What am I doing to my body within my mind that makes me "tired'? Why does sleep feel like such a relief within my mind when I imagine it, and sometimes in reality when I go into it and wake from it? (Other times sleep becomes that battle of judgment and fear where when I wake up I do not want to get up, I am simply avoiding/evading life/myself) Is sleep sometimes the only time I allow myself to really actually stop and just breathe, even if I am not aware? Within sleep I am usually, unless I engage in disruptive dreams or surely if/when I wake up and experience friction within myself, but usually within sleep I am shutting off my mind, escaping from my mind. So it is MIND ENERGY, not a lack of physical energy, which sends me to sleep, where I find sleep as my last resort, my escape from myself as my mind, as all that I am inflicting upon myself through and as my mind as my thoughts, beliefs, judgments, fears, worries, etc. So sleep is not only a way to evade and avoid myself within all of this, but it is also like a way in which my body realizes that I am unrelenting within my mind, that I will not quit, I will not see, so I might as well sleep to give myself some rest, to disengage from the mind. Like my body taking over and telling me ENOUGH, let me sleep, give it a rest.
So it isn't really "life" itself that "makes me want to sleep," but my relationship with life and the tasks of life and my relationship with myself and all that I accept and allow within my mind which tires me.
Perhaps however that would only really make sense if I was a narcoleptic, because I still make the decision to sleep. What part of me is directing that decision, and how can I direct myself to do something else more productive (stop, breathe, look at myself, write)? Is the above simply a justification for allowing myself to evade/avoid myself through sleep? Certainly this framing of this dynamic, if nothing else, will assist me in seeing how my participation within my mind affects my body, affects me, and thus how it is the mind energy itself which I must face and address, or to simply stop and breathe, to let it go.
This is only sometimes. Other times I am moved to sleep through my mind, not as a reaction to my mind, but as a way to truly evade and avoid responsibility when my body is not even tired, when my body has not yet had enough, but I am still unrelenting, I am refusing to stop and breathe. Is that even really so different, though? If I truly tire out my body as a consequence to my participation in the mind, then I guess the best way at that point that I can assist and support myself, if I am really tired, is to rest/sleep. But if I am not really actually physically tired, then no matter why I want to sleep, whether it is as an escape from life through my mind or as an escape from my mind -- really kind of the same thing here, because I am interpreting "life" through my mind and thus still escaping my mind -- either way I need to look at myself as my mind, as within both of these examples my participation within my mind is either what is creating my reality as "life" as being something from which I want to escape, or my participation within my mind is in itself taxing and tiresome and not self supportive, regardless of whether or not it leads me to want to sleep. Wanting to sleep is simply the most common symptom of participation within my mind, another example being migraine, illness, or other physical pain.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how what I participate within and as in my mind, what I accept and allow myself to think, believe, perseverate on, imagine, worry about, etc., affects and undermines my body and myself as who I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to consider the physical energetic tax on my body when and as I participate within and as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think / assume / believe that when I am "tired" I am simply "tired" and it is only a physical experience and only needs to be addressed physically.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to so often give in to this physical sensation of "tiredness" without investigating why I am tired even though I have gotten plenty of rest, have fed my body well, and have gotten some physical activity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape "life" through my mind with the behavior of sleep, where it is through my mind that I justify engaging in sleep and/or tiredness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress out my body through my participation within and as my mind, to the point that my body has enough and manifests consequences such as tiredness, migraine, and other bodily pain.
I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to escape my mind through my body by engaging in sleep or by allowing physical pain to manifest.
I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body through my participation within and as my mind.
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to examine why I feel tired given that my physical needs are met. I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to ask questions and investigate the real reasons behind my experience of myself, through what I am accepting and allowing within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide myself such that parts of myself are like at war with each other, my body against my mind, my mind against my body, and myself not really doing anything to mediate or unify myself as self, body, and mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get to the point within my mind that my body cannot withstand the energetic pull any longer and manifests consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the manifested consequences within my physical body, not allowing myself to see the function of these "behaviors" of my body, wherein my body is communicating to me that I am accepting and allowing something that is self-abusive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just automatically exist within and as my mind, never having before seen realized or even remotely understood the consequences this has on me and my body, and my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to basically just be directed by my body or by my mind as reactions and consequences, rather than being my own self directive principle, where within this it is now all the more clear that in order to be my own self directive principle I have to take absolute responsibility for myself, my entire self, including my body and mind, and so I have to know and understand myself, how I work, and why these reactions/consequences which I have allowed to direct me are occurring.
I forgive myself therefore that I have not accepted or allowed myself to actually listen to, understand, and support myself as my body or as my mind, seeing and understanding what needs must be met that I am not meeting for myself in these most basic of ways, and then directing myself to support and meet those needs.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to listen to myself as my entire self, only ever listening to my "higher functioning cognitive self."
So when and as I see myself feeling tired and wanting to sleep, I stop and I breathe. When and as I see myself experiencing any kind of physical reaction or consequence or experience, I stop and I breathe. I ask myself why. I check in with myself as my body -- have I met my body's basic physical needs? I check in with myself as my mind -- what am I accepting and allowing within and as my mind? I ask myself what effects may be occurring between my body and mind within and as myself as a consequence of my participation within and as my mind. I realize now that if I am one whole, which I am, then these parts of me must co-exist in symbiosis, and so if one part of me is "suffering" then all of me is "suffering," and if I am neglecting one part of me, then I am neglecting all of me, or neglecting to understand the effects of that negligence. I realize now that my physical body "suffers" consequences of what I accept and allow within and as my mind. So I commit myself to furthering my understanding of this (I have read for example that the mind takes energy from the body -- where can I learn more about this?), and I commit myself to examining and investigating myself as what I have accepted and allowed within and as my mind and how that might be impacting myself as my body. I commit myself to listening to and understanding myself as my body, and meeting the needs of my body, whether that means "positive" support of giving my body certain activities or forms of sustenance, or "negative" support of disengaging from my participation within and as my mind, so as to equalize myself within the equilibrium of my body, mind, and self.
There is a little bit of conjecture here as this is an area in which I have a limited cognitive understanding, and so doubt myself, but have come to these realizations mainly through writing and self-reflection. Next will be research as well as some lived application / living reflection. If anyone has any further insight or perspective on this topic and would like to share, that would be really cool.
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