"Love and Light" at its Finest: A Day at the Yoga Studio - Day 74

Because Ignorance is Bliss

An interesting thing happened at my yoga studio today. I was working the front desk and one of the 4 owners was hanging out in the lobby while a class and teacher training were occurring in each of the studios. I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the first part of the interaction, but a man came in and sat down and chatted with the owner. He mentioned something about taking a shower, which is what he then went and did. While he was in the shower, the owner came to me and asked if I had caught his name, as she had already forgotten. We did some "sleuthing" to try and figure out who he was -- he had apparently told her that he had just started working the front desk as well, but we don't have many men who go to the studio, let alone work the front desk.

We didn't get very far in our sleuthing before he came back out. The owner asked him what shift he works and when he answered I realized that there was a male's name written in by hand on the schedule for that shift, so I saw his first name. He was already starting to get a little defensive at this point, but in an apologetic way, like he was saying he was sorry if he was overstepping his boundaries by coming in just to use the shower, he'd fallen on some "hard times," etc. I asked him what his last name was which apparently seemed again like an attack to him, because after he answered he became more defensive and pointed out how all of a sudden we were asking who he was and everyone had previously been very welcoming but here he didn't feel welcomed and he guesses he's just insecure. I looked him up on the computer and he has not taken any yoga classes, but he did indeed start working the front desk just one week ago, so he had worked one shift. He said that he had talked to one of the yoga teachers who had recommended that he sign up to work the front desk, as this grants free yoga for that person, and he said "I want more yoga in my life" (even if all he really wants is more showers in his life, so what, if he's willing to work especially?).

He mentioned a lot about how he had fallen on hard times, and isn't a yoga studio supposed to be about welcoming people? "Everyone here is so beautiful, I want to feel beautiful." He also made some seemingly bitter remarks about how everyone seems well-off financially, and so he clearly felt separate and like no one would be able to understand or relate to his situation, and he maybe also felt angry that others have fortune that he does not. He asked me if I had ever felt insecure and I said, of course! Every day! So he seemed to be in a mindset that his life experiences were so very different from others simply because others had money -- in some ways this is true but in other ways not. Personally I noticed I felt frustrated with the assumptions because not everyone who goes to that studio lives in that city, myself included, and we are not all that well-off financially (although many are somewhat mind boggling wealthy).

The owner wasn't very responsive -- she just kind of said "yeah that's tough" to everything he said about having lost his house and having nowhere to go. I couldn't see her face from where I was sitting. I was trying to just observe and get a handle on what was happening. I felt like it would have been appropriate for him to speak more about what his intentions were -- here he was actually working for the studio and just wanted to use the shower, is that okay? You know like actually ask for the favor he was hoping to receive. But I also thought that the owner could have been more communicative with what she thought of him and what her expectations were of a person who wants to shower at the studio, so that he wasn't having to guess and wasn't feeling like he had to defend himself against this person who he perceived as disapproving of him. But she wasn't really saying much of anything one way or the other, and eventually he left in a bit of a huff.

During the interaction I wanted to stay out of it because here is one of the owners and I am just a work exchange volunteer and so it's really not my place to try to get in the middle of this conversation, but I also felt like neither individual was communicating well so I noticed I had this desire to sort of mediate, like literally sit down with the two of them and talk it out and reach an understanding/clarification, but I did not feel like this was "my place" to do such a thing. After he left I went and sat next to the owner to find out what she thought since she hadn't shown much reaction while he was there.

What happened next was the part that was most surprising to me. She kind of spilled her reaction out at that point which quickly escalated as others who were in the room joined in and pretty soon everyone was talking about how that guy was "so defensive!" and "I didn't feel safe" and "did you notice how we stayed in the room because we didn't want to leave you alone because that guy was so x y and z?" and "his energy was just so _____," "I could just feel his energy," and on and on with their own reactions about how he/his energy was bad. So first we had this man reacting in defensiveness, and then we have a reaction to his reaction, and it was really quite fascinating to watch how everyone seemed to base their behavior as their presentation of themselves in this situation off of their assumptions/projections/reactions, and no one seemed very willing to just meet "eye-to-eye" with a mutual understanding of actual communication and seeing others as actual human beings rather than as characters or personas to which they could react/blame/create drama around/feel victimized and like this had been some terrible occurrence.

So here it was like these people were all conversing somewhat excitedly about their reactions to this man and in remembrance of the incident they blew it up to be something it was not within their reactions and their beliefs that they had just created about who this man is and what this interaction meant, rather than simply being present (and responsive!) in the interaction itself. It's like they were paralyzed by fear within the moment itself and then after the moment passed they reflected on it as their fear, so that what they saw in memory was not what had actually happened but simply how they created themselves to feel and then further reactions to that feeling.

From there, more owners got involved. I stated my perspective when asked and suggested talking to the teacher he said had referred him in order to get more info, then my shift was over and I took a yoga class. But I actually got called out of my yoga class about 35 minutes into it in order to speak with one of the owners who was not present on the phone about what had happened. He told me that he was going to send out an email to everyone who works at the studio stating that this man was not allowed anywhere near the front desk or near the building and that if anyone ever saw him they should call himself or his dad immediately, and/or "the authorities." I just said "ok" because this owner is basically my boss. But then he asked me what my take was, so I told him that while I did have a bit of my own uncomfortable internal reaction, I in no way felt "unsafe" and the man did not raise his voice as some had claimed he did and it seemed like his defensiveness was just coming from a place of miscommunication. I said that this seemed like an opportunity to reach out to someone who needs some assistance and to bridge the gap of misunderstanding. He said that he understood but that at this point he could not do that because of what certain individuals had already expressed as how they felt, and he could not allow them to be exposed to this man's energy again.

So this was disappointing because although I cannot judge how another person actually felt, and although I am not an owner of this studio and the owners can do whatever they please, I can say that there was really absolutely nothing unsafe about that situation, and that we create, accept, and allow our feelings/reactions, and therefore this opportunity to support a member of the community is lost simply because some people decided to feel a certain way rather than open themselves up to the possibility that here is a fellow human being who is interested in becoming involved at the yoga studio and is interested in receiving some of this "love and light" and support that the yoga community espouses to be all about. So here was an opportunity for the yoga studio as an organizational point in the community to "walk" its "talk" and they blew it... which is becoming a more and more common (or visible?) occurrence at this studio, I am observing.

They shut him out for being human, for showing them parts of themselves they did not want to see.

It was also very interesting to see how much people mentioned the man's "energy" as if "his energy" was offensive, when we know that no person or situation or anything outside of oneself can make oneself feel a certain way. So the individuals here, and myself many times, have created our own energy around a situation and then have projected it outward as if it has been sourced by some external influence or as if another person's "energy" is something they can emit and transmit into you to force you to experience it against your will. How ridiculous!!!


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create energy and then blame that energy on another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to notice my energetic state and to identify it as being sourced outside of myself, as if it exists separate from me and is pinned on someone/something else, and that I am being exposed to and thus a victim of it. I forgive myself that I have not always accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I create my own energetic experience at all times through what I accept and allow and through my connection to and as myself as one as equal as life as stability within what is best for all.


I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to speak up more in this situation, that I allowed myself to be paralyzed by uncertainty or by feeling like it was "not my place" to speak up and to try to bridge the misunderstandings that I saw playing out in front of me in the moment. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as my ability within limitations of social status such that I did not want to "step on any toes." I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not speak up more or become more involved because I secretly feared that I would also create a negative energetic reaction at least in my bodily experience where I often become visibly shaky in conflict / perceived conflict. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so separate from myself as one as equal as life and to create such a relationship with "conflict" as a human interaction that occurs because of what we accept and allow, that I am not in a place that I am able to stand as a point of support for others who are in a point of conflict.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactionary states when another person is behaving in a way that I have identified as "making" me feel a certain way, such as uncomfortable, afraid, unsafe, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut others out when they behave in ways that show that they really need someone to let them in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for entering into reactionary states when they feel threatened or for whatever reason, and then have also blamed them for my reaction to their reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this world as if it is normal and acceptable to interact via chains of reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as various mindsets that have dictated my perception of reality and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually live in reality, interaction with actual reality, but instead to live within my mind as my perception of reality, where here I am just living in a chain of reactions to my assumptions/judgments/projections, all created within my mind, all disregarding the actual real physical in each moment, all out of sync with the physical time and space of reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be present in the moment for myself and for the other people around me, as what is clearly best for all here in understanding and being understood, in relating as one and equal to all, in communicating openly and honestly, and in supporting all as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that positive feelings and thoughts and affirmations are the answer or solution to problems of the world or even the problems of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can generate enough positive energy then everything will be okay and problems will be solved. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore real actual physical reality and the problems therein in favor of residing within my mind within love and light within imagined positivity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "as long as I am okay" or "as long as I have what I need," this is all that matters. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see or face or look at others as the ways that others are suffering all around me and my responsibility in this.



I commit myself to remaining present in interactions which "make" me feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or afraid.

I commit myself to compassion for other individuals as myself, as one and equal as life.

I commit myself to open and honest communication for mutual understanding.

I commit myself to supporting others where they are.

I commit myself to living within the present as the here and now, directing myself within the physical time and space of each moment as reality.

I commit myself to accepting others as myself, as one and equal as life.

I commit myself to seeing others as myself, as one and equal as life.

I commit myself to not looking away, not turning my back, not retreating to my mindscape.

I commit myself to seeing myself and stopping myself in the moment of seeing my reactions.

I commit myself to finding real solutions, to dedication to the belief that a real solution is available, that I am the solution, we are all the solution if we allow ourselves to be the solution, to stop being the problem.

I commit myself to these things not only for myself but for all, as one as equal as life, as what is best for all, as the solution.