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| Maillardet's Automaton |
The weeks are going by so fast now that I have "real" weekends. This last week especially has felt a bit like a blur at least in terms of my writing here. A lot of what I published I didn't really draft that day -- I got into a groove of writing a day ahead of time and then publishing what I'd written the night before. As a result each day in my writing I wasn't really finalizing what was happening in myself, and in my publishing I wasn't really conveying what was actually happening within myself... So while it's been supportive writing, it hasn't been the most effective and direct way to see myself and write myself.
What's funny is that even now I wrote the majority of this post on "Day 52," yesterday, but am now editing and finishing today for publishing. I had already published yesterday and often after publishing I feel something like "relief" or a kind of freedom to express myself (out from under the pressure of publishing within the self-inflicted expectation of myself to publish every day and thus to write through minor resistances such as tiredness and heat and into a polar outflow of feeling "free" and "activated" to express) and so last night after publishing I found myself writing up another storm when what I published yesterday was mostly written the night before within the same point in the same cycle... all under the premise that I would not want to come home from work and have to start a blog post from the beginning. But instead I am finishing one and starting another? Well that's still two halves! Why not just write the whole each day, start to finish? Silly.
I feel as if I have so many things that I want to write about (and as I've said before, I have more drafts than I do published posts!), and then sometimes things come up that day to write about, and I'm just starting to feel a little backlogged, overwhelmed, and disorganized. Dan showed me this free mind mapping software so I think I'll try it out to help organize myself. Thanks Dan!
I also know that there are a great many points that are multidimensional that deserve multiple posts to really examine... But I've been hesitant to begin a "series" in the sense of writing on the same topic for multiple days in a row simply because it seems too confining and also I fear that I will then encounter days of resistance where I will sense that "I cannot see myself" within that topic and therefore will not be able to write on that topic. Obviously this doesn't mean however that I can't open up these points and direct myself to come back to them in due time. So it seems prudent here to list some, indeed a very select few, of the points I wish to address in greater detail, directing myself to really dig rather than just see what comes up as it comes up:
- Relationships
- I want to do sub-bullets here to prepare myself for some of the subtopics I have already identified, but even this seems "overwhelming" haha. It is however something that has come up a lot in Dip Lite so I already have some material to work with, plus a drafted blog post prepared about crushes. Oh, crushes!
- Work ethic and beliefs about self in work (now especially as a preparation for new job and intimidation of responsibility and fear of perceived value placed on me in having been selected out of so many applicants)
- Continued discussion on self-support, specifically I have been "meaning" to write about daily living support in my lived environment as well as a handful of other dimensions of self-support
- Defensive reaction to receiving support / encountering perspectives which differ from my own
- Within this, impulsively/compulsively adapting/adopting other perspectives as a way of rejecting/denying/disowning myself in order to please others or seem a certain way or to resist really seeing myself etc. etc. etc
- Reaction to/within/as "tired" and "hot" -- so big these last few days! Only going to get more intense as these summer weeks drag on
- Time management and excuse/justification of un-productivity in the face of what I have pre-defined and established as "not enough time to be productive."
I have created for myself the tag in my posts "come back to this" so that I can see what points I open up in posts that I know need to be walked in more detail, and have even color-coded the text which indicates these points, but nonetheless I've become somewhat automated in my writing each night as I come home from work, experience myself as "tired" and "hot," and prioritize my writing in such a way that it hasn't been important for me to breathe and dig but simply to write something... Supportive still, as I said, but just not as effective, direct, or productive as I'd like. Not as supportive as it could be. It's nice that writing daily has become a "habit" inasmuch as it is not really a struggle, but I really don't want it to be a habit. I don't want it to be automatic. It should take effort, it should take self-direction to walk these points in a meaningful self-supportive way. So this brings me once again back to the point of not necessarily writing every day just because I feel I "have" to. Perhaps it would be interesting and beneficial to practice going a week without making writing my top priority and instead to only write when and as I see it as most self-supportive and productive. Here I "want" to say that first I want to get back "on track" with writing posts start to finish in one day, but at the same time I do not want to limit myself with arbitrary rules/guidelines unless they are in fact most self-supportive, and this is something I can define for myself within and as my breath in each moment in self-honesty. And if I see that I am not able to support myself in this way, I can then see that setting rules/guidelines may be a good practice for trial to support myself.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a pattern of automation within and as my writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to judge my writing within this realization and so here I commit myself to simply see myself and to see how I am or am not supporting myself and to adjust myself accordingly so as to re-align myself with self-support in self-honesty and self-responsibility as what is best for all and thus best for me.
I forgive myself that I have often accepted and allowed myself to come up with rules and guidelines for myself as solutions to problems that I see within myself when often it is actually most self-supportive to simply see myself in self-honesty in every moment, and only to set up rules/guidelines if I see that I am not yet able to support myself in each moment in self-honesty and that I would benefit from the ability to refer back to rules/guidelines to guide myself until I am able to support myself in each moment in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the rules/guidelines which are already in place within, for example, "writing every day (and only once per day)," and how within this I am still already limiting myself in my investigation of myself wherein I push/pressure myself to write every day but feel as if I "cannot," am "not supposed to," or even "am not allowed to" write more than once per day.
I forgive myself that I have so often accepted and allowed myself to try to skip steps and fail and then try to skip steps again so that I spend just as much if not more time trying to take shortcuts as/than I would if I were to simply walk one step at a time. Within this I realize that in cutting corners to "save time" (and here I see it often does not save time) I am also not supporting myself in building actual referential support so that I can know that I can trust myself in each step because I have walked each step and then if I do fall I do not fall all the way back to the bottom but only to the previous step where I will have already supported myself to stand in stability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as energy when I write so that sometimes when I write I am participating within and as resistance and then when I "get through" that experience I participate within and as a relief/"freedom" where I experience myself as "activated" and capable of digging deep and seeing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the utmost importance on writing self-support that I actually publish rather than simply writing to support myself because within this prioritization of importance I have judged myself when and as I write things and do not publish them and have not accepted or allowed myself to be fully supported by the self-supports I have built within those drafted unpublished writings. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the belief that these drafted unpublished posts "don't count" as far as my process is concerned simply because they have not been factored into my "day count."
When and as I see myself "writing up a storm," I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am setting myself up to experience an "overwhelmingness" within my chaotic multi-directional writing. I commit myself to find better ways to organize the points I want to walk and to walk them as equal and one whether publicly or privately. I commit myself to investigate how I can support myself through writing privately with the intention of keeping the writing private as purely supporting myself. I commit myself to investigate my suspicion that it will be too easy to lie to myself if I do not publish -- here I do not trust myself. I commit myself to maintaining stability within this investigation so that I do not get caught up in desires for "fame" and "laud" within choosing what I publish wherein I only choose to publish that which represents the "best" or most insightful writing.
Perhaps this fear of this desire and thus this downfall is at the root of my fear of writing privately for myself. I also want others to be able to see my process and to see how I get from point A to point Z, to see each step, in fact now I see that I am using as a reason that I do in fact want others to see my trials and errors and mistakes as this will show the process itself, quite a shift from having wanted to hide not long ago. Transparency is my goal here, but it must be transparency to and as myself in order to be transparent to others. More to investigate here in my relationship to writing publicly/privately.
When and as I see myself limiting myself within my investigations of myself through writing or any other means, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am here first and foremost to support myself because I can only support others if I first support myself. So within this I see that it is prudent to do whatever is most self-supportive within self-honesty and self-responsibility and within this I see that it is not necessarily most self-supportive to continue to follow pre-established rules and guidelines so strictly that I limit myself. I commit myself to seeing, realizing, understanding, and LIVING the fact that what has come before me serves me as suggestion and reference and not as absolute truth but that only I can realize and live the most self-honest way to support myself.
Here I see that as I move away from desire to hide and resistance to showing trial/error/mistakes/change that I am now seeing a seeming tendency in myself to almost rebel from what has been established within and without so that I can forge my own path (which is not to say that "my own path" is necessarily different from any other path but simply that I wish to see, realize, and understand for, as, and by myself --- yet another blog post I have drafted but not yet published; methinks its time is nigh).
Okay, that's it for now... Tomorrow either week reflections or writing on anxiety/impulsivity/compulsivity around "information" retention... or both!
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a pattern of automation within and as my writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to judge my writing within this realization and so here I commit myself to simply see myself and to see how I am or am not supporting myself and to adjust myself accordingly so as to re-align myself with self-support in self-honesty and self-responsibility as what is best for all and thus best for me.
I forgive myself that I have often accepted and allowed myself to come up with rules and guidelines for myself as solutions to problems that I see within myself when often it is actually most self-supportive to simply see myself in self-honesty in every moment, and only to set up rules/guidelines if I see that I am not yet able to support myself in each moment in self-honesty and that I would benefit from the ability to refer back to rules/guidelines to guide myself until I am able to support myself in each moment in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the rules/guidelines which are already in place within, for example, "writing every day (and only once per day)," and how within this I am still already limiting myself in my investigation of myself wherein I push/pressure myself to write every day but feel as if I "cannot," am "not supposed to," or even "am not allowed to" write more than once per day.
I forgive myself that I have so often accepted and allowed myself to try to skip steps and fail and then try to skip steps again so that I spend just as much if not more time trying to take shortcuts as/than I would if I were to simply walk one step at a time. Within this I realize that in cutting corners to "save time" (and here I see it often does not save time) I am also not supporting myself in building actual referential support so that I can know that I can trust myself in each step because I have walked each step and then if I do fall I do not fall all the way back to the bottom but only to the previous step where I will have already supported myself to stand in stability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as energy when I write so that sometimes when I write I am participating within and as resistance and then when I "get through" that experience I participate within and as a relief/"freedom" where I experience myself as "activated" and capable of digging deep and seeing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the utmost importance on writing self-support that I actually publish rather than simply writing to support myself because within this prioritization of importance I have judged myself when and as I write things and do not publish them and have not accepted or allowed myself to be fully supported by the self-supports I have built within those drafted unpublished writings. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the belief that these drafted unpublished posts "don't count" as far as my process is concerned simply because they have not been factored into my "day count."
When and as I see myself "writing up a storm," I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am setting myself up to experience an "overwhelmingness" within my chaotic multi-directional writing. I commit myself to find better ways to organize the points I want to walk and to walk them as equal and one whether publicly or privately. I commit myself to investigate how I can support myself through writing privately with the intention of keeping the writing private as purely supporting myself. I commit myself to investigate my suspicion that it will be too easy to lie to myself if I do not publish -- here I do not trust myself. I commit myself to maintaining stability within this investigation so that I do not get caught up in desires for "fame" and "laud" within choosing what I publish wherein I only choose to publish that which represents the "best" or most insightful writing.
Perhaps this fear of this desire and thus this downfall is at the root of my fear of writing privately for myself. I also want others to be able to see my process and to see how I get from point A to point Z, to see each step, in fact now I see that I am using as a reason that I do in fact want others to see my trials and errors and mistakes as this will show the process itself, quite a shift from having wanted to hide not long ago. Transparency is my goal here, but it must be transparency to and as myself in order to be transparent to others. More to investigate here in my relationship to writing publicly/privately.
When and as I see myself limiting myself within my investigations of myself through writing or any other means, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am here first and foremost to support myself because I can only support others if I first support myself. So within this I see that it is prudent to do whatever is most self-supportive within self-honesty and self-responsibility and within this I see that it is not necessarily most self-supportive to continue to follow pre-established rules and guidelines so strictly that I limit myself. I commit myself to seeing, realizing, understanding, and LIVING the fact that what has come before me serves me as suggestion and reference and not as absolute truth but that only I can realize and live the most self-honest way to support myself.
Here I see that as I move away from desire to hide and resistance to showing trial/error/mistakes/change that I am now seeing a seeming tendency in myself to almost rebel from what has been established within and without so that I can forge my own path (which is not to say that "my own path" is necessarily different from any other path but simply that I wish to see, realize, and understand for, as, and by myself --- yet another blog post I have drafted but not yet published; methinks its time is nigh).
Okay, that's it for now... Tomorrow either week reflections or writing on anxiety/impulsivity/compulsivity around "information" retention... or both!
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