It is not going to assist me in stability so that I might be able to support my family with suggestions / as a sounding board. But mostly, it is self-ir-response-able, because engaging in this energy is me purposely destabilizing myself basically to entertain myself and make myself feel important within my mind as my "problems," so that I will be unable to be here and thus respond to reality in alignment with equality and oneness and what is best for all.

In many ways, holding onto any kind of energy is the same as holding a grudge. It is the same as that saying / proverb that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Well when I / we hold onto energy we think it means something, gives some kind of control or power, or somehow impacts another person the way we want it to. But really it only affects me, or you, or whoever is doing the holding. What's that other saying? Anger is like holding onto a hot coal: you're the one who gets burned? I mean I see this too at work with the students, who hold onto their reactions and anger as a way to avoid taking responsibility for themselves, or as a way to empower themselves to have some sense of control in their hectic lives. I see it even too with some of the staff, who are facing instability and even chaos amid all the changes, and who want to be angry rather than cooperate. Or the female student who has created a crush for herself on a classmate, and now that is how she entertains herself, drawing his name and other obsessive activities. Or again the example of a student, holding onto a personality / persona of being "tough" and "not caring" so as to cover up or avoid some other real pain or sense of inferiority, real points to face. And I see it in myself, and all around me, as we all allow and engage with and feed any kind of energy, positive or negative, so as to just add another layer between what is real and what we create. Another point to walk through before having to face the points we resist.

I noticed this too as I was walking through the point of the grudge. Hugely. Very clearly I did not want to face the grudge, myself as grudge-holder. I resisted a lot. And as a result, among other energetic participation (the grudge itself acting as a wall in my way), I chose to engage again in my own versions of substance abuse, which is really just mild drinking and compulsive eating. Another layer. Another point between me and the real point. A point which becomes the primary point, the point that has to be addressed before getting to the real point. Distraction and avoidance.

I saw it too when Bernard died, and I reacted. And probably in large part because my reaction was about Bernard, I stopped myself in mere minutes. I saw the reaction as an easy time-loop, to get stuck in the past of that moment I found out he died. Another reaction, another layer, another point, before I can continue on my process. Let it go, keep moving.

And in my last post I had a clearer glimpse than ever at how positive energy, either from others or myself, is still not self honest or self supportive or what is best for all. Holding onto positive energy is still blinding myself and getting myself stuck. My battle is primarily, at this stage anyway, with my tendency to gravitate toward negative energy experiences, which has all the more detrimental effects for myself and all as life. Either way this is energy to hold onto put in my own way. Holding onto something is holding self back.

So I was sitting in this meeting and I was starting to entertain the thoughts and I was starting to embrace the discomfort in my body. My brow was beginning to furrow and then I saw a little further down the dark road I was starting to travel: whining, feeling powerless, feeling sad, needing attention, angry maybe, irritability, selfishness... a whole gamut of energy available to adopt to get me off track and totally caught up in my own little world. Not effective. Not self honest. Not self responsible. Not self supportive. Not best for all. So, I stopped. I snapped myself out of it and back to the issues at hand, what was in front of me in that present moment. And now here I reflect.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain and begin to engage with the thoughts, emotions, and back chat when the conversation at work reminded me of what is happening in my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice that feeling in my gut / solar plexus and to use that as a justification for my mind energy, as like, "wow, if I get that feeling in my stomach, it must be real."

I thank myself for catching myself and snapping myself out of it, back into my breath, back into reality.

When and as I see myself getting hung up on back chat and emotions and thoughts about my personal life and my "problems," I stop and I breathe. I realize that participating in this energy is how I become the victim, and when I make myself the victim I take away my own power. I realize I make myself the victim, and I make myself powerless, through my participation in the energy. I commit myself to breathing myself into stability within the realization that it is only when I am here, now, that I am able to support myself and all as life.



"Hung up" -- I was having another conversation with a coworker and mentioned how some of the teachers get hung up on certain points in regards to classroom management, and I said, "they don't realize that hook doesn't even have to be there."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hung up on points, never asking myself if that hook even needs to be there in the first place, instead blaming the hook and believing my getting hung up is inevitable because of the nature of the hook. I realize I made the hook, I defined that point as worthy of hanging myself on. I hung myself on that hook. I realize that hook is thus my death, my stopping point in my process, until I can eradicate my participation in the creation and sustenance of the hook, and eliminate my participation in my own hanging.

When and as I feel "hung up" or stuck on a point, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to questioning the point itself. Why am I hung up on it, anyway? Does that point / hook even need to be there? What purpose does it serve? Is it best for all? Or am I just putting it there so I can have a place to hang around?



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto energetic experiences of any kind, positive or negative, as a stopping point for myself in my process, a hook on which to hang, or as an added layer between myself and myself as life.

I commit myself to moving through energy.
I commit myself to stability in all experiences.
I commit myself to my breath, commit myself thus to myself as life.
I commit myself to life and the value of life.
I commit myself to what is best for all.


Start your process: Desteni I Process Lite (Free!)

Filling the Void in Myself with My Breath - Day 131

I've been continuing to struggle a lot with anger and negative emotions, accompanied by self-pity and projection of blame. Most important to curtail here is the projection of blame. It's not like I've just been sitting with myself with my own emotions and supporting myself through those emotions. No, I've been experiencing the emotions and then immediately finding absolutely any excuse or reason I can to blame someone or something else for my emotions, including coming back to the grudge, or allowing thoughts of hopelessness about my job, which, up til this week, I was really enjoying.

But I can't allow it. I won't.

Today... I didn't focus on my breath. Not a lot, anyway. But this morning on my way to work, I did take a deep breath. And in that breath I remembered my breath. I mean I remembered my breath as me, and as a tool to support me. I was able to assist myself out of a lot of the negative energy and anger and blame through and as my breath. It didn't last all day, this increased awareness of myself as my breath. But today was a lot better than yesterday and the day before. And now I can reflect on a big part of why: My breath. And I can reflect on how I can support myself tomorrow: My breath. Always my breath.

In my last post I had mentioned how I had found some relief / respite, and a way to break down the wall in a way. And I had mentioned how soon after that relief, I felt emptiness, and then fear, and then the fear led to the creation of more anger and negative energy. I didn't know what to do with the empty space. I [thought I] needed something to hold onto.

So now I hold onto my breath, myself as my breath.

And I mean, I really am my breath, right? So to fill the void, fill the emptiness, fill myself up with my breath, is filling myself up with myself. Is embodying myself. Is being here with and as myself, in the physical. I mean we "know" this, but I rarely live it. That is what I am here to teach myself to do (like actually DO, not just "know" -- this is applied learning!), and what I learn from everyone else involved in this group all the time.

So, my breath. My breath, myself as my breath, filling myself up with my breath, thus filling myself up with myself... That is how I show up for myself. That is how I do not abandon myself in, to, and as negative energy, thoughts, judgments, etc. Because that is precisely what I have been doing -- abandoning myself and all as LIFE, by existing within and as my mind consciousness systems of anger and negative energetic experiences.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself and all as life, as one and equal as life, as what is here in the physical, by engaging in and entertaining mind energy, especially in this case anger, resentment, projection of blame, and other negative energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create negative energetic experiences for myself, experiences which I do not enjoy, and yet I do not relent, and I have not assisted or supported myself to release myself of the grasp of these energetic experiences.

I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to truly assist and support myself out of the negative energies, instead holding on tightly to them, as they hold on tightly to me, not realizing that within this I am abandoning myself and giving myself over to the false constructions of my mind as energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fully utilize my breath as the one and only truly necessary step to being here in the physical within and as myself as life, supporting myself to align myself within principles of equality and oneness and what is best for all through existing here as my breath in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embody myself as my breath in the physical so that without holding onto mind energy experiences, I feel empty, because I have not realized myself as here in my human physical body, always here, breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am empty and I have nothing if I do not have my anger and resentment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and nurture an affinity toward energetic experiences, especially negative ones, so as to "fill myself up" and give myself "meaning" and "definition."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to define myself as my breath, as life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand, until now, that whatever emptiness I believe I feel within myself, only I can fill, and it can only truly be filled by me, as my breath, in the here and now, in the physical, as life.

When and as I see myself feeling empty, as nothing, or hollow, I stop, and I breathe. I take a deep slow breath, in and out, and again. I fill myself with my breath. I realize that emptiness and nothingness is who I am as life, as a physical being, and so in this moment I continue to breathe, and I breathe until I am stable in nothingness. I continue this process until I am stable in nothingness, until I have released myself of all the energy I have created and hoarded and held onto.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always search for blame in someone or something else for why I feel the way I do, ie who I am accepting and allowing myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an even greater buffer between myself and my Self by first engaging in emotional energy, and then by creating the separation of projected blame. I commit myself to stop the blame.

When and as I see myself projecting blame or coming up with reasons or excuses or blaming another for who I am and how I feel, I stop and I breathe. I breathe deeply and slowly. I realize that I am creating my experience of myself and I am creating myself in every moment. I commit myself to creating myself as my breath in self honesty, self responsibility, and self support, as one, as equal, as life, as what is best for all.

A First Step in Continuing On - Day 115

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/my-dad-devil.html

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not believe what I was reading, to think perhaps it was a trick, it couldn't possibly be true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perseverate on the thought, "I will never meet him," where within this thought and my repetition of this thought I am getting myself stuck in a moment in time as the moment of this shift / change in physical reality and this new information, rather than integrating this change into and as myself, existent anew in every new moment of the here and now as what is here in physical reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat this thought in my mind as like a brick-by-brick thought-by-thought imprisonment of myself within the past of this morning of the moment I read those words and reacted, realizing that if I allow myself to repeat this thought, there in that moment in that reaction I will remain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder then, "What's next? What now?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the dissolution of the group, how things might crumble or fall apart, not realizing within this thought that here I am only really thinking about myself -- my own dissolution as my participation in this group, where here I am looking for an excuse or an out, a reason to stop, because here I believe that the group will not continue, the support will not continue, and/or the direction inasmuch as there has been a kind of "leader" will not continue, within this an energetic thought of like, "well, so much for that."

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself thus to be my own self directive principle within these thoughts of myself and my continued self education, direction, expansion, where within the thoughts above I am giving myself as my direction of myself over to the circumstances which have come to pass and my reaction to those circumstances, allowing myself to establish beliefs within my reactions, beliefs by which I will then direct myself, rather than continuing to direct myself within, as, by, and through my breath, in the physical, in self honesty and self responsibility, in honor of myself and all as life.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how the "group," just like all of humanity, is made up of individuals, and the individual direction determines the direction of the "group," just as of humanity, which is what we have been doing here all along, each changing our individual selves so as to contribute to and change the entirety of life. We are the group. We are humanity. I am the group. I am humanity.

So here now I commit myself to letting go of reactions to continue on into the next moment and all moments thereafter. I commit myself to continue to walk moment by moment, breath by breath, in each moment and breath in the physical of the here and now, as one individual for change, continuing my own self education, self direction, and self expansion, continuing in self honesty, self support, and self responsibility, continuing simply because it is what is best for all and I cannot deny that as the epitome of any life's purpose.



Thanks, Bernard. Thanks, every one.

Emotions, Responsibility, and Actual Forgiveness - Day 114

I'd been given an "assignment" so to speak to just breathe and slow myself down for about the last week.

I can't say it's been as deliberate a practice as I'd have liked, but that's okay -- it's a constant ongoing skill to learn and develop. I can say though that being given such a simple assignment as this as a practical and realistic step to assist and support myself helped me release some of the self judgment I'd been creating about what I do or do not or should or should not be doing all at once -- expectations I'd created about doing things, walking process, facing a particular point, a certain particular way.

And even though I was not totally aware of myself breathing at all times or totally aware of myself slowing down at all times during the last week, the mere fact that I did not have in my mind some standard or expectation for myself beyond these two things meant that I was not pushing myself forward as fast as I might normally, and I was not losing my breath as much by going into those judgments and expectations. So I was better able to stay here in each moment.

And the main thing that I have learned in this past week that has already supported me the next time it came around, which was last night, was to see how easy it is for me (and actually I have known this for many years, but have thought it is just "how I am" immutably, not something that I have any control over) to get really tripped up on, stuck in, and locked into emotional experiences. I mean the back chat is just so constant and so convincing, absolutely everything within an emotional experience directs me to stay there, or go further in, to become the victim, to be SO ANGRY, to blame, to get tied up in wanting consequences for others (or myself, depending on the situation), etc. etc. To be completely NOT HERE within an emotional experience.

So I saw that happening again last night as I reacted to something. I started with all this back chat, things I wanted to say, things I really believed. It feels like standing up for myself. It feels like having a back bone. But it isn't. It's actually a complete denial and rejection of myself. Because I am here, and I am life. And any denigration of another is a denigration of myself. And to not take responsibility for myself is the same as not supporting myself, because within this I am not honest with myself, and as such I am lying to, deceiving, manipulating, and abusing myself.

(And let's note here how cool this is! Earlier this week I was in the absolute midst of an emotional storm without awareness that it was a reaction, within belief that it was reality and true and an accurate representation of my physical experience. This time, rather than re-entering that same emotional energy, I was able to stop myself and at the very least see that it was a reaction, an experience of my own making.)

So self responsibility must be unconditional and absolute. In some ways, self responsibility is the same as self honesty is the same as self support. It's all one when applied.


It's a difficult point to navigate, to be sure: forgiveness of another. My tendency in my life, besides becoming very caught up in emotional turmoil and using it to justify my behavior and rage, has also always been to cut people off and build walls. So it's a really fine line for me, really fuzzy, between coming back to and focusing on myself, and cutting someone off. To come back to myself without at the same time saying / energetically participating as the thought, "Fine, I don't need you anyway, you're nothing to me," or to come back to myself without at the same time doing so as a way of retreating and evading, like as if evading a battle, wherein there are still sides and separation and judgment and blame. But neither is self-honest and neither is true self responsibility or self support -- it is simply a way to cope within and as my mind, still accepting and allowing the judgment and anger that I am trying to forgive.

It would be a lot easier for me to focus on myself if the person to whom I am reacting, the trigger, or the stimulus, wasn't in the picture. It's also easier on my ego, although that's not really the point, but is still a point to consider -- to not have to face another while feeling like / thinking / believing that another is also facing, watching me (which actually reopens a point I wrote on a couple weeks ago in private that I'd like to edit for easier / more appropriate / less specific sharing, perhaps at another time).


So I really have to do some actual re-prioritization within myself. Not within my schedule, but within myself, and this process, and who I am. Am I my own priority? Am I here for myself? Why? What does that look like? Can I let go of all those memories I'm holding onto that trigger emotional reactions that take me away from myself, away from here, away from self honest self responsibility and self support?

---

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the way I can or do support myself, judging always that I should be doing "more" that I should be taking on "more" and that I should be able to handle "more," not seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is me complicating matters and moving away from the simplicity that is my breath and awareness in every moment as the only absolute constant way to support myself.



Emotional Energetic Experience dimension:

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to, upon entering an emotional energetic experience, or when and as I see that I am within an emotional energetic experience, stop and breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotional energetic experience through my participation in the generation and maintenance and justification of back chat, judgment, blame, anger, resentment, and self victimization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck there, and to hold myself captive there within that experience, like luring myself into a prison and locking myself up there and not telling myself that I have the key or revealing to myself that I am the one who put myself in there in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to believe that I can be deceived by others and that others can manipulate me in general, an experience / perception to which I often react in emotional energetic experience, not seeing, realizing, or understanding how the process by which I participate in and maintain an emotional energetic experience is me deceiving and manipulating myself.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to blame others not only for my immediate reactions to them, but also then for the continuation, growth, and sustenance of the virus that is my emotional energetic experience, wherein I do not see realize or understand that I am the person who has accepted and allowed this experience within and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be honest with myself, not choosing to listen to myself in self honesty, instead listening to the voices in my head which are deceptive, self interested, egotistical, manipulative, arrogant, and only exist so as to entice me willingly into and as my mind experiences, fantasies, imaginations, and energetic reactions.

I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to really listen to myself, and also for not accepting or allowing myself to refine for myself who I am within self honesty so that I can tell more easily what is self honest and what is self manipulation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself as life as my human physical body and as myself through and as my mind as my willing participation in aiding and abetting the deception and manipulation within my mind, wherein I allow myself to become caught up in and locked into the emotional energetic experience as created through my mind, allowing myself thus to validate and justify this experience as real.


Self Responsibility dimension:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself within the thought / feeling that validating my own emotional energetic experiences is akin to "standing up for myself" or "having a back bone."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse self support with self survival.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take absolute and unconditional responsibility for myself, always turning all points back to myself because I am the catalyst for all that comes out of me, I am the origin and source of myself, I am the creator of myself, and also because I can only take responsibility for myself, and as such trying to take responsibility for another is a waste of myself, is not self honest, and is not self supportive.


Forgiveness dimension:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist forgiving another because I want to see another suffer or be punished or face consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so invested in and attached to retribution that I wish to by my own hand distribute consequences if this is seen as "necessary," doing so through engaging in manipulative tactics in order to have my will be done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only thus be looking and focusing my awareness outside myself, but also then moving outside myself, moving from a self dishonest starting point of trying to manifest consequences for another.

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts, judgments, and blame about another person and what I perceive as what they do or do not need to do, or should or should not have done, I stop and I breathe. I turn the points back to myself. What does it look like if I change the structure of the point to myself as the source? Can I see in myself that same point? Can I see in myself that same behavior? And, does it even matter? What can I control, for whom can I take responsibility? Only myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a pattern within myself of holding grudges or reacting in polarity wherein first I "like" another person but then I want to reject another person if/when I perceive that that person does not "like" me as a protective and defensive measure wherein I tell myself "I don't need them" or "they're nothing to me" or "they don't matter anyway."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself also to want to evade and hide during conflict so that in an effort to turn points back to myself and take responsibility for myself within my reactions, I confuse this with evading the other person and the situation, because these seem to look very similar although the starting points are very different.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to fear turning points back to myself and supporting myself because I fear that I will not be able to delineate between self honest self support and self deceptive evasion or rejection techniques which I have in the past used to support myself only as my ego, protecting my ego, as a coping mechanism as my reaction to conflict in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and recognize a "thin, fuzzy line" and so to fear that I cannot actually see that line and I cannot actually direct myself within self honesty to always ensure that my starting point in who I am is self honest and is from the starting point of self support and self responsibility, instead fearing that "the line is thin and fuzzy, so inevitably I will cross it, so it is best if I just do not go over there."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to limit myself from actual self support in self honesty and self responsibility because I have identified a "problem" but have refused to walk a solution.

So I commit myself to self awareness in self honesty and self responsibility in every moment in differentiating between the sides of this thin fuzzy line and determining for myself if my starting point in who I am is self honest.


Creation of a Grudge dimension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to cut another person "out of the picture" in order to deal with my reactions to / toward / about that person, because I see this as "easier" and also I see that I do not want to have to take full responsibility for myself within my present or future interactions, but instead feel ashamed / embarrassed about that which I have already seen in myself that I have not yet taken responsibility for, and also see that I am still reactive and pointing fingers in some other areas, and so to me it seems easier to just cut that person out, let that person go, sort it out, and try better next time, where next time might mean with a completely different person, so that within this the effectual result is yet another grudge, another hiding of myself, another running away and evasion of a "problem" so that I do not have to face myself as the other person to whom I am reacting.

Nonetheless I commit myself to give myself the time and space to support myself, yet again still always walking that fine line between self honesty and self deception, where external results may look the same, and so only I can know my starting point and only I can know if I am being self honest in who I am and the decisions I make. I commit myself to listening to what I communicate to myself as what I need in order to best support myself to really actually changing myself, wherein self change is the goal, and within self change I should thus then be able to face another person without reaction, and so therefore I commit myself to keeping this "in mind" within the understanding that if I do not change, I have not supported myself, and that I can tell if I have changed if/when/as I am able to face another without reaction.


Priorities:

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to make this process really absolutely unconditionally about myself. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to make my starting point from the start, myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk so many points with a self dishonest starting point, with ulterior motives, with thoughts and back chat and judgments always going through my mind all along. I forgive myself for this. I do not hold it against myself. I realize too that I am here now. Up until now is what has gotten me here. I would not be here if it were not for there, for then. I commit myself from here onward to make this process completely absolutely unconditionally about myself in self honesty, self support, and self responsibility, as one with and equal to all as life, as becoming this principle, as directing myself to be a living example and expression of what is best for all. A journey indeed!

Showing Up for Myself Part 2: Walking Through Points in Writing & the Writing Process - Day 87

This post is a continuation within a series:

Showing Up for Myself - Day 83
Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85
Showing Up for Myself Part 1.5: Abandoning Myself through Participation in My Mind - Day 86

Now I am moving on to the next point within the original post, which is in regards to resistance through a feeling of overwhelmingness when facing the writing process and thoroughly walking through points. 

Today I listened to The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Omnipresence of Self Judgment - Part 12 and it was very supportive on the topic of self judgment as well as resistance to writing -- highly recommended. 

I will copy and paste the section from the initial blog on which I am reflecting; feel free to skip it, or not, if you are reading along.

I feel a little bit overwhelmed at the great amount of points there are in front of me, that I've opened up but still need to explore more. I feel like I don't know where to start. Which is a familiar feeling, like for example last week I had to write a monthly report for work and I put it off because in my mind it was like some big thing and I was looking at the whole wall like how the heck am I going to get over that? Or like I just didn't want to put forth the effort to hurdle the whole thing, identifying the end point as my next step rather than the next step as my next step. Rather than simply taking the first step necessary and looking at what exactly needs to be done, then doing it. 

So within a feeling overwhelmingness it seems like a good plan/course of action to just start somewhere, and walk that first step with commitment and diligence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a sense of overwhelmingness to all of the points that I see in front of me that I have opened up but still need to explore further. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel "disorganized" within this and like the organization of my writing and of myself is "chaotic" and like I am going to lose track of something, some point, and thus lose track of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience points as "piling up" so that they are like a big pile that I must pick through and find what I have already written that is of substance. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to support myself by writing a point to completion to the best of my ability. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disconnected between days such that I have not wanted to continue on points in consecutive days and that if I have begun drafting about a point on one day, when I try to pick it up another day I have not been as interested in it or I have felt like it doesn't matter anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to actually really breathe through the process of writing myself out so that I can face this task with integrity and self honesty to actually look at myself and the points and write them out in a way that is self supportive and that actually assists me in creating change within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a writing automaton.  

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the number of points I see before me to walk, I stop and I breathe. 

I realize that my writing process is here for me to support myself within self honesty and self responsibility -- integrity. 

I realize that there is no point in writing if it is not self supportive, so I realize that placing pressure on myself to write every day is not self supportive. 

I also realize that even if I am going to write every day, I have only expected myself to write one blog each day, so here I can support myself to direct myself to select one point, and walk it, and do so with integrity. I have already seen how this is more efficient/effective and self supportive than allowing myself to write multiple points and not complete any of them. 

So I commit myself to walk this process day by day, breath by breath, and point by point within self honesty and self responsibility, thus integrity.

I will get into some new self forgiveness shortly, but of particular note in reflection on these above statements is that I have decided to support myself in the organization of my blog through taking some of the themes I have already seen emerging and gathering them into lists within a page on my blog so that I can see, for example, what I have already written on depression, resistance, migraines, friendships/relationships, tiredness, money and money management, etc. So I am working on compiling these lists into a page which will be linked at the top of my blog as reference for myself or anyone else interested in reading on these topics.

I also know that there are probably some points I do not particularly want to see. I'd like to think they're moot because they aren't right in front of me anymore; they've sort of "passed." But not really. They're still here. I'm just ignoring them, and they aren't yelling as loud. So this may well be one of the biggest contributing factors to my current state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run an energetic experience through its course and then when it is "over" to believe that it is really over and that there are no residual consequences which are influencing who I am as what I have just accepted and allowed without stopping or seeing or investigating myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to write out points as they come up even if only privately for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see myself privately so that I can at least see myself in that way but have only allowed myself to support myself publicly -- which is great, but paramount here is self-support, and if I can do this with greater stability and integrity in private, then this seems very necessary. 

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to write for myself in self support purely and absolutely, no matter the platform. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore certain points because I have not wanted to own them, I have not wanted to admit to myself or anyone else that they are mine, that they are points I have accepted and allowed myself to create and experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of these points, not realizing that these points are only who I am if that is what I accept and allow, and that within facing/writing the points, I am no longer accepting or allowing them as me. 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage through my shame of various points such that not only do I not release myself from the points through writing, first owning them and then rejecting them, but I also am thus directing myself in such a way that I will have to face the points again, and that the consequences will still be experienced within me.  

When and as I see myself avoiding facing or writing about certain points, I stop and I breathe. 

I realize that it is okay for me to write privately if this is helpful in actually writing -- many people do this and it makes perfect sense because the whole point of writing is to support myself, sharing is simply what is done for transparency and for sharing for the benefit of others. 

I realize that ignoring points and denying ownership is like tying myself to the points so that they are not only mine but are ME as who I am within accepting and allowing them to continue through my negligence and ignorance of them. 

I commit myself to supporting myself through energetic experiences and points to which I have an experience of shame through private excavation of myself, which will not only support myself within these points but also support myself within building self trust and feeling safe within and as myself to be a point of stability for myself, to provide myself with self support through writing, and to "show up" for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit down to write physically but within my mind I am thinking about what I want to do instead, or what I plan to do after I write, so that I am not really present or with myself, but am within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to direct my focus, attention, and energy toward seeing myself and supporting myself when I sit down to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to write, and to write from a starting point of that obligation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to "get through" the writing process so that it is done and I can say that I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort of "hold my breath" through the writing process such that I experience a kind of relieving "exhale" when I finally post, like I can finally breathe again.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to breathe through and as the writing process, with myself, in self support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this relationship with this writing process where it is like a chore and something to get through and a task during which I do not allow myself to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to assist and support myself through and as my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel chaotic in my writing, and like I am going to lose track of the strings of topics and points that I have written on, feeling overwhelmed at the massive amount of content I am producing, and plan to continue to produce, so that I feel stifled and like I have to "wade through" it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hoard blog posts, both finished and unfinished, and to sometimes hold onto one and not publish it because "what if I have a day where I really don't want to write, and then I can publish this one then instead?"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to walk points as they come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like "jot down" just a few sentences about a point that arises with the intention of expanding on it later, not realizing that the point is here now and so it is now that I can see it and now that I can support myself through it -- even in cases like when it is a general point that perhaps I am not presently experiencing but I am remembering that I have and often do experience, the moment that I am jotting it down is a moment where I see it, so I should really write it to the best of my ability for myself, not just "jot down for later."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that when I write blog post drafts, I am still writing, and although there is often some mind energy that is creating a resistance to completing and/or publishing those posts, I am still writing for self support within them -- in fact if I let go of the pressure/obligation to publish then I am left with only writing for myself, which is all I should be doing in the first place.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the writing of these drafts, believing that a writing session is only "good" or worthwhile if I have published it, thus not allowing myself to have self support within self honesty as my starting point for writing, but again almost always having the intention of publishing, the end result, as my starting point.

So I commit myself to releasing myself from the above self judgment and to instead see and utilize my blog draft writing as self-supportive writing of myself in self honesty, releasing myself from the pressure to publish within my ability to see myself clearly and self honestly, because it is within this pressure as this obligation that I have created the resistance in the first place -- how very counter productive.


Over the past 2 days since writing these reflections I have actually taken opportunities to write out points as I see them coming up, and to write really just for myself in self support, without the starting point of "writing a blog" to give a day count and to be able to check this task off my list. It has been really interesting so far and I am grateful to now see this use for the tool of writing where I can support myself in the moment of a reaction or in the moment of whatever it is that I am seeing in myself, and can support myself through that moment through writing. Today in particular I had a point of reaction and I was able to stabilize myself relatively well as well as discover, or perhaps rather admit to, many new things within that point that I had never allowed myself to fully see/admit in previous writing. The stimulus itself helped in seeing these things too, I'm sure.


Alright, so tomorrow I am thinking I will skip the weekly reflection and instead move on to the next point of this original post for this series, which is my commitment to read at least 3 JTL blogs per day to support myself as well as this community. But, we shall see, perhaps instead it shall be something else entirely! 

Showing Up for Myself Part 1: lONEliness - Day 85

I want to expand on the points that I wrote in Showing Up for Myself - Day 83. There was a lot going on there.

First: Loneliness; lONEliness:

I know that I feel lonely. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be here for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify voids within myself that I have believed must be filled by others, or if not others, substances (food, drink, drug), entertainment, products, and if none of this, then sleep. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to BE HERE for myself, to show up to support myself, to have the patience and integrity to see myself and to love myself unconditionally through self support. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from myself or from seeing myself through looking to outside sources of fulfillment or through believing that I am only worth whatever another person seems to treat me as being worth. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to make me feel okay or good. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is not something I can provide for myself. 

When and as I see myself feeling lonely, I stop and I breathe. 

I realize that within this I am looking for other people or other external forces to fulfill me. 

I realize that I am basically saying here that I cannot be okay until another person or thing makes me okay, and so within this I am giving myself an excuse/justification to just sit around and wait -- to not actually really be here for myself, to support myself, to find out how I can support myself or what the source is within myself that is creating this void and what source within myself can fulfill it. 

So when I see myself feeling lonely, I commit myself to looking for ways to build, foster, and grow a relationship with myself based in self support and unconditional love for myself as one as equal as life. 

I commit myself to show up for myself -- to not "blow myself off" or "flake" on myself like another person might do, but to be a consistent reliable source of support and stability for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to walk with myself, to be here present with myself, within my body, within and as my breath, supporting myself as life and through life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself time and again by not being here with myself in every moment in every breath, seeing and facing myself and meeting myself in self support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely when I am alone or even when I am with others, because within this I have identified within myself a void that I want someone or something else to fill and to fix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this as truth, never questioning whether or not someone or something else even can fill that void, never questioning how the void was formed, and never asking how I can fill it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at the mercy of this void, believing it to be absolute and natural and and simply "the way it is."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just sit around and wait for someone or something else to come along and make me feel whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be looking outside myself at others, at how they are (how I perceive them to be), and to then judge myself based on this, like I need to be a certain way in order for them to come and rescue me, in order for them to think I am worth their time, so that they will come fill my void.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in comparison to others, in the shadow of others, inferior to others, needing others, and within all of this denying, rejecting, disowning, and abandoning myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider others as their opinions, beliefs, likes, dislikes (or my perception/projection of these things, anyway), interests, hobbies, etc., and to then believe that this is better than who I am, like the person that I am in all of my interests, hobbies, appearance, opinions, beliefs, likes, and dislikes etc. is less than and inferior to all of these things of another person. So that here instead of asking myself what I think, or what I want, or who I am, I look to others to see who I perceive them to be, then define this as "better" and "superior" within the negligence to ask myself about myself, to look at myself, to be here with myself, to support myself in this moment of where I am within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend more time considering another person than I have spent considering myself within self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust others absolutely and to not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be within and as my mind with another person, thinking about that person, supporting another person through my beliefs about that person, like supporting them up to a higher level than myself by neglecting myself and believing this other person is greater than I, instead of supporting myself, being here with myself, as I am the only one who will ever really be here with me, and I am always with me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am always here with me and I am my greatest source of support and stability -- my only constant source of support and stability -- I am support and stability for myself within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have so often accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself, to believe others are better than me or more important, and to believe thus that I need them or need their approval in order to be "okay."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am lonely or alone because within this I am forgetting that I am here with myself, and that within self support in self honesty and self responsibility I am ONE of the all, whole, equal as life, never alone, always all one.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be ONE within and as myself -- WHOLE -- but have divided myself into personalities or projected myself out onto others or have believed that there are pieces of me missing which must be filled by sources outside of and separate from myself.


When and as I see myself feeling "lonely," I stop and I breathe.

I breathe consciously with awareness of myself as my breath, here in my physical body, in this physical environment.

I breathe with the awareness of my absolute ability to support myself, to trust myself, to guide myself.

I breathe within the awareness that I am ONE with and equal to all life, I am whole.

I realize that I am here.

I commit myself to returning myself as my awareness into and as my body as my breath within the physical.

I commit myself, like above, to developing and cultivating a self supportive relationship with myself, to love myself unconditionally, to diffuse self-doubt and self-judgment, and to direct myself within and as equality and oneness as what is best for all.

I commit myself to being here with myself, to showing up for myself, in self support, accompanying myself through and as life.


Next I will expand on the point of showing up for myself in writing through points. 

Work Ethic and My Nasty Nature - Day 66

Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments for I Work Hard, But Not at My Job - Day 65

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I work hard at my job, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as an excuse to not work hard in other areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert energy and effort and time into how to "get through" my day where I am not enjoying my job or being present with my job responsibilities but am instead engaging in near constant backchat, dissatisfaction, justification, and even distraction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my working hours as time to distract myself, perform mindless tasks on my phone, and to engage in other self-interested pursuits such as reading desteni blogs, which is in no way a part of my job description. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ignore my work and what I was supposed to do at work in favor of silly phone games or reading blogs or checking facebook. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up within and as my mind, my thoughts, my self-interest, my distractions, and my beliefs that I react with anger or resentment or impatience when another person requests or demands my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label this job as "too easy" and that within this I have found reason to be dissatisfied, to disrespect the job, to feed my ego as me being more important than this job, better than this job, too good for this job. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to take this opportunity to enjoy the ease of the job, or to create challenges for myself and do an above average excellent job. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter, angry, and resentful within this job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so fucking ugly at this job. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to, deceive, and manipulate myself and others within this job and my performance at this job, where I have deliberately ignored and denied that I am not doing a good job, have justified/excused my poor job performance/work ethic, and have blamed anyone but myself for all of this. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed any of this to get this far.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on this job when I found out it would be temporary. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react within blame, judgment, anger, resentment, and as my ego and pride when I found out this position would be temporary, when I was effectively let go. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to be present in each moment of this job, to see the challenge of each moment, to meet the challenge of each moment, and to direct myself in self-honesty as what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to respect and appreciate the opportunity I have had in having decent paying employment in my field until I was able to secure a new job. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see how disgusting and disgraceful this is. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to do all of this under so many various justifications and excuses, including that it is a temporary position and that because it is temporary, I am not invested, and I do not "have to" do a good job. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place my motivation for doing a good job outside myself, where it has been external influences which I have allowed myself to blame for not doing a good job, and it has also been external lacks which I have blamed for not allowing myself to do a good job. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to do a good job for and as myself as what is self-honest and best for all. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and then sustain through my participation all of these layers of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, reactions, and other self-interested pursuits such that I have been extremely dissatisfied in my job and have only fed and fostered that dissatisfaction, until I have created for myself a depressed state. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think some of the nastiest things I have probably ever thought in relation to this job and my assignment. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really see myself within these thoughts but instead separated myself from my work self such that I excused and justified the person I allowed myself to be at work through blaming my supervisors, blaming my assignment, blaming the temporary status, blaming memories of my old job, blaming all of the many things I thought I could not control, where here I abdicated responsibility for myself within the belief that I could not control myself, that it was all of these various factors that were what were making me this way, this nasty way, and thus within this I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take ownership of myself, to see that I am always myself, who I am in every moment is who I am as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be: no one but myself creates me. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see just how problematic all of this really was sooner, that it took me entering a depressed state for me to realize the consequences of what I was accepting and allowing within myself. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see myself earlier, to deal with all of this earlier, to face each of those thoughts and beliefs and backchats as they came up so that I could expand myself as my understanding of myself and direct myself within self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to face myself in this sooner so that I could do a better job for the person who was most affected by my job: my assignment. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the independence afforded me in this job, to abuse the lack of supervision, to abuse my power in relation to this person, to abuse this person, and to abuse myself by not taking responsibility for myself or being honest with myself. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this abusive unequal relationship where I have only been equal to and one with that which I have created myself to be, which is ugly and nasty and abusive. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exert so much of myself into creating myself as this nastiness. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see sooner the ease and freedom in releasing myself from my self interest within and as my mind and allowing myself to exist in the moment in self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself the room to breathe here in this moment. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choke and suffocate and strangle myself with my self interest, where here I have seen that once I finally allowed myself to breathe and to see myself and to take responsibility for myself in each moment in each breath, to release myself from my mind, to not carry my thoughts and back-chats around with me like heavy weights or reasons to continue in those negative energies... here I have seen ease, freedom, stability, growth, expansion, and a sense of finally having room to breathe, fresh air, not the recycled stuffy polluted air of my mind. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wait so long to discover that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to vaguely with ill-formed rationale blame Desteni for who I have allowed myself to be in this job. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflictual mind energy around what I have perceived about Desteni and what I have perceived about this job without actually seeing either or seeing myself as what is common sensically and self honestly best for all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistake my relationship with and perceptions about and reactions to Desteni as actually Desteni or as what is self-honest or what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxieties and self doubt about myself and my work abilities by observing myself within this job, by seeing how I have been within this job, but by not seeing how I have accepted and allowed and thus created myself this way, and not seeing that I can create myself any way, I can direct myself any way, and that if I take responsibility for myself within self honesty, and if I have a little confidence in myself, then I can do an excellent job, because I am well-equipped and well-prepared to work in this field. 

by Rozelle De Lange

When and as I see myself participating in backchat, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interest, I stop and I breathe. I realize that justifying and allowing myself to continue on these courses is how they become me, and I become them. I realize that I am whoever I accept and allow myself to be, as whatever I accept and allow myself to do, think, say, believe, want, need. I realize that when I am actually SEEING myself doing this, I am in the position to stop it. I commit myself to really actually fucking stopping it when I see it so clearly as I have in this job. I commit myself to not ignoring it or denying it or justifying it or rationalizing it. 

When and as I see myself experiencing dissatisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there are probably backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests that I am not seeing or recognizing clearly. So here I commit myself to watch myself to see myself to investigate myself and see who I really am here. 

When and as I see myself experiencing dissatisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that allowing myself to continue in dissatisfaction, to continue to feed my dissatisfaction through and as my backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests, is to set myself on the course for an experience of depression, because within all of this I am abdicating responsibility for and as myself, I am lying to myself and not being self-honest, and therefore it only makes sense that I will experience mental/mind dis-ease, that I will begin to feel hopeless and helpless within the constructs I have made for myself in my mind, where when I allow these backchats, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, or self-interests, there is no way out: when I am dissatisfied, there is no way to be satisfied. I realize these are all structures I have constructed in my mind as what I have accepted and allowed within myself. I commit myself to free myself of the structures of my mind, of the rigidity of my mind, of the constraints of my mind. I commit myself to release myself from and as being the wants and needs and desires and fears of my mind. I commit myself to stop being controlled by my mind as the system I have installed in my mind. 

When and as I see myself limiting myself within my beliefs about myself in my work abilities and capacities, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am well prepared and equipped and qualified for the jobs that I have been offered and have held. I realize that if I apply myself in self honesty and self responsibility, I can achieve much more than I can even imagine. I realize that I am not expected to be perfect by anyone but myself. I realize that I am likely not seen as a failure by anyone but myself. I realize that all of the reactionary emotions and beliefs that I have created about my new job and myself in my new job are exactly my own creation and nothing else, and thus this is how I am creating myself, so I realize that moving forward toward my new job in fear and apprehension and self doubt will manifest failure. I commit myself to take practical steps to prepare myself for this job, such as reading the PBIS website, reading books pertinent to the population with which I will be working, and maintaining openness within my mind where I do not allow myself to imagine or expect any particular thing but realize that I cannot know and must "wait and see." I commit myself to creating myself in self-honesty and self-responsibility as equal and one to all life as what is best for all, as the creator and destroyer of myself as who I accept and allow myself to be.