I noticed first during the tour of the "campus" (which was not a campus, haha, just a floor in an office building), when we were in the library, and the admissions counselor pointed out all of the dissertations of previous graduates and all of the research of faculty: I felt intimidated. I thought: "that's right, now I remember why I haven't looked seriously at graduate school recently" and within this I saw that I believed I could not participate in meaningful research and that I could not productively and effectively communicate my findings within research, and within this I saw that I believed that I was not smart, did not have good ideas, was not good enough / other people are better so I might as well just not try, etc. I didn't see all of this right away, of course. Mostly at this point I was just seeing the thoughts within myself, not so much the beliefs behind them.
Then a little later we were listening to the director of the PsyD clinical psychology program and he was listing the components of the program, one of which is of course research. I was taking notes and when I wrote out "research" I noticed that I felt a little excited at the possibilities, the potential to explore and investigate ideas, the potential to discover something new or contribute something meaningful. So here in this instance I was approaching the word "research" in a much more positive way, to where it really kind of "turned me on" and made me feel open and unlimited within possibilities.
So at this point it was very easy to notice the stark difference in these two reactions, where within one I felt intimidated and within another I felt inspired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not capable of pursuing a doctoral degree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not capable of contributing something meaningful to a field of research and practice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by, within, and as my energetic experiences of intimidation and fear, wherein I limit myself and my potential and shy away from opportunities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret the extent of my potential from the basis of what I have already achieved, within which I have already limited myself, and therefore I participate in a cyclical understanding of myself wherein I often limit myself by believing I cannot do something if I have never done it, or something similar, before.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated and "confused" at times during my undergraduate studies to the point that I would do just enough to get good grades but in fact did not learn as much as my grades reflected and did not take advantage of the many opportunities I was afforded by attending a large research university.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my grades rather than myself as the measurement of what I have learned. Even when I did not get good grades, I blamed this on a difficulty with test-taking rather than a flag-point for my learning or my study skills.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim that I am "confused" by something as an excuse or justification for feeling intimidated to where rather than trying to see what it is by which I am confused, I give up and/or feign my understanding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my education, not address and face times when I have felt confused as opportunities and flag-points to push myself to understand and to learn and have instead just assumed that I am not smart or that I cannot understand.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build a shoddy foundation within my education to where when and as I saw myself feeling confused, I feigned understanding to the point that I was able to get good grades but not able to provide myself with a foundation for further learning of more advanced concepts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my educational choices back to as early as 7th grade when I chose to go to a particular school and "my mom let me" and therefore it is her fault.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am incapable of doing something to which I aspire.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "others are better than I am" and therefore I should not try. That's a big one to come back to in many forms: jealousy, inferiority, intimidation, etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for an easy path or course for myself to get by and to make enough money, like getting good enough grades, without actually contributing to my growth so that within this lack of trying I do not have to face failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in fact fail by not trying.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss so many opportunities within my educational, career-related, and personal growth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times become "hung up" on these missed opportunities to where I regret them and believe that there is no decision or way to direct myself now to "make up for" these missed opportunities. Within this I miss even more opportunities, the opportunities that are in every moment with every breath. I forgive myself for missing those, and I commit myself to, when and as I see myself regretting missed opportunities: stop, breathe, and see how each breath is a new opportunity, and to take at the very least the opportunity to release myself from regret, then go from there.
When and as I see myself participating within and as an energetic experience of "intimidation" or "confusion" when facing a challenge, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within these experiences I am telling myself non supportive thoughts and reinforcing negative beliefs about myself and my capacities. I realize that I am running the risk of using these experiences as excuses to limit myself if I do not stop, breathe, and commit myself to pushing myself through intimidation to where I test my own capacity and see for myself as myself of what I am capable, and pushing myself toward the topics of my confusion to where I can see and understand them by myself or with assistance. I commit myself to stop limiting myself by, through, within, and as my beliefs about myself.
"Argue for your limitations, and, sure enough, they're yours."
- Richard Bach
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