Week 11 Reflections - Day 75

Sunday, June 23, 2013
Walking through Depression - Day 68
The main thing that I came to realize is what a mind possession depression is. While I've been in an experience of "depression" I've literally been so possessed that I'd not even seen this until now, and even then it was only in these brief moments that my awareness flitted outside myself, outside my internal experience of myself, like flooding myself with depression and just overflowing with feeding the depression, a tunnel vision on depression and all that it entails... but in brief moments on this day I would sort of drift out of it and notice/become aware of what was physically around me or what else is actually happening in reality outside of the confines of my mind, and in those moments it sort of clicked and began to make sense that obviously the experience of depression is just a complete absorption of myself within and as my mind as all of these negative thoughts and beliefs.

So by becoming absorbed within my mind in a depressed state I have blinded myself to the fact that I create these thoughts/beliefs and I can direct my mind through what I accept and allow. I have basically accepted/allowed that I am powerless here. And this I think is where the abandonment of myself comes in, because here I basically believe I am helpless and so it is just a matter of giving in and giving up, which means abusing myself through my mind as well as through the lethargy/inaction of my physical body.

The most important realization then that comes with understanding that depression is mind possession is to realize that if I can walk out of my mind, if I can stop these thoughts/beliefs, if I can bring myself back to the physical as my breath -- if I can really actually do this -- then I will no longer be accepting/allowing and thus experiencing depression. Without the thoughts/beliefs/mind energy, there is no depression. At the very least, there is no feeding of the depressive episode to continue.

The other big point that came out of this post was the fact that I have not really ever developed any kind of solid self support for myself when I am experiencing depression. I have managed to end certain old coping mechanisms, such as self injury or medication/substance abuse, but I haven't managed to replace them with actual solutions. That's okay. I'm not mad at myself for that. This is a process -- I am proud of how far I've already come... I stated in this post somewhat defeated that I have "suffered depression" for over 13 years... This is a long time, but it does not mean that it has to continue, and it is all the more reason to treat this process with patience, grace, and steadfastness. And now I have the task of setting out to do what is next in this process. So here I start with commitments to write and to see myself in experiences of depression, so that I can accurately assess the experience as my own creation and can come to understand myself as to why I do this. It will be difficult! I know this. I am okay with this because I know that process is work.

I committed myself to:

• Continue to investigate this pattern within me and continue to realize that this will take time and space to be sorted, so to be supportive of myself in these experiences to assist myself in seeing myself and also in taking care of myself, in learning to show myself unconditional love, and in continuing to fulfill my obligations. 
• Really actually stop and breathe and to stop allowing myself to participate in these thoughts/beliefs/etc. 
• Not allow myself to throw myself a pity party where I feel bad about myself and trash on myself and basically abuse myself through my own mind. 
• Re-reading what I have already learned about myself as "depression." 
• Investigating what depression really is, how it manifests, how it is caused as what I accept and allow. 
• Investigating and identifying how to assist and support myself in an experience of "depression." 
• Walk through depression, out of my mind, step by step, breath by breath. 

Monday, June 24, 2013
Week 10 Reflections - Running a Lap around Depression - Day 69

Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Giving Self Space for Perspective - Day 70

In this post I specified somewhat a form of self support in the midst of reactions/energetic experiences that seemed to not be so easy to write about in the moment. This has a lot to do with framing, though, where I have expected myself to be able to fit the entire picture into the frame, to fit all of the experience into one tidy post. But if I could do that then I would actually be writing the entirety of myself in one single post in one single sitting in one single picture, because everything is interconnected to create who I am.

So what I realized as soon as I first published was that I was actually ignoring my own advice I had recently given to another, which was to realize that all of these points are aspects of who I am as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, so I don't really need to worry too much about losing track of one point, especially if it is a large, encompassing point, because the points are all interconnected and interrelated to make up the network of lies that is me as what I have accepted and allowed. And seeing one lie is sometimes easier when you discover others, no? Ooh, now I'm like a detective. So anyway, I realized that I will face these points every single day in some form and that therefore the points will be walked and worked through as I walk and work through any point.

The other interesting thing was that this was a prime example of meeting resistance in writing, as described at the beginning of the post as manifesting physically in a shortness of breath and a feeling of discomfort in my stomach, and then, whoosh! After publishing it's like a big huge exhale of all that pressure I had for whatever reason built up. So obviously my relationship to writing is still a little messy, which makes a lot of sense since I am still requiring myself to write every day as a kind of externalized expectation as well as fear that I will lose momentum/fall out of the "habit" if I don't.

I committed myself to:

• When and as I see myself participating within and as an experience of pressure to address a certain topic or a certain pre-determined "quality" of topic (which is the main reason that I will sometimes end up writing multiple posts without publishing), I stop and I breathe. 
• I ask: 
• Who am I within this? 
• Why am I requiring this of myself? 
• What is my starting point? 
• What is the point that is in front of me? Walk this -- it is the next step. 
• Release myself from the pressure that I place on myself in suffocating myself in my process where I create limitations and expectations on what and how I should write and walk points. 
• Writing myself as my experience in that moment or in that day. 
• Walking my process one step at a time, one step after the other, breath by breath, always breathing, and noticing when I feel I cannot breathe, and investigating that. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Trusting My Abilities - Day 71

In this post I took two examples just from that one day of instances where I had believed myself to be incapable and wanted to find someone else outside myself to accomplish a task for me. In both instances I persevered and ended up accomplishing the tasks for myself, as myself, by myself. It was cool! These were not huge feats by any means but it is interesting how often I will automatically go from a point of "I don't know how" to "I need someone else to do it for me," which can also quickly lead to an experience of powerlessness/helplessness, which, if unchecked, can also lead to an experience of depression as accumulated with other ongoing beliefs/thoughts that I accept and allow.

So here I did these tasks for myself -- self support.
I did them as myself -- self trust.
I did them by myself -- self reliance.
All of these things are like the groundwork foundation for stability.

I committed myself to:

• Assessing tasks to see what the actual steps are that must be taken in order to accomplish the task and then to set forth in taking those steps one by one with whatever preliminary preparation seems appropriate. 
• At least trying, and not giving up on trying again. 
• Releasing myself from these negative beliefs about my abilities in order to free myself to try in self-honesty within and as the physical as what I am actually capable of doing and setting myself to do. 

Thursday, June 27, 2013
Conscious Eating - Day 72

In this post I opened up about conscious eating and my tendency to mindlessly over eat or even binge. I also noticed how mindless I am when eating in general, and how, for example, even with something as simple as chewing -- the first step in digestion -- I have not been aware of myself as how I have set myself up to chew and then swallow through repetition to what is now a pattern/habit. Even in trying to count my chews, I saw that my tongue/jaw move in such a way "naturally" that I begin to swallow food even if I am trying to get to a certain number of counts.

What was interesting too was that I can easily identify that "I enjoy eating," and yet I often do not actually take the time to enjoy it, instead rushing through it without awareness, which fosters increased desire for more food.

I committed myself to:

• Slow down, take smaller bites, chew my food at least 20 times before swallowing, be aware of the movements of my tongue and jaw, and to be aware of my enjoyment of the food in this process. 
• Taking a breath after I swallow, and maybe also a sip of water. 
• Not allowing myself to take another bit while a previous bite is still in my mouth. 
• Focusing on these commitments to see how this influences my compulsive over eating and how an increased awareness of and active steady participation in the physical act of eating can assist and support me in binge behavior. 

Friday, June 28, 2013
Conflict Character - Day 73

In this post I wrote out about my energetic reactions to conflict and what it means to take responsibility for myself in conflict. It was interesting to be able to see myself in this particular conflict as the way it played out made it particularly easy to take some time to stop and breathe as it was happening. It was also interesting to see how the original cause of the conflict, which was my actions, came into play with my justification for my reaction in the conflict itself, and how even though I knew when I acted that what I was doing was reckless, careless, and inconsiderate, I still did not initially want to admit and own this when confronted by my friend.

I also noticed how even after I did apologize and take ownership, I immediately wanted to ditch it again, to relinquish ownership, to ignore it and pretend like it hadn't happened. Make the conflict/confrontation end as quickly as possible so that I can "get over it" and go back to "normal," ie pretending like it never happened and basically not learning anything from the experience. Denial. I realized my justification in my mind here was that I wanted to "nurse my ego back to health," which of course raised a bunch of red flags, because part of my goal here in walking this process is to basically kill my ego. So why would I want to sustain it? This realization assisted me in continuing to face the conflict/confrontation and continuing to take ownership for my actions and responsibility in terms of making it "right" again. Let my ego really have it.

I also noticed that at times I wanted to respond in snarky ways or ways that were otherwise not supportive of finding a resolution in the conflict/confrontation such that I would become offensive and the other person would likely get even more mad. And I would type out these responses and consider sending them, thinking "I can't keep friends anyway," or "this always happens," or "I'm not good at friendships," so that here I was basically resigning myself to the end of this entire friendship over this one silly thing as yet another form of rationale for behaving recklessly/carelessly/inconsiderately as a belief that it's all I'm good at. Yowza. Self sabotage much? "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

So at this point I realized that my relationship with "conflict" is rather fucked up and I haven't ever really learned either by example or experience how to address/face conflict in an appropriate best-for-all manner. This simply did NOT happen pretty much EVER in my family and it isn't something I've very well managed to teach myself over the years, although it wasn't until seeing myself in this situation and also through my participation with desteni that it was really so clear to me that this is something I can change. I do not have to literally SHAKE in conflict. Someday, after many arduous self reflective steps, I will face conflict in a calm stability, finding solutions that are best for all.

I committed myself to: 

• Stopping and having a look at myself and my starting point and what the potential consequences/outflows of my behavior are, especially when I recognize that what I am doing might be reckless/careless/inconsiderate / not best for all. 
• Are there functional alternative behaviors?
• What am I trying to accomplish, and what might I inadvertently accomplish instead? 
• Facing conflict/confrontation head-on and seeing myself within self honesty and self responsibility as best I can, and then reflecting on how I did and what I can see within myself that is resisting change to and as equality and oneness and what is best for all. 

Saturday, June 29, 2013
"Love and Light" at its Finest: A Day at the Yoga Studio - Day 74

This post was a really interesting thing to observe as watching others and also seeing myself in the situation. It really kind of cut to the core of the whole point of all of this, which is actual support of all as one as equal as life. The experience and realizations have really inspired me and I think will serve as a foundational support for myself in taking self honest responsibility for myself as one with and equal to all others as life, where here what is paramount is to love unconditionally. This is what I strive for, and in the face of this, all that bullshit of depression and ego in conflict and self doubt and everything else... it all just fades away to an obvious answer of oneness and equality as what is best for all being the most important, and thus the starting point for walking all of these other points. It's all tying together nicely for me right now through this experience and the reflections in this post. If it means we are all supported as one as equal as life as what is best for all, then I can be nothing. Nothing else matters.

I committed myself to:

• Remaining present in interactions which "make" me feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or afraid. 
• Compassion for other individuals as myself, as one and equal as life. 
• Open and honest communication for mutual understanding. 
• Supporting others where they are. 
• Living within the present as the here and now, directing myself within the physical time and space of each moment as reality. 
• Accepting others as myself, as one and equal as life. 
• Seeing others as myself, as one and equal as life. 
• Not looking away, not turning my back, not retreating to my mindscape. 
• Seeing myself and stopping myself in the moment of seeing my reactions. 
• Finding real solutions, to the dedication to the belief that a real solution is available (and viable), that I am the solution, we are all each the solution if we allow ourselves to be the solution, to stop being the problem.