Not Communicating My Intent - Day 129

Intent definitely seems like one part of boundaries. It is showing where I am, giving the other person the opportunity to know this and then make a decision for themselves based on how they may or may not want to respond. It is also giving myself the opportunity to openly and honestly communicate myself (if I am first being self-honest within my intent). It is something I am still very unclear on, though, and the confusion I have over it leads me to believe that I have developed a misconception of what it means to communicate openly and honestly while still maintaining self-responsibility -- because if I am this confused, then it must not sit right with me in self-honesty. It is a "rule" I have been trying to follow simply because I have perceived it as a "rule" of how to "do things right" -- something that I interpreted and adopted from conversations with another, which may or may not have even been communicated accurately in the first place, let alone interpreted and integrated by me accurately. It is not something I have experienced for myself as being effective. Instead throughout my life I have found that, if and when open honest communication between two parties is possible, this is an effective course of action for resolving conflict or coming to mutual understanding.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to communicate myself as my intent in interactions with other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself first to create expectations of other people, and then second to not communicate at all that this is my expectation / what I want, instead just expecting them to somehow magically know as if they have the ability to read my mind, what I want / expect from them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid and suppress my desire for honest open communication because I have created a belief that "I should be able to just do this by myself," or, "I should be able to just handle this by myself" etc.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself or others to engage in meaningful open honest communication / conversation because I am bottling up and holding in who I am within the belief that I am not supposed to share myself and I am supposed to just take responsibility for me and not worry about anyone else / not expect anyone else to care at all or be impacted or need to know about what is going on for me, that my reaction "to" them is not something that they should (have to) know about / it is not appropriate for me to tell them because "my reaction is mine."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this belief and further believe thus that what another person does does not matter, they do not have to change, I am the only one who has to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret what I was told and then perceive and believe that I am just supposed to keep things to myself as whatever I am facing rather than communicating with the other person involved about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to struggle with this in part because I have struggled to find quite the right words to describe this belief I have had.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow this belief as if it is a rule within some kind of social order / conduct handbook that I have not received but others seem to share.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself to operate as a person that I am not yet, because if I am "supposed" to basically keep things to myself and not concern myself with informing the other person of my intent / expectations / wants / needs so as to communicate openly and honestly, I have not yet really understood this and so why am I trying to live it?

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to listen to myself, where here I say: "I would like to talk about this openly and honestly with this person," instead listening to the voices in my head that tell me this is inappropriate and the opposite of taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go ahead and try to have those "open honest conversations" but not state that it is my intent to do so, so that when the communication I receive back is "insufficient" I go into reaction and blame and judgment, not realizing that the other person is not me, they do not have access to my mind, and there are many ways that the conversation was not started out correctly.


I commit myself to first and always check in with myself to see who I am in each moment that I have a desire to communicate something to / with another person. I commit myself to first communicate with myself through writing to see if I can sort it out by myself. I commit myself then to if I choose to maintain some kind of expectation or want from another person, state my intent, so that the other person knows where I am and what I want, and they then can make an informed decision based on where they are and who they are and what they want. I commit myself to be open and honest with myself and with others so that I do not have to guess or wonder or blame or judge within my mind, but can simply see and act within the physical.



Examples:

• Intent to eventually potentially someday possibly maybe have a relationship / agreement -- not communicated, instead bottled up due to a variety of reasons, not the least of which was a fear of rejection and also self doubt over what I really even wanted, but now is never a possibility because I never communicated it in the first place. And that is fine, I am okay with that, but it is here to serve as an example of how my not communicating my intent ended up with consequences that I could not control, whereas if I had communicated my intent perhaps a different decision would have been made either long ago or now or later, or perhaps the same outcome would be here but with a different understanding / perspective (perhaps I would have let go of this desire/hope by my own volition within new understanding through communication). 
• Intent to have a meaningful conversation where I can share myself and my experience and be heard, the other might also then share, and perhaps we can come to understand each other in the aftermath of all of our secrets which we did not originally communicate -- not communicated and so when the response I received was not what I had in part expected, I reacted, again as I said above not realizing that I did not even communicate my intent to have that kind of conversation, and they cannot read my mind, so maybe there was just a misunderstanding, which is certainly no reason to get so upset on my part. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in blame and anger and judgment toward another when I have not effectively communicated myself as my intent. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset and emotionally reactive at what I perceive as being self-irresponsible within another when I have not ever really taken responsibility for myself in a comprehensive self-honest way, in some parts because it is a skill I am still learning, in other parts because I simply have chosen not to / have been more interested in my own self-ish-interest. 

I commit myself to realizing my responsibility past and present and to stop projecting blame and judgment onto another for not being a certain way because I myself have also not been that way either.