RE-SPECT: Find out What it Means to Me - Day 116

Today was the first real day at my new job (previously I'd had training). The teacher of one of the classes I sat in on was going over the school handbook with the students, and when he got to the word "respect" he made sure that the students understood what it meant.

The meaning he gave was beyond the meaning I had been aware of. Basically he pointed out that "spect" refers to seeing or looking, as in "spectacles" or "spectator." Then, with the addition of "re," a word-forming element meaning "back to the original place; again, anew, once more," "respect" becomes to look at or see another as you look at or see yourself, or look at or see another as you would like others to look at or see you. Sounds familiar, no? Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Also to see yourself in others, by which we realize ourselves as one and equal, and can turn points back to ourselves to take self responsibility; "seeing back to the original place."

The dictionary says something else:
re·spect
/riˈspekt/
Noun
A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Verb
Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

So according to the dictionary, respect is a feeling-state of admiration that is contingent on perception / interpretation of another person's abilities, qualities, or achievements. Even as a verb, this definition of respect is limited to an internal feeling-state, and not action or behavior. I think I like the math teacher's definition a lot better.

Earlier in the day I'd had a conversation with the principal and a student where I mentioned respect for self and respect for others. After the student left the principal told me that he doesn't really like to talk about respect because kids think that they shouldn't have to respect anyone who doesn't respect them, and they also think "I don't respect that person, so I don't have to treat them a certain way." So apparently the principal tells the kids he doesn't care about respect, instead encouraging them to create "personas" and "facades" in order to behave a certain way regardless of their internal feeling state in terms of respect.

I mean in some ways this "works" in the sense that yeah, it gets you through the day. But it doesn't really work because it's not honest, so it's not sustainable, and as a starting point it won't really get you anywhere. I mean we shouldn't be teaching that it's okay not to respect someone (anyone!), and we shouldn't be teaching that it's okay to create facades for ourselves as the presentation of who we are. We shouldn't be teaching the kids how to ACT a certain way, we should be supporting them to BE a certain way: self honest and unconditionally respectful, regardless of behavior, merit, achievements, abilities, etc., within the realization that we are all one and equal. We should be teaching them how to take responsibility for themselves by seeing themselves and who they are in all points.

So it will be interesting to see how my job unfolds in general, as there is a lot up in the air. I can see though that I am meeting some uncertainty within myself in terms of trying to fit into a standard that already exists in order to do my job "well" (so, a facade basically) versus being honest and really doing the best job I can do (within which I of course have to constantly check myself, because just because I disagree with some of the set standards does not necessarily mean that I yet know a better way).

This topic also brings up a memory for me of one father's day when my family went out to dinner at a semi fancy restaurant, and my dad told us that he wanted his father's day present from us to be to treat him like the father we wished he was. And we all reacted quite strongly and angrily to this, like he's the parent, why should we treat him that way, does he really think that's going to change anything? Reflecting back, maybe it would have, maybe it could have. So our egos as children were in the way of taking the first step to respect our father as ourselves, to maybe shift and change the relationship that had been established as a standard status quo.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have within myself a conception of the word "respect" as being a feeling state that only occurs if / when I create a feeling of admiration for another person based on their merits, behaviors, qualities, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thus to use respect as a commodity that I can either keep or give away based on my reaction to another person not as who they are but as what they do.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to respect all other individuals as myself as one and equal as life as what is best for all, each of us a living being deserving of respect, deserving of having done unto each of us what we would have done unto another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my dad should have treated us a certain way before we would treat him back a certain way. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim as the child as the person who cannot or should not have to take the first steps, or any steps, toward promoting a supportive equal and one relationship between parent and children. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist immediately without any contrary consideration the idea of changing my own attitude and behavior toward my dad within the realization and understanding that it takes at least two people to create a relationship dynamic.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how respecting another as I respect myself or as I would have another respect me is the same as taking responsibility for myself within doing everything that is within my power and control to bring about a world standard that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself within my job performance already on the first day, and to fear potential disagreement or conflict or conflict of my interest in terms of how I would like to do my job versus what is expected of me in doing my job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry what will happen if I continue to disagree with things that coworkers say about their philosophy / approach in supporting the students.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a little bit ahead of myself as the present moment within my mind by worrying about how this all might unfold and making assumptions about how it "is" when actually no matter how it "is," it is going to change, because that's why my position was made -- I was hired in order to help create change in the philosophy of the school's approach with supporting the students. Which is cool!

So I commit myself to continue to take the job one day at a time, one breath at a time. I commit myself to constantly checking in with myself so that I can really be there to support the students and communicate effectively with the staff / my coworkers. I commit myself to considering at all times what changes I might suggest and how to implement the best support for the success of the students and getting them back into regular school programs. I commit myself to being open to suggestions and observing the way things are already being done, and within this remaining self honest and self responsible in terms of how I move myself within this context. I commit myself to patience and understanding. I commit myself to cooperative collaboration. I commit myself to dedication to changing this school and supporting the students. I commit myself to respecting myself and respecting all others as one as equal as life as what is best for all.