I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the thought/belief/statement that this is "the perfect job."
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to wait and see what the job was like in the moment of experience in the physical.
So now:
I commit myself to maintain a "level head" about my new-new job to where I am not predicting it will be anything other than what it is. I commit myself to prepare myself within and as myself as who I am and within my work ethic and my ability to take responsibility for myself as myself as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as an ambivalence to where even though I have been offered a great job, I do not want to close the door on my other job offer. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to increase the value of Job A after I have received an offer for Job B, whereas before the offer for Job B I had a lot of reservations about Job A.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel bad" for turning down Job A just because they have been so welcoming and so clearly want me to work for them and were a "fun bunch." I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become attached to these irrelevant "facts" about Job A, wherein these "facts" are actually based on my memory of my interpretation of one experience with these people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to close a door. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to walk through one door because it means I have to close another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand still rather than walk, to stagnate rather than move.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to fully see, realize, and understand how I truly make a decision in every moment in every breath: every moment and every breath IS a decision, of who I am, of who I will be, of what I will do, of what I will accept and allow myself to think or feel. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to bridge the gap between the moment-by-moment breath-by-breath decisions that I make and the other decisions which I imagine as monumental and imp[o/a]ssible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a "right" choice here and that one choice is "wrong" and another is "right" and that within this actually both choices mean THE END wherein with one choice it is like a disastrous end and with another choice within my mind it's like the end of struggling and not always enjoying work and all of that. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive decisions as end-points wherein with the "wrong" choice I imagine absolute misery and with the "right" choice I imagine absolute bliss, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that within every moment I make choices and within every choice I continue to live through more moments and that every moment is whatever it is and that life goes on regardless of my choices and I will have more choices still and I choose who I am in every moment regardless of my circumstances.
This is a strange dimension of my mind-relationship with decisions/choices. This strange sense that whatever decision I make is somehow the end of... control. Maybe this is part of why I so fear/resist making decisions:
- Fear of no more decisions and thus no more opportunities to direct myself/control my life.
- So it's like I think that life stops after a decision comes into effect. Like from the point of that decision onward I will just be automatically existing without directing myself? I will be victim to and completely at the mercy of the circumstances of my decision. Decision is death.
- But holy crap no! Decision is LIFE. The ability to direct myself, to make a decision within, for, as, and by myself, is LIVING!! It is indecision which is death. And I have known this for YEARS, I even wrote about this on my myspace blog in high school, hahah!! Yet here it is still a struggle to see, realize, and understand.
- So I place a LOT of weight on each decision like it's an all/nothing absolutely all encompassing self-direction where I am going down that track and no other track and that is my choice and there is no going back or changing my mind...
- Very limiting, constraining, containing, suffocating.
- I build up a ton of energy up to the point of decision where I realized last time I wrote about this that, in making a decision, I have to relinquish all of that energy, to where I am just left with whatever is in the here & now, which as far as my mind is concerned within what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself, is not a good thing. Being, here, now = scary.
Okay, just started memory section of DIP Lite... Are there any memories attached to decision making that could be fueling this anxiety/fear/ambivalence/etc.?
What first comes to mind is the decisions I made in my education where I was allowed to choose my jr high and high schools and how I regretted those decisions as not actually being best for me, and within this I've been mad at myself for who I was within those educational programs wherein I did not direct myself to take my education seriously but went through school very passively, feeling satisfied as long as I had good grades. So I accepted and allowed myself to be passive in my education after making those decisions, and then blamed the decisions themselves for who I was, as if I had no control over my education beyond the point of the decision of which school to attend.
I have also experienced/participated in a lot of regret regarding my decision to move from Denver back to Sacramento. But I was "indecisive" even before then... although that transition probably has increased my experience of myself as "indecisive."
I think another big part of the fear I have in decision making is that I am solely responsible for my decisions. I both create and face the consequences within my decisions. So through desteni and my JTL process I am learning about being responsible in all decisions in every moment, how every moment is a decision point of deciding who I will be in that moment and how I will direct myself. I am learning to direct myself on the moment-to-moment level. So here I can also expand to directing myself in larger-scale decisions that affect me beyond just that moment (although it could be argued every decision affects me/others beyond just that moment).
So then here again is the fear of making a mistake, of facing consequences, and of having to answer for those consequences. Answer to whom? Myself, I guess. Well I am learning to be able to do that every day here in my writing, where I have a look at myself and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, and I answer to myself.
So I am already developing the tools every day to face regret and face fear and face myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, as what I have accepted and allowed within my life. And I have already opened up points on making mistakes and one what a mistake is and how to support myself within mistakes.
So...
I can trust myself.
I can trust myself.
This is huge. 52 days ago I declared loudly and in distress that I could not trust myself, I had no idea where to start with trusting myself. I began a series on building self-support and I sought out assistance on the forum and I supported myself through my writing and my DIP Lite lessons... and now I know I can trust myself in each moment within and as my breath in self-honesty and self-responsibility and self-support!
Learn to trust yourself and learn how to live here:
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