I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect and want and hope for a "meaningful" conversation with another person with whom I feel I am in conflict, within this believing that having a "meaningful" conversation is the only way to solve the conflict, and within this also reacting to memories of specifically the 4-hour conversation I had with my dad the night that I decided to stop talking to him, wherein I blamed him for being incapable of having a conversation that had productive results.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have within my own mind my own "solution" to a "problem" where this solution requires another person engaging in a conversation the way that I want them to engage in said conversation, so that if the other person does not engage in the conversation in that way, I am stuck without a solution.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my way of resolving conflict is the only or best way of resolving conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require the other person to "cooperate" with what I want / I see as the best solution in order for there to be a resolution.
I forgive myself therefore for not accepting or allowing myself to have a meaningful conversation with myself, where here firstly I know that I have a specific definition for "meaningful" that I project onto others when I expect or want or hope for a "meaningful" conversation with them, and so here it is obvious however that what makes a "meaningful conversation" is different for different people, but obviously it is the same for myself, and so I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am already on the same page with myself and so I am a good person for myself to communicate with. So secondly thus I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to engage in and have a meaningful conversation with myself, with whom I really am in conflict, as myself, within this having the goal of solving the conflict within and as myself by conversing and communicating with myself and coming to understand myself and then forgive myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to forgive myself without first understanding myself. I realize that within this I am abusing the tool of self forgiveness, or putting the cart in front of the horse.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am in fact in conflict with myself, not another person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my solution, as my well-being, my ability to move on and let go, my ability to heal, and even my ability to take responsibility for myself, be contingent on another person's behavior or "cooperation" with me.
When and as I see myself wanting to engage in conversation with another person about "our conflict," I stop and I breathe. I realize this is my conflict, and that I am only ever in conflict with myself. I realize my reactions are mine in their totality. I realize my anger and other emotions is mine, and it is either really at myself, or it is based on and birthed from my own memories, experiences, and what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself. I realize that if it were not for my ongoing lack of self honesty, self support, and self responsibility, I would not ever be in conflict with myself or anyone else. I commit myself to the realization that this "conflict" is with myself, and this "grudge" is really against myself, and that any conversation or understanding that needs to take place is only within and as myself. I commit myself to understanding myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to first begin to think and then reinforce through completion of thought, repetition of thought, validation of thought among personalities, thoughts that serve as reasons, excuses, and justifications I have for being mad.
When and as I see myself coming back to all of the reasons, excuses, and justification I have for being mad, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to even finish this thought. I realize that by allowing this thought to exist is allowing myself to exist as this thought. I realize that allowing this thought to run to completion is embedding the thought within and as myself as who I am. I do not allow these thoughts, and I do not allow myself to be these thoughts. I breathe until I am stable and I continue to write out this point until it is done.
Related posts:
- Conflict Character - Day 73
- Holding Grudges and Retribution - Day 96
- Having Things "My Way" - Day 97
- Betrayal - Day 104
- The Grudge - Day 105
- Hindsight? Why Not See NOW? - Day 106
- SF in Response to Forum Post Pt. 1 - Day 112
- Forgiveness Defined - Day 113
- Emotions, Responsibility, and Actual Forgiveness - Day 114
- I am Not a True Friend - Day 118
- Learning to Let Go - Day 121
- The Sailor and the Storm Within - Day 122
- Getting Unstuck & Taking Responsibility - Day 125
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