The Eye/I of the Storm - Day 64

Last night I went to bed feeling rather distressed/distraught. I had this experience while laying in bed that was similar to other experiences I'd had about two months ago when I had urges or desires again to harm myself. This particular instance wasn't very strong, but it was coincidental with my experience of distress. I had many different thoughts running through my head of anger, hopelessness, resentment, etc., all going quite fast, and within it all I just didn't care enough to face it/myself or look at it/myself. After a few moments I also thought, "Wait, where am I?" and then I answered, "Here I am, I am here." And at this point with this thought I began to calm, and I felt this kind of radiating sensation of filling myself in my own skin from the inside out, which I guess was a kind of re-identification with myself as my body in the physical, where I am: here.

So in this realization I calmed. Here I am, I am here. I am always here. I am safe here. I am with myself, safe, here.

At the end of yesterday's post I initially came to this realization:

"But at all times that I am seeing myself, I am seeing myself only as myself, equal to and one with what I have accepted and allowed in myself. So here it is not that I am suddenly forced to look upon myself as 'depression' but only again and always to see MYSELF as LIFE, and thus here I can see and be with and support myself at all times regardless of what my experience of myself is, because I am always myself and I am always here with myself and so I can and should always be able to trust myself to not abandon myself when my experience of myself seems too overwhelming. 

I commit myself to not abandon myself within giving myself over to my experience of myself."

So I laid in bed and basically entered a fit within my mind of a storm of thoughts and beliefs and reactions and emotions and urges and desires and senses of lack and all of these other internal energetic experiences, and then I found myself there, still there, always there, not left in the dark, not left behind, not left alone, not cast aside and separate to watch helplessly as this storm brews and rages, but in the eye (I) of the storm: stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worth caring for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as who I am when I am facing difficult energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from these "storms" where I simply "wait for the storm to pass" rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that I can stand in the eye of the storm in calm and stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am and will be inevitably swept up and away by storms, where within this I am in the storm but am not the storm itself and thus I abandon myself and my responsibility for myself and my ability to support myself, giving myself over to the perceived power of the storm.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by casting myself aside and casting aside my responsibility within these storms, I am allowing the storms to rage at their own course.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be the calm and stable I of the storm.


When and as I see myself encountering strong negative energetic storms within me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that these storms have formed through and as the energetic currents of what I have accepted and allowed. I realize that these storms are me as what I have accepted and allowed within myself. I realize that I am still here in these storms, that I do not get cast aside or swept away -- I am no more a victim to these storms than I am a victim to myself. I realize that I can be here for myself, I can support myself, I am always here with myself. I commit myself to really stopping and breathing so that I can come back to myself and realize myself within the calm stability of and as the I of the storm, the creator and destroyer of the storm and the creator and destroyer of myself.